Plot and Character Feedback

[Fablesinger]

Oh, I have a LOT to talk about, but here's the general plot?

My story starts with Getsuko (also known as Getsuhime) escaping from her burning castle. She's greeted by her friend Tomoko (a shrine maiden) who teleports her to another world. Akihito, one of the main villains, show up and kills Tomoko. Getsuko wakes up to someone rustling about, cleaning the house. Eliaza, the main character of my game's story, notices that getsuko has awoken and calls her to the kitchen where she introduces herself and tells Getsuko where she is. Initially confused, Eliaza (also known as Ellie) and Getsuko travels to the forest where Getsuko was found to see if they could find some answers.

Getsuko tells Ellie that she's from another world and Ellie tells Getsuko that she was rumored to be descendants from another world. Ellie also tells Getsuko that her parents are missing. The pair is attacked by the forest guardian, and they investigate the cause for its aggressiveness. They speak to an Old Woman who took care of Ellie and they learn from her that the world is decaying and that the south is already reduced to nothingness. They run into some mercenaries, but they flee after being beaten up. The old woman tells them to look for Tehoz, who's the captain of the Royal Guards. They go to the capitol only to find out that the King is also looking for her. They return to the Old woman who writes them a letter to Tehoz to use as a pass. The two are attacked by the same mercenaries, but Ellie decides to bribe them with money. The two (incompetant) Mercs join the team. They travel through the sewers to find Tehoz, but he isnt there. Upon returning to the Old Woman's house, they meet Tehoz. Tehoz plans on turning them in, but put that on hold as they are attacked by other mercs. They travel to the south to see what's going on. The spirit of Tomoko visits Getsuko and tells her that her father is Akihito. They go travel to the southern capitol where they confront Akihito. The Government was actually helping Akihito to capture the princess. Akihito sends the King's men to fight the group, but they back down per the King's orders. Enraged, Akihito fights them himself. As he is dying, he reveals his past. He was the second child of the Royal family. His brother overshadowed him and stole the only person he loved. She died giving birth to Getsuko and was replaced by another woman. Akihito, driven mad by the king, rapes a shrine maiden, forcing the door to another world to be opened. He is banished by the King for such an intolerable act. Tomoko is then born from the raped Shrine Maiden. Tomoko is raised as a shrine maiden and befriends Getsuko. Akihito finally dies and Tomoko comes to guide his soul to the underworld. With Akihito dead, they think that peace would be restored to Eheal. However, a week later, nothing has changed. Suspicious, the group decides to go investigate. Tehoz ends up falling in love with Getsuko. The group finds out that the King is partially responsible for more decay. While confronting the King, the King tells Ellie that her parents were captured by him to be used for their magic. It is also revealed to Ellie that since she was born when the gate was forced open, Ellie is the strongest mage in over 400 years. It is also revealed that her parents had escaped into the other world. Tehoz must choose between the love of his life or the loyalty to the king. Tehoz's final descision kills him, enabling the defeat of the King and the sending of Getsuko back to her world (our world/ Japan). Getsuko is pushed onwards by Ellie, who refuses to leave with her. "I have to stay to save this world. Say hi to my parents for me." In a heartfelt, tear filled final farewell, Ellie and Getsuko are separated and Ellie closes the door for good. The vacuum of magic has stopped and Getsuko is back in Japan, who takes the crown and rules her people. The two mercs go their separate ways and moves back to the south side of Eheal and helps restore fallen cities. Tehoz is given a Royal Burial (one that a king would get in Eheal). The King's body is incinerated by Ellie (as it is fit for Tyrants). Ellie spends her days with the Old Lady to explore deep into magic so that one day she could bring back peace to Eheal.

The End! (This is a super summarized version)

 

[Samven]

Honestly... I'm confused on many levels. Now, before I begin, bear in mind that this does not necessarily mean you have a bad idea. It just means that you may wish to address a few things.

First of all, this otherworldly teleportation... Is that something that only Tomoko can do or is it inherent to all shrine maidens? Likewise, why does defeating the king send Getsuko back to her world? Is there a spell that he's put on that blocks teleportation and the only way to lift it is to kill him? And how exactly does raping somebody open the door between the worlds? This just doesn't make any sense to me.

Some of your villains seem to lack motivation, too. Why does Akihito want to kill Tomoko? What's his reason for being evil? Why does the government want to help Akihito kidnap the princess? Do they need her for something, is he blackmailing them, or are they just in the business of being evil for kicks? And what is the king's goal? He sounds like the Big Bad, so naturally he should have some master plan but I'm not really seeing anything beyond someone who acts like a tyrant because he acts like a tyrant. A villain whose only driving force is a commitment to one-upping Charles Manson in the atrocity stakes is just not very compelling. Think about why these characters act the way they do. Even if the king's goal is just something like taking over the world because he believes his rule will maintain order, that's fine. At least we have an end and some way of understanding why he chooses his means to it (ie: through force because it's easier to frighten people into making them obey you than it is to do it through love and respect).

On another note, why does Akihito get a spirit guide after he dies? The guy is a rapist, a kidnapper and quite frankly sounds like a complete monster: being driven insane or no. If you want him to be sympathetic in his dying moments, you probably don't want to have him mention that he raped an innocent woman. By all rights, this man sounds like he deserves to burn.

And, speaking of Akihito, throwing rape into the backstory is kind of shockingly dark swerve for a story that, thus far, has sounding fairly light-to-moderate on the Fantasy Darkness Scale. I'm really not sure what kind of tone you're going for here.

There is a tellable story in here but I advise you to do some trimming, think about who's who, why they're doing what they're doing and how your world works.

 

[Fablesinger]

@ Samven

First of all, this otherworldly teleportation... Is that something that only Tomoko can do or is it inherent to all shrine maidens? Likewise, why does defeating the king send Getsuko back to her world? Is there a spell that he's put on that blocks teleportation and the only way to lift it is to kill him? And how exactly does raping somebody open the door between the worlds? This just doesn't make any sense to me.

To answer the first question, the teleportation spell could only be used by Tomoko in her world because she was the child of someone who was defiled (Shrine Maidens are supposed to be pure and virigns, and they have a way with the gods). She's also the child of Akihito because he had raped one of the Shrine Maidens who later gave birth to Tomoko. The only way to open the door in that world is if you had the ability (and only Tomoko had it at that point in time) or if you commiitted sacrilege. Also, Ellie turns out to be one of the very few people who could send people through to the other world due to the fact that she was born during the first opening of the door between worlds and since she's a descendant of someone from the other world. They had to first deal with the king, of course. And then Ellie, using her powers, opens the door and sends Getsuko home, and then seals it off for good. However, to do that, they needed blood that was given through self sacrifice (sounds cliche, but yea). Tehoz threw himself in front Getsuko to protect her from the King's final attempt to use her. SO Ellie was able to open and close the gate after all.

Some of your villains seem to lack motivation, too. Why does Akihito want to kill Tomoko? What's his reason for being evil? Why does the government want to help Akihito kidnap the princess? Do they need her for something, is he blackmailing them, or are they just in the business of being evil for kicks? And what is the king's goal? He sounds like the Big Bad, so naturally he should have some master plan but I'm not really seeing anything beyond someone who acts like a tyrant because he acts like a tyrant. A villain whose only driving force is a commitment to one-upping Charles Manson in the atrocity stakes is just not very compelling. Think about why these characters act the way they do. Even if the king's goal is just something like taking over the world because he believes his rule will maintain order, that's fine. At least we have an end and some way of understanding why he chooses his means to it (ie: through force because it's easier to frighten people into making them obey you than it is to do it through love and respect).

Akihito killed Tomoko because she could open the door to the other world. By killing her, Akihito kept that door open and allowed him to go to the other world to find the Princess. He's evil because his elder brother, Getsuko's father, always overshadowed him, causing a certain resentment. However, when Getsuko's father became the king, he saw Akihito's lover and wanted her. Akihito has ever only loved that woman, but the king took her from him. When she died giving birth to Getsuko, she was immediately replaced like an object. So Getsuko was raised by another woman whom she thought was her birth mother. Furthermore, Akihito does not realize that Tomoko was his daughter.

As for the King, he wants to rule the other world as well. However, since he can't go to the other world with the help of someone from the other world, he wants to use Getsuko. He seemingly helps Akihito, but in reality, he's just using him to get to Getsuko and would eventually have used Akihito as well. Yes, he's the big bad but you would have thought it was Akihito at first (sort of like a plot twist). The king just wants to be the supreme ruler of both worlds. This is why the King tried to use Ellie's parents as well (since one of them is a descendant of someone from the other world).

On another note, why does Akihito get a spirit guide after he dies? The guy is a rapist, a kidnapper and quite frankly sounds like a complete monster: being driven insane or no. If you want him to be sympathetic in his dying moments, you probably don't want to have him mention that he raped an innocent woman. By all rights, this man sounds like he deserves to burn.

And, speaking of Akihito, throwing rape into the backstory is kind of shockingly dark swerve for a story that, thus far, has sounding fairly light-to-moderate on the Fantasy Darkness Scale. I'm really not sure what kind of tone you're going for here.

While that may be true, Tomoko's spirit (Akihito's daughter) forgave him in the end and shows up to take Akihito's soul away. Whether or not he burns is not mentioned as it is not the main character's nor the player's job to judge him.

While it may be true that it seems too dark for this light-ish story, I think it plays an essential role in telling the story. It helps to explain why Tomoko could open the door to the other world while others (besides Ellie) cannot.

The way people in Ellie's world open the door is by having incredible magic powers and they have to be from Getsuko's world. While in Getsuko's world, you have to be born from a defiled person (and in this case, a Shrine Maiden).

Thanks for your feedback, did I make it any clearer? x.x

 

[Samven]

Aye. It's good that you have some explanation as to why all of these things happen as your summary said a lot but didn't convey much.

I still think you need to come to a decision about your tone but it's good to see that you've given this more thought than your initial post let on. Well done. : )

 

[Fablesinger]

Aye. It's good that you have some explanation as to why all of these things happen as your summary said a lot but didn't convey much.

I still think you need to come to a decision about your tone but it's good to see that you've given this more thought than your initial post let on. Well done. : )

Thank you for such kind words! The main plot is there, but I might need to revise and edit, take out and add. Things like that. I still have to add some dimensions to my character because right now, they're a bit flat personality wise *fail*

 

[Samven]

Not a worry. Keep at it!

 

[RyanA]

It's good, as Sanven said, it seems youve put a lot of thought in this, but I too think you need to decide the tone of your story. Usually stories that are light and fluffy and then go all serious leaves the reader/player a little bit dissoriented, at least thats what happens to me, your left wondering what happened to all the smiley faces a moment ago.

If your going to put in bits of both, I'd suggest more dark tones to balance it out, otherwise I would put all that defilement stuff away and replace it with something else, like maybe Tomoko was originally from this kings world and escaped, found Getsuhime then decided to send her back to her old world so she could defeat the evil king and bring super happy smiles back to everyone.

 

[Samven]

An astute observation, RyanA.

 

[Fablesinger]

It's good, as Sanven said, it seems youve put a lot of thought in this, but I too think you need to decide the tone of your story. Usually stories that are light and fluffy and then go all serious leaves the reader/player a little bit dissoriented, at least thats what happens to me, your left wondering what happened to all the smiley faces a moment ago.

If your going to put in bits of both, I'd suggest more dark tones to balance it out, otherwise I would put all that defilement stuff away and replace it with something else, like maybe Tomoko was originally from this kings world and escaped, found Getsuhime then decided to send her back to her old world so she could defeat the evil king and bring super happy smiles back to everyone.

Yes, I think I WILL go with the Darker Tones. Thank you guys for all your advices. Give me more if you guys think of em. I'll need all the feedback as I can get.

 

[Xeon]

My idea is not very fleshed out, so bear with me. Here is the basic premise: Imagine a typical hero vs villain story. In this alternate world, the hero fails and the villain conquers the world. Darkness and oppression overtake the people as the victorious villain affirms his influence. The ex-hero, now disillusioned and broken due to his failure retreats to the lesser populated villages. I like the idea of showing flashbacks of his past failure to save the world.

In this dark new world, the ex-hero, now a callous individual whose lost his moral compass, strives to survive. He hunts down the remnants of the faerie kin to steal their precious magic and sell it on the black market. This is where I'm a bit uncertain. I want the main character to do something a bit abhorrent like this, but it doesn't necessarily have to be what I described. He does it mainly to survive and make money, but also out of anger (perhaps the faerie kin failed him in his past quest). He could also do something else to survive, something morally gray, triggered by the events of his failure.

At some point I want the reality of his actions to hit him in the gut. I want him to be destroyed and fully see what he's become and acknowledge his failure.

If he's hunting faerie kin, I think it would be interesting if they turned out to be the last key to freeing the world from bondage. However, due to his history of hunting them, they mistrust and hate him, so there is a tense relationship that must be rebuilt.

For what it's worth, I drew some inspiration from tv shows like Breaking Bad and Weeds and wanted to adapt a similar sort of idea to a fantasy setting. I cynically considered "what if the fantasy world turned out like things usually do in real world", and then I thought of what the emotional damage it might have on the failed hero and what he might do in the aftermath of his failure to survive in life.

 

[RyanA]

If I'm honest, it's a good idea but to me, it doesn't sound very fun. I can see a lot of potential with this, but as it stands, I wouldn't play a game with that kind of story.

 

[Xeon]

@RyanA: Maybe that's why shows like Breaking Bad or Weeds use a plot device like smoking pot that a large cross section of the modern population can relate to and doesn't consider "that bad". Or making money to support a family which endears them to the audience. A character murdering faeries to help himself doesn't hit on any of those points. Also, it's hard to find something that the audience can relate to in a fantasy world since we obviously don't live in a fantasy world. Plus, those tv shows also mix in a lot of dark humor to keep the mood light. Hmm...

I want to explore a doomed world setting where the hero failed, but I'm not sure about the details yet.

 

[RyanA]

The Rocky Effect.

Washed up old boxer gets back in the ring and kicks some plump bottoms. :3

Or you could always go with the whole 'anti-hero' thing, doing bad for the greater good. Fairies can be regarded as tricksters, perhaps they offered their help to the hero but secretly sided with the big bad and helped subjugate the world, all while in the shadows, so the world still saw them as 'good' creatures, thus your hero would be considered 'evil' for killing them.

Or smoething

 

[Xeon]

Yeah, the Rocky Effect! That's a good way to describe it. The hero fails and the world falls into darkness. Haunted by his past, he goes into a downward spiral, perhaps surviving by questionable moral means. Then some sort of plot device sets him in motion to claw his way out of the emotional abyss and conquer his past. It's not really a story of redemption but of conquering failure.

I guess I still have to push some ideas around on paper. I'd like to see where this premise goes...

Or you could always go with the whole 'anti-hero' thing, doing bad for the greater good. Fairies can be regarded as tricksters, perhaps they offered their help to the hero but secretly sided with the big bad and helped subjugate the world, all while in the shadows, so the world still saw them as 'good' creatures, thus your hero would be considered 'evil' for killing them.

Oh, I like that. I might have to mull that over a bit.

 

[RyanA]

There ya go! Throw in some optimistic young hero who reminds the ex hero of his past as a party member/plot device and away you go!

 

[Luminous Warrior]

And, maybe have his ex-team member and old love interest who helped him keep his moral compass straight die sometime before the events of the game, maybe at the hands of the fairies. Also, I think that, at the end, the ex-hero and his party should die, but, in the process, defeat the villain. But not restore peace, that still has to be done by others, but it's a major step towards restoring peace.

 

[Asclepius]

Can someone comment on mine no seem to yet, sorry for begging just feeling left out .

 

[RyanA]

Sorry! It sounds alright so far, but would need to hear more details before I could give any real advice. 3:

 

[Asclepius]

Sorry! It sounds alright so far, but would need to hear more details before I could give any real advice. 3:

What do you need to know about the story so far i might be able to give more details if i know what i left out X_X

 

[RyanA]

More about this 'bio weapon' why they want to take over the world, why the other nations stopped trading, ECT.