Plot and Character Feedback

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LootHunter

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I've read your "script", part of it anyway. The first thing that comes in mind - how are you going to implement all that in RPGMaker? Some moments can be made into cut-scenes, but not all. And in fact you shouldn't rely on cut-scenes, but allow player to play as protagonist.

Personally, I would scrap the whole Chaya story entirely, making start from Noah, in whose city strange things begin to happen. People having lapses in their memory (and finding out that they did some crazy things during their memory blanks), some weird electronics malfunctions, energy discharges (which actually target bad people like robbers and bullies). And only later on he would know about Chaya (maybe from Joachim, who came to Eden in search for his protégé).
 

Iliketea

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Hi everyone ^^

This is the game I am working on and I'd like some feedback for the plot :)

Its a fantasy rpg and takes place on a world with 5 continents , North, West, South, East and Central ( not real names, just placeholders).

Each continent has his own culture and architecture , east has eastern/ asia style, South is similar to africa, with deserts and a rain forest, a bit oriental and arabic, etc.

The main character is a girl called Anya.

This is the "creation story" of the worlds only religion, the Pali faith, the church is called Order of Pali.



 
Long, long time ago, this world was just a lifeless place, with dry and brown land and seas made of Lava.But then a bright light appeared and engulfed the whole word.

As soon as the light vanished, a lone figure stepped onto the barren landscape.

But when she looked around she saw that she was alone, and sadness grew in her.

So, from the bottom of her heart, she wished for the land she found herself in to become green and full of live.

And just as she wished, grass began to shoot out of the ground and flowers began to bloom.

The Lava turned into beautiful seas and oceans.

Trees grew on the wide mountains sides and clouds bought rain to water the newly grown plants.

Yet, she still was alone.

So once again, she wished. She wished for small creatures to come to her, with soft fur to pet, she wished for bids to fly, with beautiful feathers and songs to adore. She wished for all kind of live to come to her new found home, to live with her.
And they came. Soon the world was full of live and she was happy.


But no one was there to adore what she created, so for one more time she wished. This time she wished for more intelligent creatures to come to her world. And so, we humans came into live.

She was happy when she saw us, how we made families, how we founded towns and settlements and how we lived in the world she wished for.

But our number grew way quicker then she thought and she realized that she needed help.

So for one last time she wished… she wished for children, her own kind, that she would love and raise, to govern this world alongside her.

And four children appeared in front of her, two boys and two girls, just little infants, and she took and loved her children and raised them till they were grown to be powerful gods.

After that, she laid down, she was tired from all the wishes she wished for and slept in peace, knowing her children would watch the world while she was asleep.

Years passed by and when she awoke she was in shock.

Her children divided the whole world among themselves and each one tried to claim the parts of the others for itself, so that it would be the one and only god.

A horrible war raged between the siblings, and they all created hideous creatures to fight for them.

The weak humans that she created herself suffered under the war and the beasts and demons that destroyed the lands.

She was furious and sad, that she could not trust her own children so she took away their powers and banned them so that they would only be able to come out, once they were truly sorry about their doing and would vow to serve and her creations whole hearty without trying to become the one true god again.

The creature the four gods created were punished for their doings, and were placed beneath the humans so that they would serve them to rebuild the lands they destroyed.

Every being that dared to oppose her was destroyed immediately.

But once every while, some creatures would unite and try to rebel against her and the humans.

And that is when she would send her chosen heroes to the world.

Every time there was a human that stood out from the rest, because of his moral and love for others, for his good deeds in battle or among other people, wise kings and powerful mages, she would summon them to her side and make them her immortal heroes that would serve her for all eternity.

That is the legend of our mother, the great goddess that rules over everything, the great light Pali.



And this is the first part of the synopsis of the game:



The main character Anya Walkers ( last name not final) is 15 years old and was raised by her older brother Bela ( or: Nathan, Eliot, Sascha ( German spelling),  ) in a small city called Rosenheim ( not final).
However, two years ago her brother was chosen to be one of Palis heroes and was summoned to her side. Ever since, Anya was alone.

But she had one goal: to be chosen to be a hero too, so she once again could be with her older brother. So every day she would go to the church and help out as much as she could and trained hard to become a paladin of the Pali order, as she thought that that would be the fastest way for Pali to retokenize her worth and summon her to her brother’s side.

The local priest, Elijah Northhound (a friend of Anya’s brother) helps her with her goal and teaches her the teaching and ways of the church of Pali. He also takes care of Jonas Granat, a childhood friend of Anya who tries to make a living as hunter, who, just like Anya, is an orphan.

One day, a high ranking member of the church wants to visit the town and Elijah askes Anya and Jonas to escort him and act as his personal guard. The member of the church is Melidas Granini (not final) a 13 year old boy.

Melidas was sent to Rosenheim to take care of a problem with some goblins that killed their masters and fled to the region north of the city. Taking care of the goblins means to ban them from this world and since Melidas is only a priest and too weak to do it on his own, Anya and Jonas agree to help him. Priest Elijah tags along too, but doesn’t want to interfere to much as he thinks that this is a fine test for the three of them to see what they can manage on their own.

The Goblin problem gets solved easily and while they walk home, Anya tells Melidas about her brother and her dream. Touched by her story, Melidas decides to take her along to the HQ of the Pali order in (really big and religious city I don’t have a name for yet, names aren’t my strong point).

Anya is happy that she managed to make a huge step towards her dream.

Here, the real spoilers begin, but not the whole story as that would be way to long.



 When they arrive in Rosenheim, it’s already late and they say goodbye and Anya goes home.
In the big and empty house, she starts to feel sad because even though she got a lot closer to her dream, she still misses her brother a lot.

Feeling down she goes to bed, but can’t fall into sleep.

Suddenly she feels a hand gently touching her face and jumps out and reaches for her sword just when the intruder in slight panic asks her to calm down and she realizes that that voice is that of her older brother.

Anya is in shock and her sword falls out of her hand when she runs into the arms of her brother and begins to cry, always holding him really tight to make sure he really is there and that he doesn’t disappears just as sudden as he came back. Just like that, she falls asleep.

The next day she awakes in her bed, covered in her blanket, and she begins to think that yesterday night was just a very nice and realistic dream when she hears sounds coming from the kitchen and the smell of food coming from downstairs. She hurries down the stairs and sees her brother standing in the kitchen while humming and making pancakes.

When Bela notices her, he smiles at her and asks her if she wants to have syrup with the pancakes.

For a second she is dumbfounded at the scene before her, her brother making breakfast as if he never was gone to begin with. But then she catches herself and hugs her brother really tight.

Bela smiles gently at her and places the frying pan at the table and returns the hug and kisses her on the forehead like he always did when she still was a little child. “I am back” he says.

After that, he begins to explain what happened to him and why he suddenly came back.

He indeed was chosen to become a hero of Pali, but he didn’t want to leave his sister alone, so he for a long time refused the summoning. But two years ago, the summons became stronger and stronger and harder to resist. He needed his whole focus to resist them. It was then that is long-time friend Elijah put some drugs in his food to make him unable to refuse the summons. Just when he was about to leave the world, a man he never had seen before came to his rescue and saved him from being sent to Pali.

That man was Tooru Yoshida (not final), the leader of the resistance group against the Order of Pali.

Tooru then explained the whole truth about Pali and her Order to him, as well as the truth about the “Heroes of Pali”

Everyone that was summoned as a hero actually lost his soul and became just a soulless puppet without an own will, that could only obey Palis orders. They were ripped off every human emotions or feelings and became killing machines for her army against the creatures of the four gods.

But not only those that were “worthy” humans were taken by Pali, those that openly against her or those that would dare to oppose her were ripped of their souls and then disposed of so that their souls never would be reincarnated into the world .

That was what happened to Tooru himself. He was the son of a wealthy noble man that had a lot of slaves, mostly beings of the four gods, like cat-people, rat man, goblins and fairies. While all other humans treated them like trash, Tooru could not. He befriended them and helped them flee the manor.  After his own father expelled him from his family, Tooru started to help all slaves to flee and to rebel against the treatment from the Order of Pali. He wanted to stop the discrimination against all children of the four Gods. However Pali didn’t like that and tried to erase him.

Thankfully he found a way to repel the curse that Pali laid on him. He found a place where one of the four gods were sealed and asked him for help. The god agreed, and protected Tooru from Palis influence.  But ever since, a part of his hair turned white and his eyes took a golden colour, the trait mark of all soulless beings, like the Heroes of Pali. Bela’s eyes too, had turned golden, but his hair had the same dark brown colour as before, the reason for that was that not much time had passed since Pali tried to take his soul.

The God also explained that he himself could not stop the soul taking process, just delaying it, because he, as he was right now, was too weak to do that. When Pali sealed him and his siblings she also took most of his powers and now all he was left with were just roughly 5% of his powers.

The God told Tooru that he and his siblings all deeply regret the war they bought onto the world, but don’t want to submit to Pali and in fact have a plan to get rid of her and free their children and then to rule the world together. – After 2000 years of being sealed together you have a lot of time to make up with your siblings and to make plans to get back for all the suffering… Yes, they do mean it, they are all nice now. They are the good guys. –

So Tooru joined forces with the sealed God and started the Nachtigall Army (not final), an army that rebelled against Pali and her man, to bring back the four gods and to end discrimination against non-humans.

Tooru was near Rosenheim because he was searching for the places were the other three gods were sealed when he saw what happened with Bela and decided to help him.

Ever since Bela was a part of the resistance and helped as much as he could to fight against Pali. He never contacted Anya because he feared that the Order of Pali would try to take advantage of her and use her against him. He wanted to protect her from Pali.

But now he contacted her because he needed her help.

Even after two years of searching, the Nachtigall Army didn’t find a clue on where the remaining gods where sealed. But they knew that somewhere in the HQ of the Order there was a clue where they could be sealed as the Order was guarding the places as to prevent that something like with Tooru and the sealed god would happen again.

When Tooru and Bela heard that Melidas was coming to Rosenheim they decided that it would be a great chance to tell Anya the truth and ask her to help them. Bela was against it at first, but he knew that this could be the only chance they had.

Anyas task would be to get into the Order, make them trust her by using Melidas, and then to get a copy of the Missionary report, in which all movements of all paladin o the Order where documented. With that they could see where unnatural amounts of paladins were sent to. And that places were likely to have the sealed gods.

Of course Anya agreed to help her brother and the next day departed with Melidas and Jonas to the HQ of the Order of Pali with a new goal in mind.

Starting from now, the story isn’t set in stone

Shortly after arriving in at the HQ, Anya, Melidas and Jonas are ordered to take care of a powerful non-human that is trying to make the slaves of the local lords and farmer’s rebel.

On the way to the village the non-human is supposed to be, while they were resting Anya sees her brother hiding and calling her to him.

She sneaks away and Bela tells her that that non-human is in fact a member of the Nachtigall Army and that this whole mission was started by them as to give Anya a chance to prove herself to the Order so that they would gain trust to her more easily.

He further explain that the member that is making trouble right now is one of the higher members of the rebel army, a Fox demon called Gin (non-humans are not allowed to have a last name. Instead they are called after their race. Gin would be Gin Fox-kin)

Once they arrive, Gin is supposed to attack them, without hurting them too much, just enough to make it seem believable, and then get beaten and arrested by them.

After they did and called for assistance from the HQ to escort him to the HQ, he will escape using a special spell they prepared for him.

That way Anya’s group would get the praise for stopping and arresting Gin, while the blame for letting him go would fall to someone else.

Anya agrees to the plan and Bela pets her on the head and tells her to be careful.

She then again joins Melidas and Jonas and they continue their way to the village to “stop” Gin.

As soon as they arrive, an irritating and fat noble comes stomping their way and tells them that the non-human is supposed to be resting in a nearby cave and that that would be the best place for attacking him.

The group follows the description of the fat noble and arrives at the cave where they see a slim young man with light green hair and eastern clothing sitting on a stone with closed eyes enjoying the warm sunlight.

As he has absolutely no non-human features, Melidas decides to ask him if he had seen the non-human causing trouble, while Anya realizes that this man must be Gin, the one they are searching for.

After being called out to, Gin slowly opens his eyes a bit and looks to the ones that woke him up.

When he recognizes Anya a small smile shows on his face and he calmly explains Melidas that the one they are searching for is no one else but him.

Melidas and Jonas are surprised and step back when Gin slowly stands up and a warm light wraps around his body. When the light vanished, Gins body changed, he now has white fox ears and three white tails.

Gin laughs at the puzzled and surprised expression they have and then starts a surprise attack.

At first he gives them quite the challenge, but after some time he leaves some openings on purpose that the group uses to beat him.

Then Anya proposed to the group that they should ask the HQ for help with transporting Gin to the HQ as the three of them would not be able to hold Gin back once he woke up as right now they were just lucky.

Melidas and Jonas both agree, in the fight the felt that Gin was in fact only toying with them and that they were really lucky to have beaten him. Melidas quickly requested reinforcement using a communication crystal he got from the HQ

They tied Gin up and took him to the village where they were waiting for the reinforcement Melidas wondered if they were TOO lucky to have beaten a high ranking member of the Nachtigall army but then he was distracted by the sight of the farmers taking back and punishing their slaves.

When he saw how cruel they were even to the small children, his heart ached. He made a pained expression and Anya wondered what he was thinking about.

But then he saw people from the HQ coming their way and quickly regained his composure.

They put the tied up Gin on a wagon and drove away with him, leaving Anya, Melidas and Jonas at the village as there was no more space on it.

So the group went back on foot.

Meanwhile, Gin activated the special spell Tooru had given him and safety teleported back to his friends.

When they arrived at the HQ, Anya and co. were greeted by the massage of Gins escape and they were summoned to the boss of Melidas who congratulatehttps://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/congratulate.htmls them for beating Gin, even though he managed to escape in the end.

All in all, the plan of the Nachtigall army worked splendidly.

After they were dismissed, Anya caught up to Melidas and confronted him with his expression when he saw the slaves back at the village.

Melidas was hesitant at first, but he told Anya that he didn’t like how the Order treated the non-humans. He hated discrimination and rather wanted a world where everyone could live in peace with each other. That was the reason he wanted to become pope, so he stop the discrimination.

However, that thinking was frowned upon from the people and so he usually kept quiet.

After the talk, Anya is happy that Melidas is such a nice person and that everything worked according to the plan and goes to bed.

 

fallenlorelei

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Hello everyone! First time posting in this thread. I have been trying to figure this issue out for a while now, but my husband's not much help and I am just completely stumped. So I hope you guys can help! This post is more in regard to "Are you having trouble figuring out how your story gets from point A to point B?" (from Lunarea's first post) and I am hoping to find someone whose "brain is brimming with plot ideas and you want to help a fellow designer?"

I began development of my game Storms of April in 2013. It was my first game, and it's pretty much full of lots of RPG "no-nos," the major one being that it is boring. Way too much dialogue, not enough action. I'm pretty sure it takes about an hour to finally get to the battling and dungeoning and questing aspect of my RPG. According to feedback, people like the story and where I'm going with it, but they're not a fan of how I have it presented in RPG format. This is a story I already have planned but it's not entirely functional for a game. I'm hoping that's where you guys can come in.

You can play the game's demo - link to the RMN page is in my signature - there's literally nothing to it except reading a ton. Or you can watch this guy's "Let's Play," although he doesn't finish the demo:

Or you can read this summarized version of the plot-points here (spoilers haha):

  • Girl (April) is at school. You learn about how lightning is formed (relevant), then you learn girl has sleep apnea (relevant) and that she isn't crazy popular at school
  • April goes home, again mentioning that she needs her sleep apnea medicine, but mom's not home
  • April falls asleep, wakes up to intruders
  • April is kidnapped and taken to a new world!
  • April wakes up to a bunch of passed out bad guys, tries to leave, and is ambushed by a Slime *
  • Boy (Alec) saves the day by running in and taking care of slime *
  • April passes out and wakes up in the Castle
  • April learns she's in another world
  • April learns she's a Thunderstorm Magi **
  • April learns what a Thunderstorm Magi even is **
  • April must talk to 5 different scholars to find out even more about Thunderstorm Magi **
  • April completes a "gathering" & "potion-making" quest **
  • April learns how she is able to get home (she must become a stronger magi in order to get the powers to rip a tear inbetween dimensions) **
  • April goes on a quest to buy items
  • April returns so Alec can join her party **
  • April is given a quest to investigate the crash site where she first arrived **
  • April learns how to cast her first spell **
  • April finally is free to go do side-quests and fight monsters and eventually make her way through to a dungeon where she'll fight a boss at the end and then return to the castle and continue the story

* I only added this scene in because of the "too much content" syndrome. It seems to have helped, but not enough.

** These conversations are super long (the bullet points do not give the conversation justice) and in the same setting and this is what is driving people crazy. I personally love my "talk to 5 scholars" quest because you're also exploring the castle while you look for them, and their bits of information aren't even that lengthy. In fact, they're short and sweet and all about the lore, in a way. Unfortunately, this in conjunction with all of the other information I'm supplying is way too much for my players.
It was a crude summary. I hope it was enough to get my point across.

Here's my problem: I can't just have April start fighting baddies without knowing how or why - it's not believable to me. She doesn't know she's a Thunderstorm Magi. Alright, then she learns she's one, but she can't start spouting magical powers. She needs to know why she's on her quest - and how to cast a spell - to be given the incentive to explore this crazy new world (the goal is to become stronger and return home).

Basically, I don't know how to break down all of that information so she knows it and can realistically begin the game.

Honestly, any ideas would be great. Even just bouncing an idea back and forth will prove tremendously useful. It helps trigger my creativity. If you need more information, feel free to send me a PM! I'll be checking back in this thread now and again to see if anyone has responded, but PM would be great too.

People like the game, from what I can tell. I've decided I'm going to salvage it and bring it over to MV. But I'd like to fix all my old problems first. Nodnod.

Thanks!
 

Arcmagik

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Possibly take the portion of the story right after the opening info dump and give that to the player then introduce everything in flashback cut scenes as she goes through the first dungeon. That would get the players involved in the action and break up the information that you are dumping on the players.
 

CrazyCrab

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Hi everyone,

I wrote this game premise a while ago and now that I actually have some spare time I was wondering if it could be turned into a decent game background. 

It's a bit lengthy, so I'll put it in a spoiler. 

Order is the source of all life. No organism can function when its cells behave randomly – every little component must fulfil its role, whether it’s something small like mitochondria or something much larger and complicated like a leg. Every process is planned, predictable and ordered. From the tiniest bug to a human, our lives are based around order and predictability. Living not knowing whether your leg will turn into a frog next or not is impossible.This is where magic comes in. Unpredictable and unordered by nature, magic is the antithesis of all life. After all, how can anything so unpredictable function correctly? Sudden explosions, processes that ignore the laws of physics and changes that would never occur in the physical world, by its very nature, magic and life cannot coexist. The few creatures that managed to fuse magic with their very existence are unpredictable, prone to sudden changes and ridiculously dangerous to anyone and anything in their vicinity. Luckily for us, as technology fills the world, all magic is dying, if slowly.

There was a time when magic and humanity had no choice but to coexist, but the process was always more than complicated. Offering strange sacrifices to the titans of Mount Olympus, slaying virgin-stealing wyverns, or hunting witches – while some of these actions were nothing more than imagination running wild based on presuppositions and fairy tales, some events were actually inspired by actual magical beings, capable of obliterating entire cities. As time went on and our cities grew, the most majestic and dangerous creatures slowly died out, as the atmosphere was not capable of sustaining them anymore.

All technology actively opposes magic, as it is order in its purest form. Every program and device is predictable, merely following prewritten rules, never changing. Even mistakes and crashes are based on rules, nothing happens without a reason. Every smartphone repels magic and every antenna slowly kills all magical beings around it. Satellites blast deadly rays all over the planet and as we become more and more attached to the internet, magic has almost been completely erased from the face of this planet.

Naturally some places are more magically attuned than others – lush jungles of the Amazon River are filled with mystical beings, more than capable of either avoiding the humans or killing them without being noticed. The ocean floor is full of beings whose capabilities exceed ours, knowing the secret of immortality or the power to shoot lighting out of their limbs. And the few who have managed to somehow integrate into the society without being obliterated by the overwhelming sources of order are the greatest threats what humanity had to, and still has to, face. Shapeshifting vampires, spectres or dream-walkers, all these beings have the innate ability to move without being noticed, making us blissfully unaware of who the person standing next to us really is.

Yet not all magic is gone, nor is only being used by its children. Some humans meddle with these powers, hoping to achieve what seems otherwise impossible, but, by their very nature they are, just like magic, unorganized and unpredictable. Cults and sects, rarely bigger than small villages pose no real threat to civilisation. Yet some self-proclaimed prophets claim that magic has one last shot at staying alive, even when both surrounded and outnumbered. While magic is nothing more than a resource and is not inherently good or evil, the people using it have, more than often, ‘questionable’ motives. The only question that remains is what their last shot is and just how much of a mess it’s going to be.
Any thoughts? I originally planned to turn this into a modern survival game, where you try to live your life while everything around you slowly falls apart.
 

Ignus Studios

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Or you can read this summarized version of the plot-points here (spoilers haha):

  • Girl (April) is at school. You learn about how lightning is formed (relevant), then you learn girl has sleep apnea (relevant) and that she isn't crazy popular at school
  • April goes home, again mentioning that she needs her sleep apnea medicine, but mom's not home
  • April falls asleep, wakes up to intruders
  • April is kidnapped and taken to a new world!
  • April wakes up to a bunch of passed out bad guys, tries to leave, and is ambushed by a Slime *
  • Boy (Alec) saves the day by running in and taking care of slime *
  • April passes out and wakes up in the Castle
  • April learns she's in another world
  • April learns she's a Thunderstorm Magi **
  • April learns what a Thunderstorm Magi even is **
  • April must talk to 5 different scholars to find out even more about Thunderstorm Magi **
  • April completes a "gathering" & "potion-making" quest **
  • April learns how she is able to get home (she must become a stronger magi in order to get the powers to rip a tear inbetween dimensions) **
  • April goes on a quest to buy items
  • April returns so Alec can join her party **
  • April is given a quest to investigate the crash site where she first arrived **
  • April learns how to cast her first spell **
  • April finally is free to go do side-quests and fight monsters and eventually make her way through to a dungeon where she'll fight a boss at the end and then return to the castle and continue the story

* I only added this scene in because of the "too much content" syndrome. It seems to have helped, but not enough.

** These conversations are super long (the bullet points do not give the conversation justice) and in the same setting and this is what is driving people crazy. I personally love my "talk to 5 scholars" quest because you're also exploring the castle while you look for them, and their bits of information aren't even that lengthy. In fact, they're short and sweet and all about the lore, in a way. Unfortunately, this in conjunction with all of the other information I'm supplying is way too much for my players.
It was a crude summary. I hope it was enough to get my point across.

Here's my problem: I can't just have April start fighting baddies without knowing how or why - it's not believable to me. She doesn't know she's a Thunderstorm Magi. Alright, then she learns she's one, but she can't start spouting magical powers. She needs to know why she's on her quest - and how to cast a spell - to be given the incentive to explore this crazy new world (the goal is to become stronger and return home).

Basically, I don't know how to break down all of that information so she knows it and can realistically begin the game.

Honestly, any ideas would be great. Even just bouncing an idea back and forth will prove tremendously useful. It helps trigger my creativity. If you need more information, feel free to send me a PM! I'll be checking back in this thread now and again to see if anyone has responded, but PM would be great too.

People like the game, from what I can tell. I've decided I'm going to salvage it and bring it over to MV. But I'd like to fix all my old problems first. Nodnod.

Thanks!
I think you have the same problem that majority of new writers have and that is you tell instead of show. Unless your character is not that intelligent, you should be able to cut out a lot of talking out and instead show it in how you design the world. Both the player and the characters should be able to infer information that way. You can also break up the cutscenes with other events(which it seems like you've been doing.) That being said, some plots are better suited for books than other media so keep that in mind as well. 
 
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LootHunter

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Here's my problem: I can't just have April start fighting baddies without knowing how or why - it's not believable to me. She doesn't know she's a Thunderstorm Magi. Alright, then she learns she's one, but she can't start spouting magical powers. She needs to know why she's on her quest - and how to cast a spell - to be given the incentive to explore this crazy new world (the goal is to become stronger and return home).

Basically, I don't know how to break down all of that information so she knows it and can realistically begin the game.
I think that you miss one important thing. April needs to know about Thunderstorm Magi and stuff, but player does not. Basically you can just omit especially long dialogs just by making fadeout after NPC starts explaining things to her and cutting to the end of the dialog (you can add something like April saying "So if I get it right..." and then make a short summary of info required to play the game in the end, if needed).
 
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Reply intended to Iliketea's.

 

No one put their word on your story yet, so here goes my take on it, I'll break it into parts to make it easier for everyone reading.

 

Also, take note I'll be writing these as I read, avoiding reading spoilers to also prevent any biased opinion.



STORY SYNOPSIS:
This is the "creation story" of the worlds only religion, the Pali faith, the church is called Order of Pali.



 
Long, long time ago, this world was just a lifeless place, with dry and brown land and seas made of Lava.But then a bright light appeared and engulfed the whole word.

As soon as the light vanished, a lone figure stepped onto the barren landscape.

But when she looked around she saw that she was alone, and sadness grew in her.

So, from the bottom of her heart, she wished for the land she found herself in to become green and full of live.

And just as she wished, grass began to shoot out of the ground and flowers began to bloom.

The Lava turned into beautiful seas and oceans.

Trees grew on the wide mountains sides and clouds bought rain to water the newly grown plants.

Yet, she still was alone.

So once again, she wished. She wished for small creatures to come to her, with soft fur to pet, she wished for bids to fly, with beautiful feathers and songs to adore. She wished for all kind of live to come to her new found home, to live with her.
 

And they came. Soon the world was full of live and she was happy.

But no one was there to adore what she created, so for one more time she wished. This time she wished for more intelligent creatures to come to her world. And so, we humans came into live.

She was happy when she saw us, how we made families, how we founded towns and settlements and how we lived in the world she wished for.

But our number grew way quicker then she thought and she realized that she needed help.

So for one last time she wished… she wished for children, her own kind, that she would love and raise, to govern this world alongside her.

And four children appeared in front of her, two boys and two girls, just little infants, and she took and loved her children and raised them till they were grown to be powerful gods.

After that, she laid down, she was tired from all the wishes she wished for and slept in peace, knowing her children would watch the world while she was asleep.

Years passed by and when she awoke she was in shock.

Her children divided the whole world among themselves and each one tried to claim the parts of the others for itself, so that it would be the one and only god.

A horrible war raged between the siblings, and they all created hideous creatures to fight for them.

The weak humans that she created herself suffered under the war and the beasts and demons that destroyed the lands.

She was furious and sad, that she could not trust her own children so she took away their powers and banned them so that they would only be able to come out, once they were truly sorry about their doing and would vow to serve and her creations whole hearty without trying to become the one true god again.

The creature the four gods created were punished for their doings, and were placed beneath the humans so that they would serve them to rebuild the lands they destroyed.

Every being that dared to oppose her was destroyed immediately.

But once every while, some creatures would unite and try to rebel against her and the humans.

And that is when she would send her chosen heroes to the world.

Every time there was a human that stood out from the rest, because of his moral and love for others, for his good deeds in battle or among other people, wise kings and powerful mages, she would summon them to her side and make them her immortal heroes that would serve her for all eternity.

That is the legend of our mother, the great goddess that rules over everything, the great light Pali.



And this is the first part of the synopsis of the game:
The story isn't bad, the story of the creation of the world is simple but it works.

Having more gods and goddesses to work with is also good to give your game more diversity to work with as if the game goes with only one plot point it gets tiresome quickly.

The children of Pali waging war among themselves and getting banished seemed more like a mother scolding children for playing rough and being selfish more than anything else for me, which I liked. People with more serious vision of things could see it as lesser gods rebelling against the major one mirroring the whole god vs devil thing.

And so, the four major monsters, servant of the banished gods, are now lackeys of humans. That could lead to interesting developments from monsters growing to respect or hate even more humanity or maybe Pali herself?

The last two paragraphs seemed alright, but what about humans who would DEFY the goddess? Are they exiled? Fulminated with a bolt of divine retribution on the spot? Do they go somewhere else where the goddess can't reach them?

CHARACTERS (Anya mostly):


The main character Anya Walkers ( last name not final) is 15 years old and was raised by her older brother Bela ( or: Nathan, Eliot, Sascha ( German spelling),  ) in a small city called Rosenheim ( not final).
However, two years ago her brother was chosen to be one of Palis heroes and was summoned to her side. Ever since, Anya was alone.

But she had one goal: to be chosen to be a hero too, so she once again could be with her older brother. So every day she would go to the church and help out as much as she could and trained hard to become a paladin of the Pali order, as she thought that that would be the fastest way for Pali to retokenize her worth and summon her to her brother’s side.

The local priest, Elijah Northhound (a friend of Anya’s brother) helps her with her goal and teaches her the teaching and ways of the church of Pali. He also takes care of Jonas Granat, a childhood friend of Anya who tries to make a living as hunter, who, just like Anya, is an orphan.

One day, a high ranking member of the church wants to visit the town and Elijah askes Anya and Jonas to escort him and act as his personal guard. The member of the church is Melidas Granini (not final) a 13 year old boy.

Melidas was sent to Rosenheim to take care of a problem with some goblins that killed their masters and fled to the region north of the city. Taking care of the goblins means to ban them from this world and since Melidas is only a priest and too weak to do it on his own, Anya and Jonas agree to help him. Priest Elijah tags along too, but doesn’t want to interfere to much as he thinks that this is a fine test for the three of them to see what they can manage on their own.

The Goblin problem gets solved easily and while they walk home, Anya tells Melidas about her brother and her dream. Touched by her story, Melidas decides to take her along to the HQ of the Pali order in (really big and religious city I don’t have a name for yet, names aren’t my strong point).

Anya is happy that she managed to make a huge step towards her dream.
Before anything: Bela sounds like a very feminine name. It could lead to some gender confusion. Unless your actually want that to happen, that is.

The beginning is good, but nothing really stands out. That said, the beginning is where TONS of lost opportunities for foreshadowing and seeding moments for future twits are lost. Make sure to give a lot of food for thought here to keep people interested on what happens next. I could be missing lots and lots of stuff here that you have planned in your head.

On characters:

Anya:

Is her brother the only motivation for her to join the Pali Order? What about her OWN motivations, what are her life goals, what actually motivates her to do things besides her brother? Be very careful when creating characters like that. 

I'll be frank with you (this is my opinion only): I find characters who only does things based on idolization on others incredibly boring and flat (on worst case annoying because they don't seem to have a mind of their own), even if Anya's brother raised her and she owes everything to him I think she should want to join the Pali Order other than simply "to stay/please/be with her brother".

Bela, Elijah, Jonas, Melidas:

Too little information to write anything about them.



SPOILER SECTION:
Note: This section is huge, I'll split sections of the story in more parts with my opinion on each of them and a final commentary after the last one.

NOTE²: I had to choose to leave a few parts off since the post has a "quote limit", so I couldn't put everything here.

Here, the real spoilers begin, but not the whole story as that would be way to long.



When they arrive in Rosenheim, it’s already late and they say goodbye and Anya goes home.
In the big and empty house, she starts to feel sad because even though she got a lot closer to her dream, she still misses her brother a lot.

Feeling down she goes to bed, but can’t fall into sleep.

Suddenly she feels a hand gently touching her face and jumps out and reaches for her sword just when the intruder in slight panic asks her to calm down and she realizes that that voice is that of her older brother.

Anya is in shock and her sword falls out of her hand when she runs into the arms of her brother and begins to cry, always holding him really tight to make sure he really is there and that he doesn’t disappears just as sudden as he came back. Just like that, she falls asleep.

The next day she awakes in her bed, covered in her blanket, and she begins to think that yesterday night was just a very nice and realistic dream when she hears sounds coming from the kitchen and the smell of food coming from downstairs. She hurries down the stairs and sees her brother standing in the kitchen while humming and making pancakes.

When Bela notices her, he smiles at her and asks her if she wants to have syrup with the pancakes.

For a second she is dumbfounded at the scene before her, her brother making breakfast as if he never was gone to begin with. But then she catches herself and hugs her brother really tight.

Bela smiles gently at her and places the frying pan at the table and returns the hug and kisses her on the forehead like he always did when she still was a little child. “I am back” he says.


After that, he begins to explain what happened to him and why he suddenly came back.
Hum. Plot twist?

 

He indeed was chosen to become a hero of Pali, but he didn’t want to leave his sister alone, so he for a long time refused the summoning. But two years ago, the summons became stronger and stronger and harder to resist. He needed his whole focus to resist them. It was then that is long-time friend Elijah put some drugs in his food to make him unable to refuse the summons. Just when he was about to leave the world, a man he never had seen before came to his rescue and saved him from being sent to Pali.
So... Summoning is something you can actually refuse. Another plot point to make good use later on.

That man was Tooru Yoshida (not final), the leader of the resistance group against the Order of Pali.

Tooru then explained the whole truth about Pali and her Order to him, as well as the truth about the “Heroes of Pali”

Everyone that was summoned as a hero actually lost his soul and became just a soulless puppet without an own will, that could only obey Palis orders. They were ripped off every human emotions or feelings and became killing machines for her army against the creatures of the four gods.

But not only those that were “worthy” humans were taken by Pali, those that openly against her or those that would dare to oppose her were ripped of their souls and then disposed of so that their souls never would be reincarnated into the world .

That was what happened to Tooru himself. He was the son of a wealthy noble man that had a lot of slaves, mostly beings of the four gods, like cat-people, rat man, goblins and fairies. While all other humans treated them like trash, Tooru could not. He befriended them and helped them flee the manor.  After his own father expelled him from his family, Tooru started to help all slaves to flee and to rebel against the treatment from the Order of Pali. He wanted to stop the discrimination against all children of the four Gods. However Pali didn’t like that and tried to erase him.
I guess this answers my early question about the rebelling humans.

Thankfully he found a way to repel the curse that Pali laid on him. He found a place where one of the four gods were sealed and asked him for help. The god agreed, and protected Tooru from Palis influence.  But ever since, a part of his hair turned white and his eyes took a golden colour, the trait mark of all soulless beings, like the Heroes of Pali. Bela’s eyes too, had turned golden, but his hair had the same dark brown colour as before, the reason for that was that not much time had passed since Pali tried to take his soul.

The God also explained that he himself could not stop the soul taking process, just delaying it, because he, as he was right now, was too weak to do that. When Pali sealed him and his siblings she also took most of his powers and now all he was left with were just roughly 5% of his powers.

The God told Tooru that he and his siblings all deeply regret the war they bought onto the world, but don’t want to submit to Pali and in fact have a plan to get rid of her and free their children and then to rule the world together. – After 2000 years of being sealed together you have a lot of time to make up with your siblings and to make plans to get back for all the suffering… Yes, they do mean it, they are all nice now. They are the good guys. –

So Tooru joined forces with the sealed God and started the Nachtigall Army (not final), an army that rebelled against Pali and her man, to bring back the four gods and to end discrimination against non-humans.

Tooru was near Rosenheim because he was searching for the places were the other three gods were sealed when he saw what happened with Bela and decided to help him.

Well, this does leave the good old "gray and grey" area where some people will think "they mean it" and others "you'll be used like tools". At least it's how it's going for me, which I like. One dimensional stories with blatant good and blatant evil setups tend to be boring.

Ever since Bela was a part of the resistance and helped as much as he could to fight against Pali. He never contacted Anya because he feared that the Order of Pali would try to take advantage of her and use her against him. He wanted to protect her from Pali.

But now he contacted her because he needed her help.
Again, how will Anya react? Will she care about going against Pali only because of her brother?

Even after two years of searching, the Nachtigall Army didn’t find a clue on where the remaining gods where sealed. But they knew that somewhere in the HQ of the Order there was a clue where they could be sealed as the Order was guarding the places as to prevent that something like with Tooru and the sealed god would happen again.
When Tooru and Bela heard that Melidas was coming to Rosenheim they decided that it would be a great chance to tell Anya the truth and ask her to help them. Bela was against it at first, but he knew that this could be the only chance they had.

Anyas task would be to get into the Order, make them trust her by using Melidas, and then to get a copy of the Missionary report, in which all movements of all paladin o the Order where documented. With that they could see where unnatural amounts of paladins were sent to. And that places were likely to have the sealed gods.

Of course Anya agreed to help her brother and the next day departed with Melidas and Jonas to the HQ of the Order of Pali with a new goal in mind.
So... Again on Anya... She really never cared about entering the Pali Order at all, did she? All she wanted is a option to stay close to her brother. I've seen and read too many stories which turns this kind of dedication towards one person against the protagonist in question. Sure there are WAY more things at stake now, but why should Anya take every of Tooru's word for granted? Why should Bela really trust him?

It's human to question stuff and have even a drop of doubt no matter how loyal you are to someone or something.

Do you know what kind of people can't question others? We tend to call them fanatics or simpleminded.



Shortly after arriving in at the HQ, Anya, Melidas and Jonas are ordered to take care of a powerful non-human that is trying to make the slaves of the local lords and farmer’s rebel.
On the way to the village the non-human is supposed to be, while they were resting Anya sees her brother hiding and calling her to him.

She sneaks away and Bela tells her that that non-human is in fact a member of the Nachtigall Army and that this whole mission was started by them as to give Anya a chance to prove herself to the Order so that they would gain trust to her more easily.

He further explain that the member that is making trouble right now is one of the higher members of the rebel army, a Fox demon called Gin (non-humans are not allowed to have a last name. Instead they are called after their race. Gin would be Gin Fox-kin)

Once they arrive, Gin is supposed to attack them, without hurting them too much, just enough to make it seem believable, and then get beaten and arrested by them.

After they did and called for assistance from the HQ to escort him to the HQ, he will escape using a special spell they prepared for him.

That way Anya’s group would get the praise for stopping and arresting Gin, while the blame for letting him go would fall to someone else.

Anya agrees to the plan and Bela pets her on the head and tells her to be careful.
The second last paragraph.

It's when things can get even more complicated for Anya. They are stepping on someone else's toes. Who will it be? An ambitious member of the Order, or someone who you'll actually feel sorry for later? Or someone who will never be mentioned again? Who knows.

Though I must say I'm still worried about Anya's characterization. She's the protagonist of your story, right? She still feels bland and unimpressive compared to other like Tooru, Melidas and, of course, Bela.

Maybe she has a lot of qualities you are waiting, or don't want to expose right now for spoilers sake, but so far the only thing I can tell about her is "she's Bela little sister" and that all.

They tied Gin up and took him to the village where they were waiting for the reinforcement Melidas wondered if they were TOO lucky to have beaten a high ranking member of the Nachtigall army but then he was distracted by the sight of the farmers taking back and punishing their slaves.
When he saw how cruel they were even to the small children, his heart ached. He made a pained expression and Anya wondered what he was thinking about.

But then he saw people from the HQ coming their way and quickly regained his composure.

They put the tied up Gin on a wagon and drove away with him, leaving Anya, Melidas and Jonas at the village as there was no more space on it.

So the group went back on foot.

Meanwhile, Gin activated the special spell Tooru had given him and safety teleported back to his friends.

When they arrived at the HQ, Anya and co. were greeted by the massage of Gins escape and they were summoned to the boss of Melidas who congratulatehttps://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/congratulate.htmlthem for beating Gin, even though he managed to escape in the end.

All in all, the plan of the Nachtigall army worked splendidly.

After they were dismissed, Anya caught up to Melidas and confronted him with his expression when he saw the slaves back at the village.

Melidas was hesitant at first, but he told Anya that he didn’t like how the Order treated the non-humans. He hated discrimination and rather wanted a world where everyone could live in peace with each other. That was the reason he wanted to become pope, so he stop the discrimination.

However, that thinking was frowned upon from the people and so he usually kept quiet.

After the talk, Anya is happy that Melidas is such a nice person and that everything worked according to the plan and goes to bed.
So, this last batch gave Melidas some characterization. He's a well meaning person with conflicted loyalties, these kind of characters tend to be interesting to develop, but just as easy to get wrong. Be careful how you make him grown as well. But one question about him: was he born with that mindset or did something happen so he would come to pit the situation of the non-humans?

Closing thoughts:

It's a good story. You presented a lot of things that stays on a gray area and isn't outright stated to be the true good or true evil (though in some cases you're pushing HARD to one of them). You've built a great setting for twists, un-twists and re-twists, it's all up to you on how everything develops and unfold.

The biggest flaw I've seem is that your characters just don't feel developed enough and are a bit too one dimensional. More than an actual RPG game you seem to be creating a Visual Novel (not criticizing them, by the way). I'm being kinda picky here because creating characters is what I like.

Give your characters motivation, dreams. Talk about their fears and sorrows. Give them freedom to express how they feel about the whole situation. What are their tastes? How they view the world and what are their expectations? And if you have the chance go on their pet peeves and stuff like that. Flesh them out as much as possible. A good game will have a remarkable story and characters just as memorable.
 
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Iliketea

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@ Minoru Leonardo

Thank you very much for your feedback ^^

Getting the characters of my characters across seems something I am still lacking, through I already have a lot of that in my head ( eg. Bela has a real thing for hats and has like hundreds of them, Anya's dislike of vegetables goes so deep that at one point a boss monster that takes the form of his enemies biggest fear transforms into a broccoli, how scary Melidas is when snapping, etc) .

Your point with Anyas motivation really made me thinking, thanks so much for that. I guess that really is bland.

Anyas characters is strongly inspired from my little sis, so while I have her character literally right in front of me, I have to remember that players dont know her.

As for why Bela believes Tooru for no reason: In one version of the story Tooru was acctually a childhood friend of Bela, but after I made him come from the eastern continent and not the northern continent like Anya and co, that part doesnt make much sense I guess. 

I feel like Bela believes Tooru because he wants to. He doesnt want to leave Anya totally alone and is reaching for straws. 

I will take the point you made to heart and try to make the characters characterization more detailed! :D
 
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@ Minoru Leonardo

Thank you very much for your feedback ^^

Getting the characters of my characters across seems something I am still lacking, through I already have a lot of that in my head ( eg. Bela has a real thing for hats and has like hundreds of them, Anya's dislike of vegetables goes so deep that at one point a boss monster that takes the form of his enemies biggest fear transforms into a broccoli, how scary Melidas is when snapping, etc) .

Your point with Anyas motivation really made me thinking, thanks so much for that. I guess that really is bland.

Anyas characters is strongly inspired from my little sis, so while I have her character literally right in front of me, I have to remember that players dont know her.

As for why Bela believes Tooru for no reason: In one version of the story Tooru was acctually a childhood friend of Bela, but after I made him come from the eastern continent and not the northern continent like Anya and co, that part doesnt make much sense I guess. 

I will take the point you made to heart and try to make the characters characterization more detailed! :D
You're welcome. I'm glad you took them too.

Character quirks is a great way to define them and make each one unique, just be careful not to make them stand out too much and overshadow the character itself.

You should never assume people will know what your character is or what they will become, it's always good to feed them some interesting bits of what they are to keep players interested in them.

Just don't overdo it, though, a lot of people hate when they feel you're trying to make them like a specific character too hard (one example is by giving them too much time in the spotlight). They also hate when your character is "too great at everything" like always being able to get their point across when no one else did, learning everything quickly (especially difficult things) and so on.

About Tooru and Bela. There are still options; Tooru and Bela could've met before during an exchange program or simply by chance while they were doing business in the same place and the like. As long as you can plug everything you can make even characters from opposite sides in your world to know each other.

I feel like Bela believes Tooru because he wants to. He doesnt want to leave Anya totally alone and is reaching for straws. 
Be veeery careful when using this sort of device to shape your characters. Use it the wrong way and you can make Bela weak or even unlikeable.

More questions about your character: Didn't Bela had another option to avoid involving his sister into all this mess? Is this effect of him losing his empathy? Or is this because Pali was everything he once stood for and now he has to go against it? Make sure to explore the options you gave yourself with this character.

Remember that your characters are going into a possibly world-changing adventure defying its most powerful entity that is Pali. As soon people know that they'll be widely hated and friends who are aligned with the Pali Order might turn on them because of that. How will each one react? How will this experience change Anya, Bela, Jonas and Melidas?

I feel your adventure is light spirited and not too big on drama, though. I'm sort of curious how everything will develop with time.
 
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symmetry-evans

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I've come up with an idea, but I'm scared to move forward with it because I am having trouble working out the details. ALL comments and ideas are welcome  :D

The Curse of the Evil Queen

Theme: Your basic fairy tales spruced up with modern humor

Location: The United Realm of the Enchanted Forest (UREF), which is run by the Council of Kingly Advisors

Main character: The Evil Queen, who has been exiled for years, and enjoys turning local peasants into chickens when they can't pay taxes.

Introduction:

Someone (who?? not sure) tricks the Evil Queen (how?? not sure) into losing all of her evil magical powers. She is turned into a normal girl. She has to travel around the UREF doing good deeds for people in order to gain her powers back, one at a time.

Example good deed:

She meets Little Red Riding Hood. Little Red is tired of taking care of her old granny, and she is wandering around picking flowers to avoid having to go to granny's house. The player can choose how to help Little Red:

1. Find a way to heal granny!

2. Kill off poor old granny! (Is it a good idea to have a "good vs. evil" choice for each "good deed?")

That's all I have so far :) Thanks for your ideas / comments!
 

RampartCratylus

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Hey guys, figured I'd just update a bit. Story is going through increased refinement, and addition. Though I'm not so confident yet, it's coming along.

The game's thematic gristle is circling around the multi-tiered civilizational/cultural clash at its heart. 

To this end, I've decided to make the protagonist a sort of paralegal, young and thus adapted to the new world better than the preceding generation. He is open-minded as a rule, but this perspective complicates life for him despite his own internal insistence that equanimity is the best position to take not as only as somebody interested in law, but in the multicultural universe. As the plot continues, you realize that underneath the veneer of a slightly unorthodox JRPG is a set of existential/political concerns.

What is this political/existential crisis? The planet has become a large pawn in the center of an interplanetary ideological war, much moreso than any physical abuse of your planet's resources. I list some of the issues.

1.) The Federation that unites all these planets coming to yours is in dire straights throughout the galaxy. The threat of internecine mandates a military presence in most areas.

2.) The three civilizations that invaded your planet. The one that most clearly supports the Federation is breaking the most laws, while the one that hates the Federation most isn't moving so as to not upset them explicitly.

3.) Your planet is home to various religions with soteriologies/eschatologies that address the coming of something like alien life. As a result, religious membership in some areas has rocketed, and in others plummeted. In the cult of Azeram-Blache, who are very important to the plot, 30 years ago when the aliens came a large number of adherents committed suicide.

4.) Wow: There are people on your planet that wish to become a part of the larger Federal government. It's new- how much more interesting could it be? Upward mobility baby!

      But...: The Federal culture that's come to yours is collapsing internally, so you are actually 'better off' than they are in some sense!

The plot will eventually feature your planet getting totally obliterated too, and the irony there is that it in fact may save more lives in the long run than not. 

The point isn't self-serving emotion or what not. All of this is meant to be context so that lore can unfurl naturally. 

Believe it or not, there will be a ton of humor too.

Just a bit of an update to anybody interested.
 
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RampartCratylus

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I've come up with an idea, but I'm scared to move forward with it because I am having trouble working out the details. ALL comments and ideas are welcome  :D

The Curse of the Evil Queen

Theme: Your basic fairy tales spruced up with modern humor

Location: The United Realm of the Enchanted Forest (UREF), which is run by the Council of Kingly Advisors

Main character: The Evil Queen, who has been exiled for years, and enjoys turning local peasants into chickens when they can't pay taxes.

Introduction:

Someone (who?? not sure) tricks the Evil Queen (how?? not sure) into losing all of her evil magical powers. She is turned into a normal girl. She has to travel around the UREF doing good deeds for people in order to gain her powers back, one at a time.

Example good deed:

She meets Little Red Riding Hood. Little Red is tired of taking care of her old granny, and she is wandering around picking flowers to avoid having to go to granny's house. The player can choose how to help Little Red:

1. Find a way to heal granny!

2. Kill off poor old granny! (Is it a good idea to have a "good vs. evil" choice for each "good deed?")

That's all I have so far :) Thanks for your ideas / comments!
I like the idea, precisely because it seems workable and fun. 

- Protagonist is a GREAT idea. A lot of space for character development, however you want to pull it.

- The council could have interesting roles to play- how do they tie into the evil queen's motivations? Does each one have a different agenda? Fun!

- With regards to the good/evil choice, if you wanted something 'realistic', binary choices are generally NOT the way to go. But in this case, it could be possible to do some wickedly cynical humor and so on. So yes, this scenario I think you could have a clear cut dimension of morality with a few twists in the dramatic-resolution department. You could even have a grey area choice with granny- 'turn her and red into wolves instead' 

Regarding how she's tricked, maybe you can have the story go that she 'tricks herself' somehow. IE, she's toying around with some blank slate golem, and gives it a personality. It follows her choices to the T., and realizing that 'getting ahead of others' is the way to go (thanks to queeny) he does just that. It doesn't even have to be a golem per se. It could just be some fun secondary character that you meet throughout the world, but because you have no powers you can't kill it. But it/he/she doesn't want to kill you either.
 

Iliketea

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You're welcome. I'm glad you took them too.

Character quirks is a great way to define them and make each one unique, just be careful not to make them stand out too much and overshadow the character itself.

You should never assume people will know what your character is or what they will become, it's always good to feed them some interesting bits of what they are to keep players interested in them.

Just don't overdo it, though, a lot of people hate when they feel you're trying to make them like a specific character too hard (one example is by giving them too much time in the spotlight). They also hate when your character is "too great at everything" like always being able to get their point across when no one else did, learning everything quickly (especially difficult things) and so on.

About Tooru and Bela. There are still options; Tooru and Bela could've met before during an exchange program or simply by chance while they were doing business in the same place and the like. As long as you can plug everything you can make even characters from opposite sides in your world to know each other.

Be veeery careful when using this sort of device to shape your characters. Use it the wrong way and you can make Bela weak or even unlikeable.

More questions about your character: Didn't Bela had another option to avoid involving his sister into all this mess? Is this effect of him losing his empathy? Or is this because Pali was everything he once stood for and now he has to go against it? Make sure to explore the options you gave yourself with this character.

Remember that your characters are going into a possibly world-changing adventure defying its most powerful entity that is Pali. As soon people know that they'll be widely hated and friends who are aligned with the Pali Order might turn on them because of that. How will each one react? How will this experience change Anya, Bela, Jonas and Melidas?

I feel your adventure is light spirited and not too big on drama, though. I'm sort of curious how everything will develop with time.
You have made lots of great point! I will rework some points of my story and work on the characters, and I will post my reworked version of the characters soon, with pics and everything ^^ 

As I will be using a friendship system for my game there will be a lot of opportunities to give some charakters spotlight without it taking to much spot light ( eg. once you have enough friendship with Melidas, he will ask you to take him to his hometown because he wants to check something, and there learning more about his family and how he began to feel sorry for the slaves).

I also have an idea as for how Bela and Tooru met, while Bela was doing work for the order in the eastern continent, he met Tooru while he still was living with his family.

As for the why Bela trusts Tooru and why he decided to involve Anya after all:

The trust thing is something i still need to work on, the Anya-thing however gets its answer a bit later and at the very end of the game.

 The reasons Bela decided to involve Anya are these:

1. Bela knew that Anya wanted to work for the Order, so at one side that was a great opportunity for the rebels to get info, Bela wanted to make sure Anya doesnt get deceived and used by the Order. 

The thought of his little sister living and working for the same people that decieved him so much and wanted to make him into a soulless puppet was something he could not bear.

There also was the risk that Anya would be summoned to Pali as well. That was something Bela needed to prevent.

2. After Anya gets the info the Rebels need, she would come to the rebels camp where Bela lives too and that way they wont be separated anymore.  

While this sounds really egoistic, and it kinda is, that is not with out a reason

Major spoiler:

The summoning process cant be stopped, just postponed. In the end, everyone that was supposed to have his sould taken, will vanish at the end. 

So both Tooru and Bela ( and some other people in the Nachtigall Army) will " die" at the end of the game.

Knowing that he will be gone soon, Bela wants to spend as much time with Anya, and also prepare her for her live without him and the live after Pali. He wants to make sure that she is not alone after he is gone and that she will have a future and a goal in her live. 



It is true that once they turn their back to Pali, Anya and co will be treated as enemies by pretty much all humans ( a lot of the team mates that will come are non humans) but at the same time they gain a lot of new, powerfull allies.

The team ( spoiler: Meaning Anya and Melidas, Jonas gets left behind ) will meet a lot of them at the camp of the Rebels , where they will live and that will act as the HQ of them, with shops, workshops, and also a lot of events that will give some background story, funny side quests and sometimes change the possibilities  the team will have to solve some problems and even what they will do after the game is finished. 

Well, all in all what i am trying to do is a game that will make you smile and laugh, but cry a bit, hate some characters and root for others. But the overall felling i am going for would be indeed lighthearted ^^ 

I hope I will manage to get everything across as I want to~~~ .....

As a bonus, here is how Anya looks ^^ I think that it shows her character quite well ^^ 

 
0iSxgL1.png
 
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It looks you've written a good story for your game so far.

On your character however I have one more to question, how Melidas will actually be part of the team?

He's a priest of Pali and although the slave situation disgusts him, he was probably taught to follow Pali orders and to understand that is the punishment the non-humans must withstand for the lesser gods' mistakes. I feel making Melidas swapping his allegiance towards the Rebels because they promise "equal opportunity" without a good character arc for him will feel forced

 The reasons Bela decided to involve Anya are these:

1. Bela knew that Anya wanted to work for the Order, so at one side that was a great opportunity for the rebels to get info, Bela wanted to make sure Anya doesnt get deceived and used by the Order. 

The thought of his little sister living and working for the same people that decieved him so much and wanted to make him into a soulless puppet was something he could not bear.

There also was the risk that Anya would be summoned to Pali as well. That was something Bela needed to prevent.

2. After Anya gets the info the Rebels need, she would come to the rebels camp where Bela lives too and that way they wont be separated anymore.  

While this sounds really egoistic, and it kinda is, that is not with out a reason
.Those are quite reasonable, but I am getting the vibe Bela might be an overprotective character. I'm curious how you'll treat that and the relationship between him and Anya as the fight against the Order of Pali goes.

Looking forward to see how your game develops.
 

Natheus

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I've really only planned my game idea up until a certain, kind of early point, though I have ideas for parts of the story and themes, which will touch on the idea of "What if the most hateful forms of religion were true about the nature of the universe, but still wrong about human morality." And in a kind of generic fantasy setting.

 

My game's name is Fabula Deorum (Latin for "Tale of the Gods."). Though, this might be temporary. All I know is that I want the title to be in Latin or Greek. I'm a bit of a language nerd.

 

 

Plot synopsis

The story starts out fifteen years before the present, as the young Alesya Alexeitashna v Zinashki wakes to find her father, the Archmage of the Kingdom of Rushkal, missing. She leaves her mansion to find him, finding herself in a thunderstorm of immense proportions, with lightning powerful enough to break stone statues.

 

She finds her father, Alexei, and another family. Alexei sends the family to the castle to wait out the storm in the fortified dungeons. He then tells Alesya that they'll head out of the country immediately. Before heading to the harbor, Alexei hesitates and apologizes to the family he sent to the castle.

 

As Alexei claims to have unfinished business in the castle, he sends his daughter on the ship to Alfreich. He tells her that she has to be strong now. On the ship, away from the storm now, Alesya looks up... to see angels hovering above the continent and nation of Rushkal. And then, a blinding light, destroying an entire land mass and life upon it.

 

In the present, Alesya has become a Knight-Errant against insurmountable odds, a baby dragon, and rule bending. The first job she takes has her travel with a scholarly mage named Rujal miKhal looking for an ancient Istalian prison that was said to hold a single prisoner. When they arrive at this prison, filled with traps, monsters, and ("for some infuriating reason," as Rujal puts it) puzzles, they discuss the nature of the ancient Istalian religion.

 

You see, after the destruction of the Istalian civilization two thousand years ago, the gods themselves appeared to mankind, ceazing all theological debate. Thanks to the help of the gods, humanity has been mostly peaceful, though with a few wars due to resource shortages. However, the Istalians had to have that their god, Atomos, existed and was beneficial to them. To modern man, having uncertainty when dealing with religion is almost unheard of. If you were unsure of something, you could ask the local priest, and he'd summon Lasracha of Travels and Fire right in front of you to answer your question.

 

Anyway, Alesya and Rujal find a statue after some puzzles. It is a statue of a woman who Alesya finds beautiful, and Rujal finds fascinating. Rujal reads the Ancient Istalian runes (and I have a conlang for it too!) on the statue's base and finds that it's a statue of a prisoner named Artemis, who was sentenced to become stone for the crime of blasphemy.

 

After solving another puzzle, BOOM, the statue comes alive, and the prisoner Artemis struggles to communicate with them, since she speaks a more rural form of Istalian than the literary dialect Rujal knows. She also knows healing magic, which is a type of magic lost since the fall of Istalia. After a battle with a guardian spirit trying to stop them from leaving, they all exit the prison... and find that they're in a powerful storm.

 

And... there you go. Any thoughts? Do I need to elaborate on anything? I'm here to hear any criticism, so let'er rip!
 
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Marquise*

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Italians and Greeks? Artemis? I might suggest you to kinda more hide your base material references into fantasy if this is to be a fantasy world? It kinda feels finger pointing in that context. And that is about it for me that I think I could add. Your story seems straight forward enough. The rest would be just a like/not like critiscism and that don<t help usually artistic integrity if worded.
 

LootHunter

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@Natheus

The beginning of your story has potential (though I don't think it's much uncommon - there are a lot of fantasy settings with gods present "personally" in the world). The thing, I would criticize however "for some infuriating reason" explanation for puzzles. Every element in the game (especially story driven game) should have meaning in the game world and a story. Also you probably should make names more pronounceable. It's somewhat hard for player to understand new world the game "presents" as it is, but when also names are hard to read, the experience become very frustrating.
 

Natheus

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Italians and Greeks? Artemis? I might suggest you to kinda more hide your base material references into fantasy if this is to be a fantasy world? It kinda feels finger pointing in that context. And that is about it for me that I think I could add. Your story seems straight forward enough. The rest would be just a like/not like critiscism and that don<t help usually artistic integrity if worded.
You're probably right on that point. And Artemis' name has gone through a lot of changes. Perhaps I should think harder on that.

@Natheus

The beginning of your story has potential (though I don't think it's much uncommon - there are a lot of fantasy settings with gods present "personally" in the world). The thing, I would criticize however "for some infuriating reason" explanation for puzzles. Every element in the game (especially story driven game) should have meaning in the game world and a story. Also you probably should make names more pronounceable. It's somewhat hard for player to understand new world the game "presents" as it is, but when also names are hard to read, the experience become very frustrating.
Again, probably right on both points. Though JRPGs rarely offer an explanation of why dungeons present puzzles, and the "for some infuriating reason" comment was partly to poke fun at that.

I may have made some of the names with the thought "what sounds cool to me," rather than "what's best for the player to understand." I wanted to have patronymics (last/middle names derived from the father's name, like in Russian or Arabic names), though that may be too much, I suppose.

Thanks for the critiques!

Off-topic question, though: What forum/topic would I go to ask for critique on something more specific, like weapon and armor lists or puzzle design? Thanks again. 
 
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