I need help, and curious as to what are some of the struggles you go through in your lives?

[DestinyBattle]

I'm generally interested, so I'll start off with mine.

I feel misunderstood to all hell. I am a very passionate person. Everything I do, is with enthusiasm and with power. My "real" personality is one of being happy and once again; passionate, fully enjoying life. But when other people, misunderstand that for being "fake" or "distracting" myself from the real world, it pains me, gets me angry, gets me yearning for their approval (even though, I feel as if though I don't need it). So, by doing that, I change my personality to a stoic, uninterested, quiet person.

Now, this is not the real me at all. And a part of me yearns to be that type of person, but I always seem to relapse into my "true" personality (above). So you see emerging a constant cycle of:

Being the "true" me > Getting misunderstood > Being the "fake, but I want to be this personality" me > relapsing back to the "true" me > Getting misunderstood > Being the "fake...", you get what I mean. Over and over and over again.

I'm stuck, and I need help.

 

[mlogan]

Coming from a place of having lived a few years more than you (in other words, an "old" - or older at least - person's wisdom):

One thing I've learned to make peace with, is that not everyone you meet, will you "click" with. I would guarantee you know exactly what I mean by "click" - those people that seem to "get" you.

I've found that there are generally three types of people: 1) Those that you instantly "click" with - they just get you right from the start, there is a great connection. Unfortunately, these people in life are not the most common. I don't think I really had any of these relationships until I was in college. And on occasion, I still meet someone like this, but it is rare. 2) People that you don't instantly "click" with, but can grow into a friendship/relationship with. You probably get along from the start, just not that "instant friend" feeling. These can still be great friendships, they just take more time. 3) People you'll never really get along with. These don't have to be enemies necessarily, but will be people you will come to realize will never really appreciate the true you.

All that said, I've learned to make peace with the #3's. I've learned to let go the fact that no matter how much I might want to impress them, I won't and that's okay. I will be polite when I have to interact with them, but I will let go of the longing to have more a friendship and yes, I will guard myself around them. I think of it this way - I'm not fake about the parts of myself I show them, I just don't show them everything, if that makes sense? And that's okay. It makes me appreciate the #2's, whom I can be comfortable around, and especially the #1's - those people whom I can completely let my guard down and show "all of me".

I hope that helps some, and that you can make peace with the #3's in your life, and find the #1s and #2's.

 

[Dickjutsu]

I know it sounds oversimplified, but the tried and true: Don't worry about what other people think.

Of course its never that simple, it's the same thing as when people who have never been punched in the back of the head tell you to turn around and walk away from someone who wants to fight you.

But your best bet is just to work on coming to terms with how you are, truly. It's never healthy to pretend to someone or something you're not.
You're naturally happy, so rock the hell out of that happiness. Everyone judges you on it because they're not happy and they're jealous of your happiness. But here's the thing...being around happy people is infectious. So by being happy in their presence and actually improve *their* lives. So do them a favor and, in a totally non-condescending way, be the happiest and cheeriest you can be every day. =D

 

[10kk]

in addition to what mlogan said, the problem is you're changing yourself for others approval.
You need confidence in knowing your true self is more important than anything else in the world, because it's who you really are.
If people don't want to be your friend or associate with you, that is fine. You will find others who will accept you.

 

[Poryg]

Exactly. Be yourself. If someone thinks you're fake, you won't convince them of being real otherwise... So it's best to develop a resistance against that.
Also, it's not good to become a stoic and uninterested person... That is me exactly. I know I won't achieve anything in life and I don't care about it. I just want to live and die... And I don't mind. I'm unmotivated to push my dreams, the few dreams that I had got shattered one by one anyway. I know I have lots of potential I will never use, because I have no ambitions and nothing... It gets so many people angry... But I just can't really help it. I'm behind the point of no return. I can't even have motivation anymore, except for short term motivations.
Trust me, you don't want that.

 

[DestinyBattle]

Thank you guys, I have gained some good knowledge from this.

 

[Lornsteyn]

Well, If I leave my house, I hide my real self, a stranger doesnt need to know who/how Im.
So people who dont know me, could see me as cold, angry, maybe even dangerous.
But at least they cant exploit my weaknesses.
If people you cant trust know youre real self they will take advantage.
My real me is only for family and friends.

 

[Lantiz]

What's the problem with being distracted from the real world? Real world sux anyways.
That's the reason why most of us enjoy playing games in first place, right?
I don't mind being seen as a mad man as long they don't send me to an asylum. But I'm not that mad... I guess :b

 

[starlight dream]

There's great advice here, and I agree 100% with mlogan's post.

Long story short:
Be yourself. Feel what you feel, when you feel it... Nothing is permanent. Not even our problems. Not even our identity. At this time of your life you have this pull in 2 different directions. But as you discover more of who you are, you'll get more comfortable with the different aspects of your personality. It's unrealistic to expect yourself to be the same all the time. We all fluctuate from silly to serious, depending on the circumstances.

Everything you feel is part of you. Even what you call fake, is an aspect of yourself.
What you're going through (your insecurity) gave you the chance to discover that stoic side of you. I don't think you should fake it, but it's good to see that you have those qualities in you as well. And you can use them at useful moments.

Some people will like parts of you, others will like all of it, and others will like none. It's life, and it can't be controlled.
And it's a good thing, because if everyone on the planet loved you all the time, they'd give you zero alone time, and that would be dreadful (you'd be posting about another problem).
The one thing I've learned about all relationships is: we can't force them. We can adapt, tolerate and respect each other. But we can't force adoring each other. It's like love. There's a natural flow to it.

Long story long:

I think you're holding other people's opinion and intelligence way too highly. There are a lot of people out there, of every age, who can't understand if you're being real or fake. They judge you according to their mistaken view, and you can try pleasing them all you want, but they'll never see you as you truly are.
If they see you happy and call it "fake", it doesn't mean that the rest of the world judges you as they do. So to gain the approval of a few, you wear a mask which makes you suffer, and blocks you from being real with those who will accept you as you are.

On the other hand, it greatly depends on whose approval you're trying to gain and why. I know how you feel and I've done what you're doing. But at a certain point I completely lost myself. I did so many things so someone would love me, and guess what? After a while I realized my efforts led to nothing and my feelings had died away. I didn't care about this person anymore. And I looked back at the life decisions I had made with my "fake" persona to gain this illusionary approval, and I felt so empty, because I had wasted my time on actions that didn't matter to my true self.

At the end of the day, you have to be happy with yourself. Happiness fuels energy. People can do more things and achieve more goals if they're in a better mood. It also keeps your mind and body healthier. Life is tough and gives us opportunities to feel low or leads us to disconnect, it's not wise to cause these feelings by force when you don't have to. When I talk to elderly people, none of them says: "I wish I had been more fake in my life", or "I wish I had laughed less". Quite the opposite.

And I'll echo a bit what mlogan said about the #1 type of people. We meet most individuals in life either at school or at work. In these places we are stuck with a variety of folk that we often have little in common with. So it's not easy to find persons there with whom we can easily click. For me the easiest friendships came through practicing hobbies. When I took art classes I found myself with others who had similar personalities and values. It was so pleasant and easy to make friends. We could be silent and still enjoy each other's presence.
So IMO it's easier to meet those #1 type of people when you do activities that reflect the real you.

Please take everything I said with a grain of salt. What makes sense to me may not apply to you, so if you like something, keep it in mind, and you can discard the rest with my blessing.

Hopefully your situation will become easier to handle soon.

 

[DavidFoxfire]

Afraid of being Misunderstood? Welcome to my world, pal. {Hugs}

Hardly a week goes by without me being misunderstood for one thing or another. At least I have something to shift the blame on--having Autism; as you know, people on the spectrum have a rather shaky grasp on empathy--so I can move on with my life sooner, but it does prove irritating along the way.

I like the way you're trying to keep true to your passionate side, wishing to enjoy life and be happy. It's a noble goal. Some people just don't like to be around someone like that or aren't aware that they do; you probably know of this by now. That shouldn't keep you from being who you are or what you want to be. In fact, there's a lot more people out there would would prefer you to be happy and have a truckload of enthusiasm in your pants. (Yeah, yeah, I know the proper term is 'Determination,' but the other word fits in quite well.)

 

[Philosophus Vagus]

I basically agree with mlogan here. Truly outgoing and happy people are a rare breed, they remind people like me of how broken we feel most of the time, and maybe you will get a little scorn for that at times, but walling yourself off from the world, trying to be stoic or apathetic to the world around you to get along is not worth it, unless it is a necessity for survival. In your case it doesn't sound that way, so as long as your natural personality isn't a detriment to yourself or others (it sounds like in your case it is the opposite) then don't let the apathetic stance of those around you shame you into becoming apathetic yourself. There are many people who aren't worth impressing anyway, not necessarily because they are bad but like mlogan says oftentimes people just don't click right, and sometimes you may just not click with people at all.

With that out of the way, though this isn't directed at the OP or anyone else specifically per say I would like to address the mythical value of one's true self above all else because I find it to be very ill thought out advice that's bandied about without care all to often of late.

I'll probably be hated off the internet for this, but...

Spoiler: It's probably best for everyone if no one actually reads this but it's been eating at me silently for 20 years

Spoiler: and this is a half decent exuse to get it off my chest, at least to some extent. You have been warned! Twice.

...You need confidence in knowing your true self is more important than anything else in the world, because it's who you really are....

Unless of course your natural impulses and proclivities are actively detrimental to yourself and those around you, in which case all this pop culture "be you no matter what" chanting is a dangerous poison and extremely irresponsible advice to give you. If the only reason you want to change yourself is to garner the approval of others than yes, it's better to disregard the opinion of the masses in most instances, and most of the people above make some very good points in their above posts.

However, regardless of the popular craze of embracing yourself unconditionally, the fact of the matter is that from the moment we are born until well after we die we are all constantly changing, and though most people aren't at all comfortable admitting it we all have a darkness inside us of one form or another, something as natural as breathing that terrifies those of us who want to be good people, and would most likely ruin us eventually if we were to embrace it. I guess I can only speak for myself but I suspect I'm right here, however I know for a fact I am personally. There is a part of who I am that has been with me since I was a small child (honestly as long as I can remember, which is about kindergarten...maybe even before then), one that I have never once acted on in my life but for which were I to admit to outright would result in almost everyone on this planet naturally reviling and distrusting me regardless of the fact it's never left the realm of unfulfilled impulse, it would also likely get me banned here and on any other civil forums just for speaking candidly about.

All I'll say is if you really think about it, for every healthy consensual impulse that you can name and say there is nothing wrong with, there is another variation that any of us with half a thought in our heads would condemn without any hesitation due to the obvious harm it would cause and no amount of keeping quiet about those variations and shouting "be you" from the rooftops will ever change. That and though the required vagueness of this issue makes it seem like I'm possibly referring to one of the several non-binary sexual orientations that have waxed and waned from similar status to acceptance in recent years that's not what I'm eluding to here. So please don't come after me thinking that's what this is because even the most hard core alternative lifestyles activists would be disgusted with it and then have to doubt their convictions if they think for themselves at all with the realization that it's no less natural to me than any of the ones they support (with the exception of those with similar impulses who have embraced them regardless of the harm it would cause others to do so), but that still wouldn't make them any less disgusted with it.

But back to OP (and sorry for hijacking your thread and driving it straight into hell, but you did specifically ask to hear about 'the struggles others go through; so while perhaps unseemly you did invite it) my own personal take I suppose can be summed up as life is a balancing act. In your case regarding what you've told me it doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you being 'real' but not all of our instincts are so pure, regardless of what other people say not even they truly believe it in the practical sense, most just don't actually consider their mantra enough to realize that. That wasn't about you though, and I apologize for it but this recent trend of cavalierly espousing the virtues of embracing who you are unconditionally with no regard to the damage such advice can do to people who are wired in a way that 'being themselves' would require actively traumatizing and harming other people as a best case scenario really irks me, and maybe speaking out against it will help someone somewhere who is struggling with a similar issue and being encouraged to embrace it by unknowing mouthpieces who in reality would shun and condemn them for following that advice.

If nothing else let it comfort you that there are many worse personality traits one can struggle with coming to terms with than being so outgoing and passionate that you make others uncomfortable, but please don't buy into the rhetoric that however you are right now is perfect and infallible, because that is an ill conceived fallacy being spread everywhere of late, and even if you don't have anything about you that's truly wrong or harmful, at the very least I feel such beliefs risk causing one to remain stagnant in life and accepting misery or inadequacy as inevitable when in most cases we can all be better than we are currently, regardless of how loudly our instincts might cry otherwise or how much easier a path it may seem to embrace the inevitability and presumed beauty of how we naturally feel.

 

[robhr]

I would recommend meditation, it helps you get in touch with you. After awhile you'll realize who you are and what you project and chances are you will be thrilled with it. Because it's the perfect version of you. If people don't get you, it doesn't matter, you're perfect.

I was the same way in middle school. I hid myself and was very stoic. I hated the leader of my "friends" group and had nothing to say to him. When friends got me on my own they would always say I'm so much funnier and more vibrant. So I understand the desire to retreat to within yourself.

 

[starlight dream]

@Philosophus Vagus (I'm referring mostly to the hidden part of your message)

BTW... Isn't it interesting that it was hidden, considering it regards hidden parts of oneself?

Spoiler: Click to open... Not a Birthday gift

First off I appreciate the things you wrote, it's something we all know but overlook it.

Your post made me think of the weight and significance of words. They are our communication tool but every word has a different significance to each person. "Home" has a dictionary-meaning but it evokes different thoughts and feelings to each one of us. It's unfortunate that words are our communication method, because they can ring false or different to another's ears.

Yeah, "real self" has become modern jargon. It's one of those vague things we throw around, maybe out of laziness to dig deeper into the issue at hand. And I'm sure everyone that posted the words "true self" here had a subjective definition in mind.

In this situation, the OP was referring to seeking approval by being fake, so I believe ppl meant: don't bend over backwards to win everyone. Especially if being cheery and passionate is what is being targeted as a problem.

When I wrote "Be yourself" I immediately thought in my head "Ok I'm not suggesting be a criminal or a jerk" but I didn't write that part down... But words can be dangerous. It's easy for me to say it, because I live peacefully in a pretty tolerant place. My inner self is currently (as I type this) filled with gardens and butterflies (I'm too tired for anything more exciting than butterflies). I'm overly sensitive and I regret killing a mosquito. So being myself is particularly pleasant to mosquitoes. But if I followed "Be yourself" and I was living under a dictatorship for example, it would get me into problems. When I was severely depressed, who knows what "be yourself" would lead to? I was never really confident and people would tell me "be yourself"and I'd think "Being myself is what got me into this mess". I still have problems but I'm old. And I've seen that things I troubled myself with were time wasters, and a lot of the pain I felt was anxiety and could've been avoided. I completely agree with your post though.

It's part of the 2 faces of the internet. It allows us to interact, and we feel so close, but each one of us lives in entirely different worlds. With different cultures, minds and realities. What impacts one person positively can harm another. And we have no idea who will read the words. Add misunderstandings to the equation and we have the painfully-predictable world we live in.

As for those darker impulses, we all have them I think, we carry our inner demons and party poopers. Parts of us are deeply hidden, and that is a positive thing. We are too weak (personally and as societies) to judge the intangible thoughts healthily, without reaching false conclusions and causing harm to us or others. Of course, we are not our thoughts or impulses. What is a thought? The leftover of a stimuli, lingering in an active brain. Our mind has this capacity to imagine and analyze. Those functions are not the beginning and the end of a person. I try to treat my thoughts like passer-byes. I can see them move by me, but I don't have to engage in a serious, lasting relationship with all of them. Like I said I'm old. My perspective is different than most people here.

When I wrote be yourself, I meant "don't try to force your happiness/apathy in order to be liked". I stand by that. And when I wrote "I had wasted my time on actions that didn't matter to my true self", I meant changing the career I loved+my goals+my beliefs to please other people by doing things I disliked or didn't believe in. So I walked away jaded, and spiritually harmed but even that was a useful lesson I guess.

I know you weren't pointing at my post specifically, but I wanted to expand the term "real self" from my earlier post. It has many nuances. To me true self doesn't equal what you like and makes you happy. It's something deep on a soul level, like an inner home or truth. The true self doesn't concern itself with harming others or what others think of it (that's the Ego) it's a positive connection of a unique individual with the world it lives in, beyond matter and ego concerns. In case you missed it: I'm old.

 

[Gallia]

Well there are weirdo's like me who sees and accept a person how they are.
I won't Judge unless requested, and you can alwas talk to me about it, i most likely understand you.