Amarysse's Anxiety Thread

[Amarysse]

Hi all,


I'm gonna splurge some heartfelt gubbins, because I'm feeling a little delicate and feel the need to vent, preferably to a small and (in my experience) supportive community rather than the cesspit that is social media at large.


I've suffered with depression, anxiety and shyness for as long as I can remember. I've only really recognised it for what it is in maybe the last 10 years or so, but in retrospect, it's always been there. It's prevented me from making new friends, from developing intimate relationships and from generally Having a Good Time existing in the world. It's not all doom and gloom, of course; against the odds, I do have a number of friends (who I don't see nearly as often as I like), I am married (to someone whom I'm perpetually terrified will start thinking I'm not good enough for her) and I have a supportive family, but still, as anyone who has suffered it will appreciate, anxiety strikes.


Tonight I'm having a pretty bad bout of it for various reasons: plans with friends fell through; an innocuous query on Reddit led to someone being unnecessarily abusive towards me (and naturally, that one abusive comment seemed infinitely "louder" than all the helpful ones); my wife is working nights, so I'm home alone. I guess I just wanted somewhere to hang out and chat for a bit, and perhaps a chance to get to know some of you peeps on these forums a bit better.


If none of that put you off talking to me, hi! Let's chat!

 

[wolfpak692]

anxiety and depression are something alot of us suffer from...  it can be crippling at times, but you just have to power through it and keep going...  and never listen to someone else's opinion, it is just that, their opinion which is alot like, well you know cuz everyone has one..

 

[Amarysse]

anxiety and depression are something alot of us suffer from...  it can be crippling at times, but you just have to power through it and keep going...  and never listen to someone else's opinion, it is just that, their opinion which is alot like, well you know cuz everyone has one..

I definitely know that. My experience of everyone having one (and often being one) meant that I quit social media completely a while back; I stick to small communities now, as the general standard of conversation is better, and the risk of running into unpleasant types is correspondingly smaller!

 

[wolfpak692]

well, not all of us in the smaller forums are not unpleasant... i have my days, especially after working all day ( i work from home doing customer service) where my nice is just niced out, but i keep it in check since there a time and place for it... just not on here... lol.... as far as social media, that is one of the biggest downfalls to human kind... we no longer interact on personal lvl's but build online relationships and interact with those... don't get me wrong, i am on FB, twitter, instagram, and tumblr, but i am only on there maybe 2 times a mth to check things out.. FB is ok since my family is very large and spread out across the US and FB is the only way we can all keep up with each other, but yet, i hardly ever post on a social media nor look at it unless someone mentions something to me about it...

 

[Amarysse]

Oh, I don't doubt it. Everyone has their off days. In smaller communities, though, the whole group tends to be a bit more "closely knit" so someone being horrible is a sure-fire means to get themselves ostracised. On the Internet at large, though, that pesky veil of anonymity and the sheer number of other people to hide amongst means that people can -- and often do -- say things that they wouldn't dream of saying to someone face to face.


The response to that is usually "grow a thicker skin", but I'd somehow rather "be pleasant to someone as your default manner" become the norm than the usual acceptance of "it's the Internet, it's full of jerks, deal with it". Do unto others and all that jazz.

 

[taarna23]

Yeah, I've never really understood the blind acceptance that people on the internet are jerks and that you just have to go with it. I suppose it stems from the fact that some people ARE going to be jerks, no matter what you do, and short of IP banning them (which has other repercussions and may not be effective anyway), there's really no way of dealing with them. Personally, I like the approach of just making all their posts/chat/whatever communication for that media is invisible to everyone but them. Yelling at people that can't hear you gets boring fast, I'd imagine.


Still, anonymity does terrible things to some people, so kicking the trolls off the internet is probably not an option. Ah, but one can dream...

 

[Amarysse]

Yeah, I've never really understood the blind acceptance that people on the internet are jerks and that you just have to go with it. I suppose it stems from the fact that some people ARE going to be jerks, no matter what you do, and short of IP banning them (which has other repercussions and may not be effective anyway), there's really no way of dealing with them. Personally, I like the approach of just making all their posts/chat/whatever communication for that media is invisible to everyone but them. Yelling at people that can't hear you gets boring fast, I'd imagine.


Still, anonymity does terrible things to some people, so kicking the trolls off the internet is probably not an option. Ah, but one can dream...

One can dream indeed. I sometimes feel that the '90s vision of a dystopian cyberspace future is preferable to what we actually ended up with, but oh well!

 

[Alexander Amnell]

   I get where you are coming from, I'm also an antisocial fellow with an anxiety disorder as well as a bit of an inferiority complex (I keep waiting for my own wife to realize I'm not good enough for her...but we have four kids now so she's probably stuck with me at this point and thankfully doesn't seem to draw that conclusion at all thusfar) and it can be tough, but like you said it's not all doom and gloom seeing as how you have kindled some relationships and even a marriage, which is no small feat for someone dealing with anxiety and depression caused by anxiety on a regular basis. I get it, I would get so anxious over just dealing with people in everyday situations that I'd wake up each morning and empty my stomach of all it's contents in terror of the day ahead of me, took me years of being coaxed to finally acknowledge that I had a mental issue manifesting physical symptoms rather than a physical one and seek help, which brings me to the subject of therapy.


    If you haven't tried it yet, and can at all feasibly do it I'd recommend finding a good therapist asap. People like to knock therapy as something 'for crazy people' at the best and a complete sham at the worst but in my own personal experiences letting my loved ones talk me into going is definitely up there with some of the smartest things I've ever done for myself. Not necessarily because I had a particularly brilliant therapist either, we still disagree on a lot of the things we discuss but just having someone to vent your frustrations to in person on a regular basis who can give you input on those frustrations where you can just let all guards down and just vent to without having to worry about damaging relationships in the process (family and friends can be a great support network, but it just doesn't work to talk to them when it comes to things like this because they can't help but let what you tell them in confidence affect their opinion of you in some way most of the time, and even if they could you'll be constantly worried about it anyway and will likely clam up so as not to 'burden' them.) because at the end of the day a therapist is paid to listen to you vent and while I've gotten some really decent advice during therapy in the past that catalyst for relieving frustrations without the constant fear of repercussions to those revelations can by itself be a very helpful therapy.

 

[Ms Littlefish]

Wouldn't it be amazing if you could shadow ban people in real life? That'd be an amazing premise for a reality TV show.


I'm very open about my experience with anxiety. I don't want to be treated like lace. But, I do hope more and more people come to understand that having this as an inner monologue can make certain aspects of life more challenging. That's all.

 

[Amarysse]

Oh good lord yes.


On the positive side, I think in general people are a lot more willing to talk about anxiety and related issues than they were even ten years ago. On the negative side, this does put across the rather grim picture that there are more people suffering with stress, anxiety, depression and similar issues than ever before. This may well be the case, but it's sad that there isn't an easy way to do anything about it.


Still, talking helps. Glad there are so many people here who "get it".


@Alexander Amnell I've considered therapy a number of times but have never quite gotten around to it. Private therapy is prohibitively expensive with my current life situation (my only income is through some rather erratic freelance work, though I do have a few irons in the fire for something a bit more regular, if not permanent) while therapy on the NHS takes months to even get an initial appointment. I did at least start talking to my doctor about it, though, and the medication I've been on has been helping a bit. Not fixing completely, but certainly helping a fair amount -- especially with sleeping. I used to have terrible trouble getting to sleep with anxious thoughts rattling around in my head, but the meds I'm on now have all but eliminated that issue, which is one worry dealt with at least!

 

[RHachicho]

Well .. I have Bipolar disorder so you're preaching at the choir here. It's a terrible thing when your pituitary gland decides to vomit on the rest of your brain. Usually happens when I'm alone at night too. I don't deal well with being alone. 


Took me a long long time to learn to control it. And believe me I get what you mean that it just strikes and then there's nothing you can do but feel terrible for the rest of the evening. That deep clawing dread gripping at you like a vice no matter what u might try to do. Sometimes it just gets so bad that my arm just  .. lashes out and makes me punch a wall .. just to unwind all the tension building up inside me.


The worst is when you go manic too. You start talking to your friends and then they say something mildly annoying but for some reason your brain is telling you that they have just killed your next of kin and desecrated their grave and need to suffer for their sins in the pit of hell fire for all eternity. Or you get so obnoxiously into something that you just end up nerding out at someone for ages. Or trying to go way harder at something than everyone feels comfortable with. And then getting upset when they don't share your enthusiasm.


Perhaps because of my struggle with serious bipolar syndrome I never really married. Relationships didn't last sooner or later I would have an episode and do or say something stupid. And every time afterwards when I had come to my senses and they where gone I just died a little and after a while I kind of lost interest. Lost friends in much the same manner. Bit of a sob story I know but .. it is what it is.


I feel I have a pretty good handle on it now. I am 35 .. i was diagnosed at 26 .. Probably had it since puberty. Yes it took me that long. Mental illness is no trivial thing. I am in the process of slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. Making friends. Going on dates. Trying to get back into the world I sort of fell out of. Making the game is part of it. I always wanted to make a game.


So yeah totally know what it's like. Personally I usually call up one of my friends on skype. Hearing a human voice helps a lot in a why typing to people really doesn't

 

[LaFlibuste]

I can't really comment on the mental illness part of the discussion since I don't suffer from one myself and, although I accept such things and refrain from judging people, I must admit I don't really understand. I just can't relate with having some kind of dark voice or sense of dread of whatever - I don't have those. Good for me, I guess.


Anyway, what I can comment on is the shyness part. I used to be a rather sensitive child and a very shy person up to my teens. Someday, in highschool, a very outgoing and assumed friend of mine told me something along the lines of "Aren't you tired of being part of the scenery?" and somehow I guess the idea ticked something in me. Shortly thereafter, I started wearing a poncho (everyday single day, it lasted about two years) and began playing trumpet (now ain't that an instrument that gets you attention!). Of course it didn't happen "like that", it was really subconscious, but in retrospect I can say it was probably all tied together.


Anyway, my first conclusion from this experience is that most people's opinion doesn't matter. You can just ignore them and say "screw it". I got made fun of a lot, but somehow I just learned to not care. Who cares what that dude on the street thinks of whatever part of you? Screw him. And if they convinced half the world you were stupid or whatever? Well, screw half the world, that means you didn't need them in your life. They didn't make the cut. Maybe I grew a bit cynical, heh. Now, of course this has to be tempered somewhat: it is not an excuse to be an unsensitive, self-righteous dick or whatever. I still value some (a lot of?) people's opinions, especially when they are constructive and well-reasonned and it doesn't mean I can't work on some aspects of myself. Mostly it just means I can assume myself and not feel bad about it.


From there, it was pretty easy not to be shy anymore. Indeed, what would you be shy of if anyone's opinion of you didn't matter by default? My second conclusion, then, was that although I had been shy, things didn't really change that much. I didn't magically become outgoing and made hundred of friends. I just came to recognize and accept that I'm an introvert and that's fine. I won't hesitate to say things when I feel like it (within the bounds of decency and respect, of course), but I just more often than not feel like not being the center of attention. And that's fine.


My third and final conclusion was that my friend's comment about being part of the scenery, although it served as a good catalyst of sorts, was kinda bull. I mean, you are always going to be part of someone else's scenery. I became a more colourful one. My outgoing friend was maybe a more noisy/omni-present one, but he still was part of the scenery for some people he didn't really have ties with. Such is life. So who cares what spot you occupy in the social scenery, as long as it fits you and you are comfortable with it?



Now, about that comment on how a lot of people a jerks on the internet are jerks and that should somehow be acceptable / you should grow a thicker skin, I'd be tempted to reply this: a lot of people in life are big jerks, and you just have to deal with it. The only thing is there is much less self-restraint on the internet. While in real life people might say hello, smile and compliment whatever only to turn around and say to their friend or whoever how they think you're a worthless ass, on the internet tell usually just say so outright. Maybe the internet makes (some) of of more honest. Yeah, cynical, remember? To temper a bit, there are a big bunch of real jerks, but there are various nuances of it: maybe some are kinda okay but are just tired or whatever and lash out, others are also okay but are poor at expressing themselves, sometimes they are good people deep down but you just have different values, etc. There are tons of factors in why someone is a jerk at this very moment. Doesn't mean they're a jerk at their core. But then again, you might as well just think so and dismiss their stupid comment outright if it helps  I know I still do, from time to time.

On a slightly related tangent, I don't really like this expression "a thicker skin". Somehow it implies that you just endure and absorb stuff and not react, but it's got to mine you eventually. In french, there is a expression that I could roughly translate as such (there might be an equivalent in english): It slide's on you like on a duck's back. I find it much more sane as you don't just take the hit and not frown, you evade it, the blow glances off of you and cause no damage, like rain of a duck's back. Anyway, nuances and details, but I like such things


So, for those tl;dr people, I guess: "Hey! Nice to meet you! Hang in there! I used to be shy too but meh".

 

[RHachicho]

For those of us with a mental illness it's a bit trickier because you don't always know whether what you feel right now is a real emotion or something caused by your brain being stupid.


It can be like you're a lightning rod for emotions. Like there's so much completely UNEXPLAINED anger or frustration or even enthusiasm or creativity in you and it just has to be explained. Our brains aren't good at dealing with emotions that have no basis in rational thought. The process goes something like this.


1. I feel X .. I don't know why.


2. Something makes me feel X very very slightly.


3. It must be THAT that made me feel that X!


Example all of a sudden I feel afraid .. don't know why just do .. it's an anxiety attack. There's no explanation. You look at the pokey walls of the small room your in. You feel a little cramped. Nothing you'd ever notice normally .. but .. all of a sudden the walls are closing in!


For those new to this kind of mental illness it can be very difficult to tell the difference between that kind of anxiety attack and genuine phobia or fear. It's the same with anger and anger is perhaps the most destructive. As it makes you lash out at people in your life that really don't deserve it because your brain had to have a reason for the anger. And that little thing your friend or lover said or did that ever so slightly annoyed you suddenly makes you give em a whole heap of passive aggressive or outright verbal abuse. You can imagine how destructive that is.


Of course afterwards when your brain has calmed down you always realize what a total streaming water-bag you have been. But by then it's far too late. It's like it lets the WORST part of you out to play. You know the part of you that heard how much you would be inheriting at the passing of an older relative when you where younger and made you think .. for just a moment .. man .. wouldn't it be nice if they died so I could have that money.


To be clear this isn't a thought I entertain but I'm sure you guys have had horrible little thoughts like that which flash through your mind and get crushed out of existence by the rest of you. But when your in full bipolar swing those parts of you can sometimes call the shots. It's rough .. because you really aren't an rear end in a top hat. It's just that your brain is on it's own cocktail of drugs and for a little while .. all the best parts of you are buried in ****.


Fear is the next worst one .. we all think about death every now and again. It's an unpleasant fact of life we can do nothing about. But we aren't supposed to have to feel like the lion's jaws are at our neck for hours and hours and hours. It's so .. draining. It really crushes your will to do anything. And creating anything that isn't super grim while under these conditions is an uphill struggle.


It's not all bad though I have done some of my BEST writing while under the influence of a manic creative mode. Every now and then your glands decide to flood your brain with something usefull lol. For example I was running once and it started raining. This was when I was losing weight and I was just starting to properly get fit .. to the extent that running a reasonable distance was no longer an unholy slog. It was summer and it was hurling it down suddenly with that warm rain that felt like a shower. And something just .. possessed me. There was a huge downhill in front of me so I just .. bolted. I sprinted as fast as I could grinning like a mad Cheshire cat the entire time. I just couldn't get enough of the speed! There are few times I have ever felt so alive than in that mad .. simple dash. In the end it only lasted about 2-3 minutes and my body was screaming for me to stop. Had to walk the rest of my "run" But i never really did regret it. I had turned to comfort eating as part of coping with my bipolar and was like 400 lbs (I'd gotten to about 290 by then) Just .. RUNNING like that was something I thought I'd never be able to do again.


Bipolar syndrome is a weight yeah .. but sometimes .. just sometimes it gives you a moment that's just so fricking perfect.

 

[Touchfuzzy]

I know I come off as very casual and jokey on the forums, but IRL I'm a ball of anxiety most of the time. It has gotten better over the years, especially as my job has gotten better (I love my job so much), and I just in general get better at distancing myself and saying "do what you can do, don't worry about what you can't do."

I still fail sometimes. Anxiety is a hard thing to grapple with. You can't just tell it to go away.


I don't have a real answer. I don't think anyone does. But you are not alone.

 

[HexMozart88]

Yeah. I can't really relate to disorders and stuff, but I will say one thing: being an asocial freak isn't fun. You know how many people have given me funny looks for walking around by myself? Or how many times people have gotten mad at me because I don't trust anyone? I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid of heights because I think someone's going to push me off. I'm afraid of escalators because I feel like I'm going to get stuck. I basically stay in the computer room on the forums or working on my game because it makes me feel like an actual decent person for once. So, yeah. Endless cycle of nightmares of people turning on me, keeping my mouth shut the whole day, then people would be asking me if I'm alright, and I just nod. Someone asks me how I'm doing, I say OK, or good, no matter what. I hide my pain, because it doesn't make a difference, even if my body and soul radiate it. 


And @RHachicho, I feel afraid at random times too. I'd be walking outside, and there would be a tree over me, so I'd be like, "If that were to fall on me, how many pieces would my bones be in?" And we'd be driving in the rain, or at random times, I'd be like, "Something's going to kill me, right now." And it would just be in the calmest of circumstances. 


I also get restless at random times. That's another reason people think I'm weird. Because when I'm restless, or thinking really hard about something, I pace. So I'm constantly told to stop because it's distracting. Sometimes I'd be sitting in class and I would absentmindedly tap on my desk. Then the person beside me would start giving me death stares. But I guess we should all do as my friend says and embrace what we have. 


I just realized I wrote a complete novel of a post, so I apologize. But I hope that helps.    

 

[baufian]

As you can see there are plenty of us sitting in the same boat as you. It's always good to know you are not alone, as someone who suffers from bi-polar I ( manic-depressant with constant thought of hurting yourself and others.) It can seem scary at times to my family but even my young ones have learned when I'm having a tough time, it's best to stay calm and help distract my train of thought. I feel so bad after any mood swings I have that it feels unbearable at times and go into panic attacks after wards. just take it one day at a time. 

 

[Astel]

I suffer from anxiety from certain "normal" situations, and sometimes is so bad that i have no other choice that crawl under the sheets put my earphones at high volume and run away from everything... it's something that most people can't even imagine, much less understand...

 

[RHachicho]

@HexMozart88 No need to apologize. That emotional tension manifests in all sorts of ways. With me it just sort of builds up and builds up until my arm lashes out and punches a wall. I also have what's known as a "mixed episode" about once or twice a year. Which is curling on my bed in a fetal position trying to deal with massive conflicting emotions with little basis in reality. It's no fun at all. But talking to other people and realizing you aren't the only person on the planet who feels like this can really help.


It can be so frustrating when no one around you seems to understand. And when your are like me when I was younger and you end up verbally or even physically lashing out at people when it all gets too much it can end up isolating you. Which just makes everything worse because it's not as if you genuinely hate people. Or even the people you lashed out at.


Manic Depressives are forced to disillusion themselves of the comforting shared hallucination that we as a species share that our emotions are completely ours to control. The key for me is realizing that while my emotions where NOT mine to control my actions still where! I learned to tell the difference between real and fake emotions. Not an easy task. I learned to ask myself. What am I afraid of? What am I angry about? And if I couldn't really give myself a rational answer I could accept I would know it's just my brain messing with me.


It's not as if I'm Mr perfect. Sometimes it gets the better of me and I just blurt something out I shouldn't. But I make people around me who I have been friends with a while aware of my condition. I talk to them about it. That does surprisingly help a lot. Don't just say .. well that's just me. Tell them you have a condition, Describe it to them. Make em understand. Trust me if they are friends worth keeping they will forgive the occasional annoyance if they know you really can't help it. Especially if you get good and humble and APOLOGIZE AFTERWARDS. This is super important. It tells them you realize what you said was unwarranted. And that you realize this was part of an outburst. And that the part of you that they actually like is genuinely sorry for the trouble.


Obviously however there are no excuses for being physically violent to those around you. If you are truly in danger of hurting yourself or others you should seek medical help. It was never like that for me. But luckily while sometimes I certainly wish I could strangle someone. I always settle for a verbal bashing.

 

[KayZaman]

I'm feeling that too. But I don't wanna tell my story, so keep calm and strike the anxiety.

 

[HexMozart88]

The thing is, sometimes, I feel like people would be quicker to understand me if I had something like that, because at least I have a reason to feel the way I do. At confession one time, my priest just could not understand why I think about death so much. Nobody I know has even died on me. I didn't even know at the time, but I think the reason why is because I'm preparing myself. I write about the worst scenarios conceivable so that if I come anywhere near to what my characters experience, when the final blow is dealt and I lose someone, I'm ready. When I'm no longer needed, I'll be ready. It makes me feel better, somehow, writing about this horrible situations, because I know they happen, and I become aware that they do. And the problem is that is just me. A lot of crazy things have happened to me, so since then, I've spent my whole life thinking... why can't something normal and bad happen to me for once. Kill me even. I don't care anymore. Anything's better than this. I'm not violent, but I just see people as dolls with empty eyes, incapable of actual vision. Actual understanding. I'd hear people in my class complaining about how fat they are and how much they hate themselves, so I'd be seething inside, like: How the heck do you think I feel? The only way I can feel actually important is to sit by myself, on these forums, to feel like I'm helping people for once. My best friend has depression. And, people only started being more accepting of his constant crying since they found out. But me, I will forever be thought of as weird because there's nothing I can say that can change that. I get made fun of for getting injured all the time, and not being able to walk straight. But I just keep my stinking mouth shut, and bite my lip. I'm also laughed at for being slow to respond. Gee. I wonder why I don't talk to people.