Plot and Character Feedback

[Cartridge]

@Cartridge

Sounds like a solid story.

I wonder why the Duke feels it wholly necessary for ethnic cleansing, and how the people appointed this man in the first place~

Yes the story has some major holes atm but 'be fixin that.

Why would anyone appoint a Duke like that hmmm.... maybe birthright? 

Maybe they didn't know that he was like that in the first place.. dammit gotta rethink that part indeed! You gave me some good ideas to think about.

 

[amicable]

well uh, why was any leader fond of ethnic cleansing elected? (i don't think i have to name the most famous one)
do a little research into their rises to power should give you a good idea of why they were elected when they were, and what the situation was in the country at the time that made people consider it to be a good idea

 

[Cartridge]

well uh, why was any leader fond of ethnic cleansing elected? (i don't think i have to name the most famous one)

do a little research into their rises to power should give you a good idea of why they were elected when they were, and what the situation was in the country at the time that made people consider it to be a good idea

I think I get the person you describe here. He became ruler because he promised (and did it) better times and work for everyone. Then he used a clever political game to became supreme ruler and voila. Yea I looked up some ways. The only problem really left is why he hates them so much -___- I can't seem to find a satisfactional reason for this duke (who is secretly a warlock of 384 years old, arrr!) to hate other races. I'll find a reason.

I changed a bit in the plot, merely some details about the protagonist and the mysterious man:

The protagonist is a bounty hunter (aka mercenary killer) who gets hired by the new duke to kill one of his enemys (a head-spy) the protagonists does this, but fails as this man is a skilled fighter. The protagonist is arrested and locked into jail.

The head spy asks her how she know who he was and why she wanted to kill him. the protagonist has nothing to lose so she tells him everything.

He is concerend, as this is a confirmation to his theory: The Duke is up to something. So then the old plot follows, they fly to the mountain etc, etc.

'Think it's a better way to let the two characters meet, what about you guys?

PS is Ezegiël a good, pronouncable (for English native speakers) name?

 

[Ratty524]

Seems like a decent, strong story to me sir. The only thing that bothers me is that you described two moments of major coincedence , being a solo-survivor which automatically gives that person an invincible feel. Maybe you want to alter that part to like three survivors where two of them get killed? dunno, just throwing in some random things.

Thanks for the feedback, and looking back I'm kind of aware of how ridiculous it sounds. What I'm thinking of doing is have the king give the hero some sort of magical something before his trip to ensure that he makes it out of the explosion alive (SPOILER: The airship "accident" is really King Enguard's own doing). This way, the think relationship between Oreh and the king would be better indicated, and the survival wouldn't feel so much like complete luck. I don't think anyone can realistically survive from an airship explosion without some sort of aid anyway.

 

[BlackRoseMii]

I'd like to have some feedback and inspiration for this idea:

I've been thinking about making a story my brother and me where making in our childhood into a game. I've pretty much the whole story now, but I lack one important thing: The title.

The story is about a mercenary who earns his money through quests. He has some friends who accompany him on those quests. The main story is, that there is some kind of organisation that is constantly searching for the greatest power (pretty unoriginal, but what would you expect of a 11 years old child?) At the beginning, the head of the organisation is just a normal guy who has a quest for you. But during the story you come across a spirit/elemental type of tribe. The organisation already knew of this tribe and made a scientist develope an even more powerful artificial monster inspired by this tribe. (This was years before this story started) But the scientist killed himself to seal this monster who went out of control and his soul lives on in it. The only way to free him is to kill the monster. But that wasn't the end. After that, the group finds out, what the most powerful might on earth is: A spirit that controls life and death. It can even bring back the dead. But this spirit was divided into two souls: One being sealed in a lake and one being reborn as a human. This human is one of your group. There's still more, but that would be definitly spoilers.
Conclusion: This game has a huge reference to souls. And I'd like to include that into the title, but nothing comes to my mind. Any ideas?

I would be glad if one of you could help me ^^°

 

[Ratty524]

I'd like to have some feedback and inspiration for this idea:

I've been thinking about making a story my brother and me where making in our childhood into a game. I've pretty much the whole story now, but I lack one important thing: The title.

The story is about a mercenary who earns his money through quests. He has some friends who accompany him on those quests. The main story is, that there is some kind of organisation that is constantly searching for the greatest power (pretty unoriginal, but what would you expect of a 11 years old child?) At the beginning, the head of the organisation is just a normal guy who has a quest for you. But during the story you come across a spirit/elemental type of tribe. The organisation already knew of this tribe and made a scientist develope an even more powerful artificial monster inspired by this tribe. (This was years before this story started) But the scientist killed himself to seal this monster who went out of control and his soul lives on in it. The only way to free him is to kill the monster. But that wasn't the end. After that, the group finds out, what the most powerful might on earth is: A spirit that controls life and death. It can even bring back the dead. But this spirit was divided into two souls: One being sealed in a lake and one being reborn as a human. This human is one of your group. There's still more, but that would be definitly spoilers.

Conclusion: This game has a huge reference to souls. And I'd like to include that into the title, but nothing comes to my mind. Any ideas?

I would be glad if one of you could help me ^^°

I feel like the most obvious fallacy with this story is that it's kind of unfocused. It starts off being about mercenaries who take a quest from a greedy corporation, then it turns around to finding out about some god divided into souls, and some scientist... Meh. It feels very confusing and jumbled. I would choose one story to focus on ( I like the first one with the corporation) and build the rest of the story around that. If you really want to keep those other two ideas, though, I suggest modifying them so that they still feel like they belong with the central idea of the story, and not something totally new altogether. My two cents.

 

[C-C-C-Cashmere]

 but I lack one important thing: The title.

She wants title ideas, Ratty.

Blessed Souls X

Blitz Souls

Soul Portal

Souls of Mercenaries: White Time

Souls of Mystic

Infinity: Blitz of the Soul

Soul's Star

Mercenary Soul Omega

Mercenary: Blitz of the Evil Soul

 

[Ratty524]

She wants title ideas, Ratty.

She also wanted feedback on her idea.

I'd like to have some feedback and inspiration for this idea

 

[BlackRoseMii]

I know that my description was pretty confusing and there are still pieces missing to fill in the story gaps. But believe me, the organisation is still a top topic at the end.

Spoiler

The organisation knows about the strongest power as well of course and kidnappes the human that is one half of it.

And about the mercenary thing: That's just the job of the main protagonist. It hasn't really much to do with the story itself. I just didn't want him to be unemployed. The others have other jobs.

But I wonder about the titles: They are quite good, but why are there some with "Blitz" in it? Oo

 

[sabao]

I feel like the most obvious fallacy with this story is that it's kind of unfocused. It starts off being about mercenaries who take a quest from a greedy corporation, then it turns around to finding out about some god divided into souls, and some scientist... Meh. It feels very confusing and jumbled. I would choose one story to focus on ( I like the first one with the corporation) and build the rest of the story around that. If you really want to keep those other two ideas, though, I suggest modifying them so that they still feel like they belong with the central idea of the story, and not something totally new altogether. My two cents.

Most stories of this scale start off with short term goals that are only barely tangential to the larger plot. The proposed plot reminds me a lot of FF7 in its flow and well, mostly everything.

Much like FF7, the focus starts small with a small band of eco-rebels wanting to take Shinra the evil corporation down. In their quest to do so, they find several other dirty secrets the corporations held as well as several other key players involved. The mission and focus then shifted to larger things like saving the world against would-be alien gods.

 

[BlackRoseMii]

The similarities are completly by coincidence. I've never played any Final Fantasy game in my life. Neither do I know their plots.

 

[Protagonist]

Ok, I'm not too great with describing my plot but please be considerate, and I would appreciate the feedback as I have not currently finished the plot. WARNING - I am unable to avoid any spoilers so read at your own risk.

You play as Reul, a common adventurer with a strong heart and good fighting hand. At the beginning of the game you look outside and see how great of a day it looks. So you decide that a drink at the local pub is an order!

Upon having a drink at Crest Water Pub you have a long hearted conversation with the bartender. He speaks of a Necromancer pillaging the very lands of which you live. The bartender states that The King needs all the men he can get and you don't have anything better to do so decide that you should enlist.

The King doesn't believe that you are the material you are looking for so he sends you through a side-quest to prove your worth (I have yet to decide what this side-quest shall be about).

This is as far as I have got in creating the plot, I'm not too sure if it's all that great but if you wish to attempt to add to the plot then feel free.

 

[DancingDrake]

@Protagonist

I think that your plot could do with a bit more motivation for Reul.

What is his motivation to join the fight against the Necromancer?

Because he is bored or has nothing else to do doesn't cut it for me as to why someone would risk their life for something.

With that said maybe you have thought about his motivation but just forgot to include it. Is he risking his life to protect the lands in which he lives? Is he so bored that it has reached a stage where he thirsts for the adventure and challenges of his past? Does he want recognition that he believes that he will get from the King if he helps him deal with this necromancer? Has the necromancer wronged him in the past and he wants revenge?

Either way you need a motivation to give the character a reason to do what he does.

 

[fathippie]

@Protaginist

I'd love to see the young guy enlist simply due to the fact that he got tanked at the pub and signed up. Make him a character that doesnt actually give two ****s about the cause...sure he can change over the game but it sounds like you dont have much and I'd like to see this.

 

[ThomasHarris]

Hi, so here is my idea and I have been changing it to be more believable as possible, so with that in mind, it will be a group of coworkers who accidentally end up on a parallel universe

Multiverse Concept

Spoiler

The multiverse (or meta-universe) is the hypothetical set of infinite or finite possible universes (including the historical universe we consistently experience) that together comprise everything that exists and can exist: the entirety of space, time, matter, and energy as well as the physical laws and constants that describe them. The term was coined in 1895 by the American philosopher and psychologist William James. The various universes within the multiverse are sometimes called parallel universes.

In this case that parallel universe difference is that Pearl Harbor was never attacked during WWII then USA never got involved making the Nazis able to win it and conquer Europe, for the past years they have continue making experiments with science and magic(that is still believed to exist in that universe) one experiment caused the coworkers to ended up on the parallel universe. 

What I'm looking here besides feedback about the story are ideas about what else could be different on that parallel universe since the Nazis won, did they conquered the entire world? only europe? the United Nation was never formed? technology has not been able to advance that much that we might not have even the internet... Israel doesn´t exist but Jewish people still do and are part of the rebels? I'm looking for any kind of change that this could have caused...

Also my game I´m doing it based on the Schala Battle System if it makes any difference on the vision of how it will look.

Thanks for any feedback.

 

[fathippie]

@ThomasHarris-

In a parallel universe, Nazis win WW2; what could be different?

Phew...that's a juicy burger. There are a number of books that take a look at this very question. Some more analytical than others. I like PK Dick's, Man in the High Castle. It's an alternative history in this universe that you speak of. In this story the U.S. has been split by Germany and Japan. Japan on the west coast and Germany on the East. So in your story... you could very well think about what DID Japan do? If they didn't attack Pearl Harbor...what did they do?

Most importantly is what do you want your characters to achieve?...if you know where they are going, you can have fun getting them there. But the changes in this alternative history are limitless...especially since you're just making it up. You need to tighten the focus with you main goal before you get lost along the way.

 

[Chinese Electric Batman]

Okay, so if I use this idea, it's going to be a massive spoiler. So be warned if I use the idea and you play the game.

Background on this idea; I've been having this character floating around in my head for awhile, before I even thought about getting RPG VX ACE, but I decided to wait until I'm confident with my RPG VX ACE skills before I use it. That said, it would be good to get feedback on it before I start. So, here goes.

EDIT: I also wanted to point out that this is just one version of the same character, there are multiple different ways I have thought of interpreting the idea.

Spoiler

Setting: Japan (who would have guessed), modern times.Story: You play a fifteen year old, socially awkward kid named Shepherd. He moved to Japan about three months ago with his mother, who is the CEO of a multinational company, for business purposes. He is finally getting used to life in Japan, although he doesn't really have any friends, although being a nice person. He is also good at analyzing situations, and estimating how they will turn out, probably a skill derived from him playing video games for so long. One day as he is going out to buy the latest Shonen Jump (a collection of Japanese Comics), he notices a girl from his school, named Mizuno, at the crosswalk he is coming up to. The light flashes to walk and she starts walking through the street, but she doesn't notice a car coming straight towards her, as she has headphones in. The driver of the car is drunk, and he isn't going to stop. Shepherd decides to push her out of the way, getting hit himself. He wakes up in a pitch black abyss. When he finaly finds a bonfire, he meets another character. This character looks like an older version of himself, and asks him why he saved the her. Shepherd(15) explains that he knew she had a large family that would mourn her loss(when you are ignored you can pick up information much easier), while his mother would hardly notice his death. After a short conversation, Shepherd(15) wakes up in a hospital bed, and finds out he had been in a coma for the past three days. Soon after waking up, Mizuno comes to his hospital room, and explains to him how she had visited him every day, as she found it sad how none of Shepherd's family visited him. The two become friends, and after being discharged from the hospital and going back to school, people start to talk to him (although he is still socially awkward). But since he left the hospital, he has been having strange, extremely lifelike dreams in which he is in a strange world set in a somewhat medieval times, although there is a strange combination of magic and technology being used as well. He soon comes to realize that the dreams are very reminiscent of his day, and he also soon finds that things that happen to people in his dreams affect their real world counter parts to some extent.

Basically the idea of the story, granted a very bare bones version of it.

 

[fathippie]

CE Batman - Sounds very cool. Can you give us some idea of how his dream connection will affect the real world? What will the hero's quest be?

 

[Chinese Electric Batman]

CE Batman - Sounds very cool. Can you give us some idea of how his dream connection will affect the real world? What will the hero's quest be?

Again, this may be massive spoilers if I use the idea, so spoiler.

Spoiler

I was thinking that while it seems that it's happening in his head as a dream, in reality he is going to different worlds in another sort of "form" of himself. The universe of the story is kinda a multiverse, but instead of the usual multiverse in which there is a universe for each choice a person makes (what I refer to as the mind **** multiverse), but instead there are a large number of "universes" in which there are some differences. IE. one "universe" may have a form of magic, while one may not, ect. The main character doesn't know that, so his only goal (to begin with) is to keep the people in his "dream" safe, so the real person isn't affected. As a side note, he may not keep the strength that he has while in his dream, but he retains his memories of all his fights, ie. he becomes an experienced fighter. So he doesn't really become physically stronger in the real world, but he becomes a more experienced one.

 

[Beak]

Okay so this will take some explaining.

I am a primary school teacher. (Elementary teacher to the Americans present.)

I have a drama game with my class, where the children have designed, mapped, and governed their own world. As an end of year treat, I have decided to make a game starring the kids, and based in their made up world (Named Bevelle after the FFX city)

General plot: 

During a normal day in class, Mr B(Me) mysteriously transforms into an old magical man. He casts a spell which teleports the entire class group across the cosmos to the land of Bevelle. All the children remember their real selves and lives, but are very excited by this new world. We follow Aimee, Abbie, and Niall as they travel Bevelle, looking for their classmates and searching for a way home.

As they find classmates (in their respective countries from the Drama Game) the party are attacked by various monsters. It eventually transpires that the Lord of Imagination, a demonic wizard who lives off the power of imagination, transported the children to Bevelle. Their imagination was so powerful that he was able to actually create the world to make it a real place.

However, the children's imagination was SO strong that being in the world they created made them stronger than the Lord of Imagination. Big climatic battle and BAM they return to the classroom with the adults of their lives none the wiser.