Breaking Point

[RetroBoy]

I have been a member of the RPG Maker Community in one form or another since about 2003. I am making this post because I came back to make a game I had a clear vision of. My goal was to create something happy and positive, to contrast the heartbreak and difficulty I had experienced in life and combat the more serious overtones in modern gaming. I wanted to capture something with the tactical elements of pokemon and the bright and sparkling elements of arcade gaming.

I was initially told by many people that my ambitions were too large and could not be accomplished. However, I persevered and continued to invest my money. I built up a small team of extremely talented people and although I ran into some bumps, I was always able to keep going. If not for a crucial misjudgment, I believe I could have accomplished my vision. Which is ultimately why I am making this thread.

I spent over 900 hours working on development in preparation and thousands of dollars on custom code and assets. During this time a budding romance formed with one of my artists. Which in retrospect was a massive mistake. I’d recently lost my fiancé and her kids, who were like my kids, and then on top of that my dog died. I was hurt, vulnerable and my hope for the game was the only thing keeping me going.

Even so, to find that this individual was not only talented enough to work on my project, but invested, interested in me, and someone who shared many of my ethics, I fell hard. And in doing so I gave them too much of a voice and influence, both in the game and in my life, especially given their own self-admitted lack of prior relationship experience and social skills.

Regardless, working with this individual almost daily allowed us to make exceptional progress. However, she soon lost interest in me but rather than opening up and communicating this, I was simply told to give more and more space so things could mend, which I did, only to be told that contacting her once daily or weekly was also too much. It felt as though she was hurting me and then punishing me for being hurt. I was getting mixed signals and it took minor insecurity and turned it into a hurricane of doubt and confusion.

Not wanting my vision to die or to lose my last friend, I held on too hard (let that be a lesson) and ultimately this person began to hate and resent me, recently making accusations like “harassment” which seemed completely illogical and irrational from where I stood. I really should have taken the hint and dropped her from the project significantly earlier or not fallen into the trap in the first place.

Of course, she resigned and for the last few weeks (especially over the holidays) I’ve been forced to look at myself.

In an effort to win her favour, I took a second job, started dieting and really focused a lot on the game. So, without her I lost a lot of my motivation to do anything. It was especially hard over the Christmas break as my attempt to find happiness and cheer and spread it with the local community had people treat me like I was a weirdo or a creep.

Now, I’ve been attending therapy regularly enough to know that there is nothing wrong with me. I am an intelligent person. I am a compassionate person. I am a good person. I am a fair person. And yet, I have been entirely alone for most of my life. I have no real family and my friends are at a point in their life where socializing is a thing of the past. All of this, the loss of the game, the loss of my friend, and someone who had spoken of building a life with me has made this entire experience excessively complicated and corrupted the spirit of what I wanted to create in the first place.

Making matters more complicated, I cannot contact the individual without appearing as if I am invading her space so cannot get get a contract signed allowing me to use her resources without risking legal dispute. Which is really just the final nail in WARD's coffin.

If you are still reading at this point, you are probably wondering… so what?

Well, I am making this post because I need to put my project to rest. I want my failure to be an object lesson to others not to make my mistake. Vision and money alone is not enough to make a game. You require a strong dedicated team and you need to pick your right hand extremely carefully.

If you are a young man (or woman) and your right hand man (or woman) tries to establish a romantic connection with you. I advise you to nip that in the bud immediately. As a project director I was most successful when I was removed from the people working with me and treating them like mercenaries. If you count on these people or allow them to influence your vision, you, like me, run the risk of their talent and vision polluting your own and if they leave, you will be unable to progress.

You may be able to replace them (though even that is difficult) but you will find it virtually impossible to replace their enthusiasm or insight, which is not fair to anyone involved.

All of this might seem like common sense to everyone but I wanted to share it regardless. After what feels like months of wondering if I could salvage my project and the time invested, I do not believe it is possible and I will be stepping out of the game making community, this time for good.

I always hold onto things and try to make them work, try to turn it into a victory for everyone involved, but there does come a time when you need to recognize people and things as something negative in your life and walk away.

I wanted this to be a source of happiness for me but it no longer is, it merely reminds me of heartbreak, hurt and the overwhelming feeling of isolation that surrounds me on a daily basis. In essence, I had sought to create a game to make something of lasting happiness in this world, something I could enjoy, and I have been robbed of the opportunity to do that.

Be wise. Be smart. Be careful. There are people in this community who seem like the nicest people in the world but they will use you until you bore them, then hurt you in the pursuit of their own pleasures. They are not your friends. They will pretend they are, then back pedal, they will promise to stick by you to the end, and they will leave. Learn how to spot these people, don’t give them your money, don’t depend on them, and when they hurt you, don’t let it get to you. They’re the ones with the problem, it’s not you for having the courage to let them in.

Best Wishes, Happy Holidays and Goodbye,
RetroBoy

 

[Parallax Panda]

That was a long and emotional post, but I read it too the end. Whatever you chose to do from now on, even if it has nothing to do with RPG maker, I hope it works out for you.

It's a little early but... Happy New Year @RetroBoy !

 

[Poryg]

Actually, yes, it is common sense to never let myself be manipulated. But just like in the project that begun with a question "Have Germans learned their lesson from WW2 about absolutist dictators?" and ended up with a fully fledged political movement under the rule of the teacher, common sense betrays us when it's put to practical use.
Even Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones died, because he let himself be manipulated by a woman. And he was a firm and strong leader whose common sense cannot be questioned.
So yeah... Always a good lesson. Never let anyone manipulate you. But it is hard to follow unless you have a hard lesson you've learned yourself.
On the other hand, I agree, it is much better to cut off anyone who is trying to manipulate you. Because if you take it too far, it may end up badly. I myself have lost multiple dreams to girls manipulating my feelings. And my self esteem went down with that. So I know how it feels. I also know it will eventually stop hurting. And maybe one day you will want to return to game making... Although it will never be the same again, because the enthusiasm is tainted by real life experience.
Goodbye, fellow warrior. I promise I won't let your experience be in vain if I ever decide to assemble/join a team.

 

[Wavelength]

RetroBoy, I say this with a lot of respect for you, and some level of fondness for you as a person, from the times we've crossed paths at the forums.

The way I see it, based solely on what you described in your post, you were trying to use your game, and the lady you were working with, as a way to fill things that are clearly missing in your life. I feel for you so much, because I'm missing some of those same things in my own life, and when circumstances conspire to "twist the knife", it has caused me so much anguish. I do know how it feels, and the headspace it can get me into.

But you have to look in the right places if you want to solve these issues, and I have my doubts about whether pursuing a romantic relationship (I can only assume this is why you went on a diet?) with someone you're paying for work is a sound choice. It can create a lot of uncomfortable situations when your visions don't meet - about the game or about your relationship. Perhaps she was no longer interested in you romantically, but still felt passionate about your game, and cared too much about your feelings (at first, before things got toxic) to tell you. Perhaps it was the other way around, and she didn't want to work on this game anymore, but did so out of a commitment to you, until it became too much to bear and she soured on the whole package because she couldn't separate the two in her mind.

The loss of your family, your friends, your pet, perhaps your sense of purpose - these are things game-making can't replace.

And you're not wicked or deficient as a person for not having them.

I don't think the answer is to turn away from game making, nor to distrust the larger online community. I think the answer is to endeavour after the things you really need in your life first, and smaller passions like game-making second. I can't necessarily tell you reliable ways to get those important things (otherwise I'd have them all myself); all I can tell you is that you need to chase it with all you've got. Don't let your efforts get misdirected into substitutes. If you suspect something (like your project) could be a substitute, talk to people who have been there before, and ask them what it changed and didn't change in their lives.

Talk to your therapist about this. About what you hoped to get out of your game-making, and about how and why it hurt you when things fell apart. S/he'll probably have a lot of useful and surprising ideas about it.

I think I can speak for most of this community when I say that I hope you decide to stay, or to come back soon - and that either way, we're wishing you only the best in attaining the things you want from life.

 

[readydotexe]

@RetroBoy I have experienced betrayal a lot thorough my life but I know your case is way more deep. For starters I want to say I'm so sorry for what happened to you, you really didn't deserved that and you're completely right about not doing anything wrong.

Sometimes life is truly unfair to people like us that trust too much, that give too much and then we're left with nothing, but there's more to that...
I know that your project brings you bad memories about true loneliness, but you can transform that feeling after all our lowest points are the ones that open the greatest change.

Don't let ANYONE mess with you and your dream! Don't give up! Instead of your project being a daily reminder of despair transform it into a symbol of pure determination, that you didn't let any difficulty, any individual, no one to stop you. Time heals, whenever you're ready...
keep going and never look back.

 

[RetroBoy]

Dear Wavelength,

You are entirely correct with your assessment of the situation. You really seem to have a firm grasp of it and it is my hope that this clarity comes from a gift for insight, rather than personal experience.

The thing which I would like to address first and foremost is that I was trying to use game making and a relationship to fill a void in my life. This is entirely true. However, I'd like to share a little insight on that because I think there is a VERY important lesson here for people:

I am 34 years-old. I was raised in drug dens and motorcycle gangs but through hard work, personal sacrifice, the power of capitalism and a little guile I now own two homes and have zero debt to my name. I have traveled the world and lived a hard but adventurous life. I have emerged from my many hardships with scars, I am far from perfect, but I've always been (perhaps foolish) and idealist. I've fought for the things I've believed in and tried to make a good life for myself.

I made the hard choices in the little moments. It cost me sex. It cost me relationships. But I worked hard and stuck by my principles. I am now in a situation where I could never work another day of my life and continue to coast by with a comfortable wage well into my retirement and beyond. I own every game, every action figure, every comic book, every novel, everyTHING I have ever wanted.

I have met many celebrities and am on first name basis with them, I know all my favorite bands and have toured as a roadie with half of them.

Best of all, I stuck by my values, did the impossible and at the end of the day... I "won."

And its empty. It is the most hollow and miserable emptiness you can imagine. It is completely meaningless. Meanwhile, I watch on facebook as the teeth fall out of the methheads I went to school with and people who promised they'd never be their parents unironically post pictures of themselves getting drunk and stoned and are on unemployment in the same place in their life... but you know what?

They all have kids. They're all smiling. And not a single one of them spent their Christmas or New Years sitting alone in an empty house while three dogs ran around. They weren't forgotten. They weren't shunned or ignored. Sure, I could pick up my phone right now, right this minute, and talk for a half hour with people who were once my idols and are now my "friends" but I am in Australia now, not the US and my best friend is dying of cancer. He's two months older than me and has three kids. I rarely ever see him, once a week if I am lucky, usually for an hour or so, sometimes.

I did everything right, I played my cards fast and lose, with passion and fire and I worked the extra hours and busted my balls being the best damn person I could be. I've heard countless speeches about how I'm the "strongest" or "smartest" or "kindness" person "X" or "Y" knows. How my life story is inspiring, blah blah blah... but at the end of the day. If I died, right now. If something happened and I dropped dead... no one would even know for at least a week.

I've tried making new friends, I've tried helping strangers, I've tried basically everything except abandoning my values and going out drinking on the weekend. And if I did that, I wouldn't be me. I'd have sold out the one thing that allowed me to have the things I have and given my parents penchant for addiction, how long until it consumed me too?

So, when I look around and see the world, I see somewhere I don't belong. Once upon a time I could make a room light up or make myself the butt of a joke, but that **** doesn't fly when you're a 34 year-old man. People grow up, their families come first, and they don't need someone to fight their battles for them anymore. So, like an imaginary friend or an old shotgun, you disappear from their lives until they need you again.

Only... you don't disappear. I know if I had a good woman and a family, I could be a great dad. Being a dad was what made me happiest in the world. If I could find a woman who shared my values and wanted a family, someone who even liked half the geeky **** I did and accepted me for who I am, I could be happy. She could slot right in and the two of us could have a comfortable and prosperous life together. Only, the other thing they don't tell you is that by the time you reach 34, all the good women are gone.

See, society lies to you. You're filled up with all these noble notions but that isn't how it really works. By the time you're my age the vast majority of women have children to other men, are afflicted with sexually transmitted diseases or were so socially awkward or mentally ill that they couldn't last in a previous relationship. This (especially in Australia), makes it very hard to find a wife. Sure, I could sleep around, I could call and have parasite women here in a flash, but that isnt me and while it sounds great when youre a teenager ("Imagine being able to have a different girl everynight") when you get to this point, you will realize just how meaningless it is and how dangerous it is, one mistake and youre stuck with an affliction that (if you ever meet her) will infect the one woman you marry with the poison from another woman.

This is the stuff they don't teach you or talk about in Hollywood. The stuff I've found hard learned. The things I've tried to mend or fix but ultimately have no power over in my life.

My game was something I had a clear vision of and something I wanted to do. Something wonderous and innocent. I wanted to capture my childhood in the bottle, the good parts I had in the arcade scene, or bussing around the country playing pokemon between shows. I wanted to take that wonder, that tactics, that feeling and even if I couldnt have a family, even if I couldnt fill the void, I wanted to at least leave that behind so someone else could have it.

All my work is dark and in the horror genre, I wanted something hopeful and bright. Because at the end of the day Wavelength, I can't fill the void. I am happy and content in myself right now. I could die and know I lived a good life. There might not be six people willing to fly out and carry my coffin but there would be social network posts about people I helped where they had nowhere or what an awesome person I am. I know this. I'd be remembered well.

But everything I've owned, from the useless stuff I've held onto from the literal gutter to now, it would go to charities, it would be sold off to strangers. In a decade or so I'd be nothing but a memory. In many ways, that is all I am now to all of the closest people in my life.

I have failed to pass along my genes to the next generation or even leave behind anything hopeful or happy, just pain and misery.

The game was going to be different, but like an old song or a movie you and an ex loved together, it is now poisoned with more pain and heartbreak... and I've already told that story.

I guess what I am saying is... sometimes the best things in your life are the mistakes. Because at the end of the day, it is possible to win SO much. To fail and overcome SO much, that youre left standing there alone and the only calls or emails you get are about work or what you can do for someone else. And when that happens, you're the biggest loser of all.

I'd rather have nothing and one friend excited to tell me about their day than everything I have now. I'd rather wish I owned things then spend 4-6 hours combing through ebay trying to find something I might want that I don't already own. Don't be like me. I literally spent this Christmas separating about $4800ish dollar coins by type (like a Scrooge) just to see which type of which was rarest. That was my Christmas night. Then I thought of the girl who now hates me, then all the other people to whom I am a memory or a paycheck, and tried not to cry... because I am utterly, alone.

If it wasn't so pathetic it would almost be funny.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you again for the posts. I wish all of you a bright future. Learn from my mistakes. I might just be a stranger to you on the internet, but be smarter than me. Be wiser than I was.

 

[Sharm]

I'm a 39 year old single woman (in Utah no less, where "old maid" is 25), I know something about the loneliness you're going through. It's true that you really do need people in your life to be really happy, money won't get you that at all. Lately I've been trying to reconnect with old friends, people I haven't seen since high school and who I thought were too busy with family to want to spend time with me, and I've found myself pleasantly surprised to be wrong. We're not close again, we may never be, but we're still connected, and we still care about each other. Maybe, if the people you've let go of in your life are worth having in your life, maybe it's time to reach out first to them. It's been hard to see the things I don't have (family, loving husband, a life not ruled by pain and doctors) but it's helped me feel less disconnected from the world. If my health was better I'd be going to conventions or joining geeky clubs to meet geeky guys, maybe someday.

I know what you mean, people at our age who are still single are single for a reason, and most of those reasons are deal breakers. Mine is a combination of bad health and not getting married just because someone was willing to ask. I just wanted to say that not all the good women are gone. Hard to find? Absolutely, but not gone. I know of at least 3 others who don't go drinking or sleep around, don't have kids, and two of them are major geeks (the other one isn't really a geek). I'm all those things too. Not sure what you'd count as too socially awkward or mentally ill though. You don't have to compromise any values to find a good woman, even at this age, though you do have to look extra hard. Though I do have to ask, do you fulfill the requirements you have for women? Are you handsome enough, socially capable enough, ect? If you aren't, is it your requirements for women that need to be more flexible or your standards for yourself that need to be higher?

Right now I'm trying to focus on becoming the type of person who can be a good girlfriend or wife (which mostly involves getting my health better, can't exactly date when I barely manage getting out of bed). Maybe that would be good for you too. In any case you're not alone in this. Take care of yourself and be open to new relationships, even if they aren't quite what you're looking for. You may end up being used or hurt again, but trying and failing is better than failing by not trying. I've been used too, but in the end I decided that the good times were still worth all the pain. My measuring stick is if they make me want to be a better person then it's worth it. If they make me want to compromise things that I think would be a step back, maybe they're not good for me. Good luck figuring this all out. I hope this last Christmas is the worst you'll ever have and that things will just get amazing from here.

 

[readydotexe]

I really wanted to reply to you right away but I needed time to think what to say...

Relationships are also a big struggle of mine, I also share the dream of having a family. I'm still a very young adult, but I just wish someday I could be called a father and have a lovely wife and we could be happy little family... but I haven't gotten into any love relationship thorough my entire life, I have tried, god I have tried but as Sham said, it could be me having a low standard for women or I have just simple bad luck. Whatever it is, that feeling got me a lot in a part of my life, that emptiness didn't go away and sometimes it comes back...but I can't let that hollow feeling overshadow me, if it does I won't be able to center in what truly matters, my dreams. Bad experiences come when I think about even considering having a family at this point, but the thought is still there, and also as Sham said I want to become that person that my future wife loves.

You say that if you died people won't find out until a week later, but you still have time to change that, you still have time to find the love of your life and you still have time to start a project to refashion your life. You have been able to get out of a hard past by hard work, that fact haven't changed, there could be risks, a lot of them, but as you said, sometimes the best things in your life are making mistakes...good luck as well, and remember whenever you're down sometimes the only thing in your way is your own barriers, take care.

 

[RetroBoy]

I just wanted to say that not all the good women are gone. Hard to find? Absolutely, but not gone. I know of at least 3 others who don't go drinking or sleep around, don't have kids, and two of them are major geeks (the other one isn't really a geek). I'm all those things too. Not sure what you'd count as too socially awkward or mentally ill though.

Capable of leaving the house, maintaining conversation and openly expressing their feelings. I have been in several long-term relationships throughout my life and while younger it has always about me "being a hero" and helping women with troubles. I am currently looking for a woman who can talk to me about a book or tv show she loves, someone who can think for herself, someone with whom I have strong communication and shares my principles and places family before her career. They must also love dogs, as I have three I have raised by hand from their birth.

You don't have to compromise any values to find a good woman, even at this age, though you do have to look extra hard.

Ironically, the biggest hurdle is that I do not drink or take drugs and refuse to have alcohol or drugs under my roof. This is a deal breaker for pretty much everyone I've ever met in my life, as even the most restrained women tend to enjoy wine each night. I don't resent others who choose to have these things in their lifestyle, but given my own past, I cannot be comfortable in such an environment. Due to my upbringing, when I help a woman recover from a hangover it reminds me of my mother, and prevents me from feeling further sexual attraction towards her, which ultimately will kill a relationship. That is my issue.

Are you handsome enough, socially capable enough, ect?

I am an unattractive man. At my current age I am overweight, though not obese. I'll PM you a photo for confirmation. However, I have great blood pressure and I fit. Not as fit as I was when I was younger, but I have good cardio. That said, my entire upper body and back is covered in scars and old cigarette burns. I cannot get rid of these without plastic surgery. So, I've accepted long ago that I am not going to be physically attractive to my spouse. It would require her overlooking my scars and the fact that I am short (which is a deal breaker on its own for most women). When I am in a relationship I eat healthier and when I have a partner I am happy to workout with her and go to the gym, which slims me down significantly. However, as a single man I would rather eat chocolate and drink orange juice, then go without sugar and be miserable at the same time.

If you aren't, is it your requirements for women that need to be more flexible or your standards for yourself that need to be higher?

My standards are unfortunate minimal requirements that I've learned from years of trial and error. I seek to be as understanding and approachable as I possibly can. I am open to communication and respect the feelings of my partners, even if I do not understand them, I try to accommodate and let them know I am present. I do not strike women or have violent or strange sexual inclinations (in that regard I am very plain).

I seek to be honest, transparent and straight forward in all I do, including my flaws. Without certain assurances from a partner early in a relationship I can be insecure, which is unattractive, but these insecurities fade quickly once I have a steady commitment.

Although I am physically unattractive I am a loyal provider and a faithful friend. I have considered cosmetic surgery in the past, but I feel that attracting a partner in such a manner would be dishonest and ultimately could end. I want my next relationship to be my last and I want children before I am too old to be able to play with them and teach them bushcraft and survival skills.

I am not a perfect man by any measure, and so I understand why the only women attracted to me typically are for financial reasons, but to quote my therapist last week "[Retroboy], why are you even here?"

I'm not perfect but I'm not some lunatic either. I am just lonely and joining car clubs with men in their 50s and 60s feels awkward. Everyone at church (yeah, I am a former edgelord atheist turned Christian, which doesn't help either) is either in their teens or already married. So, that feels awkward too.

I've given a lot of thought to this puzzle and tried to find a solution, but at the end of the day the one thing in my life I cannot change or control is the way others see me or feel about me. I can just be myself and hope someone can find value in that.

I haven't gotten into any love relationship thorough my entire life

Hey mate, I don't know how old you are bud but you need to date while you are young and the easiest way to do that is to become good at something you do and driven. Many young women will be attracted to passion and hard work, this is how I managed to attract my prior partners. I also recommend asking about them and showing (genuine) interest in their hobbies. I also recommend attending you appearance as best you can. hygiene and confidence are important, though confidence is not always easy; believe in yourself. You are worthy of love and respect, even if others do not immediately see value in you.

If you do not own at least one suit, that should be your next purchase (even if that means going without a game you want). Do not tend to their needs, rather take them on a journey with you. My relationships always start to fail when I make them more about my partner than myself, especially with younger women. They want men who are not afraid to lead and stand up for what they believe in.

You should also take a self-defense course (karate, boxing, taikwondo, etc.) for at least six months. As this will help you become familiar with your movements and defend her honor in a situation where that might be required of you. You do not need to be a karate master, but as a man (and that is what you are, not a boy, a man) you need to know how to throw a punch and defend your woman. You want a woman to admire you, not pity you. Getting assurance helps a lot, but you want a hand on the middle of your back pushing you forward, not one on your shoulder. You are not looking for a mother. Its important to understand the difference, because women will pick up on that even if they do not immediately know why.

You say that if you died people won't find out until a week later, but you still have time to change that, you still have time to find the love of your life and you still have time to start a project to refashion your life.

I do not think refashioning my life further would be fruitful or beneficial, which is something that might be the problem and something I must think on. Right now my entire household is primed for a wife and a family, my budget revolves around supporting a family; a family which does not exist.

I have thought about moving back to the United States, but I am exhausted from traveling and want nothing more than a quite life in the country where I live surrounded by people I love. Only, the people I love are scattered all over the country and all over the world, and not right here with me. Plus, my oldest dog is 16 years old and would unlikely adjust well too moving. If I leave, I not only run the risk of missing his passing (and I have to dig his grave and bury him, no one else can) but my best friend is having a crisis of health and though I barely ever see him, being out of state or country if something was to happen to him would destroy me.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to listen and apologize if I seem dismissive. I am not. I am listening to everything everyone has said and will think and pray on it.

Best Wishes,
RetroBoy

 

[Thedemonpit]

That was very emotional. I hope you recover and get friends that will always stay your friend. I experience a similar situation a few years ago. When me and one of my old friends were working on a game. He did music and a good chunk of the art/assets while I handled everything else as best I could. As the game came to a slow standstill since we where both having trouble doing things to the best of our ability's. He dropped the project. He refuses to let me use the music/assets and he says if I did anything about it he would screw me and my game over as he was a major participate. I was forced to remove the small demo build of the game from gamejolt and drop all the testers which left them disappointed. I honestly didn't know what to do about any of it. We where working on the game with no money earning involved. Everything we got was made from our hands and we worked for about 2 to 3 years. I was pretty dam disappointing in myself for allowing this to happen. Due to this I allowed my grades to drop and a chunk of my friends stop talking to me. If it weren't for the friend I have had since 4th grade I would have either taken longer to get over it and screwed my school life entirely or the worst could have happened. I took a look at how I view friends and thanks to his support I am back on track. A new game is in progress. I may no longer have any of the handmade assets. But I am using what I can get to the best of my ability's. even though it has not been a full year since that happened the game is on a great roll and I have been working on track. Now as a solo dev I was able to get my testers back to check my first build When I feel it is ready for early testing. After all this I learned something. It will always get better. Find a activity you love such as game making,working out, or any other hobby. When you get to work on that hobby throw negative thoughts out the window and think on how you can recover.

Once again I hope you are able to recover from all you lost and I give you best wishes for the future. Stay positive my friend. ( I know I may have been a little late but I felt as if commenting was a must on this.)

 

[RetroBoy]

Its totally fine that you came with a late reply. I am not really active here anymore. I am just popping back and forth on this thread so no one feels ignored or disregarded. When you finally stop replying I will vanish.

I will say this though, if someone bailed and wont let you use the assets on your game, I dont think they were ever really your friend. I know that isnt going to help but I think your advice is solid.

I just have nothing I love to do. I've done everything. The only thing I enjoy doing is spending time with the people I care about and obviously that position is currently vacant. Anyway mate, I hope things get better for you too!

Well, I might as well leave behind something worth remembering. Thank you again to everyone. I wish you all nothing but the best! Infinite fist bumps!

((wave))

In a field of yellow flowers underneath the sun
Bluest eyes that spark with lightning; boy with shoes undone
He is young, so full of hope... reveling in tiny dreams
Filling up his arms with flowers right for giving any queen
Running to her, beaming bright while cradling his prize
A flickering of yellow light within a new mother's eyes
She holds them to her heart keeping them where they'll be safe
Clasped within her very marrow, dandelions in a vase
She sees love where anyone else would see weeds
All hope is found, here is everything he needs
Fathomless Your endless mercy weight I could not lift
Where do I fit in this puzzle? What good are these gifts?
Not a martyr or a saint
Scarcely can I struggle through
All that I have ever wanted was to give my best to You
Lord, search my heart, create in me something clean
Dandelions: You see flowers in these weeds
Gently lifting hands to heaven
Softened by the sweetest hush
A Father sings over His children
Loving them so very much
More than words could warrant
Deeper than the darkest blue
More than sacrifice could merit
Lord, I give my heart to You
Lord, search my heart, create in me something clean
Dandelions: You see flowers in these weeds.

 

[Windows i7]

@RetroBoy I know what it is like to have fake friends that really just want to use/manipulate you. It isn't fun, it sucks, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I hope you find something you love to do because without that life can feel depressing. Don't give up. You can get through it, I know you can.

 

[Sauteed_Onion]

@RetroBoy I don't know you, didn't know you, but that sounded pretty awful.
I'm a silly cat fanatic, but for whatever it means, you can always bombard my profile page with food items and randomness. I tend to stay in the "G" arena or PG maybe. I hope you can get through this uncertainty and realize there are deeper reasons we go through these hurdles than what it may initially seem. I'll bet you'll rise above whether it be 4 or 5 years from now, or even longer. Maybe the way things turned out saved you from something worse had this gone forward?

You can't help it when somebody goes toxic. The triggers are usually hard to identify, what is it that makes somebody flip out? They use little "I don't know I've never been in a relationship with someone" as an excuse.. etc. In the end what hurts almost the worst is just accepting it, and maybe seeing there were things you or both of you could have done differently but it didn't turn out that way. Hearts are sensitive delicate things, but they are so powerful at the same time. And when they hurt the whole person is down and out for a while.

When it does heal over, and it will, with patience, and love and prayer, I bet you'll be able to make a much more emotional and fulfilling game or experience for somebody to enjoy all the more. I play guitar alot, lately, and when I get sad or go through a tough time emotionally, (depression maybe), I seem to be a bit more creative. I try to soothe my pain away, but let that pain come out in the music, but I try to round it out with some happy twists here and there. And when I go back and record and listen to it, it is calming and kind of lets me see a depth I got out of. I had some pretty traumatic twists and turns all last year, and started off this year rollercoaster levels with my health, but I like to sit back now and RPGMAKER Forum it up with some friendly folks, and work on my cat game, and play some guitar. And I've been blessed by following my heart and getting short term disability insurance to keep me somewhat funded while I have been away from work. I had no idea I would be off for months. Here I am jamming out and talking to @RetroBoy about heart break. And no I don't know everything or even what the other person was really like, but you're alive, that means so much more than it probably sounds like. Can't fake contentment, but instead of worrying about the overrall, my best advice is identify the needs of the day. Work? Get it out of the way one hour at a time, and focus on the things there. Got time off at the house? Really, start reading some news. Read it, don't watch it. Sick of that? Take a showie. Got out of the shower got like 5 hours left before bedtime? Get some sit ups in. Don't count them, just focus on doing them 1 at a time. And do them til it is like NOOOO.
Sick of all that? Go watch SRD videos and laugh at his silliness. And don't forget prayer.