DeadCrescendo

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I know that's a super cheesy title, but hey. :p

I had recently divorced from my wife of 3 years, with a 1 year old girl in my arms and staying in a tiny box of a room in my parent's house, I fell into a deep depression.

Unable to hold down a job due to my frequent drinking, I constantly was broke and unable to function my duties as a father should. I was at home with my little girl all the time but was short tempered, cruel, and on a constant buzz.

I drank a minimum of a fifth of gin or whiskey a day. I spent money on food for her, but didn't eat, myself. That would deduct from my booze money and I figured I was getting calories for the most part.

The cold of Michigan winters wasn't the only problem, my family began to distrust and even despise me. I had no focus anymore, nothing to do but drink and apply for jobs, I'd show up for interviews in a suit, looking completely professional - but my face was marred by gin blossoms, black eyes from bar fights, my teeth stained with sour mix or red wine. My sweat reeking of ethanol, my sunken and sullen expression a billboard for the dangers of too much Wild Turkey.

Any attempts to quit were met with sudden and painful withdrawal symptoms, I developed delirium tremens and extremely bad insomnia, I also began chain smoking at this time.

I brought up Steam one day to see what I had to play after another failed interview at an ad firm. Found RPG Maker VX Ace. Something I had started doing with my ex wife was loaded into the program already, so I tinkered a bit. And found my zen.

Whenever I had down time and wanted to get drunk, I would just...play with RPG Maker. I wasn't really MAKING anything. Just practicing the basics, coming up with little ideas.

I'm in recovery now for about 2 months, and can drink just a couple drinks here and there. I'm back in the employment market and still use RPG Maker when I need to resist the strongest urges (Of course I also use it to you know, make games.)

I wanna thank the community here for the great resources they've made available (Especially Thalzon, who actually created every single monster I plan on using in my sci-fi game. Because holy crap they're awesome.) and just wanted to say that if anyone here is struggling with addiction or just needs someone to talk them through some rough times...Go ahead and shoot me a PM.

Lame first post I'm sure, but had to get it out. :) Cheers. BD
 

mlogan

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Not a lame post at all! Thank you for sharing your story. It's great to hear that you are on your way to recovery. Hang in there, I'm sure it won't be an easy road. Welcome!
 

Hahn Deathspark

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Well I sorta passed by and heck, it's never a lame story. We're humans, no such thing as something too weird in my opinion.

Guess I'll share my story on RPG Maker on how I met it and my struggles with it. (It's long, yikes >w<)

Back when I was 12, I was drawing stickman comics. Well, some crappy old bullscrap where nobody would read. I suck at drawing obviously, but all I'm good at is drawing weapons. It wasn't much. Knowing I was horrid at drawing, I saw my friend taking up writing. Realizing that it's an alternative way to share my story, I decided to write as well. But I have a problem...

The way I write is something only I understand, not for anyone to understand. I was a little bummed and I asked myself, "How do I picture something the way I want it to?" and I thought about game making. Of course, game making has been considered almost impossible to my immature mind back then, when I was 13 at December. It was 2pm midnight, I was half drunk and I was simply browsing through game makers, then I stumbled upon RPG Maker.

At first, I tried the trial version and as a freshman, I had no idea what in the oblivion I was doing. Believe me, I was so lost, I was like "HOW DO I EVEN MAP?!" and so I began looking for tutorials. It was only a trial version, so it had limited features. But there is something Malaysians love to do and you guys may hate me for this.

I pirated the RPG Maker to learn more. I needed to learn deeper and I know even if I purchase the software from a shop, it's still a pirated copy because in Malaysia, selling pirated copies of software is business. Finding the original is a rarity. I did this secretly to learn and I started to catch up real quick. Then, when I purposely did not eat in recess in school for 4 months, I finally collected enough money for it. (Our currency is a little low, so we do need more money...) Then, I purchased the RPG Maker on Steam.

I was in another forums back then, I liked it until when someone called me trash for pirating RPG Maker at the first place. I was sad and angry because I had no choice. I was in a deadlock state and if I were to seriously buy it without knowing what I can do with it, my parents will blow me away. In fact, they didn't even want me to buy it at the first place! I needed to use my birthday as a reason to buy it. I was THAT desperate.

Then, that is when I came here, the RPG Maker forums. The reason I didn't come here at the first place was because I had a pirated copy. I feel bad for it and I wanted to buy it so when I come here, I feel nothing. It's a story I didn't tell many, but here it is, Deathspark the pirate, what a title 0_0; But it changed my life, that's for sure.

Back then, I said "I'll be an engineer!" because, typical Asian parents, if you're not going to be something related to science, you are not smart. But when I saw the potential in the game market and in addition to the fact I love games so much and I discovered how game making works thanks to RPG Maker, my dream changed to "I want to be a game developer!".

What can you expect from Asian parents? They bombed me. They said it's not worth it and useless, which is why they disagreed to let me buy it, which forced me to pirate it. They also added that Malaysia has no hope for game development. It kind of makes me sad but the fact that now I have the engine, I wanted to prove my parents I can do something with it, and it's not a waste of my time!
I've spent 205 hours on the RPG Maker, and I still like it. Yes, I pirated it before, but I always leave the trash to burn to dust. If any of you would hate me for pirating, I'm sorry, but that's how my story goes. DeadCrescendo, just remember. Deathspark also suffered a lot. Deathspark has cried a lot, real tears in the process. But what brought me here today was pure perseverance and a never ending will to fight. My parents won't stop me from my dream. My friends who insult at my games will not even hinder my dreams. You are never the only one suffering, we all do in our own ways. There is never a single person without troubles, because we are never perfect. 

Sorry admins, I pirated the RPG Maker back then, but I bought it now. It's legitimate now. Don't kill me >w<;
 

Silent Darkness

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I'm glad this program helped you find what's right in life, ma'am.

EDIT: Also, welcome to the forums.
 
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Susan

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Sorry to hear about what happened to you, and I hope everything will turn out better for you soon.

It's good that you found something to keep your mind off your troubles.

I hope you will spend more time with this community as they are really very nice people (yes, even the admins).

Let's do our best to help each other and don't be afraid to ask questions here! ^^

Hope to see you around more, and wishing you the best!
 

Touchfuzzy

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Happy to hear you are on your way to recovery! I'm glad you found an outlet in RPG Maker to help you cope with your problems.
 

Cluly

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Rough ride man. Kids are hard work, especially on your own, I know. Keep at it, stay focused ... Only good will come of it.
 

JosephSeraph

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W-whoa guys. I don't normally expect threads in rpg maker forums to make me cry. Normally they make me cringe my teeth due to stupid game design decisions. >_>

Uh-oh. I relate a lot to you guys... Those are powerful stories. Your life. RPG Maker, a portal to the throne room of our own inner selves.

I, too, have much to thank to you. I'm 20, now. Back then I was 9, or 10. My first contact with RPG Maker being in the ps1. After that, RPG Maker 95. I had a pretty ****ty childhood, but I had amazing times trying to make games about my friends. Those were always funny... And it helped me. Helped me feeling I wasn't some worthless scum bucket, or whatever. I could create amazing things. I can create amazing things. Things that can be created by me, and me alone. My friends would always judge me. I was girly, fragile, too nice. Too cheery, too naive, inoccent. No one was friends with me. But... I knew I was more than that. I had the ability to craft my dreams into reality.

1509798_537614249667932_1554840197_n_by_josephseraph-d6zo2w1.png


I was 11 or 12 when I made the piece to the left. The one to the right was done on December 2013. That's a lot of progress. And I keep with it. Because I know I can create what I want. Nowdays I know I don't need the RPG Maker engine, but it's part of me already. I'm now an English teacher and guess where did I learn my English? It was a mixture of RPG Maker forums and playing old JRPGs. Nowdays, people don't care much more about me than they did back then or so I think but I do.

Because I know what my hands can create. Now I can compose, sing, draw, create games, do whatever the hell I want! There's nothing to stop me. No neglectful parents, stupid colleagues who don't give a **** about you, nothing. I'm free, I know what I can do. And RPG maker has played a pivotal part of this process. In the last 10+ years. :o

So I have a lot to thank too! I don't want to bdrag too much with particular details, but I have a lot to thank.

But anyway... If you need help or any kind of support.. I'm here! ^-^

w2p1vPb.png
 
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DeadCrescendo

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There are some really good people here. I'm happy my little thread helped some people open up. :)
 

MisterTorgue

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Sorry to hear, but nice to know the game is helping you :)

Can always create small games for your lil' girl as well!! :)
 

whitesphere

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@JosephSeraph

I was the same way when I was a teenager, and got picked on for it.  The problem is that society expects boys and girls to look and act very specific ways.  Anyone whose true nature veers from that gets pressured in various ways to try to "fit in."  The Rudolph Christmas special (the old 1968 one) is all about finding your own place despite not fitting in to what society expects of you, and seems appropriate at this near Christmas time of year.

I know it's difficult now, but someday you'll be away from those type of people and will find actual true friends, good people who love you as you are.  It just sucks when you don't fit in when fitting in is everything. :p

As to the OP, I know what you mean.  Video games can make a huge difference when we have a personal crisis.  When I lost my job (over 10 years ago), the one thing that kept me somewhat focused on the real world was the Gamecube game Animal Crossing.  Because it used a real time clock, it keeps you from detaching too much from reality even though it itself was a unique reality.  I found a new job 6 months or so afterwards and have been there since.

How I found RPG Maker?  If I remember right, I was poking around Steam for RPGs and saw this "RPG Maker" thing.  It looked interesting, so I downloaded the free trial and liked how easy it was to use, so I bought it.  I love the huge variety of resources available for it, and of course the community seems filled with good people which is nice. :)
 

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