Looking for writing critique

orochii

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Hi! I come today here asking for some critique. I need to preface this with: I'm no native English speaker, so expect to cringe. Sorry in advance.

I'm writing several "books" for my game. More like small exposition dumps in the shape of an interactive book inside the game. I format them in several ways, some are meant to be like textbooks, like the ones that teach you about gameplay stuff. Some are mimicking some kind of history book (I even rip off some names from real authors, like Eric Hobbs in reference to Hobsbawm).

This here in particular is some kind of old book, meant to be like some sort of contemporary bible. Like what the Norse compilations are (the Eddas), or the very same Christian Bible. I'd love to give it a more poetic shape, however I'm way too inexperienced so I just gave it a weird inbetween structure. I also didn't want to make it too criptic, neither super long.

Here is the first part.

Shine oh glory of the past!
An era of light and power.
The conquest was over,
everything was in our grasp.

But soon the prosperity
turned into longing desire.
And the wise and powerful
gave birth to the wicked.

The raptors in the skies,
and their wise king Bar Juchne.
The deathworms in the seas,
bred by the great Leviathan.
The beasts in the lands,
led by the savage Behemoth.

But the worst of our designs,
the one that conquers them all,
is Tezcatlipoca, the King of Beasts.

Hear our brethen
about our sins,
and fear the nature of progress.
Even if the cause is just,
the reason eventually withers
and fades into corruption.

Every land, every sea, every sky,
drenched by our evil touch.
Thousands of creatures
tainted by our ambition.

They became our tools to conquer.
We soon poured the seed in ourselves,
as we became humilliated
by our own creations.

May the queen of Niflheimr
forgive us for the hurt
caused to her by our depravity.
Any kind of critique, correction or whatever else is very much appreciated. I especially struggle since I have to write both English and Spanish versions. But I'm open to learning.

Thanks!
 

Canini

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Hi, nice to meet a fellow poet/writer!
I am not a native english speaker myself so I cannot really help you out with grammar or spelling but I am very knowledgable about norse poetry so if you want to model your texts on those you are in luck! First of all I want to say that your poem captures the typical fall and decline inherit in many norse poems. it is also very good at providing exposition while still sounding mysterious.
I would suggest that you read up on metres used in actual norse poetry and model your work after those. Here is a good place to start:
 

garorey

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I think that all writing novels can not be perfect. I am not so perfect writer too. From time to time I check English Essay Help because my grammar is bad and I visit grammar courses.
 
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