I like to talk about a movie I saw recently. Spoilers. A stupid, confusing, unoriginal movie called...

Tanarex

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Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. I'm not even going to bring up the armadillo looking rat creatures that poop magic marbles. Or the womanizer who harasses his partner and yet is still super boring. Or the 'tough' partner who puts up with it. As she personally drags women's rights back to the 1800s. While both 'romantic' lead characters have as much chemistry as say a doornail and another doornail. Or the surprise twists that you see coming a mile away. Or the plotlines from other sci-fi movies thrown in like you wouldn't notice. Or the mind-boggling stupid reason the extermination of an entire race is necessary to save face. Or that somehow no one in the universe noticed a giant planet missing. Or that the whole cover-up involved shooting one guy. And ignoring everyone on that ship and on all the other ships that witnessed it. Or why a galactic battle was fought over an inhabited planet that had zero strategic value at all and could only result in unnecessary collateral damage. Or how Valerian (in his super suit) crashes through a bunch of different walls (Like he is the Koolaid Man) separating entirely different atmospheres and has no effect on anything. Including an underwater area. Or about a 100 other things that made no sense.
None of that. No, this will be about the inhabitants on the planet Mul. The skinny, balded headed spear-carrying tribal people that all look like they are in the final stage of cancer treatment. They are primitive innocent treehuggers living in giant seashells. Where they spend their days frolicking and collecting these magic pearls that apparently they use solely as a skin moisturizer. When suddenly starships start falling from the sky. Usually, if primitive people saw this they'd be screaming their heads off and running in all directions. Prolly thinking the Gods are angry at us. Or Gods are dying. Something God related. Instead, they look a little startled. Then everyone in the tribe but the chieftain's daughter decides to explore one of the fallen ships. It is revealed later on that the ship was torn in half, had no power and apparently not only didn't it have any survivors but no one on it at all. You expect to see bodies everywhere. Then they all run back outside when they see and hear a mothership crashing not too far away. The mothership explodes outward like a giant fireball and the primitive run back inside and closes the hatch. Now, these people never invented doors. I checked. How they figured out how a hatch worked in under a minute is beyond me. So after accidentally breaking off the handle of the hatch, they discover the princess or whatever is trapped outside. Oppps. Do you know where your kids are at the end of the world? She dies and explodes like a shockwave next to the ship. The ship is completely fine. Then the fireball hits the ship that was broken in half. The ship is completely fine. Unless the ship was airtight everywhere they would have all burned to death. Then their planet explodes and you guessed it the ship (that is still on the planet) is still completely fine. Somehow these people figure out how to repair a spaceship even though they hadn't even invented the wheel. Also checked. The mother retelling the story says they learned technology, philosophy, etc. How? Who knows. I doubt they could even understand the language on the ship even if they got it working. So a space ship that got shot down by lasers is able to survive a planet exploding or just becoming a lifeless rock. Not sure which. Then somehow end up with advanced weaponry and take down a bunch of trained military personal with no problems. So none of that made any sense.
 

withypatch2

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Totally agree, the movie was completely pointless to me, thats two hours of my life i'll never get back :rolleyes:.
 

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It's just a fairy tale in space, this movie is good in its cinematics and pictures, but its plot was very simple and predictive.
 

Andar

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I haven't seen the movie myself, but I've read enough about it to know where the real problem came from and why it was especially bad to understand for americans.

"Valerian" comes from a rather big setting in comics that is almost completely unknown in america and often only known to a minority in most eutopean countries. We're talking about 20+ graphic novels here, and most of that is a rather strange but in itself congruent setting.
And appearantly the movie writers tried to use that setting while making sense to someone who never heard of it.

And that never works when going that far off regular stories - you can either introduce a setting (which means you need to build it up slowly) or use it as it is (which would have reduced interest to those who already know it).
 

Tanarex

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@Andar The problem wasn't that I didn't understand it. I understood all the Star Wars just fine. And that had space wizards in it. And I heard Star Wars was kinda based on this. I've seen movies from other countries as well. This one just didn't make sense logically. It didn't seem like they were trying to cram 30 years of lore into a single movie as they did with the Warcraft movie.
I watched CinemaSins after writing my rant and he only brought up 5 of my complaints. But he glossed over most of the sins as the sin count climbed. The CineermaSins of my review of this movie would have been longer than the movie itself. Like if they only had advanced space-traveling races on this station why did they have those giant primitive troll creatures that kidnapped Laurline there? That apparently liked to eat humans. How did they get there? Did some other race bring them? And why? What would be the point?
 
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watermark

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I liked this movie mainly because I went in expecting it to be a popcorn no brainer flick. I didn't expect anything from plot or character, so had a good time looking at all the rather nice effects.

I do agree that it has a terrible plot since I can't remember a darn thing about the story now.
 

Tanarex

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Well, it was definitely a no brainer flick. It had such huge plotholes you could fly a mothership through it.
 

Benny Jackdaw

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for all of its flaws, at least the movie tried to be original, and I would rather watch that than Jupiter Ascending or any of the Independence Day movies.
 

Tanarex

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Well, you have Lihö-Minaa sending telepathic messages after her death like all the dead Jedi in Star Wars. You have a big, fat, ugly alien (Jaba the Hut/Igon Siruss) crime boss who runs a smuggling ring. Where the good guys have to sneak in to free someone (Solo/Mül converter). There is also a planet (Alderaan/Mül) that blows up due to a superweapon. There is also a summit, where a bunch of different alien races(Jedi Council) talks about how to stop an enemy force. Followed by a character getting immobilized (Solo/Filitt ) and kidnapped. Also, the hero had to fight and cleverly kill a giant monster (Rancer/Megaptor). They also had to flee an even bigger monster (Bromosaur/Exogorth) while on a ship. Heroe(s) get kidnapped by a primitive tribe after falling for an obvious trap and were planning on eating them. And refugees from a destroyed planet (Mul/Titan A.E.) have to find some MacGuffin to recreate their world. But besides that completely original.


 

Benny Jackdaw

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Well, you have Lihö-Minaa sending telepathic messages after her death like all the dead Jedi in Star Wars. You have a big, fat, ugly alien (Jaba the Hut/Igon Siruss) crime boss who runs a smuggling ring. Where the good guys have to sneak in to free someone (Solo/Mül converter). There is also a planet (Alderaan/Mül) that blows up due to a superweapon. There is also a summit, where a bunch of different alien races(Jedi Council) talks about how to stop an enemy force. Followed by a character getting immobilized (Solo/Filitt ) and kidnapped. Also, the hero had to fight and cleverly kill a giant monster (Rancer/Megaptor). They also had to flee an even bigger monster (Bromosaur/Exogorth) while on a ship. Heroe(s) get kidnapped by a primitive tribe after falling for an obvious trap and were planning on eating them. And refugees from a destroyed planet (Mul/Titan A.E.) have to find some MacGuffin to recreate their world. But besides that completely original.
so it rips off just Star Wars as opposed to Independence Day, which rips off every Alien Invasion story ever. if anything, what I appreciated about Valerian was that the alien races weren't all just evil and trying to take over the Earth, which might be my big problem with most franchises that have aliens in them.

and if we are being technical, the movie valerian is based off a comic series that predates Star Wars by about a decade. not sure how close to the comics that the movie follows, but if it follows a story that was made sometime before May of 1977, then the claim that it rips off Star Wars is not only untrue, but reversible.
 
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Tanarex

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Recent movies involving aliens included Capt Marvel. That had good and bad aliens. The Skrull, however, in the comics were actually the evil ones. Then there was MIB International. Good and bad aliens. And of course, Star Wars has good and bad aliens.
The movie isn't based on any plotline from the stories. Besides the names of the main characters and a few aliens, there doesn't seem to be anything original. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valérian_and_Laureline You can read all that but I'll sum it up for you. Valérian and Laureline are time-traveling government agents. From complete different time periods. Which has pretty much nothing to do with the movie. There is the princess that sends a message through time and space but has nothing to do with them being time travelers. It is inspired by the comics but the plotline is new. Which means the entire storyline is new and sadly very unoriginal. With plotholes so big you could fly a mothership through them. So all that is on them.
There is a comic called Empire of a Thousand Planets. Which still has nothing to do with the movie.
 

Benny Jackdaw

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In that case, I guess it is pretty unoriginal, but I still take it over Jupiter ascending or Independence Day.
 

Tanarex

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Independence Day sky-rocketed Smith to blockbuster action-hero status. Then it was pretty much downhill from there. It was pretty unoriginal as well. A whole updated version of War of the Worlds. But still better than Valerian. Jupiter Ascending has such poor reviews I'm not even gonna watch it. If Mila Kunis knew how bad this movie would be she'd rather have been cleaning toilets instead.
 

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