Depends on what you need help with. Do you feel the poem has to be shortened to get the feeling across? Do you need help with the word choice or rythm? I don´t think anything need to be added, it is a good poem for what it sets out to convey. Can you put into words why you are currently unhappy with it?
It doesn't need to be a poem exactly. The above passage would work very nicely as prose. I don't really understand my poet friends but they like their stuff to be less realistic, more abstract and symbolic, less narrative, with less grammatical structure. Maybe you're fitting this into the wrong genre? You have a sense of rhythm, but remember that's a great talent in prose as well as poetry!
well actually you are both wrong, you two do not know anything about rhyming and poems, you NEED rhyming in your poems it can be names or something, and second it has to sound like it does you could you a different word that sounds the same as the other,
example: my name is john i went to the shop, i had a pop then a flop, the person said"do you need any help?" i said"kelp" I stand for a demand, he gave me some food I got better mood. also i can give you another example:
when you ryhme you think of any word like dad and take away the 1st letter and replace with any other for it to ryhme:dad bad cad lad had mad nad clad flad drad trad pad