Legend of Ninril (Feedback)

Discussion in 'Art, Literature, and Music' started by hyde9318, Feb 11, 2015.

  1. hyde9318

    hyde9318 RMC Coordinator Veteran

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    Howdy guys! A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I had a creative writing class (high school) where one of our assignments was to "imagine your own world similar to how Tolkein created his own" and to write a story that would take place there. Many people wrote their papers and rid themselves of their ideas, quickly moving on. I, on the other hand, seemed to dive deeper into the world I created, coming up with races to populate it, bits of important history that made it up, and even religions for the different races. I had no idea what I could use this world for, but it was fun writing about this fantasy world full of shared stories and epic history. 
     
    Time went on, bits of it developed more, but it slowed down significantly. Life began setting in more and I found less time to really advance the overall "story" of this place. Jump forward to a couple years ago, I decided to not waste the material I had already, but I wanted to make it more refined and fluid, as if a real world. I retconned a bunch of information and began rebuilding this fantasy planet through different written papers and even some small games. More recently, I decided to finally set a fairly large RPG in the world, giving it a jumping point for introducing the world to people outside my circle. As I wrote plots for the game, people close to me bean asking questions about major history events that took place before the game's story, so I was convinced to write a book that would serve as a prequel to the game. 
     
    Jump again, this time to about last week. The basic plot of the book has been laid out, character have been formed, settings have been planned. I began writing about four days ago, just recently finishing up the first chapter. So that brings me to this thread. 
     
    What I hope to do here is give a place where i can post chapters as I write them and hopefully get feedback and maybe even some proofreading from the community. I read everything I have, but it ALWAYS helps to have extra eyes looking it over. Maybe one person reads it and finds one mistake, and then another finds a different mistake that others missed, and so on. 
     
    So, RMWeb, won't you go on this adventure with me?
     

     
    Brief Overview and Setting
    The world of Terra Diversus is grand. Six major kingdoms rule the planet, three races descended from man, three races descended from elf. The three descendants of man are known in this world as the Midnem (Humans), Terranem (Dwarves), and the Draconem (Dragon Kin), while the descendants of elf are known as the Aetanym (Elder Elves), Solnym (Solar Elves), and Drownym (Lunar Elves).
     
    Historically, the Aetanym have considered themselves the rightful rulers of the planet, believing their race to be the favorites in the eyes of the Divinities. They see all other races as lesser beings, even including the Solnym and Drownym, both of which were once of one race with the Elder Elves but have since grown to be quite different (both in culture and somewhat in looks). On the other side of the spectrum, the Midnem have always sought peace, their closest allies being the Dwarves, or Terranem. Through massive amounts of trade and commerce, the kingdoms of Man and Dwarf have almost become a single force, although their cultures are vastly different. Step inside any tavern in the country of Ninril and you are bound to find a hoard of Dwarves keeping the place stocked of merriment and song. However, not all of the 6 Kingdoms are as prominent in the world. The Draconem are a nomadic race of massive lizard men that rarely venture far from their island kingdom of Anguistia. The Drownym a race of fair skinned, silver haired elves that were said to have been the essence of beauty, but a war with the Draconem over a territory pushed them from their home and they have since become a lost tribe. Many clues point to the Lunar Elves still being out there somewhere, but they haven't made contact with another kingdom since the war.
     
    The home country of the Midnem is the great island of Ninril, the fabled birthplace of the first races of men and elves. As the first 2 ages of Terra Diversus, Man and Elf lived side by side in Ninril, but tensions grew higher as time went on.  During the chaotic 3rd age of the world, a massive war between the Aetanym and Midnem tore apart the kingdoms, ultimately driving the Elves out of the country and forcing them to rebuild their civilization in a secluded continent away from the Humans. During the end of the 3rd age and the beginning of the 4th, the Midnem kingdom became the most powerful nation on the planet, but with power came problems. When more and more Terranem began settling within the country, the Ninrillian citizens split into two groups; those who accepted their new dwarven friends and those who wanted the country all to themselves. A bloody Civil War once again plunged Ninril into conflict, weakening the kingdom. Many years went by as the Ninrillian Civil Wars built up a casualty count higher than any war on the planet so far. With a slow but effective victory over the rebels by a nobel named Eirik, the country finally ended its war and named its hero King. The lands were once again at peace, but the wars costed them their militaristic and political world power, leaving them weak. 
     
    This is where we begin with this book. The Civil Wars are over, a honorable king sits on the throne. But while the country is rebuilding its power, the Aetanym see an opportunity. When hostile politics become the makings of a genocide, a darkness begins to take the country of Ninril. What will be the fate of the nation of Ninril and its citizens?
     
    Chapters:
    Chapter One
    Chapter Two
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 18, 2015
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  2. Ralpf

    Ralpf Veteran Veteran

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    Looks interesting, I don't have much time right now but I will read the rest of it, probably later tonight.
     
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  3. hyde9318

    hyde9318 RMC Coordinator Veteran

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    That would be cool. Any feedback whatsoever would be nice.
     
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  4. Ralpf

    Ralpf Veteran Veteran

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    Just a disclaimer, I'm not a writer and my grammar is average on my good days. And while I like fantasy I can be picky, I can't even read Tolkien because of his tendency to be overly verbose.

    I like it. I was going to give you some crap about blowing up stone with ale, but it didn't turn out that way. lol

    Paragraph 8 sentence 5 starting with "a single man" about the bar and barkeep, that sentence runs a little long without really adding much.

    Second paragraph from the end, second sentence. I feel 'a bit' is detrimental to that sentence, it reads better without that I think.

    The last paragraph has a bit of a flow issue.

    But I think it's really good, none of the things I mentioned are a big deal, I was looking all over for grammatical errors, couldn't find any. Also, technically speaking a group of horses isn't a herd (Paragraph 18, I think), though I don't know that you should change that, it's less confusing with herd. (http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/words/what-do-you-call-a-group-of)

    I look forward to the next chapter.
     
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  5. hyde9318

    hyde9318 RMC Coordinator Veteran

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    You know, I called out that same problem myself, but then the couple people I have that read all of my stuff told me they preferred I used "group" or "herd" cause it flows better. So I kept it that way in hopes that I would first judge the General consensus, and then change it accordingly. So thank you for pointing it out.

    Also, I have the finished up final draft of this chapter now. Not huge changes, mainly flow fixes in paragraphs, along with more emotion description for Gunnar to make him more human (his wife, the light of his whole life, dies and I literally didn't even make him think on it.... Fixed that now though), plus a slightly different reaction from Erik in the last paragraph. I'll get it changed soon.

    Chapter two is about half done on the first draft, however I will post the second draft when time comes (I write the first draft, then I read it a few times and fix a bunch of things and just do basic editing). Expect chapter two probably this next week early on.
     
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  6. hyde9318

    hyde9318 RMC Coordinator Veteran

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    Okay, so I have finally updated the original posting of the chapter with the final draft. I have been a bit busy as of late, so it took a bit of time to get it all fixed and ready to go, but it is done. Hopefully a bunch of parts sound a bit better now.


    As of more chapters, on their way. Sorry for the wait, those of you who are reading along, but chapter two is about halfway done and I will be having more time to work this week as well, so all good news!


    Anyways, thank you guys again for support and feedback. Should have a bigger update soon.
     
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  7. hyde9318

    hyde9318 RMC Coordinator Veteran

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    Hey guys, sorry for the really bad wait. Working with some other stuff lately, but I finally decided to get this posted. This has been finished for a bit now, but I couldn't find the time to upload it. Chapter Two is done and in the original post up top (follow the link). Quick description of the new chapter...
     

    Hope you guys like the new chapter and look forward to the third, it is about half finished already and it shouldn't be anywhere near as long of a wait this time, lol. 
     
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