So I actually went and stored a hash in a variable, and decided to check for it in an if conditional for it to evaluate as true. Needless to say, I feel kind of stupid now. But I just learned something new in the process, so thank you.
My washing machine is a supernatural being. I lost a piece of clothing in there a month ago; searched up and down, inside other clothes, nothing. It just vanished.
Today, put in a new load. When I pull it out, the missing clothing is back! And a sock was sacrificed in the process