Life, IT and Asperger

[Chef]

Good evening,

Since I was young I showed symptoms of Asperger or PPD-NOS, and the past few weeks it became very clear to me I actually have it. First I didn't want to believe it because it's ruled as a form of autism and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not autistic, so I just ignored any help I could get and went on developing a game (Almanac). That was around December of 2017. Side note: In june of 2017 I finished school. In my school time I was a relative big amount of days sick because of stress, tension, tiredness. It's better described as a small burnout every few weeks. Anyway, since I'm finished with school and worked for my own I haven't been sick for 1 day.

Now we are in October of 2019, and my company (ViegolTech) isn't generating any income yet since a game is a product and you can only get paid for a product if it's finished and out on the market. So I went looking for a job. In the first few weeks IT oriented, but companies didn't want to hire me and as my savings got smaller and smaller I applied anywhere I could. So I finally got accepted at a local store that mostly sells household stuff and a small bit of toys. Today was the introduction day, last night I got the stress, tiredness, head- and stomach ache back that I get when I'm very nervous for something where failure is not an option. I had that all the time when I was in school and while I had my internships as a Chemical Analyst. Thing is that when I was halfway on my way there the stress and stomach ache got too much so I called it off and went back home. Later on I got an email that I didn't need to show up tomorrow anymore.

Also, today I went to see a doctor and she gave me the receipt to get a diagnose for Asperger as the chance of me having it is very large. My IQ appearantly is about 140 and according to my family and friends I've been showing the symptoms for a very long time now. The problem that Asperger gives me is that I really quickly get burned out, sick or over stressed if I'm working under somebody who tells me what to do. That was the main reason I started ViegolTech in the first place.

But now the real problem and question: When I get diagnosed I will get tested as in how far I am able to work and get a sort of alimony for the time I won't be able to work for a boss (which probably will be around 75% of the minimum wage (I'm 21, so it's even lower than the normal 23+ minimum wage) based on a 40 hour workweek. But when I'm going to live on my own, I do need to fill that up with money I get from work; but I can't get myself to work under a boss or manager. Besides that I'm only left with my very last €40,- and I won't be able to pay for November anymore. The diagnose is at the end of November / start December (6 weeks). In January I made a conditional branch tree plan of scenarios, and it litterly went the worst path it could go. The very last resort is an amimated YouTube video like Zero Punctuation from Yathzee I made last December, to see if YouTube could work out if I wanted too. Tomorrow I will record it and hopefully upload it this Saturday.

What would you do in this scenario and are there more people on the forum with Asperger? And if so, how do you deal with it?


Thanks for reading all of that!

Kind regards,
Arend Galenkamp
ViegolTech
#Almanac

 

[Finnuval]

Hi there, I'm autistic myself, rather high on the spectrum, but not apserger.

Our IQ's are similar and not being able to work under someone is completly relatable. I'm turning 40 in a few months and I decided long ago to focus on friends and family instead of work so I got married and my partner brings in the money while I raise our son and keep things from falling apart at home and around me. I build a small but strong group of friends that I can always rely on so I always got help when I got in (financial) hot water and in turn my unique view on things helped them with their troubles. This works well for me and I'm thankfull for it.
As to what I would do in your situation, I really don't know as I have always prevented myself to get into that situation though it hasn't always been easy. All I can say is do what you can, don't give up hope and I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Philosophus Vagus]

Hello. I actually have Asperger syndrome and some of what you are speaking of is relatable to my past. I'm going to tell you a bit of my experiences over the years (I'm only 6 years older than you so take it with a grain of salt) and how I've adapted so far in my life.

First off, the interview process. I can innately relate to your difficulties where that is concerned. In fact anything involving strangers of any kind used to be vastly intimidating to me. The first thing I'll tell you is that it isn't uncommon to feel anxiety at a job interview, almost everyone does to some extent at least until they've done it dozens of times. However, most people don't feel it as acutely as we do. I get some similar symptoms in such instances, including insomnia, gastrointestinal distress, vomiting, diarrhea and muscle spasms. Although these issues are completely psychosomatic in nature they are also very physically real in the moment and I understand how you can view that as meaning you are incapable of working. I used to feel the exact same.

The bad news is that it doesn't get better if your job itself causes you anxiety. When I used to work in retail or the service industry (for a while I bounced jobs a lot) I would frequently wake up on work days and immediately run to the toilet and empty my stomach. Not being able to keep anything down on work days left me irritable as well as anxious, which made me sloppy in my work. I can't tell you how many times I've failed to get a job or been fired because my anxiety came to a head, just plowing through it wouldn't help me, but there are things you can do.

1. Tailor the types of jobs you look for to ease your anxieties. For me this meant absolutely no public service jobs. Period. I can't work with different people everyday, a small group of people that I get to know is vastly easier to deal with over time than a work situation where every day I'm catering to new people and where turnover is like 25% per month.
   
2. Another thing I've found is that I greatly prefer structured jobs where I have a list of things I am responsible for and am left to take care of than those of a more frantic nature. I'm an electrician these days, I work for a commercial firm where I come into the job site and am basically left to my own devices. It's a lot more work than other jobs but the fact that I can just focus on what I am doing, work until I'm finished and don't have to worry about someone constantly breathing down my neck demanding I do X, Y or Z outside of what I was originally given to do (not counting times, especially early on, where I just royally screwed something up anyway) helps keep my anxieties at bay.
3. Get a dog, or some other kind of pet you love if you don't have one. I'm serious. Left to my own devices my anxieties and issues can easily see me just giving up and letting everything fall to pieces around me in a fit of pique. This has gotten so bad before that at one point I allowed myself to deteriorate into homelessness and it took me two years (from the point I actually started caring again) to claw myself back to the edge of stability, and even longer to get a solid footing again. If you don't have a family that is depending on you to keep your **** together an animal is the next best thing so long as you really care about him. If nothing else it'll help teach you sacrifice which can be a powerful motivator to elevate yourself, at least it was for me.
4. Don't be afraid to walk away from jobs you can't cope with. Don't let yourself get so anxious by trying to stay at a job that you let your symptoms build to the point where you just don't show up one day or end up fired because you blow up. Instead when it becomes apparent you aren't going to be able to deal then talk to your employer and either get help resolving the stressor or give them your two weeks notice. The first couple of times future employers aren't likely to note but when you develop a long string of work histories it becomes problematic when your references are strewn with burned bridges. On the flip side, most employers aren't going to care enough to check back and realize you've had 12 jobs in the last year and a half when you leave your former employers on amicable terms. I cannot stress this enough, so many doors needlessly closed for me because for to long I tried to 'tough it out' until I absolutely couldn't any longer.
5. Find a therapist (someone indifferent to you at the very least) to see on a regular basis. I'm not a very forthcoming myself and I'll be honest I use my therapist 90% of the times just to shoot the breeze with, vent political ire and use as a sounding board for the direction I'm taking with my life and very rarely do I actually open up about my issues but having someone there that I can go talk to and have no social obligations too (as social obligations also trigger my anxieties) can be great catharsis when I'm feeling particularly frustrated.

I would recommend that you certainly don't give up on working at least in a part time capacity (obviously as I just wrote out five paragraphs of points to hopefully help you find a less stressful job) because work can absolutely be fulfilling. Self employment is a worthwhile goal (in fact it is my eventual goal as well, if not in game development) but you're probably going to need to invest capital into said business to make it work, to say nothing on funds to live off of so I'm hesitant to recommend you pursue it exclusively as you are right now. I've got some more I could say but I've got to head out to the vet right now but feel free to reply or pm me if you have any questions, concerns or just want to ask someone else with Aspergers about their perspective on anything else you're going through and I'll get back to you in as timely a manner as I can. Hope you find the right balance for your life man, few things are as important for a healthy psyche and when your mind functions in an atypical manner balance can be difficult to find.

 

[Kyuukon]

Can't you go live with your parents or family until you are good again?

If that's not an option, maybe you should look into freelance data-entry kinda jobs that you can do from home. I honestly have no experience with those but it might be worth checking it up and see what results come from the net. Just a suggestion as making a living from YT or game making takes a lot of time and investment (way more than a month).

Also, if the opportunity arises you should adopt a cat to make you company at home

 

[Chef]

@Kyuukon @Philosophus Vagus @Finnuval Thanks, a lot, for the support and explanation. I was looking for a job where I wouldn't be checked on every 5 frames and where I get the freedom to do what I want and when I want to do it. But as my budget got tighter and tighter I got no choice but to look further and take the first job that offers a contract. I already have a cat btw, his name is Lewa (yes that is taken from Bionicle). At the moment I live with my mom and my younger (half) sister, and Lewa ofc. But she wants me to pay €75,- a month and a few days ago she suddenly raised it to €125,-. But she doesn't want to lend me any money and gets very huffy when I talk about it. Yes she knows about the situation and that I have other bills to pay too. So I have to ask other family members or close friends.

Spoiler: Photos of Lewa

 

[bgillisp]

I'll admit to not knowing much about this situation, but maybe some sort of freelance work might be up your alley? Though you will still have some checking up on you to make sure you are doing what you say you will, but it still might be more in line with what you like to do. Can you draw? Make music? Code? If you can do any of those I'm sure someone would hire you to do freelance work if you wanted to try it out. I'd suggest our classifieds section once you get promoted to Veteran (you're close, so keep at it!).

If that isn't an option, then maybe getting the youtube channel going and offering to play peoples RPGMaker games on it for them? I think that's what Studioblue does, as does Hawkzombie.

 

[HexMozart88]

Nice to meet you. Don't really know much to say about your situation, but hopefully I can offer some insight on making money. (Side note, that's one heck of an IQ, so take comfort in the knowledge that you clearly have capabilities to go places.)
But anyway, I can get the whole thing with not feeling comfortable working for someone else. It's the one thing I dread doing the most once I get out of school, so I'm finding any way I can out of it. Creating your own company was a good move, however with YouTube, while careers can work there, I should probably warn you that it's not the most stable job in the world. If your channel dies, then you're out of a job. But, if you have it going alongside your company, then YouTube can fill in the gaps in income between each game. Alternatively, there are ways you can get paid while working on the game. You can use YouTube to create hype, and start a ******* or something for those interested enough to support the game.

 

[Chef]

@bgillisp Yeah I would like to do some freelance work if that's possible. I'm really a starter at writing code (JavaScript only) from scratch, but I can adjust plugins to my likings. I can't really draw or make music but I'm really good at game / puzzle design and the logic behind it. Other than that I used to build custom computers for costumers but that is as good as dry now.

I made a new forumpost regarding youtube, maybe you guys / girls are interested: https://forums.rpgmakerweb.com/inde...mes-to-discuss-on-youtube.101023/#post-906647