Chungsie's Pen Name Leon Sandcastle

[chungsie]

So I have written stories since first grade, in fact one story I wrote in the first grade impressed the teacher so much she entered it into a writing contest


I did not write really again until I was 18, then I gave it a go about 4 years ago.


Anyways, here is my latest work, unrevised, I wrote it in two hours. The feedback I recieved says it took several readings to fully understand, but one of them stated it was the best thing they had read in a long while.


Buffalo Soldier -First


I plan at least three more chapters for this, and at most 4. I am currently turning the manuscript into a comic book, once I have the first chapter done, I will write out the second, and work on it again from there.

 

[HexMozart88]

This is not revised? Jeez. That's good, compared to the stuff I write. Once you have your comic book, I want to read it. One question though: if Iakahweh is dead, how can he be narrating the first part? Simply because this is narrated in the past tense meaning that it already happened, which doesn't really make sense. 

 

[chungsie]

thanks @HexMozart88. I have like 120 pages to fill, so it will be some time, I'm only done with Page 8. and none of them have color yet.

 

[Alexander Amnell]

   It was an interesting little read, and fairly well written for a first draft (found a few errors, most involving tense but nothing glaring enough to obfuscate the story while reading). I'm not really sure I understand everything that's going on but it's certainly peaked my interest enough that I found myself wishing there was more to read.

 

[ObsidianTrance]

Great to see another writer active. I did notice grammatical errors and a little redundancy. However, this isn't even revised, so that's


not a problem. You have an interesting premise and you lay out the premise nicely, but one thing I found somewhat a problem for me


was by the end. Iakahweh mentions the fact that he will end up in the Pits when he dies and his wife to the Great Lands; what I was


hoping for is to paint how their different ideals made them compatible even though he seems to admit to following orders blind/seeking
only battle and she with a greater vision in mind.
The main thing was when exactly what he said would happen...happened. That's not to say he didn't know the working of their world,


but it seemed the final part of the chapter was given before it came and somewhat struck me as unsurprising or emotional.

Again, I enjoyed the anthropomorphic characters and unique story, I just wanted to point out those things that stood out to me. Take as


grains of salt ^^

 

[chungsie]

@ObsidianTrance perhaps this page helps? https://1drv.ms/i/s!AmSZutMnfS3TizLGHoXl0bhYaIEA


She doesn't really take the stage until later chapters, and even still I plan on some offshoot chapters for the comic (such as an origins for both characters, as well as the origins for their spears).


The others mentioned the ending seemed a let down, even if you take the entire story in metaphorically. Not sure how to fix that, but it does something I need to have happen for the second chapter, so maybe it will make more sense by then.


@Alexander Amnell thank you kindly

 

[HexMozart88]

I am rather curious to see where the story goes if the main character dies in the first chapter. And as the others have said, there are some grammar issues as well as some somewhat overused lines, but having said that, it usually takes me at least one revision to get to that point. People are always getting mad at me because I don't want them reading my stuff, so I tell them "I'm sorry. My stuff is garbage and I don't feel comfortable sharing it." I commend you greatly for being able to share your work.  

 

[chungsie]

The idea I had in mind, is something regarding the Ziz, and it's meaning as a mythological creature, which explains the ending perhaps.


It would be something that does give light to a few issues I could not address in the word length limit I set for myself. Not to say I will contradict myself or anything, but when I analyze the story I'm envisioning, it seems biblically metaphorical. which is something I hope to make extremely negligible.