My novel...

Nightblade50

Developer of "Delta Origins"
Veteran
Joined
Nov 10, 2016
Messages
2,076
Reaction score
4,204
First Language
English, French
Primarily Uses
RMVXA
So I've been writing a novel lately... If anybody wants to read the little bit I have, here it is :) I appreciate feedback!
Note: may contain violence and language
"Get him!"
"Kick his ass!"
Cyler leapt back panting and wiped the sweat off his forehead. He looked up and glared darkly at the boy a few feet in front of him, who looked just as menacing.
This all happened because Cyler walked into the lunch room and headed to the long line of students all talking loudly to each other to hear each other over all the students talking loudly to each other. Stepping into line he reached into his pocket to ensure that he had his lunch money, then a junior stepped in front of him in line. Cyler happened to know him - Jonathan was his name.
Cyler folded his arms and said, "Screw off."
Jonathan turned around and looked at Cyler. "What did you say, freshie?"
Cyler reiterated with a little less confidence, "Yeah, you heard me...screw off."
Jonathan grinned a little then threw a sudden uppercut to Cyler's mouth. It connected and a shot of pain reverberated from it. Cyler touched his mouth; it was wet with blood.
"You'll pay for that, rear end in a top hat," hissed Cyler, and pocketing his lunch money shoved Jonathan backwards. Unfortuntely Cyler wasn't gifted with strong muscles, nor really any muscles it seemed, and the move didn't work as he expected. But he was agile, and Cyler quickly leapt backwards.
"Don't mess with me, man," growled Jonathan and came after him. By this time a small crowd had grown around them and several students were cheering on one or the other; mainly the freshman and sophomores were on Cyler's side, while the juniors and seniors were on that of Jonathan.
Suddenly one of the three security guards walked up to the fight and came in between Cyler and Jonathan.
"Break it up everyone. And you two..." He glanced between Cyler and Jonathan - "I'll let this go, just this once. But I suggest that both of you don't do anything like this anymore."
"Well, he -" Cyler broke off halfway through the statement that "he started it" and just nodded. Jonathan replied, "Yes sir," in, as Cyler thought, obvious false humility.
The security guard nodded and walked away. By that time it wasn't too long till the next class, and anyways Cyler noticed he'd lost his appetite. So he headed off to Geometry with a grim expression. On the way he noticed a girl he secretly liked named Melissa, who just happened to already have a boyfriend - Jonathan himself, and Cyler hated him because he had already taken Melissa, though Cyler wouldn't admit it.
Ten or so minutes later, Ms. Moon, Cyler's geometry teacher, opened the door to the classroom. She was one of those female teachers who act as if every teenager is a little girl just come fresh into Kindergarten.
"Come on in, children," she said in a forced cheery voice with an attempt to be sweet. Everyone filed in behind her. Cyler glanced around as he was entering and saw a girl he recognized. She was strange, he thought. She had purple hair and seemed to wear only black; her hair covered her eyes. Cyler shrugged and continued inside.
"Today we will be studying the Pythagorean Theorem," Ms. Moon said as she walked to the front of the class. Everyone was still getting adjusted, shuffling in their seats and taking out school supplies. "Can anyone tell me what the Pythagorean theorem is?"
Cyler frowned at the question. Of course he had no idea. Cyler wasn't what you'd call a bright student, or even a moderately intelligent one. Cyler's report card not long ago had read, "F, D, D, C". His C was in P.E., in which a failing grade would humble you to the ground.
Ms. Moon looked unfazed. "No? Well, that's why you all are here!" She picked up a dry erase marker and moved to the board, then drew a triangle sporting a fancy right angle with an arrow pointing to it and began to speak on the topic.
Cyler sat in the back row, and for a particular reason. There he wasn't as likely to get called on, and also he could sneak some earbuds in at times. Now was one of these times, he decided, so he took out his smartphone, plugged in a pair of earbuds and put them in his ears. Rock blazed through the speakers, totally tuning out Ms. Moon's voice and her lectures.
Unknown to him, at that moment Ms. Moon decided to call on Cyler, without knowing he wasn't paying any sort of attention. "Cyler," she called, "If you have a right triangle and sides 'a' and 'b' are equal, what are the measures of the two acute angles?"
The class tittered, because a majority of them were fully aware that Cyler wasn't listening. Ms. Moon waited a moment then walked over to Cyler, who had his eyes closed. A ruler in hand, she rapped on Cyler's desk, which got his attention.
"Cyler, young man, get those foul things out of your ears and listen!"
Well, he did so, but not very nicely. Standing up from his seat and looking Ms. Moon in the face, he said, "Why?"
The class ooed at the comment, and Ms. Moon looked a little fazed, but quickly recovered herself. "Because you need a proper education, and that is what I intend to give you."
Cyler smiled sarcastically and motioned around the room. "In what, this shithole?" he shot at her. The class ooed again and Ms. Moon spun around glaring daggers.
"Yes, exactly, and that will get you a one-way ticket to the vice principal's office," she retaliated promptly. Teachers always could do this kind of thing to students, Cyler contemplated as he followed Ms. Moon to her desk to obtain a hall pass.
A few minutes later, Cyler was sitting in the vice principal's office in one of the two other chairs.
"So, I hear you were very disrespectful to Ms. Moon and beat up another boy-Jonathan?"
"Wha- he beat up me; he punched me in the mouth and tried to do more!" Cyler nearly shouted.
The vice principal didn't skip a beat. "Don't yell at me, young man. Your situation doesn't look very good." She placed her arms into the steeple position and stared Cyler down. "If this behavior continues...you *will* be expelled. Mark my words. Dismissed."
Cyler stared at the vice principal a little longer with pursed lips and then stalked out of the room silently.
 

l8rose

Neeeeerd
Veteran
Joined
Jun 1, 2014
Messages
371
Reaction score
1,207
First Language
English
Primarily Uses
RMMV
While you are off to a good start, remember your first chapter is what sets the stage for the rest of your novel. It has to both hook the reader to make them want to continue reading as well as hint at the journey ahead. From this, I just see a boy tumbling very quickly from trouble to trouble and I have no idea what's meant to be happening next.
 

Oddball

Veteran
Veteran
Joined
Sep 4, 2014
Messages
1,683
Reaction score
451
First Language
English
Primarily Uses
N/A
Cyler seems like a flat charecter. Basicly his only trait is thug and i had to force myself to keep reading, because there is nothing redeeming about him. I can see why Melissa is not with him and would be surprised if she ends up with him. Though at the same time, not surprised sense your probably going to write it that way anyway

Unless his charecter development is being humbled and becoming a little less of an ass. Learning when to pick his battles and becoming genuinly kinder and more compassionate. I'm not going to be interested in reading more
 

mgnsh

Villager
Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2015
Messages
20
Reaction score
19
First Language
English
Primarily Uses
It seems like you're off to a decent start. I would say that for revisions of this chapter, or future chapters, more hints as to who Cyler is as a person will be needed. Maybe he has quirks no one else knows about or would expect given his demeanor, maybe he has a more complex history than he lets on? The first chapter is where the reader gets to know the character. It also serves as a setup for how the character will change as the story goes on and what challenges he/she will experience. Development is definitely something you'll need if you want to keep this moving. Also, you'll want to work on your prose more so the reader is grabbed from the first sentence and doesn't want to stop reading. Take some of your favorite books and see how the authors change their characters over the course of the story. Identify why you like the story. Pick a favorite character and write down why you like them. What traits do they have that you admire? What flaws do they have that they need to work through?

I hope those tips help. Good luck!
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 1)

Latest Threads

Latest Profile Posts

I really need to stop thinking there are new freebies just because someone made a new post in the freebies subforum lol.
AND just like that..... I got STEAM DLC up and working! YES!
Game making is like a marathon, except the last 1/4 is more like sprint... a very long and intense sprint.
Finally got to finish the demo for my project!
Another week has gone by. Maybe you made changes to your project/s. Maybe you didn't. Nonetheless, THAT IS NO EXCUSE TO NOT BACK THEM UP O_O!

Forum statistics

Threads
93,440
Messages
912,433
Members
122,963
Latest member
curos
Top