In a Dark Place

Discussion in 'General Lounge' started by jamalMV, Oct 6, 2016.

  1. jamalMV

    jamalMV Villager Member

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    This may be a little inappropriate to post here but i really felt like i needed to get this out somewhere . I'm not in a very good place at the moment and i just feel like giving up on life entirely because I've tried so hard to fit into the real world and the online world that i now just feel like i don't fit in anywhere in the world anymore. i feel unwanted, worthless and forgotten about at times.


    I even feel as though no one will ever like what i have to offer i just have stories i write that others won't want to read, art that others won't want to see, rpg maker games that others won't want to play and the only person i can blame is myself because i fear rejection so much that i won't take risks or make effort anymore to help myself i actually feel as though i would be better off alone or worse dead but the only thing that's stopping me from self-harming is the fact that my mum has PTSD and other mental health problems and gets very emotional sometimes because of what happened to my brother years ago.


    I find it so frustrating that other people seem to be so much better than me at putting themselves out there and gaining respect from others because for me that doesn't happen at all i ever get is criticized, made fun of, dismissed, overshadowed and treated like I'm an outsider. It makes me feel almost inferior to everyone else in the world. I hope that everyone here can find it in their hearts to understand what i am going through at the moment i don't mean to pollute this forum with negativity i just needed to get this all out.
     
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  2. Vox Novus

    Vox Novus Knight of Whispers Veteran

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    I'm sure a lot of people can relate to you on here; I have anxiety and depression issues. Medication has helped with both especially the anxiety. After that though part of it is a willingness to put yourself out there despite rejection or failure. If you never try you can only blame yourself for never getting anywhere, this is especially so when it comes to making friends and connecting with people.


    As far as things like rpg maker or art, etc... go, I think the biggest thing is to do something because you like it and have a passion for it. If you are truly having fun doing something like game making in the end it won't really matter whether nobody plays it, nobody likes it because first and foremost you were able to have fun doing something you love. That's something that can't be taken away.
     
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  3. HexMozart88

    HexMozart88 The Master of Random Garbage Veteran

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    I wholeheartedly agree with @Vox Novus here. I don't really have any disorders (I don't think) but I will admit, sometimes I can't leave whatever room I'm in because I get a random burst of mortal terror. Even now, I'm faced with the problem of being looked at like a little weirdo because I didn't want to go to a "party" type of thing, simply because there were too many people. I knew if I had to talk to 400 people I wouldn't be able to take the stress it would give me, and my heart would be beating unhealthily fast. 

    I've felt that way several times before. How do you think it feels finishing five minutes after everyone else while running a lap because you had to adjust your knee brace five million times and limp half the way because of your stinking foot cramps? How do you think it feels to display your artwork in a school art gallery only to have people say it's trash and cover it up with scribbles? How do you think it feels feeling immensely fearful at random time just to have people say I'm just exaggerating? 

     Funny you say that. I'm not socially outgoing. Not one bit. I can try things, just because I jump in without thinking, or because I'm just guilty, but I've broken down every single time I've done that. You can't trust me. You can't trust me. I'm useless. Why did you want me to do this? And then I would do it. And I'd feel pretty OK. 


    Here's the funniest part of my messed up life so far: I was thinking about not talking ever again at one point, because I was getting annoyed at people for commenting on how weird my voice sounds, asking me if I'm a boy or a girl, even though the answer is very clear by my features. 


    I would cry, and people would just tell me to grow up. They wouldn't understand at all. But they tell me, even so, not to keep things bottled up. So... which is it?


    But how do you know no one's going to want to see your stuff? I thought people were going to bust a gut laughing at my music, after hearing some of their's. They didn't They actually liked it. And now, I've miraculously become an artist for two games, even though I've doubted the quality of my art for years. So, just give it a try. Make an art thread here as an experiment. 


    I don't have any magical pills that can help me, all I can do is to not look as stressed as I actually am. But, that's all that matters now. If you have friends to tell, go ahead. I use a diary, because no real person would understand, and a lot wouldn't care, or they'd care too much. 


    When I'm feeling like you are, I usually listen to a Japanese song, its lyrics and the music video are inspirational for me. I feel silly for listening to anime themes to feel better, but it's just how I cope. 
     
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  4. Touchfuzzy

    Touchfuzzy Rantagonist Staff Member Lead Eagle

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    Ok.


    Time to be a bit personal. Because I've been struggling a bit with things recently myself, and I think it is important for people to realize that no matter how much people seem to have it together... they probably don't.

    Everyone is a master of faking it. Everyone has doubts. I spent years, and years, and years, feeling like I was a tagalong in my friend group. That they weren't really my friends. That they were my wife's friends. But you know what: no one knew that.



    We all become very adapt at hiding our emotions. We get very adapt at making sure no one realizes we don't have it all figured out. Everyone around you is doing the same.


    And more and more, I realize that we need to talk about this. We need to make sure that people don't think they are alone. And more than likely, you have a few friends that think way more of you than you think. Who think you have things together, and are wondering why they can't keep themselves as together as you.

    You are not alone. Please keep trying. Please just keep on trying to take it a day at a time, and figure things out one step at a time.

    Find those people who won't judge you. Tell them how you feel. Keep them in the loop. I may seem like a really easy going well adjusted guy with lots of friends, but I have a special Facebook friends list of like 10 people, who I tell every day about what I'm struggling with. It is ok to not have it all figured out. No one else does either. And if everyone just admits it, and is honest about their feelings... we might realize that it is pretty normal.
     
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  5. HexMozart88

    HexMozart88 The Master of Random Garbage Veteran

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    @Touchfuzzy Not everyone tries to hide their emotions. Some show them quite often, others exaggerate to get attention. I just hide my thoughts to look remotely sane. That often fails, though. 
     
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  6. Touchfuzzy

    Touchfuzzy Rantagonist Staff Member Lead Eagle

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    Maybe not everyone does, but enough people do that it is easy for people to think that "normal" people have it all together.


    There is no normal and almost no one has it all together.
     
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  7. Sharm

    Sharm Pixel Tile Artist Veteran

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    I'm bipolar and have a debilitating chronic illness, I know exactly what it's like to feel useless, to feel unwanted, to feel like a huge drain on everyone around me.  So please trust me when I say it does get better.  The number one thing to do is stop comparing yourself to other people.  That is always a losing game no matter how amazing you are at something.  There is always someone better, there will always be someone who it doesn't work for.  But at the same time there will never be anyone who can contribute exactly the way you can.  Don't focus on being what you think other people want from you, focus on being the very best you you can possibly be.  Secondly, I want you to pay attention to who's opinion you're listening to.  Most of the time when I see people with self esteem issues it's because they're giving a lot of weight to the opinions of people that they don't even like.  Why do that?  Why should you care about that sort of person?  Think about the people who you like, the people whose good opinion means something to you, and pay way more attention to those opinions.  Give them priority in your mind, listen to what they say.  They're the ones that matter.
     
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  8. HexMozart88

    HexMozart88 The Master of Random Garbage Veteran

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    I hate when people say that. I'm sorry. I really do. You confident people treat it like we just fall to pieces over one comment. That's not the case. When you're told the same thing or ignored for four years, it has a rather hypnotic effect. As I've said, I've had random people question my gender, I've had people say over and over that I'm a completely useless klutz. Wouldn't you believe it too? So after all of that, after I've been told consistently to grow up, to get over it, I give up. Whenever someone says something sucks about me, I say "I know" and walk away. I avoid social situations because they give me nervous breakdowns. And I do take what the people close to me say seriously, but it's mainly only the bad things that stick, because those are the things I've been told most often. So they're real now. 


    Anyway, this isn't about me. @jamalMV, just, don't give up on life just yet. Keep trying, and, don't follow my example.  
     
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  9. Sharm

    Sharm Pixel Tile Artist Veteran

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    Confident people?  Me?  Gosh, you don't know me at all.  I'm not making a judgement call, just talking about what I think works best from my experiences.  I was not trying to belittle the corroding effect that negative comments have, just trying to help anyone who has a rough time with self esteem to maybe reframe the comments a bit so they can possibly handle them in a different way that is less damaging.  The sad fact is that we don't live in the type of world where you get less negativity than you do positivity.  I hate that, and I try to change that with being as positive as I can myself, but I will not let that fact rule me.  So the best thing to do is to figure out ways to deal with it, to overcome it, and not let the negativity win.


    It took me a very, very long time to figure this out, but a positive self image has to start from yourself.  When you have the kind of damage that causes poor self esteem being surrounded by positivity sounds like lies.  It's not the solution.  The only way to come out of that kind of darkness is to find ways to believe in any positivity you can find and accept it as truth.


    I want to be very clear.  I am not telling anyone to just get over it.  That never works and is insulting and invalidating.  I am trying to give anyone who listens the tools to do whatever they can to help themselves to get just a little bit better.  Every little bit helps.


    Edit:  I feel I should add that while I am in a much better place now than I was before I started actively trying to believe the people I care about and the good things said about me, I am still not someone with good self esteem.  What I'm talking about is only a treatment, not a cure.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 6, 2016
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  10. Vox Novus

    Vox Novus Knight of Whispers Veteran

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    I think you reach a certain point at the bottom of that "pit" where you know you need to get some external help with things to. Now whether you go get that help is another thing entirely. For me it was sort of forced on me; while I was on some anti-anxiety meds, it wasn't helping so much for depression. Frankly, I was having suicidal thoughts and a couple of my family members became concerned and pretty much gave me the ultimatum to go to the hospital so I went. I was put on some better medication that helped more with the depression and a treatment plan was set up for follow up therapy and etc...I even hit it off with someone at the hospital and made pretty much the only friend I have right now. All in all it was a good experience for me.


    If you are at that point where you are so low that you know you aren't right, I urge you to seek some sort of help yourself; there's no shame in checking yourself in to a hospital, speaking with a psychiatrist or psychologist or being part of support groups. Many others are there for the same reason and will understand what you are going through. Its a brave thing really, to accept your own faults and issues and do what you can to try and improve upon them; many bury those things deep within.
     
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  11. LilyValentin

    LilyValentin Villager Member

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    I hate myself because I am.
     
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  12. AwesomeCool

    AwesomeCool Bratty and spoiled little sister Veteran

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    As someone who spent years crying to himself when I was younger:


    Nobody is ever going to save you, I know it is cruel,  society keeps asking for more and more, but will never give anything back.  


    Where did all the good men go? They give up and end up settling on addictions to keep the pain away and get through life keeping themselves in a dream.  


    Where did all good girls go? Lied and used to, they have been scared many, many times and ultimately isolate themselves forming many mental disorders along the way.


    Yes, the good people are the ones constantly stepped on and the people who do are rewarded and praised for doing so.  Yes, those that hurt others apologise and then go straight back to having the time fo their life.  Yes, nobody will ever reach there hand-out to you and instead look at you with disgust in their eyes for how pathetic you are.  Yes, people will constantly talk about how bad they have it (and generally how lucky/better-off/privileged) you are compared to them, while they currently have everything you ever dreamed of at there fingertips.


    However, you don't need to be there.  Remember that there is no stronger pusher for you than you yourself are.  I know it is hard, a person does not become a professional runner overnight and that is probably an easier feat to achieve honestly.  You will constantly be rubber-banded backwards long-distances time and time again for reasons outside of your control, your resolve will be constantly tested and you will not receive a single break.


    A few years ago I was morbidly obese, spent my life in my room addicted to video games, was diagnosed with Schizo-affective disorder and the severest form of depression, literally was dreaming of my dream to have a family and cried myself to sleep as I felt like there was no point to even existing.


    It took a year, but I became skinny.


    It took years, but I fought off my mental issues and am now considered cured.


    I am still looking for a partner, girls are now turning their heads toward me and smiling at me, and I can easily get involved with a steady stream of potential dates.


    I still constantly look back on the time I lost, my poor decisions, people in society destroying me at the first opportunity they have, and nothing will ever right how you were wronged.  However, I now realise that I live in the present, not the past or a potential future, and have the power to make my life better and ultimately satisfying.  It is what you currently have that counts in the end, not what you don't have.


    ...and @Sharm is right, but just because it is simple does not make it incredibly hard.  Look at weight loss, just take in less calories than you consume, an incredibly simple but difficult solution that so many people can't succeed at.


    Every day, keep working as hard as you can on it and never stop til the day you die.  The first month will be impossible, the second will be back-breaking, the third will be almost unbearable, the fourth will be incredibly painful, the fifth will be very painful, the sixth will be sharply painful, the seventh will be painful, the eighth will be mildly painful, the ninth will be mildly painful, the tenth will be anooingly painful...
     
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  13. Matseb2611

    Matseb2611 Innovate, don't emulate Veteran

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    I would have to really agree with what some of the people above said. Most people aren't quite as tough and happy as they make it out to be. It's a social mask. We all wear it, we all hide out weaknesses and frustrations, but from time to time, when things reach a tipping point, we release it, and that's ok. It's natural to do that.


    I can really relate to everything you've described. The fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of being mocked and laughed at, of not feeling like you're good enough, of feeling as though the world expects some kind of unrealistic standards from everyone. I don't know how obvious it is, but I've had some emotionally tough times in my life. Been through depression and social anxiety, which I acquired in my late teens at the end of school years. And it's been a constant battle since then. But let me assure you - these things don't hold dominion over you. They might stay with you for the rest of your life, but you can fight back slowly but surely and attain some sort of control over them in order to stay afloat.


    Whenever I speak to people who are going through depression or anxiety, I always try to encourage them not to give up, and I'm going to do the same here. I strongly encourage you to fight on, and most importantly challenge yourself. The more you shy away from things that scare you, the narrower your comfort zone becomes. With time, things you could do confidently before will now start causing you undue anxiety. The trick is to push the boundaries of your comfort zone... gradually, one step at a time. Remember this - fear of rejection/failure might be terrifying and paralyzing, but if you don't try at all, then you've already failed. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Just remember to do this in gradual steps. Don't run before you can walk. And remember - it's ok to say 'no' from time to time.


    So I'd give you this advice. Put yourself out there. Put your work out there. Yes, there will be criticisms, and yes, some of it will be harsh and unfair, but know this - everyone gets that, and by far not everyone gets attention and recognition right away. Many people have to go through some prickly experiences before they finally get recognized. The first couple or so RM games I've put on here were barely noticed, but I kept on making more, and eventually, as my skills in game-making improved, so did my audience. Just remember to always push on and change the strategy from time to time. Mix it up, try out new things. The more new things you try, the more chances for you to find your niche in the world.
     
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  14. mlogan

    mlogan Global Moderators Global Mod

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    I feel like you completely missed both Touchfuzzy's and Sharm's points, which were that just because people *seem* confident or have it together, doesn't mean they feel that way on the inside.


    For example, I've always found you to be a quite helpful and likeable member here in the community. You have a fairly high content count for the time you've been a member here, which says that you obviously put yourself out there and try. There's nothing in the way that you post here that I've seen that would suggest that you are afraid to try to get to know people here or be a member of this community. In short, you seem confident to me.


    As for the original poster's comments, I've refrained from posting as I don't think I have much to add to that I didn't already in your other topic, and I felt my opinion wasn't too well received. So, all I will say is that based on this:



    I highly, highly encourage you to seek help. Living with someone else with mental health issues is a difficult task in and of itself, much less when you are trying to deal with your own. And I've no idea what happened with your brother, but I can imagine it may be having lasting effects on you, even if you don't realize. I don't know your family dynamic, but I strongly encourage you to talk to your mom and let her know that you need help. It can be tough, it can be scary talking to your parents, but hopefully she will and see and realize and help you get the help you need. I'm not a professional, none of us here are, so I encourage you to seek one out.
     
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  15. kaukusaki

    kaukusaki Awesome Programmer Extraordinaire Veteran

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    Just know you're not alone and that your issues isn't who you are. I never did fit in with society and it made everyone else question my sanity. Usually I respond with I'm normal and they're crazy. But there is no "normal" -  just an agreed upon set of guidelines used as baseline that polite society follows. And when you don't follow the herd mentality you get branded as odd. 


    Just be you. It took me nearly 20 years to be myself and folks who dig you for being you will appear. Those who don't just walk away. I have cut out a lot of folks and walked away from a lot of folks because I deserve to be selfish about my happiness. You deserve to be selfish about your happiness too. There is no hard and fast rule that states we must be all things to everyone. 


    I had to learn the hard way that to live my life how I like and to hell with anyone elses opinions. Don't let negative thoughts live rent free in your head. You control your outcome. It takes a lot of work to change your thought processes but it is possible. It took me 2 years but I'm slowly getting used to accepting myself as I am. It will take time. 


    The world needs weirdness. It would be lame without it 
     
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  16. HexMozart88

    HexMozart88 The Master of Random Garbage Veteran

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    Nah. I never meant to imply anything. It's just that it's usually either people who get mad at me for having no self-esteem and positive people who tell me those things, and to hear that again, well, you know... 

    I -- I seem c -- confident? *Blush* I mean, people have said I seem composed, but you're the first who's said I seem confident. 

    *Blushes even harder* Y -- yeah.  Yeah, I guess. I do try, so I can feel helpful. (Timid smile) You seem to be pretty good at this. I mean, making people feel better.  
     
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  17. Vox Novus

    Vox Novus Knight of Whispers Veteran

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    @HexMozart88 its a mother's touch I'm sure.


    It really helps to have a strong network of support when dealing with these difficult issues and while online places can be a good step, there's nothing quite like a real face to face connection. That's why getting out there, finding a support group, one good friend or close family member or a therapist/psychiatrist you trust and feel comfortable with can help so much in addition to meds that may be necessary to help alleviate and deal with symptoms. You pretty much have to take that step yourself though unless it gets forced upon you (medical arrest).


    Getting the right help from the right individuals can absolutely make a world of difference, my anxiety issues used to be extreme. In high school, I couldn't sit at spirit day events because it was so loud and intrusive to me, I was never able to tell a girl I had feelings for how much I felt for her because I was that utterly terrified even after she strongly hinted that she felt the same, eventually I basically quit school out of fear of many things that included (later finished online, same for college). I missed out on all those high school moments though. At some points I was afraid to go out in public or to the store, I'd have issues ordering food from restaurants due to anxiety over talking with waitresses. Learning to drive was an absolutely monumental task for me and I didn't get my licence until 24 years old because I would break down and panic trying to learn how to do it.


    I'd also have extreme anger outbursts when I felt embarrassed or didn't know how to respond; this is a common reaction when under extreme anxiety. 


    With the right treatment plan though I am doing so much better; there is hope and there is a better tomorrow when the right thing is found for you, which is why I encourage the OP to find some help for themselves.


    Corny quote incoming; its always darkest before the dawn.
     
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  18. HexMozart88

    HexMozart88 The Master of Random Garbage Veteran

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    Not at all. That was good. 

    Or a diary. Diaries are good too. 
     
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  19. Vox Novus

    Vox Novus Knight of Whispers Veteran

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    @HexMozart88 I'm not saying diaries/journals aren't good, they can be conducive to a lot especially if you use them along with positive affirmations but I wouldn't say its a replacement for a strong network of support. Close human contact is incredibly important, even if its only a few trusted people; humans weren't meant to be isolated and alone. Besides that its good to get out of your own head sometimes.
     
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  20. Sharm

    Sharm Pixel Tile Artist Veteran

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    I agree with Vox.  Trying to find your own way through this sort of stuff without any outside help is like being on a ship in a storm trying to figure out where the shore is with only itself as a reference point, no lighthouse.  You're going to get yourself in mental loops and your thoughts are going to drift off course.  Finding the right sort of outside help is a job, no doubt, but it's rather essential.
     
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