[BAD JOKES] So fail that was a win!

[Amysaurus]

Well, I have some lobster jokes, but they're kinda clawful.

Eh... I guess I'll share them. It's better than being shellfish.

Why did the lobster go back to college?

---It wanted to finish its degree in claw.--

How do you cheer up a lobster?

--You've just gotta butter him up!--

Why should you leave sand out on Christmas Eve?

--So Santa Claws will come!--

What did the lobster think of my jokes?

--They really cracked him up!--

 

[Simon D. Aelsi]

Here's one, maybe. 

Warning: Dirty picture.

Spoiler

 

[Diretooth]

Well, I have some lobster jokes, but they're kinda clawful.

Eh... I guess I'll share them. It's better than being shellfish.

Why did the lobster go back to college?

---It wanted to finish its degree in claw.--

How do you cheer up a lobster?

--You've just gotta butter him up!--

Why should you leave sand out on Christmas Eve?

--So Santa Claws will come!--

What did the lobster think of my jokes?

--They really cracked him up!--

Wouldn't it be Sanda Claus, though?

 

[TengHu]

How did I not find this topic earlier?! I'm known for my corny jokes.

Do your socks have holes in them?

 ...No.

Then how did you put them on? 

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

You Poker Face.

 

[markjacks]

Good one right there Rgangsta! 

 

[Balrogic]

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.


The first one orders one beer.


The second one orders half a beer.


The third one orders a quarter of a beer.


The fourth one orders one-eighth, and so on.


The bartender sighes, and pours two beers.


"Know your limits, and now go on and divide them among all of you" he says.


An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.


The first one orders one beer.


The second one orders half a beer.


The third one orders a third.


The fourth one orders a quarter.


and so on...


The bartender kicked them all out, saying:


"What are you trying to do, bankrupt me?!"

What does a drowning number theorist say?

Spoiler

log log log log ...

 

[Kyle Elyk]

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his pizza?

Because he ate it before it was cool.

=D

 

[Monkeysnow55 The Cookie]

I would tell you a pizza joke but it's too cheesy

 

[TengHu]

What did the mathematician say before he used the bathroom?

I have to drop a log.

 

[TheRiotInside]

You can't use sarcasm on kleptomaniacs, because they take things...literally.

 

[Kaelan]

When I went to work today, I found out my New Years resolution.

Spoiler

It was 1920x1080

 

[Nivlacart]

A man walks into a bar... ouch.

 

[AriesFireTiger]

Some awful things I've said involving dogs

This one has the b**** word

Spoiler

If I had to choose between a ***** and a ***** I would pick the one covered in fur.

Lock your dog and your girlfriend in a closet. After an hour, open the door and see which one is happy to see you.

 

[Nivlacart]

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

 

[Wyn Wizard]

You know, i used to have hallucinations. Now i see a therapist.

At one point i was a kleptomaniac, but now i'm taking things for it.

 

[AriesFireTiger]

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" 
The logician says, "Yes."


How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? 
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."




First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win. 
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even. 
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.




Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" 
Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."


How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
A fish.

 

[_Shadow_]

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" 

The logician says, "Yes."

Can't stop laughing!

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? 

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

Wow! :-O  SO true!

 

[AriesFireTiger]

One more for ya before I head off to bed.

An optimist says the glass is half full.

A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

[_Shadow_]

One more for ya before I head off to bed.

An optimist says the glass is half full.

A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

True! Hahahahaha!

 

[Mage Heart]

How do you prepare a space party?

You plan-it.