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- Mar 20, 2013
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(Disclaimer: this post has mature content that may or may not be suitable for all viewers!)
I know exactly what you're thinking right now. You're thinking, "Wow, the warrior in that picture is fearsome, majestic, elegant, manly, ferocious, manly, daring, manly, brave, and manly! I wish I could be just like him!" Well, now I'm blushing. That's me, you see. I'm the dragonslayer in the picture. Now, I know you're having a hard time focusing on this prologue because you're having some very... well, you're having really intense thoughts about me. But, please, I beg of you, ignore those thoughts until later when we're alone. For now, pay attention!
O, my fellow humans, dragons could be anywhere. They could be observing our cities from the majestic clouds above. They could be hovering over your magical, wheeled transportation devices. They could stretch their necks through miles and miles of sewage and plumbing, just so they can poke their head through your toilet and lick your buttcheeks while you're dropping off timber. I say to you, O brother, take heed! For the dragon threat is greater than e'er before! I will impart to you the knowledge which I have obtained over a lifetime of dragonslaying. Maybe one day, you'll be able to slay a scaly beast of your own, lad.
Chapter One - Kill a Vicious Animal and Wear its Head as a Loincloth
Would you be frightened if a crazed madman with a sword approached you with the intent to fatally harm you? Probably not. One, he's crazy. Two, you probably have a conceal and carry license. Three, you have such a fine head of flowing hair, no ill could possibly befall you. It would be against the laws of nature.
Likewise, a dragon will smugly grin at you if you dare to approach it with ill intent. He'll probably lick his scaly hands or engage in some other taunting act in order to cut your morale at the knees. Then, he'll have a tickle in his nostril, which will result in one of those bellowing dragon sneezes, and flames will erupt from his nose. You'll be engulfed in a ravaging fire that will peel back the skin of your stomach and respectively allow your intestines to fall out.
To avoid your dragon confrontation resulting in disembowelment by nostril fire, you must first track down and locate a ferocious beast that isn't quite as deadly as a dragon. You must stake out this animal in its natural habitat to observe how it behaves and acts. Once you ascertain this creature's weaknesses and strengths, approach it with an ill temper and a sharp object. Slay the beast. Then, use the sharp object to forcibly remove the creature's head from its body. Attach the creature's head to a string and tie it around your waist, letting the head hang over your groin to function as a codpiece. This will show the dragon that you have superiority in the battlefield. It will also lead the dragon to believe that you have enormous assets, which will make the dragon feel intimidated. The dragon may even attempt to compensate for itself in battle, which will leave you with a crystal clear view of the dragon's weakest areas.
Chapter Two - Find a Noble Steed
The next step is to find a noble, legendary steed that will follow you straight into the foray of battle. At least, you want the dragon to think that you've found a steed of legendary tale and stature. All you really need to do is go to Craigslist and look for a pale-white horse. I got mine for $30 from a hippie missing his two front teeth.
Chapter Three - Find a Legendary Dragonslaying Sword
Again, Craigslist is the way to go with this step. I found a Lord of the Rings nerd who was selling his entire duplicate collection for $15. He kept calling me 'Boromir', saying something about me coming back to life with... Hasselhoff the White, or something? I can't remember. It was weird, though.
Chapter Four - Scour the Locals for Information About Nearby Dragon Lairs
For most of us, conversing with the local coffee-guzzlers and beer-mongers will be as easy as sunburning a friar's scalp. For those who are slow of tongue, however, this may prove to be a challenge. The key to making people believe you're actually a dragonslayer is to sound like a dragonslayer. As such, I've included a phonetically accurate script for you to read as you inquire about dragon-related information.
Begin: "Aye, thar [coffee-guzzler or beer-monger or well-endowed wench]! How fares thee tee-day?"
"Um, dude, why are you wearing a bunny's head on your crotch?" - If this is the first response that you receive, then you did the unthinkable when following the instructions in Chapter Two. I said ferocious beast, you dimwit! Not a tottering, sheep-biting bunnyrabbit!
"I'm doing great, thanks. How about you?"
- to which you will reply:
"I'm doin' jus' great, thanks. I'm aksh-oo-illy out huntin' for rar' dragons! Would ye' happen to know whar' I can find a fhar'-breathin' beast o' Hell?"
"Um, I think you need to go to the nuthouse. Now leave me alone, creep."
-to which you will reply:
"You been ever so helpful, yung' (lad or lass)! I'll be seein' you 'bout!"
And there you have it. The 'Nut House' is the name of the lair of the ferocious dragon. Gather up your gear and prepare for a journey - you're about to slay a dragon!
Chapter Five - Actually Slaying a Dragon
Now, this is where things really get tricky. You'll need a large mirror, a wizard, your steed, your blade, your animal head, and most importantly, your wits. When you enter the dragon's lair, you'll be abruptly assaulted by the wretched smell of the dragon's fecal matter. You may have to stand in the entrance for a good while before your smeller has adjusted to the odor. After that, you may slowly enter into the main chamber of the dragon's lair. Your eyes will lay upon a large pile of gold and loot - but do not be deceived! The dragon lies underneath of the gold, waiting for a hapless wanderer to succumb to the temptation of untold riches.
You must saunter - not walk, saunter - to the backside of the gold pile. For some reason, dragons always have their heads poking out of the back of the pile. Once you're there, move the mirror into the appropriate position, and have your wizard cast a spell of Blinding Light. The light will hit the mirror, reflect into the dragons eyes, and stun the scaly beast temporarily. Then, you must throw yourself into the pile of gold, engaging in dangerous combat with the dragon.
His eyes will lay upon your beast of burden, and he will feel a pang of intimidation because you have a legendary creature from the tales of old. Then, your majestic sword will strike against his scales. He will begin to have flashbacks to the days of Camelot, King Arthur, and Excalibur, when dragonkind was (supposedly) murdered and enslaved by mankind. He will then lay eyes upon your codpiece. Seeing a creature's head resting on your gonads, the tired, surprised, dizzy, blinded, intimidated, sad, and lonely dragon will rise up in anguish. This is your chance. This is what you've been training for.
Maintain a solid grip upon your weapon; lunge forth, between his legs! Strike the dragon where he is most vulnerable! Rip him from... wait... my editor is trying to say something. Hold on.
My editor has informed me that 70% of dragons are female. This means that my main method of dragonslaying will be ineffective against 70% of dragons. I've also been informed that I've been fired due to my late arrivals to work, odd temperaments and behavior within the workplace, and constant flirting with the female clientele. In addition, I guess the director was genuinely upset that I ripped the head off of his mounted Bengal tiger.
But that won't stop me! Where was I... oh, yes! Lunge forth and strike the dragon where he is most vulnerable! All it will take is is a solitary swing at his manhood, and the dragon will be slain. The loot will be yours for the taking. You can have all of the shapely women in the world. You will be revered as a legendary dragonslayer, protector of humankind!
And this concludes A Guide to Slaying Dragons. I hope that you will find these tips to be helpful and encouraging on your quest to slaying a mighty dragon. Thank you for your time - now go kill a dragon!