Aceri Rants (About Himself)

[Aceri]

Anybody other than me ever randomly stop and look at your life or your past and ask yourself, "What the f*k is wrong with me? What the hell am I doing?"? I do.

My life is nothing of what I hoped it would be. When I was younger I would dream about by this time I would either already have a wife and a child, or at the very least a serious relationship that could potentially lead to marriage and my own place with a steady job that I didn't hate. That was my dream. I know most children are supposed to dream about being astronauts and firemen and what not, but I lost my father when I was five, and so ever since my dream has kind of been to be one myself, I don't know why but it just feels like the connection I need. It's weird.

But, I look at my life now and I get this gut-wrenching, overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment. I am 26 years old, I'll be turning 27 in September. I don't have even any potential love interests. I do nothing but sit and play video games or play around with the RPG Maker programs or camp out at these forums. I live on government disability because I am so damned paranoid of the world outside my house(and sometimes the world within it too) that the GOVERNMENT has deemed me not fit for work. And to top it all off I still live at home with my mother and grandfather. (Yes, I am THAT guy.).

When I first completed my mini-movie when first I got Ace and learned how to work it, I was all gleeful and was exited to show my family. Now I look back on it, not only at how terrible my skills were back then, but because I am 26 years old acting like a damned child or teenager, and just feel overwhelmingly embarrassed and ashamed. I only have one friend who doesn't even live in the same state as me. (I used to live in California, but moved to Arizona midway through High School, that's where my ONE friend lives.). He is a good person no doubt, but it just feels embarrassing that, the 15th of this month, I am going on a trip to California(to test the limits of how much I can endure being outside home) and staying at his place. No, he's not letting me crash on the sofa in his apartment. I'll be sleeping on his floor, in his bedroom at his mom and dads house where he lives. I AM 26 YEARS OLD AND I'M HAVING LIKE A GROWN ASS MAN SLEEP OVER! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH! But in all fairness to him, he has had issues with his health since birth, so his government disability and inability to work are justified, unlike me who's just broken in the head.

Every time I slip up even just a little, just enough to catch a glimpse of my life, I feel ashamed. I am literally ashamed of being alive. How f*ked is that? And my greatest fear is I'm going to be that 30 year old dude who will never move out unless he meets a girl that grabs his cajones and forces him to move in with her.

I still get acne for some damned reason. My face over-produces oil so my nose is shiny like friggin' Rudolf. I used to have gold hair, now it's all grey and my beard is slowly following suit, the black being overwhelmed by white. I mean hell I dyed my hair because I thought it was embarrassing. Why the hell did I do that? I don't go anywhere to be embarrassed about it! Oh and not to mention that because I am primarily a PC gamer, those few people I do interact with always makes comments about how I am towering over them because I have that damned gamer haunch. A gaming posture on a 6'6 grey haired man with a shiny face and acne. No matter how well I maintain my hygiene the red, oilyness and acne doesn't go away. Maybe it's caused by stress. But stress from what? The fact that I'm a pathetic loser with an overwhelming fear of germs and people? 

I never thought I'd live to see the day when I would be ashamed of my own life. I mean hell the laptop I'm typing this on was a CHRISTMAS PRESENT FROM MY MOTHER AND GRANDFATHER! I mean they're wonderful people for trying to get me things I want, but at the same time I am a 26 year old "man", I don't need **** for Christmas or my birthday anymore. That just goes to increase the fact that I feel like a burden on everyone. Thank god I am on disability and am able to buy my own stuff, or my self hate would be much much bigger.

26 years old, the highlight of my year so far going to be when the Reaper of Souls expansion for Diablo III comes out. I should be anticipating promotions at work, or babies, or at the very least someone to sleep with.

And to top it all off, I absolutely can't stand alcohol so I can't even drink my sorrows away. Sigh.


This has been, "Aceri Rants: Aceri!". Thanks for tuning in. Until next time.

 

[kerbonklin]

Anybody other than me ever randomly stop and look at your life or your past and ask yourself, "What the f*k is wrong with me? What the hell am I doing?"? I do.

Plenty of times. I wish I could go back in time to my grade-school days and fix up my image, it was a mess. (Not like it mattered when I graduated into high school, I changed thank God)

 

[Aceri]

All throughout Jr. High people used to find it fun to run up and kick me in the testies. I think through the entire school year I was kicked there over 100 times. Thank god no permanent damage came from it.

In High School I was that guy everybody wanted to fight because I was tall and fat. People "wanted to see if it was possible to take me in a fight."

 

[Engr. Adiktuzmiko]

And to top it all off, I absolutely can't stand alcohol so I can't even drink my sorrows away. Sigh.

So sad... Me, I like to drink sometimes, but it has health complications for me...

 

[Aceri]

Have a bad liver?

 

[Engr. Adiktuzmiko]

more of lacks the right amount of hormones or something to degrade acetaldehyde... being asian it becomes a problem since our bodies degrade ethanol to acetaldehyde faster than other people... so basically, my body becomes saturated with acetaldehyde whenever I drink alcohol, which makes the blood vessels dilate...

 

[Aceri]

So you basically get super-massive hangovers every time you drink?

Or perhaps I just have a wrong understanding of what dilated blood vessels are. But I always thought that the dilation of blood vessels after drinking is what caused hangovers.

 

[Engr. Adiktuzmiko]

no... My heart seems to work faster (palpitation) and my body becomes so reddish due to the dilated vessels... I sometimes even develop itchiness

 

[Aceri]

Oh, so you're basically allergic to the stuff.

Well in my opinion it's for the best, alcoholism and liver cancer isn't a good way to go.

Edit:

You can make a character in one of your games an alcoholic and live vicariously through him/her .

 

[Zevia]

I wouldn't kid yourself so much that most 26 year olds in the US are "successfully" living on their own or doing what they want with their life. According to this article, 29% of US adults under the age of 35 are living with their parents. That's almost a third of the US young adult population.

If I recall, the government defines poverty as spending more than 30% of your income on housing - rent for most of us, because you are going to be hard-pressed to find a lot of homeowners at the age of 26. Now, I don't know about you, but just about everyone I know who's not in the military or living with their parents is spending way more than 30% of their income on housing. I recently moved back in with my parents, myself, after spending the last 9 years living on my own with about $100-$200 leftover after paying rent and food costs. I, too, feared being "that guy" who's living with his parents in his late 20s, but you know what? Where I lived the last 3 years, all of my non-military friends lived with their parents.

I was the only one "living on my own," but I was also the only one sitting at home doing very little with myself outside of work because I couldn't afford a car, there was no public transportation, and I didn't have money to go out. Or money to save up to better my situation. My friends who were living with their parents at the age of 28, 29, 30 - they would go out and socialize. They'd take the opportunity to save up what they could and were doing everything they could to try and get to a situation where they were happier with their life. The last I heard, one of the guys got out of the Marines and two friends got an apartment with him. Another friend moved across the country to Connecticut to go to community college until he had state residency to then go to school for computer science - guarantee you, he's going to be living poor-ass broke for awhile.

My step-brother, who spent something like 15 years in Germany and Spain, studying law, who came back to the US and passed the bar in a couple states, including the one he lives in right now, is in his early 40s - he's also living at home with his mother, because he just can't get the work. Nobody's hiring lawyers right now, despite the fact that almost every single law firm is absolutely SWAMPED and overworked and understaffed.

I've been dating a woman for almost a year now. She was in the Air Force for 4 years, trained in medical lab work, and just got her certification as a Medical Lab Scientist. She's got her own apartment, no roommates, started a retirement fund, started a savings account for a house, has a fully paid-off car, has a good-sized emergency fund, and the two of us are planning a camping trip in May and a trip to see family in June. Want to know where she was a year and a half ago, at the age of 29? Living with her dad, unemployed, thinking she'd never amount to anything or ever meet anyone who'd love her.

I'm trying to save up about $10,000 or so in the next year to move back out, but I don't think I'm going to be able to live on what I want to do for a career (voice work and audiobooks). I'm certainly making steps into it, but right now, it only pulls in something like $1,000-$1,200 a month - and that's IF I have work. Every time a project ends, I'm basically unemployed again. So odds are good, once I move back out, I'll have to grab some dead-end, 20-hour-a-week retail job or something to help support myself. I'll be almost 30, most likely working stock in the evenings at a grocery store or something, because that's what I have experience in from college and the years after. I used to have my managers ask me for my "school schedule" every semester, despite me constantly reminding them that I had graduated from college several years prior, because their assumption was that my job wasn't meant for people my age and I should be doing something better with my life.

You gotta' understand, this idea of moving out at the age of 18, buying a house at 22, having a full-time job that will give you a fair wage and promotions and move you up the ladder to management by the age of 30, and looking for grandkids by the age of 45? It's horse****, man. It's a dream from a bygone era. You're comparing yourself to stories of what people were doing with their lives decades ago, but you don't have the same situation as them. Not even close. It's not the same country any more, it's not the same economy any more, it's not the same population any more, it's not the same world any more.

Hell, the friends I have that aren't living with their parents right now are working in restaurants or doing temp work with various IT positions. I have a friend who had a job at Amazon for awhile - until that project was over, then they canned him and he had to find something else. I had a friend who was working as a camera operator and technical director for a cable company (not Comcast/Time Warner), filming high school sports and doing the video editing for the TV segments, trying to get work at ESPN or Fox. He was even working on the show Overhaulin' for the Discovery channel at one point. Then? They let everyone go because of budget reasons. They canceled his cable show for budget reasons. He got dropped right back to square 1.

Trust me, you are not alone, not by a longshot. Young people who are doing well for themselves right now, at least in the US, are very rare. And you know what a lot of them are going to be doing with their time, the ones who have money and the means and all that? Hanging out at home to play video games. People might post pictures on Facebook or text you about what a great time you're having, but they're not telling you about all the nights they're hanging out to play the new South Park game or dick around on their Steam collection. You're only catching the snippets of stuff they feel is noteworthy enough to share, so you get this skewed view of how great everyone else's life is compared to yours.

But it ain't. I'd be willing to bet you are in the majority if you are unemployed, underemployed, living with your parents, unhappy, and feeling like you've gone wrong somewhere in your life.

Everyone's got their own means of trying to claw their way out of the pit, and I mentioned a lot of the ones I personally know earlier in this post, as well as my own plan. And everyone's operating on different timetables, nothing will happen overnight. Someone might finally get to a point where they're happy with their life a year from now. Some people might take 5 years. 10 years. Whatever.

I think trying to overcome your agoraphobia, trying to maintain a social contact, going to visit your friend - these are all big steps. It might seem like very little to you, but everything's going to be incremental over the timeline of your life. You know what might help, too? See if your mom or grandfather needs some help around the house with something. Dishwasher need unloading? Just do it. One of them cooking dinner? Do the dishes after. They mention yardwork they're behind on? Hop out and help them with it. Do it unsolicited. You might not enjoy doing it at the time, but it'll make you feel more necessary to the people around you.

Anyway... I don't know, don't beat yourself up too much over your situation. I can't promise everything will be fine, and nothing worthwhile in life is ever easy, but being able to identify what you don't like about your life and, most importantly, what you want in life is huge. Once you know - REALLY know - what you want out of life, what you want to do with yourself, you can start figuring out plans for how to get there.

One day at a time.

 

[Alexander Amnell]

   I don't know if you were looking for advice here or just ranting to rant, if it's the later than just block me and ignore. Also, what Shana is talking about causes you to feel sort of like you are having a heart attack while drinking, I have the same kind of thing, but it's good that you don't like alcohol right now. It's a fine thing when you are happy but if you 'hate life' then drinking isn't going to be helpful for you.

   What is it you are paranoid of; people, contamination or just strait fear of being outside? Regardless, instead of testing the 'limits' of your endurance you might consider attempting to slowly expand them. I used to hate interacting with people and cause them to instantly dislike me upon first impressions and such, which caused me to grow up from primary to high school without a single friend (Aspergers) and I worried for a while that I would end up like you because I couldn't communicate with people (having Aspergers is 'a slam dunk' in a disability case to put it in the words of someone from an agency devoted to 'helping' people like me.) Though I was raised in the old ways of distrusting the government and it depressed me to think about life on government assistance. 

   I almost killed myself out of depression over my inability to connect with people when I was 17, my younger brother caught me sitting in my room with my dad's old colt detective pressed to my temple and stopped me before I went through with it and I ended up in some kind of mental ward for a week or so. When I got out I resolved to change myself, I tried medications (which took a while, I had something for anxiety that helped right away but tried 7 different anti-depressants before finding something that didn't have weird side effects or anything.) and I worked like hell to change. I would go anywhere that there were job openings and apply, even though I was so awkward that no one in their right mind would hire me at the time. I observed everyone's reaction to everything I did and everything that happened around me and tried to pin down the expression to the emotion and then imitate that expression myself in a mirror (because with Aspergers, those things that come naturally to others do not come at all unless forced.) and eventually I learned to 'fake it' enough to get a job at wal-mart and interact just properly enough with customers that when stacked with my work ethic allowed me to keep said job for a couple years before I myself decided to quit to pursue less crappy options for my life. 

   I say all of this to make one point, even though you're problems may be completely different than mine were and you may not relate to what I struggled with the effect for both cases is similar. You say that you are 'ashamed of being alive' I was ashamed of the way I thought my life was going, to the point that I decided I'd be better off not living to see it. Thankfully I was saved from that idiotic decision because afterwards it turned around dramatically. The only constant in life is change, you can either sit and wait in fear of it's coming or else work to mold it to your benefit. Whatever your hangups are, do everything that you can physically do in order to get over them. (depending on how severe they are that might be very little, which is fine as long as you are always working on them.) It could take a long time to get them to a workable level. If it's leaving home in general you fear because of the uncertainty around you then start taking small trips out into the countryside (I think you said you lived in Arizona, Arizona has nice scenery and great spots for trailing/camping where you could explore the world around you with minimal human contact, often good for soul-searching.) Just do something to make yourself feel a little 'less ashamed' every day. Otherwise I really fear you could end up some day where I was years ago; and the reality is that at that point interventions like the one I got are extremely rare.

   Just remember that nothing is constant except for the changing of the world itself, but participating in it is likely the only way that you can manipulate that change for your benefit. If you want to fall in love, start by working on making new friends. (I've no real advice on dating, I've never actually dated and by the time I worked up the nerve to ask the woman I loved on a date there wasn't a point to even doing it anymore and we ended up engaged instead, though I'd imagine that's an extremely special case that almost never happens.) Just remember that change doesn't happen overnight usually either, it took me two years to become competent enough with my interactions to get even a '****-job' and I managed to move out of my parents house only because I moved into a 'groundskeeper's shack' to a wealthy older woman and kept said property trimmed and took care of her horses as rent payment so I only had utilities to pay. It wasn't even that much of a change at first, it's just that everything kind of fit together. I got competent enough to get a job and through said job learned to do so much better at interacting with people (you see the worst of people in retail, and you either learn to adapt to it or get fired quite quickly.) which made me just confident enough to approach the young single mother living next door to me and offering to fix her broken banister leading up to her front door that started a relationship that ended a year later in a happy marriage. Everything we do in life is connected, and while we can never see it going in in hindsight it's easier to determine cause and effect. You just have to make those connections, if you never connect with anyone then there is no cause and effect to observe other than nothingness. Don't get discouraged, do everything that you can think of to improve your outlook on life even a little bit. Then with an improved outlook you'll be more likely to succeed in improving your actual life. (Also, about the living at home thing, that's probably the least of your worries considering the way the economy is currently I think like 1/4 of 30 and under year olds live at home still. The important thing, again is to work towards becoming self-reliant, it's only when you don't make any such strides that you should be embarrassed about doing so.)

Disclaimer: I realize that I've probably intruded a little to much here and it might come off as arrogance though I tried hard not to sound so. When I read your op I saw a version of myself that died almost twelve years ago but almost took me with him and I don't want to see anyone else in that situation. None of what I said may help you, feel free to use or ignore these words as you see fit, I hope that your situation changes for the better and that you find peace and contentment with your life, wherever it may take you.

 

[Andar]

And to top it all off, I absolutely can't stand alcohol so I can't even drink my sorrows away. Sigh.

That is something you should treasure, because those who try to drink their sorrows away usually also drink their lives away...
And you're not alone in ranting about your live - my health has been unstable for the last two years, and while it's nothing life-threatening, I often can't work more than one to three hours a day before exhaustion sets in. And I still have found only part of the reason for that (next medical examinations are already sheduled).

 

[Aceri]

I appreciate the kind, encouraging words but I fear I may have led you guys astray. Although everything I said is true, this was just a rant about how I view my life, and it wasn't my intention to come off as trying to get some sympathy or anything of that nature. I really apologize if that is what you all felt I was trying to get out of the post, but it was basically something were I just needed to vent about the things I hate about myself so I could get it out of my head for a little bit. I guess I chose these forums because well, the people I have on facebook, aside from my family, are nothing to me. They're just people who are on it and nothing more.

I knew all those people in real life, either by going to high school with them or meeting them at various jobs before my state of mind degraded to what it is now, stuff like that. I like to think of myself as that type of guy who is always willing to chat, and regardless if you're wrong or right, I'll take your side because I view you as a friend and respect you. Also I am from that age group(which I think a lot of us are who are on here above their teen years) where when you were finished talking to somebody, you told them goodbye. I don't know if it's the day and age with the technology now adays, but nobody that I used to call, "friends" even cared to show me even that most basic of respects. Then of course I noticed that they were all those people who would only talk to me when nobody else wanted to talk to them or couldn't talk to them. I was the backup guy, the tool for killing peoples absolute boredom. At first I thought I was just being overly critical and paranoid, so I decided to test my theory with several of the people I knew, and the results from all of them all came back that I was just a tool.

I tried to overlook it though still because I liked to consider myself a good guy who is easy to forgive and forget. One day I decided to come out to my friend about my mental issues. I told them all on a 1 on 1 basis. And you know what? They ALL stopped talking to me, like I was f*king contagious or something. So I just kindly gave them all a big "f*k you" and told them that from this point on, I'm not going to consider them friends and that I am only keeping them around for my own personal amusement and they couldn't be less important to me otherwise. Everyone was fine with it, which further solidified my thoughts.

I don't know if you would call me agoraphobic. I mean I do HATE going outside. The only time I ever go outside is once a week to go to my councilor appointment at the local mental health clinic. But the primary issue is that I am DEATHLY afraid that everyone and everything is going to make me sick. When I go outside, even if it's just to the mailbox, when I get back in I need to change out of those clothes because that irrational voice in my head tells me they've been contaminated. I know my fears are irrational, which to me makes it harder to overcome them because at least with a rational fear, once you discover the root cause it usually starts to go away at that point. Not the same for irrational ones. Having irrational fears and phobias like I do, it's literally like knowing something but not knowing something at the exact same time, literally feels like the two halves of your brain are constantly contradicting each other on what is the right way to see and think of things.

I do try to make new friends. Like I've tried interacting with people around my age at the clinic you know, or just trying to be video game buddies with people, if for no other reason then to work on my social interaction skills, but people are so jaded by technology now that they way I am(the way we used to be back in the 90's, those of you who grew up then know what I'm talking about) that when I treat them the "proper" way, they think I am either some psycho rapist with a contagious mental disease or that I'm just super clingy. It's like, "No, it's called common respect! It's respectful to say goodbye when you talk to someone, it's respectful and polite to see how someone is doing and if they're okay." and crap like that. I honestly feel that once all of our grandparents finally pass away, it will be the end of the last generation of respectful people.(I'm not talking about segregation or anything, that's a completely different can of worms that I'm not going to get into.)

So in answer to your question Alexander, I think I am minorly agoraphobic? But majorly I am germaphobic, emetaphobic(if that's how it's spelt), I think my mental doc thinks I'm a schizophrenic, why else am I seeing a specialist in that field and taking schizo meds? And they've told me I have O.C.D. because I can't stop washing and sanitizing my hands and I have all these rituals that I have to do to just be able to breath comfortably outside. I sanitize so much my hands are covered in what I assume are alcohol blisters or calluses? And I wash my hands so much my knuckles are split almost down to the last layer or two, so you can imagine how painful it is to be in that mindset where I HAVE to put sanitizer on. Sanitizer on an open wound, not fun.

But don't fear about me like thinking of killing myself, I have a strong disbelief in suicide. As crap as things are right now or may get, I still hold to the hope that one day something will be better, even if just a little bit.

And Andar, I tried getting into alcohol when I was in high school. I could never get used to the taste. People tell me it's an acquired taste, but seeing as how to me it tastes like arse, it's really not a taste I feel like acquiring. It's bad enough that I smoke cigs, which is a major contradiction to my paranoia I know, but addiction is really hard to deal with heh.

I hope I answered you all correctly. And once again, I did not make this intending for it to be a "cry for help" or a "hug me" type of thread, I was literally just ranting about the crap in my life, though I do appreciate all of your guys' concerns and nice comments. If I ever fished for a compliment, I'd just go up to my mom and be like, "I'm fat." or "I'm ******ed." (I feel I get the right to use that term having spent my entire school life in special education.)

Edit:

On the aspect of money though I believe it's hard out there. I mean my brother lives in Flagstaff, 70% of his paycheck goes to bills, 20% goes to food to live on for the week, and only 10% goes to himself.

 

[Cyreides]

Man I know your feels in a very real way. I have a lot of these problems in my own life right now.

 

[Aceri]

I guess it's just the age we live in that we're all damaged in one way or another, huh?

 

[Simon D. Aelsi]

Mmmmm yeah, we're not in that "What the hell went wrong?" boat alone.

Consider this though: Some people just take (a lot) longer to realize what they want to do! When they do though... they'll impact the world in ways no one could have ever imagined.  If I went with a career in business like the rest of my family wanted I'd have never discovered my passion for the arts and for voiceover (my current charge in education)... It'll take longer of course, to finally reach a goal, but WHEN I do.... victory will be all the sweeter...