I have made a complete mess of my life and I feel horrible :(

[Blinn]

 ​

I'll be honest, I feel like taking a gun and shooting every one of my creative endeavors in the head. I don't want to think about them anymore, I'm not happy with my work, and it's bringing continuous frustration and problems.

And I've just realized I'm giving all my money away to people on Twitch I don't even know to make me feel better. It's not working, and I feel my prayers are going no higher than my head. So long everybody, it's been a fun ride, but I've had enough of RPG Maker and I want out. I just hope you guys have more fun on your games than I did.

EDIT: It's grief...it's not my projects that are causing me to feel like this. It's something much deeper. It's grief, anxiety, guilt, and frustration from a multitude of things. I feel trapped in my own house, wondering if I'll still be like this at age 40.

 

[Milennin]

You just need a healthy dose of TTGL:




And then some more:

 

[Blinn]

Grief is something you do not want to struggle with...

 

[Gui]

Aww, come on, man, you can't say that for your first attempt: we all need to begin somewhere and this beginning rarely is satisfying, but your next step will be better if you put strong efforts into it!

And, frankly, don't you think that, maybe, you're too much hard with yourself? Maybe lowering your expectations would help you to find the strength to finish something: that would be a first step.

Keep it up!

 

[Blinn]

Aww, come on, man, you can't say that for your first attempt: we all need to begin somewhere and this beginning rarely is satisfying, but your next step will be better if you put strong efforts into it!

And, frankly, don't you think that, maybe, you're too much hard with yourself? Maybe lowering your expectations would help you to find the strength to finish something: that would be a first step.

Keep it up!

I'm not actually being too hard on myself. Actually, it's chronic feelings of grief and anxiety and I have no idea why I'm feeling this way. I'm losing my appetite, and my sleep schedule is lop-sided. I can't stop crying sometimes and it hits me hardest when I look at my life and feel like I've wasted the last 5 years. I'm never getting those 5 years back and I'm frustrated.

It's not just my emotions that hurt, either. I have no energy or drive left in me, and I often miss the morning sun because I wake up at noon to make up for my lack of sleep. Even my finances are crippled. I earn $70 a month from the best skill I have, sound design, and it's gone within a few days. I've been doing sound effects commercially for 3 years and I often have this question in the back of my mind:

"Is this all I'm worth?"

Sound design is the only skill I have that brings me any money, and I feel seriously devalued and worthless for all the work I put into it. Listen to my sounds and tell me my feelings aren't justified.

 

[Makio-Kuta]

Being upset with your own creative processes is an absolute nightmare and a horrid feeling. I have been there and it sucks. No amount of forcing yourself when you feel like that is going to help. Take a step away from things, try some new things, put that creative energy that you have and give it something new to think about and puddle around in. Perhaps you will find something better suited to you, or perhaps that break is what you needed to return to the things you left.

When you feel that way though, random encouragement from others is not often enough to help you over it. Take the break you need, whether it be permanent or temporary, and I hope you feel better about things soon. Make the best decisions for your personal happiness. Take care of yourself, Blinn.

I hope we see you back here in the future. But know that anyone who has hit that point of being down on their own work will respect your decision if you step away from RPGmaker for good.

A creative person will always be a creative person - I hope you climb out of this with a fresh perspective on where you want your creativity to go.

Best of luck, Blinn. I'm cheering you on from the sidelines. *lots of big hugs*

 

[Blinn]

I just recently donated $50 to a Twitch streamer I liked. I thought I'd feel better about myself, knowing I've helped someone who's struggling. Instead, I'm cold-stoney broke and I feel stupid, since that was all I had.

 

[CrazyCrab]

Eh, I'm sorry but I've got to say that I've seen this coming, you've just been so harsh on yourself that it had to happen.

I know how you feel, I'm a perfectionist ''OCD'' freak myself when it comes to making things. Every single space needs to be in place, a single pixel can drive me crazy. Big / Small letters? Rewrite the whole thing and make sure that everything matches. There was a time when I couldn't get anything done in a reasonable amount of time simply because I obsessed over the smallest thing.  I'll be brutal here, as being brutal to me helped me. You have to learn to not give a damn. Just not care and realize that you are not perfect - nobody is. 

A couple of moths ago I was struggling with some kind of depression myself I guess, as I could not see the point in anything. I'd wake up in the morning knowing that I have a course in an hour and just go back to sleep, thinking that ''eh, it actually doesn't matter if I'm there or not. It's not like anyone will miss me''. Hell, even now I have no clue what I'm going to do next. I'll have to change universities and there is a chance I just wasted 3 years of my life as well, but you know what? I don't care. Things just work out in the end, as long as you change.

Change is the key to everything. You don't like something? Change it. You're not powerless, you're actually more capable than you think you are. I've abandoned everything close to me 3 times now and I'm only 22. Yeah, I had friends there. So what? I have friends here. In a couple of months I'm moving to England to do some ''temporary'' course, even though I know that I'll stay there. Yep, I'll abandon everything again, just for that sweet, sweet change. I mean my family's on Skype and I get to see them every once in a while, so that helps, but at the end of the day I'll have to learn everything again - a new city, a new bank, new friends, new everything. And I love it, it just keeps me going - as I learn about the world, I learn about myself. 

I assure you that I'm not some special creature that is the only one capable of changing - I bet that you can do whatever you want as well, you just don't believe in yourself. You say that you're just worth that and that... it's not true. Hell, from what I see English is your first language - that is a great feat, even if you don't see it as one. If you'll go to some other country like France or Germany you can make a lot of money just because of that, as a secretary or an international adviser or something. You know how to make SFX, hell that's impressive to me no mater the quality - I don't even know what program I'd use.   I'm sure that you can do a lot of other things too.

In the end I can only give you a couple tips, it's all really up to you. Nobody can solve your problems or force a solution on you.

- Don't be afraid of change. As long as you're alive, nothing else matters - you have enough time to learn and do whatever you want. Hell, I assume that you're younger than 25. If so, then you've only ''really'' lived for like what, 5-7 years? Before that you were just doing things that others expected you to. You've got a LOT of time.

- If your project is not working out for you, abandon it. There is no point n continuing something that you don't care about anymore. I assure you that a better project will show up one day - once a creator, always a creator. There is no running away from it.

- Don't try to solve your problems by solving the problems of others. You're not a Paladin in Dungeons and Dragons, even if it feels good for a while there won't be any EXP of Gold at the end. Sure, it's nice to help others, but you've got your own problems to take care of. Giving away money on Twitch won't change anything, except for the fact that you won't have any money. 

Man, it's like I've got carried away again. Eh. Anyway, don't think that nobody cares about you. Change, improve, believe in yourself. There are no Game Overs in real life.

 

[Blinn]

Eh, I'm sorry but I've got to say that I've seen this coming, you've just been so harsh on yourself that it had to happen.

I know how you feel, I'm a perfectionist ''OCD'' freak myself when it comes to making things. Every single space needs to be in place, a single pixel can drive me crazy. Big / Small letters? Rewrite the whole thing and make sure that everything matches. There was a time when I couldn't get anything done in a reasonable amount of time simply because I obsessed over the smallest thing.  I'll be brutal here, as being brutal to me helped me. You have to learn to not give a damn. Just not care and realize that you are not perfect - nobody is. 

A couple of moths ago I was struggling with some kind of depression myself I guess, as I could not see the point in anything. I'd wake up in the morning knowing that I have a course in an hour and just go back to sleep, thinking that ''eh, it actually doesn't matter if I'm there or not. It's not like anyone will miss me''. Hell, even now I have no clue what I'm going to do next. I'll have to change universities and there is a chance I just wasted 3 years of my life as well, but you know what? I don't care. Things just work out in the end, as long as you change.

Change is the key to everything. You don't like something? Change it. You're not powerless, you're actually more capable than you think you are. I've abandoned everything close to me 3 times now and I'm only 22. Yeah, I had friends there. So what? I have friends here. In a couple of months I'm moving to England to do some ''temporary'' course, even though I know that I'll stay there. Yep, I'll abandon everything again, just for that sweet, sweet change. I mean my family's on Skype and I get to see them every once in a while, so that helps, but at the end of the day I'll have to learn everything again - a new city, a new bank, new friends, new everything. And I love it, it just keeps me going - as I learn about the world, I learn about myself. 

I assure you that I'm not some special creature that is the only one capable of changing - I bet that you can do whatever you want as well, you just don't believe in yourself. You say that you're just worth that and that... it's not true. Hell, from what I see English is your first language - that is a great feat, even if you don't see it as one. If you'll go to some other country like France or Germany you can make a lot of money just because of that, as a secretary or an international adviser or something. You know how to make SFX, hell that's impressive to me no mater the quality - I don't even know what program I'd use.   I'm sure that you can do a lot of other things too.

In the end I can only give you a couple tips, it's all really up to you. Nobody can solve your problems or force a solution on you.

- Don't be afraid of change. As long as you're alive, nothing else matters - you have enough time to learn and do whatever you want. Hell, I assume that you're younger than 25. If so, then you've only ''really'' lived for like what, 5-7 years? Before that you were just doing things that others expected you to. You've got a LOT of time.

- If your project is not working out for you, abandon it. There is no point n continuing something that you don't care about anymore. I assure you that a better project will show up one day - once a creator, always a creator. There is no running away from it.

- Don't try to solve your problems by solving the problems of others. You're not a Paladin in Dungeons and Dragons, even if it feels good for a while there won't be any EXP of Gold at the end. Sure, it's nice to help others, but you've got your own problems to take care of. Giving away money on Twitch won't change anything, except for the fact that you won't have any money. 

Man, it's like I've got carried away again. Eh. Anyway, don't think that nobody cares about you. Change, improve, believe in yourself. There are no Game Overs in real life.

I needed that. I appreciate your honestly. I really do want to change, I just didn't know what. I'm 22 years old, so I'm pretty young still. I think I'll just take a break from everything and come back once I'm able to handle the ups and downs again. For now, I need to root myself in something.

 

[Makio-Kuta]

Are you in any sort of education field that gives you access to free counseling of some sort? (I think a few post secondary education type facilities offer that kind of service for students) It might not hurt to talk to someone who is trained to assist with those sorts of feelings. Be it for career guidance or to talk about your anxiety and grief. (Unfortunately, that sort of assistance costs money in most places. Annoyingly - considering those feelings can make it hard to earn the money needed.)

Be it creative stuff or life though, it still doesn't hurt to take a step away from things and re-evaluate and try to find a fresh place to think from.

Crazy-Crab said some really good stuff there in better words than I ever could. Change is indeed very possible, very important, and very powerful.

 

[Blinn]

Are you in any sort of education field that gives you access to free counseling of some sort? (I think a few post secondary education type facilities offer that kind of service for students) It might not hurt to talk to someone who is trained to assist with those sorts of feelings. Be it for career guidance or to talk about your anxiety and grief. (Unfortunately, that sort of assistance costs money in most places. Annoyingly - considering those feelings can make it hard to earn the money needed.)

Be it creative stuff or life though, it still doesn't hurt to take a step away from things and re-evaluate and try to find a fresh place to think from.

I don't, unfortunately.

 

[Kes]

Everything that I would have wanted to say has been said by others, except for one thing that they aren't in a position to say.  You think your skills are rubbish, non-existent.  That SE you did for me was excellent, so no, I don't agree with your self assessment there.  You do have creativity, I have heard the evidence.

 

[odinnightowl]

counseling and things of that sort are generally offered for free if one is to admit themselves to certain institutes.

 

[Celianna]

Sorry for your troubles, but RMW is not the place to talk about this. Please find professional help.


Closed.