Buy the Chris Redfield Action Figure now! Now with real boulder punching action! A Resident Evil Rant. Spoilers. Violence.

Tanarex

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So out of boredom and curiosity, I watched the entire Resident Evil storyline. It was over 2 hours long. Which included not 1, not 2, but 3 Japanese (One of them takes place in Japan) stage plays. Something I didn't even know existed for RE. With all the overacting it should have been labeled a comedy. I saw a clip of the Last of Us stage play where Ashley Johnson reprised her role as Ellie. Which was strange watching a 36-year-old woman play a 14-year-old girl. But I digress.
Although almost every single RE story is incredibly stupid I'd like to highlight the 2nd Japanese stage play. Two nurses escape zombies by running inside the mansion and find several unconscious, uninfected men and women inside. Real original right? How do they know they are uninfected? Who knows? The unconscious, 'uninfected' people start to wake up and the nurses decide now is the time to play hide and seek. Why? Who knows? They just said they were nurses and the people were uninfected. I can't imagine they were very good nurses. People that might need our help. Run away! All the unconscious people have amnesia of how they got there and don't know each other. They try to leave by the front door and a zombie pops in to say hi. Nurses rush in and dispatch the zombie. The nurses tell them about the zombie outbreak. Some nonsense backstory. Blah. Blah. Blah. They all introduce themselves like anyone is gonna remember all 13 of their names. Let alone their occupations. Which makes absolutely no difference. Because they all seem to have lied anyway. Why? Who cares what your real boring job is? Everyone splits up to do some Scooby-Dooing. They find some weapons and medicine. Green herbs no doubt. They soon discover they have all been injected with something. So much for being 'uninfected'. Some guy outside knocks on the door and they let another survivor with a chainsaw in. No, it's not Ash from the Evil Dead. He is all bloody and injured. A survivor named Doi thinks immortality can be reached with zombie research. Why? Who knows? Who wouldn't want to live as a walking corpse eating people? Nothing else has made sense. Why should this? They discover they are all test subjects for Umbrella. Why would Umbrella tell them this? Who knows? Did they not think anyone would escape? If so why did they round them up in the first place? One survivor is suspicious about how Ebihara knows so much about the medicine (even though she is a nurse and knows about the zombie outbreak). Ebihara gets a text from Umbrella explaining the meds they found. This stuff isn't rocket science. One survivor turns into a zombie and grabs his chainsaw. Zombies are almost completely mindless. How would he know how to use a chainsaw? Gets shot dead after killing someone. With zombies outside two survivors decide to leave the mansion. Because they wanted to feed the zombies I guess? Something about Umbrella seeing if the survivors are immune to the virus that they injected them with. Why isn't this done in a lab? Where they can use machines and scientists to monitor and observe the test subjects? Instead of out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by zombies? Doi wants to become a zombie...because Reasons! And guess he wanted to eat brains. More stupid people die stupid deaths. Including Doi by a zombie. Abe (I don't know who that was either) discovers Ebihara is either working for an umbrella this whole time or totally insane. Because she laughs like a lunatic and taunts a survivor. Prolly both. They find a key hanging from the ceiling. What devious mastermind came up with this mindbending puzzle? Two survivors shoot each other because they are infected. Even though there is a cure? That the nurse who was bitten has been chugging like a fratboy at a drunken fraternity party. Ebihara turns out to be working for Umbrella all along. Way to keep things on the down-low with that text Umbrella. The nurses had to run to the mission during a zombie outbreak. Big chance she could have been dragged down by zombies and eaten. Then how would their dumb test work? She tells the survivors to fight to the death and she will tell them the password to open the locked door to escape. Bandou the woman in a leather jacket (aka the badass. Because she is wearing a leather jacket. So obviously.) aims the gun at Ebihara but is stabbed in the back by ranger Jinno killing her. Jinno reveals he knows all about this and volunteered for this military experiment. Why? Who knows? She tells the last 2 guys to fight hand to hand to the death. For some stupid reason. Don't know what that proves. Karasawa the only other civilian survivor overpowers and kills a professionally trained and armed soldier. (Who let's not forget volunteered for this insanity. Which means he knew he'd get turned into a Tyrant or die. Because... reasons!) The whole point was they were all injected with the t-virus to create a Tyrant. Which they didn't seem to have trouble making Tyrants before. And I ask again why wasn't this done in a lab? After Ebihara opens the door Karasawa strangles looney tunes to death. Bandou not really dead for some reason and perfectly healthy stands back up. Either Jinno pretended to kill her or somehow missed all her vital organs. Which would make him a terrible soldier specifically chosen for this experiment. He failed to kill a woman he surprised and stabbed in the back and got his ass kicked by a civilian. Bandou also reveals she knows everything and they are using this very convoluted and stupid process to turn people into tyrants. And again I ask why? And why is she telling him this? These are the absolute worst undercover spies. Karasawa shoots Bandou dead. Mostly because she is an idiot. Pretty sure she is dead this time. Don't know why she just didn't continue to play dead until he left or at least not tell him she works for the bad guys. Who isn't secretly working for the bad guys? A mysterious man appears in the doorway. Stopping Karasawa from shooting himself for an entire 4 seconds. Tells Karasawa to come with him and be his mindless, killing monster. I can't think of anyone short of a sociopath that would take up that offer. Karasawa shoots himself in the head. Every survivor is now dead. Making this whole thing meanless. The End. Doesn't even shoot the mysterious evil bad guy first. What? This story is so dumb it hurts my brain. I'm thinking whoever wrote this had been taking their own special green herbs. 1:51:24.
 

Tanarex

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"These are the absolute worst undercover spies."
One of my favorite comments of this entire rant.
I Don't have to watch that too do I?
 

Tanarex

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Yes, you have to watch it. It's only 1:51:24 to 1:59:54. See how much of the really dumb stuff I left out.
 

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-_- okay. I have nothing better to do at this hour.

Wait... why is the house wife the one in the leather jacket LOL

Alright, well I watched some of it... stopped after I had a fit of laughter with my roommate and her bf when Okouchi ( spelling? ) started being severely itchy before turning into a zombie.

That was interesting, I had no idea RE had stage plays.
 

Tanarex

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I've never seen a housewife wear a leather jacket either. Itchy....tasty.
 

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Itchy is a specific circle of hell
 

padr81

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Its a video game with additional media, they are all full of dumb stuff and plot holes as are most movie franchises.

I couldn't read your entire post because of the lack of paragraphs dude.
 

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Do you typically write your rants in MLA format @padr81 ?
I'm genuinely curious.
 

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@Finnuval you should read this, it is quite entertaining.
 

Finnuval

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@SpaceBot I have I Just didnt respond to it yet cause... Reasons lol!
 

padr81

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Do you typically write your rants in MLA format @padr81 ?
I'm genuinely curious.

I do break them up into paragraphs to be honest.

Your loss, padr81.

I got the jist of it dude and yeah Resi has some incredibly stupid stuff going on for sure and those stage shows are horrible. Like I said though its far from the only game series/movie series that its incredibly stupid. Also your title on Chris punching boulders doesn't really relate to the rant about the stage show.

If I was to describe FF8 as a bunch of orphans who forget one and other and fight their adoptive mother over space witches, it'd be pretty stupid too right?
 

SpaceBot

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I do break them up into paragraphs to be honest.
Ah, interesting. I do not know many people that take the time to structure as they rant. Typically It's like free flowing chaos.
 

padr81

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Ah, interesting. I do not know many people that take the time to structure as they rant. Typically It's like free flowing chaos.

I'm too old for youthful rants these days and too young for full old man incoherent rants. I do enjoy a good one though.
 

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I'm too old for youthful rants these days and too young for full old man incoherent rants. I do enjoy a good one though.

Okay so you're like 35 hahahahaha got it. Some good medium aged rants.
I'm kidding.
I think I just like rants, minus the incoherent types.
 

Tanarex

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@padr81 I know it has nothing to do with Chris Redfield. But it was about absurdity. Chris Redfield inside an active volcano punching boulders that would give The Hulk a hernia.
IDK, I've never played FF8. So... maybe?
 

padr81

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@padr81 I know it has nothing to do with Chris Redfield. But it was about absurdity. Chris Redfield inside an active volcano punching boulders that would give The Hulk a hernia.
IDK, I've never played FF8. So... maybe?

Yeah Chris punching boulders was pretty out there and dumb. Pretty much everyone in RE ends up with super powers in RE6, so I guess it set the tone for that.
I just don't mind those kind of things because most games are full of them.
 

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