Character Feedback

[Lunarea]

This thread is for discussing characters and how to tackle characterization. If you want give or receive feedback on your character's back story, general personality and overall skills, this is the right place to post.

Rules:

If you're asking for feedback:

- Be descriptive.

Include the game genre, atmosphere and general ideas.

- Describe what role the character plays.

Are they the comic relief? Romantic interest?

- Note your inspiration(s) or offer an example.

Referencing an existing game makes it easier for people to imagine what you want to achieve.

If you're offering feedback:

- Tell us who you're offering feedback to.

You can do this by quoting parts of the person's post or by making a reference to their name (such as "@user").

- Tell us which character(s) you are offering feedback about.

You may also quote relevant portions of their post. But please don't entirely quote lengthy posts.

- Have fun!

 

[Lord Valdyr]

First off my game is an RPG, the atmosphere is generally darker with a borderline horror undertone, it takes place in a viking age Norse like society but it is not our earth it is fantasy all together I merely draw inspiration from the Norsemen of old.

My character is Lord Valdyr (Valdyr is old Norse it means wolf) He is one of the kings in the warring lands, he is generally just and noble though his father was of questionable character and his mother was a whore. On the eve of an important battle Valdyr is betrayed and murdered by the leader of a group of mercenaries he has hired, but instead of entering Valhall he finds his soul in Hel the realm ruled over by the Norse Goddess of the same name Hel. There Valdyr Learns of a deal his father made with Hel that cause Valdyr to find himself barred from entry into Valhall and she grants him a second chance to live again in service to her while he seeks revenge for the misdeeds done to him. He raises from the dead and becomes a sort of DeathKnight like character that while has the will to seek out his revenge must also serve his dark mistress sometimes doing questionable deeds in the process that would normally be out of his character.

This is in early development, let me know what you guys think.

 

[IndigoAir]

I think you've come up with a fairly good premise. I am a big fan of mythology so it strikes my interest right off the bat. The one point I would suggest you consider is maybe adding just a little something else for motivation. Getting to enter Valhalla is in itself a tremendous reward, no doubt, but you have identified him as just and noble. He no doubt knows going into the service of Hel that he will have to do things against his regular character, so what is the push. What is the little extra thing that makes him willing to go that far to seek revenge, to claim his place in Valhalla. I know Valhalla is a place for warriors not for saints, and of course in the end it is entirely up to you whether you think the standing points are enough motivation for the character. Just a thought

 

[Lunarea]

@Lord Valdyr:

I agree with IndigoAir in terms of adding another motivation. For example, if he has a child or a love that he wants to protect - perhaps someone who is also in Hel. Giving your character that extra bit of motivation also makes it more believable that he would agree to questionable actions. Even a person who is very moral and just may go against their character if it meant the safety of their child.

 

[Lord Valdyr]

I really appreciate the feedback from both of you. I left out the fact that Valdyr's wife died the same night he did and that she too is in Hel but I sort of have a few different story arcs and I have yet to decide the one to take. Like I said very early development.

I have also debated on Valdyr having a child that yet lives but I'm not sure.

 

[IndigoAir]

I think it would be very interesting to see how both of those factors come into play in regards to Valdyr's story. Do you think you will be posting outlines of the different arcs, or do you plan on narrowing down/refining your options a bit more before laying them out for feedback? I'd certainly be willing to offer any more help if I can

 

[Lord Valdyr]

I will be refining things a bit but I will definitely post more options I'm thinking about.

I don't wanna give away too much cause some things I have in mind could be considered spoilers.

 

[Ihsorak]

For Valdyr:

You could include how he wants to leave a legacy of heroicism and prove himself as a better man than his father, though his actions under Hel sometimes (or often?) make that more difficult.

Game: My own character that I'm asking a critique for a character for a future RPG. The atmosphere is happy and vibrant but grows very much darker as the game progresses. The descriptions in this post are spoiler-free.

Character: The character, tentatively named Hizoker, is the character represented in my earlier avatar. She is the protagonist, leader of her clan, and a member of the council that mediates matters between the ten clans of the Ekyra (the name of the species.) She fought her way onto the council because she cares that much about the Ekyra and because of her strength; she is very caring and straightforward but has a short temper; she is very good in debate. She has no children but this is normal for Ekyra her age (24.) Life expectancy for her clan is around 34. She must travel often to get around the region and does so swiftly and punctually. If challenged, she will not grow cocky or frightened. In general she is a openly happy Ekyra, except when she needs to be serious.

Others highly respect her for her composure and because of the myths and tradition they believe, which say that her clan is the closest to the gods (they are the most dragonlike.) She also believes this mythos.

Situation and Motivation: There is a conspiracy among some members of the council to overthrow it in favor of one group, and she needs to aid the investigation. There have also been recent disappearances and deaths of Ekyra in some of the clans. Each clan, apart from Hizoker's, is responsible for old religious artifacts, which she believes are endangered by the conspirators. The consequences of this, as well as the fear of death and rebellion, are what make Hizoker search for, and fight for, a way to end it.

 

[Dark Phoenix]

Back when I was actually working on it, I wrote this for what was probably my best project, Feline Of The 9 Elements, to flesh out the characters on both sides (though to be honest, I'm not sure I like it much now). Spoilers abound, by the way.

http://crystalsanctu.../characters.doc

And yes, before anyone asks, my names are horrible.

Edit: Oh, uh, I am looking for feedback on the character bios, by the way. This is IMO my best project, and it's the one I'd like to complete the most.

 

[Signora Shishkebab]

@Dark Phoenix: I would critique your character bios, but it seems that your link is no longer in function. I would remedy that, if I were you... !~

@Ihsorak: If I may first ask, what is the future like in your game's story? Also, of what world is this the future of (I assume it isn't ours, due to the different races). If there are other races, what are their relations like with Hizoker's race?

She sounds like a very well rounded character, and sounds quite mature (her being 24, I'd say that is appropriate of her). Is it by her own free will that she's investigating, or was she obligated to do so by the council? Also, if she were the leader of her clan, wouldn't she already have a certified place on the council (unless she was not always the leader). Is there any reason why Hizoker's clan does not hold a religious artefact? I'm assuming this may lead into spoiler territory as you've kept fairly mum on details.

At the moment, it feels somewhat difficult to critique this character, as it feels as though you've kept concise in your description of her. What is this character's background before she was appointed as the head of her clan? What is her clan's relationship like with the others? What is the story's basic synopsis?

If you could elaborate further, I'm sure it would be easier to give better feedback. As of now Hizoker sounds like a character that would be able to grow, but it is hard to wrap a certain feeling around her.

 

[Dark Phoenix]

@Dark Phoenix: I would critique your character bios, but it seems that your link is no longer in function. I would remedy that, if I were you... !~

I can't believe my stuff sat there unmolested and unvisited for a decade, and now when I want to use it, it disappears...

Anyway, I'll take care of it when I get home from work.

 

[Lord Valdyr]

I downloaded it the other day it was still there.

 

[Dark Phoenix]

I downloaded it the other day it was still there.

Yeah, it appears to have been taken down on Monday. I'm going to have to find another place to host it.

 

[Ihsorak]

@Cass:

Yeah, it isn't our world. It's an entirely different one co-inhabited by various different intelligent species. She belongs to a specie called the Ekyra, a type of bipedal dragon-dinosaur people. One for example is in my avi. The other species are both reptilian and otherwise, but the Ekyra are (conveniently) geographically isolated from them all, except for the dragons that appear once in a while. They regard the dragons as powerful and sacred allies and guardians (though they really aren't inherently allies.) The dragons reciprocate their kindness to a degree and respect their territory and their numbers.

A couple Ekyra have ventured out, and are mostly friendly with the other species in the region. The Ekyra that do leave often come back with tales of their adventures and feel content having returned. Most are adventurers, though a couple of philosophers, scientists, and banished (though most are put to death) have left, the first two in order to take advantage of opportunity across the mountain, water, and forest barriers. They're good for the Ekyra's reputation.

Each of the eleven clans of the Ekyra are in a type of peace under the council. In general, one race doesn't hate the other, but they are all more partial to their own in the end for familial reasons. Some act more competitive around select races while being slightly more friendly to others.

Any more about the artifact thing would be spoiler.

Hizoker was not always the leader, but fought to become the leader and because of that a council member. The process of choosing a leader differs in each race, and in hers competition between the race's members is used. Her own race doesn't head the council because a lot of the leadership of the other races are much more secular than hers (even if their people may not be.) As a result, there's a democratic system in place. The leader heads talks with dragons and their clan receives respect from the others. All council members are required to relay messages to their clans and lead in peace efforts. In the case of a completely divisive war, the new leader would determine reparations and limitations for the clans. Because the leadership is pretty good material, this has only happened once or twice in the past. The two or three clans that did head fights against each other are somewhat hostile toward each other but are kept in check.

Also, some more about the Ekyra: they don't care for advanced technology. A huge part of this is that they don't care for trade or expansion and the population values their more traditional lifestyle.

You're right that I left out how she will grow as a character. I'm thinking that Hizoker will develop because of what exactly she finds during her adventure. In the end, she'll discover that the Ekyra were being used for something, and this discovery will greatly change her optimism and belief in the traditional image of the Ekyra. She will also become more desperate and begin dragging as she fights alongside to keep the Ekyra from complete disorganization, corruption, and later extinction. But she'll keep going and redeem herself.

 

[Dark Phoenix]

Okay, sorry about the dead link. You should be able to get to the document here:

http://rpgmaker.net/users/Dark_Phoenix/locker/characters.doc

 

[L.W. Flouisa]

The genre of the game is a post cyberpunk psychological thriller. The atmosphere starts out as an eerily sterile apartment, in the world along the surface plate. This is one of many apartment in a city dome, the exterior landscape is that of a nuclear wasteland. The dome is a protective environment that protects from the suns rays, since the end of world war III. However as the story progresses, you will go from the sterile city, into the slums of the world below the plate, where there is a faction war between proxy and the young bloods in progress.

The main character is Richard, a thirteen year old boy who's mother doesn't get home, till late at night, because she works at the government hospital. His most notable interest is in building robotic dogs, however lately he has grown in interest in watching the news. His life changes for the worst, when he had to escort a boy to the hospital, and his mother died in the terrorist attack. He must now survive the onslaught of a government death squad, and find a doctor, even if an underground one, that will treat his friend. However for now he has no idea why the troops attacking them.

Hope that was a detailed enough character feedback thing, without giving away to much.:3

 

[bruno_mend]

About the game atmosphere: Is something like the medieval and the present, Where a Man use a sacred Sword called Naikos to kill all people of the Order of Wizards, except Lanis, the younger wizard, saved by a miracle... After all this, the King wants Naikos and send a few guards to Lanis House. And She refuses to deliver the sword, and then is considered traitor and decide destroy the sword... Once for all.

Something More: The game is a Drama, So, the personality of the characters will be used in progress to cause many feelings in player so... Is it...

About the Character: Lanis is a twenty-four years girl woman, wizard since fifteen, she was adored by everyone. Then, the desaster comes, and all wizards are killed, except her... After the history(I told all this upside), she know the Spirit of the Sword, Karin, and creates a great friendship whit her... Then Karin asks Lanis to kill her... And Lanis, is undecided, if she kills the girl by her desire or if she do not kill by her own desire...

Something More: This is the main drama of the game, but there other characters and objectiver, but now I'm just want you to gave me a feedback about this =D

 

[Samven]

To both Tentacles and bruno_mend, I would say that you've both done a fairly decent job establishing who your characters are and how they fit into the world... yet, I have an issue. I don't actually know anything about the characters themselves.

What you've both done is establish how your heroes get involved in the plot; respectively through the tyrannical government and a magic sword. Both of these are all very well and good but I'd like to hear how your characters react to all of this.

So, for example, is Richard thrilled that he has a chance to fight the government that he's always suspected was a bit evil, or is he afraid and full of panic like any young child would be? I would like to hear what his opinions on all of this is, not what the plot blurb is telling us about the world.

Likewise, is Lanis driven to destroy the sword in the beginning out of responsibility to ensure that the kingdom will never be able to abuse it again, or is she doing it out of spite and revenge for the loss of the community that she was raised amongst? Though the end result is the same, the two actions themselves stem from completely different emotions. I would also suggest that you think more about the setting. It isn't really enough to say "somewhere between medieval and the present".

By that, do you mean that it's the medieval timezone with cars and planes? If so, you're going to have to establish why this schizo-tech exists. Do you mean it's literally slap-bang in the middle of the eras: which would put you at either the Renaissance or the Victorian timezone depending on your interpretation of which one is "in the middle"? If so, then you should say so: don't just say "it's somewhere in the middle". Don't be afraid to just admit, "it's the Final Fantasy airships and swords world". There's nothing wrong with the schizo-tech as long as you establish how it was made or where it came from.

Hope this helps you both.

 

[Luminous Warrior]

I have multiple characters that I want feedback for. This post is likely to be long, so I'll put the character descriptions in spoilers for your convenience.

Also, it might be helpful for you to read some of the story too, so I'm putting that in here too.

In my story, there are two religious factions, both stemming from the same myth. "Long ago, the world was in chaos, and ruled over by a being only known as, the Ancient One. He had power over all the land, and gave a portion of this power to each of his eight generals. But, one day, his generals betrayed him, and stole the rest of his power. Using this power they brought peace to the land, and, after they were done, hid the power in eight artifacts, and scattered the across the land." The two sides interpret this myth differently, one reveres the Eight Generals as heroes, while the other sees them as villains who destroyed the natural order. Each of my characters is blessed by one of the Generals, and sent on a quest to retrieve the eight artifacts. The setting is mostly a fantasy setting. But, if possible, I want to add an isolated area, in which the inhabitants have advanced or modern technology and are all atheists and make fun of the heroes for believing in the Eight Generals.

I'm still working on the names of the characters and villages, so if you have any suggestions, please tell me.

Also, if you want to know more about the character's mysterious pasts, there are more spoilers inside. But they also contain important plot twists and details, so don't open them unless you really need to know.

Spoiler

Name: Player chooses

Gender: Male

General: Pyra, General of Fire and Justice

Details: The main hero of this story, he is the nephew of the village chief in Korin Village. After he has a vision of the Eight Generals being defeated in battle, he sets out on a quest to gather the eight artifacts to prevent the Kaos Cult from finding them and reviving the Ancient One. Kind, but also a bit stubborn, he will never pass up an opportunity to help someone.

Spoiler

Name: Oros

Gender: Male

General: Rai, General of Thunder and Friendship

Details: The hero's best friend from his hometown. At first, he attempts to stop the hero from going on his quest, but eventually, after having a similar vision, he decides to come with him. He is very brave, and also very loyal to his friends. He's a bit of a joker, but when it all boils down, he's always there to protect his friends.

Spoiler

Name: Kana

Gender: Female

General: Kyra, General of Ice and Wisdom

Details: The daughter of the Grand Priest of the Noriad Church, she is very spiritual, and always calm and collected. She joins the party after they come to her, for her to interpret their visions. She too had a similar vision, and realizes that it's not a coincidence. She is usually the voice of reason in the group, keeping them away from overly dangerous and unneeded situations.

Kana is really Mark's younger sister. But they don't find out until near the end of the game.

Spoiler

Name: Tina

Gender: Female

General: Zara, General of Water and Magic

Details: A mysterious wanderer, who, along with Drake, joins the party after helping them locate the first artifact. Very upbeat and constantly happy, she never backs down from a challenge, and always tries to make the best of any situation. For her, the glass is always half full. She is also the only one who can understand Drake.

The reason she is the only one who can understand Drake, is because they are magically linked. She did this to save his life when a monster slashed open his throat, but it caused it to where, she can't be separated from Drake for too long or else they will both die.

Spoiler

Name: Drake

Gender: Male

General: Tara, General of Earth and Strength

Details: A mysterious wanderer, who, along with Tina, joins the party after helping them locate the first artifact. Always serious and constantly logical, he provides a rational counterweight to Tina's optimism. He is mute after a monster attacked him and slashed his throat. He somehow managed to survive, but now only Tina seems to be able to understand him.

Spoiler

Name: Mark

Gender: Male

General: Ari,General of Wind and Music

Details: A traveling entertainer that is attempting to find his sister. He joins the party in hopes that their quest will help him find her. He is a very kind person, but he also has a mysterious past, and seems to have a strong connection to the Kaos Cult. he seems to constantly be weighed down with guilt from something in his past.

His guilty secret is that he used to be a member of the Kaos Cult, but they forced him to destroy his hometown and kill his own family because they were important supporters of the Noriad faith. He nearly completed the task, but he could not kill his baby sister, so instead, he hid her and brought back the heart of a deer as proof he completed the task. ridden with guilt over his actions, he escaped the Kaos Cult and now is attempting to find his sister, now a young girl, and protect her from his former allies.

Spoiler

Name: Alice

Gender: Female

General: Sol, General of Light and Peace

Details: The princess of the elven city Yordial, she is a very strange girl, who, after trying to arrest the heroes, joins them after they prove their innocence. She seems to have some kind of multiple personality disorder, sometime stubborn, aggressive, and assertive, and other times shy, calm, and quiet. She has some kind of secret that she refuses to tell the rest of the party.

Her secret is the fact that she harbors inside of her, the soul of her brother, the prince. He was nearly killed in a battle, but, Alice used a powerful magic to separate him into two parts, his mind and soul, and his body. While his body recovered, she protected his soul, but he doesn't like to just stay still, so, every now and then, Alice lets him borrow her body to use until he can be returned to his own body.

Spoiler

Name: Rita

Gender: Female

General: Luna, General of Darkness and Vengeance

Details: A thief from a far away land, she is a Robin Hood-like person, stealing from the corrupt and giving to the needy. She was eventually caught however, and was sentenced to exile, in a land that her people believed was uninhabited. But, in reality, it is the homeland of our heroes and the setting of our story. She sees joining the party as a way to once again help people in need (and maybe get some treasure out of it too).

Any criticism will be appreciated, just don't outright insult me with comments like "YOUR A HORRIBLE CHARACTER DESIGNER AND SMELL LIKE A HIPPO'S BUTT!". That would make me have to feed you to the goresnaps.

 

[kingmakerspider]

@ luminous warrior: I really think you're prepped to hit a home run with Mark and his sister's bios there!

I'd like a little feedback on one of the main characters in my game...

The game is a magic ridden fantasy adventure RPG, and takes place on an Island that has been cursed with an everlasting storm.

Below is a blurb about him... with each spoiler, a little more is revealed... and not all of this knowledge is given at or near the beginning of the game.

The character: Alexander, is a 29 year old man living just outside of the village of Janlyn. He is quiet, and even tempered when off the battlefield. He is not really known to be the friendly type. He longs for a reason or a fight pure enough and important enough for him to defend. Just before the opening of the game, Alexander has lost his memory, and is searching for any clue as to who he is...

Spoiler

He used to be a town guard, but after several outlaws attacked him in his home, causing the loss of his left eye, he dropped from the ranks.Soon thereafter his aging father passed on, and rather than live in his father's house, retreated to the woods nearby to live off the land in seclusion. Now, because of his past, he is reluctant to get involved anymore. He only resorted to helping his fellow villagers again when the most recent adventuring party attempted to find out the truth behind the storms plaguing the countryside. It is on this journey that Alexander woke up alone, and without memory of the events prior.

After he returns to town, to the only people who know him, they are all surprised to find out how much his personality has changed. He seems more friendly, and although not more outgoing-- just more willing to help others. It was almost as if the loss of his memory had changed him as a person, perhaps resetting his ability to trust and to care about others...

THIS SPOILER AND ANY BELOW IT ARE MORE SERIOUS SPOILERS, ONLY READ IF YOU ARE OKAY WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF ACTUALLY DOING SO. 8P

Spoiler

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MYSTERIOUS VOYAGE:Alexander and his travelling party were searching for a magic artifact that they were told held the secrets that would rid the island of this storm once and for all. They were given a magic device that would locate the artifact if they were close enough to it. After eventually finding it in a cavern in the cliffs, something changed Alexander, and he snapped. Following arcane instruction in his head, he killed the others in the travelling party and even though he fought the actions with all his might, his willpower was only enough to cause him to drop the artifact the magic was coming from, shattering it on the ground. And because his spirit and mind were flowing through it at the time, he lost his sanity. And like a creature of the woods, he panicked and sprinted for daylight, weaving his way back out the tunnels, to a cliffside opening where he stopped. The mysterious being controlling the artifact saw his last chances for his diabolical plan fading with the loss of his puppet's sanity... noticed another clinging to life in the cavern. A man who's body was now useless and yet his spirit fought on. This gave him another plan... and switched the spirit and mind of Alexander with the spirit of that dying man... sacrificing the warped sanity of Alexander into the worthless scrap of flesh that remained in the caverns. The swap triggered the memory to be erased, and the unconscious Alexander fell to the ground outside... with only minor clues of his identity to piece together.

Sidenote:

Spoiler

The man who's spirit lives on inside of Alexander is the loved one of another main character.... She motivates the party to explore Alexander's memories so that she can find her love... all the while remaining hopeful that her loved one, Tobias, will make it through this alright.