Plot and Character Feedback

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LootHunter

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JRPGs rarely offer an explanation of why dungeons present puzzles, and the "for some infuriating reason" comment was partly to poke fun at that.
Yes, but that's the whole point to make things right, if you are making game yourself. The thing is that this "for some infuriating reason" is good for parody game. If you are making something in vein "Monty Python and Quest for the Holy Grail", than it fits nicely. But if you want to make a game with a serious tone (as I assumed reading your post), than you should invent something more plausible.
I may have made some of the names with the thought "what sounds cool to me," rather than "what's best for the player to understand." I wanted to have patronymics (last/middle names derived from the father's name, like in Russian or Arabic names), though that may be too much, I suppose.
I think it's not big deal in "preproduction" phase, you can change names anytime (unless they play some part in the story.
What forum/topic would I go to ask for critique on something more specific, like weapon and armor lists or puzzle design?
Puzzle design probably fits Features Feedback thread. As for weapon and armor, I don't know, though if you are talking about ways to use weapons (like shields absorbing damage) that would go for Features feedback too.
 

Marquise*

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Cool I follow that tread I learn new things everyday too :D
 

eddiespagati

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Hello Everyone! I recently downloaded RPGMaker MV. This is my first time using the program and my first post, so I am still playing around learning about parallax map building and general functionality of the program. The project I'm currently working on is called The Scrolls of Zedek. The intro I have in mind is going to go something like this,

"I awoke on an island...... wet from the surf and covered in seaweed, I rose to my feet. I cannot remember my past. How I came to the island remains a mystery to me. I staggered away from the beach exhausted and defeated. I soon found an abandoned inn surrounded by a dead forest. After several days of rest, I began clearing a path through the forest. I soon discovered.......that I was completely alone. The few settlements that once existed have now been over run with wild beasts. My only chance to escape the isolation is to find a way off the island."

The starting island will have several villages that have been destroyed. The villages will have books and notes explaining what happened. Deep in the mountains the hero will meet an old man who will help him off the island. Once on the mainland, the hero will learn more about the battle on the island and the current turmoil in the Kingdom of Cransmer. The king of Cransmer wants to rule the world, but he is facing resistance from within the kingdom as well as outside. Did Cransmer have something to do with the destruction on the island? Or is there another more sinister plot at work? 

I'm going to create multiple paths to choose from throughout the game leading to multiple endings.

I think the intro to a game is important. I want the beginning of the game to grab the attention of the player, so that they are wanting to dive deeper into the story.

Below is some of what you can read in the notes and books scattered on the first island. 

I'm not sure where they came from, but they possess

magic and have the ability to raise the dead. How do

you defeat an army that can raise the dead? I'm

changing the name of the inn to fit these dark times. (This is the starting location for the player and is called The Inn of Broken Dreams)

I am the last one alive in this God forsaken town. I

heard about a ferry to the mainland. I need to travel

to the eastern shore to catch the ferry. If you are

reading this, you should join me!

The tower...how are they still alive. I watched them

die.... Zofor may kno....I heard he's im.....I saw one

of them near the bea...

Journal entry: The army from the tower has reached the

outskirts of Seven Toes. What do they want? Some say

they were sent from the mainland. The kingdom of

Cransmer is trying to annex our little island. HA!

Pg2: We killed a scout team sent from those Cransmers.

They were wearing strange armor. Whatever! At least

they know we are willing to fight to protect our

freedom. Soon we will drive them back to the mainland!

Pg3: I was wounded by one of the Cransmer soldiers. I

could of sworn he was one of the ones we killed the

other day. Oh well, I killed him again. HaHa! It was

probably his brother anyway. One more down!

pg4: Jotham was killed today. We were flanked by those

bastard Cransmers. They caught Jotham trying to get

some supplies. Sad day. My wounds are not healing. I'm

a little concerned. I do not want to join Jotham!

pg5: @%$#, I had to kill Jotham today!!! How is that

even possible. He was already dead. I tried to talk

sense into him when he attacked, but all he did was

grown. My wounds have spread. WHAT'S GOING ON!!!!!

Pg6: Onnlly a ffew us leffftt. My wounds hhave sspreaad

mmoree. I feellll ssic........... 

Please leave me feedback on whether or not I'm heading in the right direction!

Thanks

Eddie
 

LootHunter

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@eddiespagati

Welcome to our ranks of RPG Maker users! BD

About making your story to grab attention of the player.

First, "show-don't-tell" rule. You probably shouldn't make the beginning of your story with your hero making this monologue. Let him just "get up on his feet" and then let the player explore the island outright. If you want to explore your hero character some more, you can add flashbacks or comments along the game.

Second, make a hero the way people would sympathize him. Comments (and flashbacks) should show him as interesting character. (Though I am, to my regret, is not qualified to advise how to do so. :(  ) Only in this case players would care about your hero's fate.

Third, I think you should watch Phantasm movie series. While it is set in our (not fantasy) world it also deals with the guy, who commands an undead army. Probably, you could use idea or two from there.
 

eddiespagati

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Thanks Loot! You gave me some good ideas to work with. Once I figure out all the tools in the program  I'm going to make a demo of the first island and see if I need to improve, scrap or keep it as is!
 

Zortik

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I'm looking for some feedback on a title for a game. I've more or less narrowed it down to two choices. They both say the same thing, one is just latin.

  1. The Eleven Kingdoms
  2. Regna Undecim
I'm partial towards the latter. But I'm unsure of going with a latin name as a title.
 

trouble time

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I'm looking for some feedback on a title for a game. I've more or less narrowed it down to two choices. They both say the same thing, one is just latin.

  1. The Eleven Kingdoms
  2. Regna Undecim
I'm partial towards the latter. But I'm unsure of going with a latin name as a title.
What's the game about?
 

Zortik

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Exploration, discovery of the world.

Each of the kingdoms has a governing deity. A driving point of the game is class/job expansion which is accomplished by delving further and further into each of the kingdoms.

Honestly, it's a lot to put into a single post here and I'm still working out the best way to showcase the hooks of the game itself. It's why I've been waiting to create any sort of thread yet.
 

trouble time

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Exploration, discovery of the world.

Each of the kingdoms has a governing deity. A driving point of the game is class/job expansion which is accomplished by delving further and further into each of the kingdoms.

Honestly, it's a lot to put into a single post here and I'm still working out the best way to showcase the hooks of the game itself. It's why I've been waiting to create any sort of thread yet.
In that case, I'd probably go with Eleven Kingdoms, but that's mostly cause I like the number 11, and 11 is one more than 10 which is generally the "max" so 11 is more than the max and if you want to present lots of options in the game I think it feels right.
 

Zortik

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Well, they both say Eleven Kingdoms. One is just saying it in Latin.

I'm trying to see whether or not the Latin name sounds nice or if I should just stick with the English title.
 

ksart

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*Deep breath*

Alrighty then!! My starter project (as yet untitled) is fantasy-themed with humans and elves, mostly using rmmv's rtp although i have ambitions to use hand drawn larger sprites and enviros but thats neither here nor there.

The intro ----

You follow Daren who is tired of village life and longs to explore. His childhood (Celeste) friend is a foundling elf who has never seen another of her kind. A short while into the start of the game, Daren is summoned by a ghost who implores him to go forth and fix the world. At this point not much info is given as to what is going on, only that something is.
The overall plot and backstory ---

In the distant past the world eas ruled by chaos (chaos being an actual entity with a will to exert) until a group of heroes were able to seal it with the combined power of the elements which in turn became concious. In order to maintain the seal on chaos each elemental spirit must be fought and tamed by a spirit master. The seal is now broken because the last spirit master died during their quest to tame a spirit and their successor has not followed. The quest of the hero is to find this spirit master and protect them as they tame each spirit and then fight the avatar of chaos to weaken it for the creation of a new seal.
The main cast ---

Daren, 18 year old human male swords fighter. His parents were advrnturers and he longs to follow in their footsteps

Celeste, 17 year old 'sky' elf female mage. Found by Darens parents and raised by them since she was 2. Wonders about her origins and feels lost as to her place in the world

Kaylee, 25 year old human female hunter. Also a bit of a theif, jokes around a lot. Never talks about her past. (I havent figured out why -_-)

Chase 24 year old human male healer. A pompous ass who was given to an order of healers to be raised, his mother is a poor commoner.

Heath 38 year old human male knight. Betrayed and framed for murder, he has been exiled from his homeland and family.

Mycia 14 year old 'wild' elf female mage.

Parents died when she was still a child, her only real companion has been a cat-rabbit like creature she calls Kerri.

Ferris 28 year old 'wild' elf male pirate. Ran away from home for the freedom of the open sea. The womanizer of the game.
There are a couple things I have left out on purpose.. some of my influences include the man in the iron mask, lunar silver star story and tales of symphonia.

Mostly I was curious to see if the plot is too cliche and cheesy. I would like to say for certain that this is not a love based story. Any feedback is most appreciated. Also, title suggestions would be nice! Thanks in advance!
 

jonthefox

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@Ksart, I think it's fine, I mean RPG Maker games, especially for non-experienced devs, require a simple plot...which, since it's still a JRPG, tends to be generic.  Nothing wrong with that.  People enjoy jrpgs for a reason, so as long as you execute it well, it will be good.  In fact, I am more drawn to games that have a simple story and simple mechanics, but are executed well (the premise is simple but the dialogue is really good so the story becomes compelling....,the battle system is simple but it is balanced really well, etc.) and I think a common mistake devs make is trying too hard to make some convoluted system.    
 

LootHunter

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@Zortik

I think latin name sounds nice. It also helps in the way that it's easy to find by search engine - if someone interested in this game would like to find it, typing "Eleven Kingdoms" can bring a lot of non-related (to your game) results.

@ksart

So far you only have the basis of the story. Yes, it's pretty generic, but it's actually alright. Many jRPG games have generic foundation, it's characters and their relations that attract people to this genre. As jonthefox said, concentrate on dialogs and character personalities - that would make your game appealing.
 

trouble time

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You know I haven't given too much information on my game's plot.

The story is set in an an indetermiate time in the future after a war with monsters called Otherkind. These creatures were mostly immune to the conventional weaponry of the time and humankind were forced into shelters built long ago incase of nuclear war. Eventually, someone was able to discover what came to be known as magic. In this story, magic is a single unique ability rather than spells anyone could learn, The Order of Blood Knights ended up fighting a gruelling 70 year war, but rather than winning, it came to a point the Otherkind weren't even a problem for magic users anymore so the new magic age began. The story takes place across the North American continent which is divided into two sides, the American Empire, formed from the union of the city-states and shelters on the eastern half of the continent, and the Independent States, which had to resettle the western side of the continent since it was hit hardest during the war. The Empire believes that since it was founded by the Order of Blood Knights that they saved the world and the land the Independts settled belongs to them, while the Independents refuse to kneel to Imperial authority. At the moment neither side is willing to make the first move as the most likely outcome is mutual destruction.

The main story begins with a choice between two protagonists (not exactly sure how I'll do the view point switching though). One is the Imperial Knight Iii Irene Ionmi. As one of the Empire's Errant Knights, she is tasked with investigating corruption and upholding the Imperial ideals within the Empire's borders. She gathers together a small group to help her as she crosses the country investigating conspiracies and protecting the citizens of the Empire. Along the way she begins to discover great threats facing the empire ranging from wasteland bandits uniting to resist the Empire's strict order, power struggles between the nobility, and even untold evil from the otherworldly realm of the Outer Inferno, a chaotic landscape somehow connected to the magic that powers the world.

The other is the goddess Dia, the most powerful of the Mystery gods, a strange pantheon with no known origin and powers outside modern magic. Despite being one of the most powerful beings alive, Dia has been defeated, injured, and humbled by the greatest of the Independent knights. The same knight also told her of all the harm her cult had done in her name, but rather than finishing her off she left her with something to think about "How can you rule if you don't understand your subjects." She secluded herself in her own realm for many months, observing the actions of her cult and she realized that it had become corrupted from within and she hadn't even noticed. Faced with her failure as a goddess, Dia decided her next course of action would be to become human.

This is just a really quick rundown of the two plots in the game, there's a lot more to both stories, but I didn't want to make a titantic wall of text.
 

LootHunter

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@trouble time

What happend to other nations? On the other continents?
 

trouble time

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@trouble time

What happend to other nations? On the other continents?
Well, the reason I didn't talk about them was cause the story won't leave North America atm and there are actually a few spoilers from talking about other continents, I'll try to avoid them since I want to use the setting more than just once.

South America has the claim to having the most powerful magic user alive born on the continent (in Brazil specifically). In fact, the way magic works in the setting, anyone or anything can have a magical ability, and the Amazon Rainforest itself has it's own magical ability  that currently isn't fully understood. It's also really rich in mithril which is used pretty much anywhere aluminum or steel would be used in our world. There are few magic users than in North America, which isn't saying much considering within the Empire and the Independent States 70% of the population has some magical power even if most of them aren't suited for combat. Also many of it's countries are still indepdent of a large central Empire like in North America, though the national borders aren't the same as the present day, they weren't before the war either (this is true for pretty much every contient in the setting though as a somewhat vauge indication of how far in the future it is I don't want to put a definite number of years on how far in the future it is.)

Magic is the most rare in European countries, but they've been able to figure out the many of the more technical aspects of magic use.  Unlike North America they didn't . The Mystery cults have much more influence due to how few magic users there are. They'd rather not deal with someone like the Empress or Haruka of the Independents so they try to limit contact with them except when it's nessecary. Especially the Empire which has quite the reputation for constant, violent power struggles and feuds among the Imperial nobility.  Government wise, there are several small city-states that exist independnet of the larger nations. 

Asia was actually hit the hardest of all during the early dealings with the Otherkind, and they weren't prepared to fight the Otherkind, Japan in particular was hit particualrly hard. Many fled to other parts of the world, notably the Empire's 2nd/current ruler was originally from China, and Haruka, the warrior who defeated Dia, is from Japan. The Empress and Haruka have both returned to their homelands numerous times and each time they have passed on and brought back new techniques. Also of note is that raw magical energy can be manipulated the same way qi/ki is said to be manipulated in martial arts. There is more than a little division on the issue of Imperial and Independent involvement in the area. Some consider them benevolent benefactors, others believe that they may be too closely connected with either nation. I would also like to mention the name Al Alhazred.

Austrailia had the easiest time with the Otherkind,.If anything I do know that there's a lot more technology and history that was lost during the Otherkind war on the contient, and neither the Empire nor the Independents want that information reaching their borders, and those in Austrailia don't want to have to deal with the Empress or the Independents. They also have very little mithril on the continent.

The African continent is the final resting place of the Prophets, the original magic users. No one knows why they went there, or what killed them, but there are very very few of them left, and only one properly trained wariror among the survivors. This is also the only place in the world with physical gates to the Outer Inferno, the realm of the Mystery Gods, which is both a blessing and a curse as there are benevolent Mystery Gods and malevolent ones, and unpredictable ones like Dia. The portals are hidden and can't be opened from the other side usually, but no one knows how they really function and they could become active at any time. Also of note is that they have the second highest number of magic users, and the highest number of non-human magic users in the world.
 

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Hello everyone,

I'm starting work on a new Project based on, believe or not, an Anime Convention I frequent, called Metrocon. For those who don't know, one of Metrocon's signature events is their Cosplay Stage shows, with their biggest being The Anime Human Combat Chess Match, where Anime and Game Characters gather at the "Nexus of Worlds" to battle for various reasons.

Video of This Year's Chess match: 



(Warning: Video is close to 2 Hours Long)
Story of the Chess Match So Far (Covers the Lore from 2004-2013 Chess Matches): http://www.metroconventions.com/control.cfm?ID=4027 - A lot of the Story and Quests will use this as a Baseline.
 

There are videos of the chess Matches from 2007-2015 on youtube, if you search for them. I have about 2-3 of those videos myself (With help from the Con Staff, as I've been working as Press there since 2009.)

With as long as the con has been around, and as much lore and story as it has, I want to put together a Game based on it. I may not have any version RPG Maker myself, but I've already found a fellow fan of the con who is using RPG Maker VX Ace to help.

Here's the Synopsis I have:

While Organizing their files from the last Metrcon, Nick and Alex, the owners of the Con, receive a urgent message about The Nexus of Worlds from it's Council of Protectors. It seems a unknown force has begun an assault on the many worlds within the Nexus, and they need help to find and stop this threat. As Overseers of the Nexus, Nick and Alex must travel to various worlds based on different Anime and Video Games, gathering allies, and battling foes, to save the Nexus, before all worlds are conquered.

Two Characters I know will be involved are the above mentioned Nick and Alex:

  • Alex is the more upbeat and friendly of the two. He is also the more Creative of the two, coming up with a lot of the plans. Problem is, he is often forgetful, even of his own plans, which leads to him needing notes for everything, less he stumbles into trouble.
  • Nick is the serious one. He's the General of the Brute Squad, Metrocon's Security Force, and knows how to keep people in line. He can be cynical and snarky at times, but he is loyal to his friends, and someone who you want to have you back.
I'm not 100% sure if they will be the main Protagonists, or if they'll even be playable, though they will be part of the group, one way or the other.

I've yet to decide who the Main antagonist is going to be, though I do intend to have the Villains from past Chess Matches involved. If I do use a past villian for the main, I'm leaning toward Xenmas (Kingdom Hearts II), since he had the biggest connection to the events of the past Chess Matches (He orchestrated the first 5 Years to reach Kingdom Hearts, and then Influenced Ashram in the second 5 Years.)

Some Story and Quest Ideas I do have (most based on the History of the con listed above):

1. Helping the Soul of Ashram (Record of Lodoss War) find redemption after the events of his war with the Nexus, by forgiving the one who drove him to madness: Altair (Assassin's Creed), who Killed his Love, Pirotess that fateful day.

2. Helping Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII) save a Corrupted Cloud from the evil forces.

3. Save Hitomi Kanzaki (Escaflone) from the Dark Side of the Force, and return her to her lost friends.

4. Stop a Vampire takeover at the Hellsing organization, and Resurrect the Fallen Alucard (Maybe to join your party at the end)

5. Do battle with Edge Master (Soul Caliber), who now wields the powerful Frostmourne (World of Warcraft) as the new Lich King

6. Join forces with Lightning (FFXIII) and Zack Fair (FFVII) to hunt down Solidus Snake, who escaped from their prison, and joined the evil forces.

7. Assist Kaiyaba Akihiko (Sword Art Online) create the Utopia he seeks, while making sure he does so without harming anyone in the process. As the Evil forces will attempt to recruit him, you need to convince him that their way is wrong. (Based on 2014 Chess Match)

8. The Final Battle will take place as a chess match, whether it be a Playable Chess Match, or just have a series of Fights, with the chess Match being a series of Cutscenes. This keeps with the Spirit of the what the game is based on, and feels like a Fitting climax to the story.

Some of these may be Side Quests, and others might be cut, but These seem to have merit.

Once I have the Story together, I will be looking for help with other aspects of the game. In the Meantime, Let me know what you guys think, so I can see what needs adjusted.
 

Naveed

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Okay I have a plot going, and this is the lore of my world. It's pretty long though, so I included a TL;DR version, though it doesn't give the full feeling as the original one.
Looking for some feedback if some parts seem forced/ out of place/ cliche/ unnecessary/ uninteresting. Basically if anything is wrong with this initial draft.
 
Full version:

About 400 years ago, mankind was divided primarily into two tribes: The Light Tribe, and the Dark Tribe. The two tribes lived in perfect harmony, co-existing with celestial beasts that held tremendous power. Yet no tribe would betray the other by trying to harness the ability of the beasts for themselves. The world was a peaceful haven.

 

However, rumours began creeping within the Dark tribe that the Lights were planning to take over all the land for themselves. The ruler of the Darks did not believe this, however he decided to take precautions for the slim chance that it might be true. They feared that the magic of the Light tribe was true great for them in the event of an attack, so they rounded up their best researchers to harness the ability of the beasts, but only for self defence. The scientists began intense research and eventually produced a special fluid that possessed the potential to tremendously enhance the consumer's ablities. Thinking it to be safe, the researchers mass synthesized the "Miracle Water" until eventually the Dark tribe had a lake composed of the fluid flowing through their lands. The king ordered all of his men to consume from the lake, which they had called "Ethereal Spring", in preparation for if an attack was due.

 

What the researchers failed to realise was a side-effect of their creation. Within a few months, the people of the Dark tribe started going haywire. Their newfound power was too much for their body to contain, and hence the whole nation went out of control. Their bodies craved power, and eventually it was them that attacked the peaceful land of the Light tribe.

 

A great war broke out between the two nations. The Light tribe were unprepared for the assault, while the Dark tribe was fueled by the power of the Ethereal Spring. The war drove on for years, but it had begun to spell doom for the Light tribe. Their forces were falling before the powers the Dark tribe had harnessed from the celestial beasts, and their resistance was fading.

 

At this pivotal moment, a hero arose from the Lights. He took it on himself, with a handful of his devoted followers, to put an end to battle. In his heroic efforts, he pushed back the Dark tribe warriors and entered into the heart of the conflict - the Ethereal Spring. At the cost of his own life, he sealed off the miracle lake so that such a war would never break out again. At the same time, he sealed off the celestial beasts into the weapons that he and his followers were carrying, so that their powers may never be used again. After his parting, with the celestial beasts' powers now diminished, his followers carried on to calm the war and try to bring peace back.

 

The powers of the celestial beasts with them, the followers then divided the people's magic into eight different fractions, so that no single element would have the power to cause such a worldwide catastrophe ever again. The Dark tribe's powers were divided into the elements of Fire, Thunder, Earth and Machine. The Light tribe's powers were likewise divided into the elements of Water, Ice, Wind and Nature. Afterwards, the followers sealed off their weapons in hidden locations, so that the powers of the celestial beasts may never again be abused.

 

However, the after-effects of the Great War lasted for centuries. The great era of battles began, in which opposig nations fought in numerous battles, as if carrying on what their ancestors' had started. Fire against Water, Thunder against Ice, Earth against Wind, Machine against Nature - the world fell into chaos. After centuries of battles which left scars on the world's surface, humanity finally decided to come under united command-hence the formation of the United World Army, or the UWA. The UWA served to maintain a high standard of living for all nations in the world, big or small. Their objective was to make sure everyone was happy. A sense of peace was at last prevalent in the world.

 

Present day, two separate criminal organisations, Nightmare and Illuminous (working names), are working at large into reviving the powers of the fabled Ethereal Spring. Fearing that another catastrophe could strike, the UWA is quick to acknowledge the two as serious threats, and hence set their primary goal to counter their advances with the united powers of wizards of all elemental prowesses.

 

However, with the antagonistic forces growing ever stronger, even such a unity could prove lacking.

 

Enter Raito! He isn't the best wizard out there, nor does he have the self confidence to believe that he could be. However, blessed with the talents of his late grandfather, and some mysterious power that everyone sees in him, Raito begins to harness the wind elemental gifts he received from his bloodline. Following his family's footsteps, Raito joins the UWA and begins his journey to attaining mastery of his powers and to establish his contribution in maintaining world peace. 

  

As the evil organisations grow ever closer to uncovering the secrets of the Ethereal Spring, the world could be on the brink of a major crisis. It is high time for the new generation of wizards to raise a hero to counter the inevitable. Join Raito as he teams up with a mysterious woman and many others in his own story of defiance against the dark arts, while uncovering ravishing information about the world he lives in.

TL;DR Version:

Many years ago, wizards of the Light tribe and Dark tribe lived in harmony alongside celestial beasts. However, fearing attack from the Light tribe, the Dark tribe began harnessing the powers of the celestial beasts and eventually synthesized a "Miracle Water" which granted them unbelievable powers. This was mass produced to produce a lake which they called Ethereal Spring. However, although the powers were meant for self defence, the great increase in strength drove the Dark tribe people crazy, and a war ensued between the Light tribe and the Dark tribe.

 

As the Light tribe were just about losing, a hero emerged and, with the help of his devoted comrades, sealed off the celestial beasts into the weapons of his comrades and sealed off the Ethereal Spring at the cost of his own life. His comrades used the powers to divide the people's magic into eight elements so that no element became too strong. They then proceeded to seal and hide their weapons away to prevent misuse of the celestial beast's powers.

 

Even so, the tribe of the eight elements carried on their battles for the next few centuries, until peace was finally achieved with the formation of the United World Army, the UWA.

 

Present day, two seperate criminal organisations, Nightmare and Illuminous (working names) are working at large to revive the powers of the Ethereal Spring. It is upto the UWA to stop them.

 

Enter Raito! Following his family's footsteps, Raito joins the UWA and begins his journey to attaining mastery of his powers and to establish his contribution in maintaining world peace. 

  

As the evil organisations grow ever closer to uncovering the secrets of the Ethereal Spring, the world could be on the brink of a major crisis. It is high time for the new generation of wizards to raise a hero to counter the inevitable. Join Raito as he teams up with a mysterious woman and many others in his own story of defiance against the dark arts, while uncovering ravishing information about the world he lives in.
 
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LootHunter

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@Naveed

Generally, all story is somewhat cliché. Maybe you can at least swap names, so it would be the Light Nation, which created Eternal Spring in fear of Dark Nation attack. And thus it was Light that started the war - that would be uncommon.
 

Naveed

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@LootHunter Thanks for taking your time to read my overly long paragraph ^_^

This is still an initial draft and so is subject to change. I can make alterations here and there, but besides that, how strong is the backbone of the plot? 
 
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