Plot and Character Feedback

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LootHunter

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Well, as I see it, the backbone of your plot (or better say, setting, because the plot of the game is about Raito confronting two evil organisations. And you havn't elaborated much on that topic.) is about great and dangerous power (Eternat Spring and Celestial Beasts) which was sealed long ago and now it can fall into the wrong hands.

And the problem is that it's pretty generic background. Not that it's a big problem, as many games (especially jRPG) tend to have generic plot (just look and recent Legacy of the Void, and it's not even a jRPG (mostly)). But still, you must put something into your game, into your story, that will make it stand out among other similar games, settings and such.

Take for example Disgaea series. Noone would notice another bunch of adventures, or a prince reclaming his kingdom... but the prince is actually a prince of darkness and basically you are fighting to rule the underworld not to save some generic fantasy land.

Or look at "You are not the Hero" - yes, here you do basically generic stuff, but not because protagonist is a hero, but because she has to deal with a mess made by "generic heroes".

So, if you want that your game would grab some attention, put something unusual into your story.
 

Naveed

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@LootHunter Thanks for the feedback. I agree too its pretty generic at first sight, but I plan to add quite a bit of twists as the story progresses. According to my friends, my story gets really interesting, but people might not get hooked at the exposition phase, so I'm working on that at the moment :)
 

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Oooh, I’ve been looking for a thread like this! Time to toss my game ides out there for all the internet to judge! Ha. Ok, so, I was originally going to write it as a story, but then I got my hands on VX and later VX Ace, and actually got about 20~25% done before, well.. my pc got stolen, and even after I replaced it, I kind of lost interest because I didn’t want to start all over. Then MV came out, and I figured, why not, right? Right. I should actually talk about the game itself, shouldn’t i? Sorry.

My game is a crossover between my own original story and the Shadow Hearts series. It wasn’t originally going to be a crossover, it was actually my gfs idea, because she told me if I liked the games so much, why not make one of my own? Sweet. Oh, and if anyone asks, I’ve sent an email to Aruze group, the company that produced the last SH game, and whom I still believe holds the rights to the games and characters, but since I don’t plan on selling my game for profit, and Aruze hasn’t produced a video game in years (they make casino machines now, weird), I don’t think they’ll have any problems. If they do, I supposed I’ll have to make something else then.

I’m going to use spoiler tags to break up the sections, but if there are spoilers within the spoilers, I’ll make a note of it, so you won’t read too much if you don’t want to. And here we go!

Character

Christian Masters, 24

At fourteen years old, Christian had attempted suicide due to being unable to cope with his abusive parents any longer, but ended up having his soul replaced with the spirit of Mezos, a powerful arch angel. Christian was found and saved by a old man, Percival Alsmay, who taught him to value his life again, as well as teaching him to control his newfound powers. Christian eventually joined a the Brotherhood of Life and subsequently became a “malice hunter”, someone who hunts down malice, the embodiment of evil unleashed by the wickedness of man’s heart. Christian made many friends and allies along the years, including but not limited to werewolves, vampires, even the angel of death himself. Christian has sense made it his quest to stop the son of the devil himself from opening the gates of hell and flooding the world with enough malice to start Armageddon.

Alice, early 20s

A mysterious girl who appeared after a ritual to resurrect a man’s dead wife failed, Alice has a pure, if naïve soul. She seems bound to a powerful book of magic that was stolen from a powerful and ancient wizard. Christian finds her and ends up taking her under his care and tutelage. Targeted for the power she posses, Alice finds herself enthralled in a scheme that may very well unravel the threads of reality itself.

Jeffery Gendal (Jeagen) 17

A spunky teen that displays an over enthusiastic fascination with modern pop culture, Jeffery idolizes Christian and has decided to follow him as his pupil. Jeffery works as a junior malice hunter under Christian’s authority, but his careless nature often gets him into more trouble then not. Jeffery is a self proclaimed ninja master, and practices what he calls j-style ninjitsu, which is basically where he copies the moves of other and pits his own spin on them. Sometimes he let’s his mind wonder, and often speaks or acts as though he were just a character is a video game or comic book.

Junior, 24

One of Christian’s oldest friends, Ronald Bronze, more commonly know as Junior, is a lycanthromorphic tough guy that thinks any and every problem can be solved with a hard enough punch. Junior’s hobbies include working out, hitting things, and acting macho.

Vargas, 119 (looks early 20s)

A vampire prince who had to enlist the help of the Brotherhood of Life when his father attempted to oust the supernatural realm in a bid to control the world. Though he’s technically a king bow, as his father was slain, he prefers the title prince because it sounds better. He often clashes with Junior because he believes things should be handle delicately and with tact, often calling the werewolf brutish and rash. Vargas has some distant relatives he never speaks of, because “eccentric, strange, and down right embarrassing”.

Keith Richards, 25

Keith and Christian are more rivals then friends. He harbors great resentment towards Christian because he still blames him for not protecting a mutual friend who was killed when they were younger. Originally, Keith honed his skills to challenge Christian, he has sense learned they have a mutual enemy. He begrudgingly aids Christian, but only when he believes it’s a mutually benefiting cause.

Sarah Alsmay,28

Grand daughter of Percival Alsmay, Sarah is exceptionally talented with a sword, but she has a fierce temper and an unrelenting ego to match. She suffered severe injuries at the hands of her own sister, but has since recovered enough to restart her career as a malice hunter. She respect Christian for his abilities, but if ever jealous of him for then at the same time. She resents him a little because the title held by her grandfather was passed on to him and not her, as well as her grandfather’s sword. She swears that she and Christian are equals in terms of skill and has vowed to surpass him at some point.

Fox Mask (spoilers ahead), age unknown

A mysterious but very capable fighter who crosses paths with Christian and his friends several times on their adventure. His real identity and motives remain a mystery to all. It is later revealed that he is in fact the embodiment of Amon, an ancient and powerful demon who was once in the service of a Harmonixer that defeated a fallen god and saved the world on multiple occasions. Amon has assumed the physical form of this young man in order to move about the human world in order to try to save it from the same powers that he and his Harmonixer master fought years before. Amon was once nothing more then a soulless demon in search of power, perhaps his time fused with the soul of a man has given him a new sense of humanity.

Caiden Weaton

Once a talented and we’ll respected doctor, Caiden fell into disparity after watching his wife slowly die of an incurable illness. His faith in medical science broken, he began to turn to less tangible means of repairing the broken she’ll of his life. Whispers of a book of magic said to contain spells capable of return the dead to life caught his ears. Though he was successful in acquiring the book, his attempt at performing the ritual failed and he was forced seek out the aid of another in order to properly complete it.

Damion Dark

The son of the devil in human form. Damion is calm, collected and measured. He never moves without purpose. He views the world as corrupt and unjust, a place where the evil thrive and the innocent are made to suffer for it. However, Damion is not malicious and hateful. In fact, it grieves him to see the world the way it is, and it is his sorrow that drives him to seek change. He believe he can find a way to force God to judge the world like He did in the days of the bible, and create a new and better world thereafter.

Roger Bacon, very old

Older then old. Roger Bacon was once employed by the Vatican to keep a record of a many great ancient tomes and scipts. He ended up learning many of the books and spells by heart, which came in quite handy after most were destroyed in a fire. Commissioned to rewrite a particularly important and powerful book of mahic, Roger proceeded to omit a certain spell that grants eternal life, minus eternal yourh, but only after casting the spell on himself. This makes his exact age undecipherable, and he has appeared to many different people in many different ways and many different times. Many seek him out for his knowledge and skills, but not always with the best of intentions. Roger always seems to belay just how much he really knows, but anyone who spends any time around him can tell there is much more to the old sack of bones then meets the eyes.

Plot (major spoilers)

Christian is ordered by the Brotherhood of Life to track down Caiden after he steals the Émigré Manuscripts from Roger Bacon. Christian arrives only after Caiden has begin the resurrection ritual and interrupts it. He doesn’t recover the manuscript, as it is apparently destroyed as Alice appears from a fracture created in reality. Caiden flees, and Christian takes the mysterious Alice with him. The next day it is revealed that the Émigré Manuscripts were not in fact destroyed, but rather fused with Alice. Christian reported his supposed failure, and the results of Alice and the manuscript’s fusion. The Brotherhood then believes the best course of action is for Christian to take Alice herself to Roger Bacon and let him sort the issue out for himself. After a few detours along the way, Christian and Company eventually find their way to Bacon’s homestead only to find him missing. Kidnapped for his knowledge of the Émigré Manuscript in the light of the books thought destruction, Roger is forced to reveal this information against his will. Soon rescued by Christian, Roger Bacon informs them that there are another pair of books hidden a way that his kidnappers now also pursue. Caiden now works in league with Damion, as he has promised to use his skill to properly conduct the resurrection ritual in return for the two books of which Roger spoke. Christian pursues them, but always falls one step behind. Finally acquiring the power of all three grimoires, Damion does in fact preform the resurrection ritual, only to have it be flawed because Roger Bacon had given him false information regarding the Émigré Manuscripts. Instead, a monstrous being with the face of Caiden dead wife in brought into existence, which Caiden, completely consumed with grief at this point, fuses himself with. Christian and his companions slay the monster and lay Caiden to rest, but quickly turn their attention to Damion. He preformed the ritual for Caiden as a test, having assumed correctly Roger had lied to him. Now knowing what parts of the spell to tweak, Damion uses all three books to first summon a giant floating castle called Naementon, then to summon the power of a God from beyond the stars, and at last to create a perfect vessel for the entity to embody. Damion bends the being to his will and assumes all powers, giving himself godlike abilities to rewrite the world it his every whim. All seems lost until Alice puts a stop to Damion, if only temporarily. Herself now the embodiment of the Émigré Manuscripts, she uses the last ounce of her own will to thwart Damion and return the world to the way it was before, even if it means wiping herself from existence. The end.
I plan on there being a lot on cameos and/or references from the SH games, but also I want it to be standalone. Hopefully, once I’m done with it, people may like it enough to go back and look up the actual Shadow Hearts games! All the characters will have their own personal side quests, with personal skills, you know, all that fun stuff. Whee, I’m excited even having just sat here and writing all that lol. One mechanic I plan on putting in place is a scapbook. Christian, like me lol, likes to doodle, so im going to change the key items to “scapbook” and have it so that there are “pages” for all the main story characters, bosses, and key events, and each item will display a hand drawn image I’m going to draw myself and save into the game folder.

Ok, so.. I guess this is where I get feedback and such, yea?

Edited because I dI'd spoiler tags wrong lol
 
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Mega Man Volnutt

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This is my main character so far. Unfortunately, it has not been fleshed out since the character's personallity is expanded the more I progress with the game.

--

This character is a Minun. A fellow rookie of the newly organized "Purple/Crystal/Sapphire Rescue Team". She was brought in because she has saved many Pokemon weather if it's a death risk or something simple like opening a jar a mayo. She was a self trained fighter training with her yonger sister Minccino once a week. Her training  she can't pack much of a punch anymore but makes up with "having an armored furcoat" making her below average of a Minun AND Plusle on the attacking side. Since Minun can't attack very well, she is forced to find enemy weaknesses (Bosses will drop element wands when defeated in the game) and  use her best tactics to beat them. 

Aside from fighting, Minun likes to ask questions to know what to do or about her surroudings. They are mostly simple however. She is also a very caring Pokemon, fitting very well with Team Sapphire. 

And that's about it.

As for plot. Not much to it. Your character's not a noble hero, you're not saving one person, you're not some epic hero with a tradgic backstory, you're not in a famous organization, and neither are you a famous paladin of the organization. Just someone trying to build up  to becoming "the very best like no one ever was".
 
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♥ azura ♥

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This is my main character so far. Unfortunately, it has not been fleshed out since the character's personallity is expanded the more I progress with the game.

--

This character is a Minun. A fellow rookie of the newly organized "Purple/Crystal/Sapphire Rescue Team". She was brought in because she has saved many Pokemon weather if it's a death risk or something simple like opening a jar a mayo. She was a self trained fighter training with her yonger sister Minccino once a week. Her training  she can't pack much of a punch anymore but makes up with "having an armored furcoat" making her below average of a Minun AND Plusle on the attacking side. Since Minun can't attack very well, she is forced to find enemy weaknesses (Bosses will drop element wands when defeated in the game) and  use her best tactics to beat them. 

Aside from fighting, Minun likes to ask questions to know what to do or about her surroudings. They are mostly simple however. She is also a very caring Pokemon, fitting very well with Team Sapphire. 

And that's about it.

As for plot. Not much to it. Your character's not a noble hero, you're not saving one person, you're not some epic hero with a tradgic backstory, you're not in a famous organization, and neither are you a famous paladin of the organization. Just someone trying to build up  to becoming "the very best like no one ever was".
Overall, you're using the exact same plot of the already-existing Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series. You might not want to do that. Pokemon fangames aren't bad, but try to make it your own instead of using the old "little Pokemon trying their best!" formula that both the games and the show have already used.
 
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Mega Man Volnutt

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Overall, you're using the exact same plot of the already-existing Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series. You might not want to do that. Pokemon fangames aren't bad, but try to make it your own instead of using the old "little Pokemon trying their best!" formula that both the games and the show have already used.
It's a game about a rescue team. What's to expect? The gameplay and even how it begins doesn't target towards that game's gameplay and plays nothing like PMD so why not. 
 
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It's a game about a rescue team. What's to expect? The gameplay and even how it begins doesn't target towards that game's gameplay and plays nothing like PMD so why not.
There's nothing inherently wrong with your idea. Lord knows I've been a pokemon fan since way back in my yesternyears, but azura has a good point. Originality is key. It's never a bad idea to emulate an idea or story to an extent, especially if you're just starting out, but if you out and out copy someone else's idea, well, that never looks good. And the pokemon world is so open and expansive, there are an infinite number of ideas you could use. Maybe not involve the Rescue Team, becsuse like Azura pointed out again, we've already seen that time and again with the Mystery Dungeon games. To be frank, I haven't even played all of the MD games, because they feel like once you've played one, you've played them all. And that's a bad feeling when it's coming from a franchise you grew up with and love.
 

♥ azura ♥

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It's a game about a rescue team. What's to expect? The gameplay and even how it begins doesn't target towards that game's gameplay and plays nothing like PMD so why not. 

There's nothing inherently wrong with your idea. Lord knows I've been a pokemon fan since way back in my yesternyears, but azura has a good point. Originality is key. It's never a bad idea to emulate an idea or story to an extent, especially if you're just starting out, but if you out and out copy someone else's idea, well, that never looks good. And the pokemon world is so open and expansive, there are an infinite number of ideas you could use. Maybe not involve the Rescue Team, becsuse like Azura pointed out again, we've already seen that time and again with the Mystery Dungeon games. To be frank, I haven't even played all of the MD games, because they feel like once you've played one, you've played them all. And that's a bad feeling when it's coming from a franchise you grew up with and love.
And just to elaborate in case my comment came off as hateful towards Pokemon ideas in general: I LOVE Pokemon. I have owned every game in the franchise since FireRed and I also used to do ROM Hacking, where we would actually hack/edit Pokemon games to make our own. I've played every mystery dungeon game to date except Super as well. The thing I was trying to say is that Pokemon is such a repetitive franchise (even though it works for them) that as a fan developer you've gotta do something different. Otherwise you'll get washed away under the sheer amount of Pokemon fangames out there.
 

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And just to elaborate in case my comment came off as hateful towards Pokemon ideas in general: I LOVE Pokemon. I have owned every game in the franchise since FireRed and I also used to do ROM Hacking, where we would actually hack/edit Pokemon games to make our own. I've played every mystery dungeon game to date except Super as well. The thing I was trying to say is that Pokemon is such a repetitive franchise (even though it works for them) that as a fan developer you've gotta do something different. Otherwise you'll get washed away under the sheer amount of Pokemon fangames out there.
While its true that pokemon game are all basically the same over and over (pick your starter, beat 8 gyms, stop some villains, beat elite four, beat rival), i have to admit..and IVE been playing since the GameBoy days, playing the same thing over and over again does get old. It works for them as a company because by the time people like me start getting tired of the same old same old, there is an entire new generation of players to cater too. Im not knocking youre idea either, sorry if it seemed that way. Im basing my current project off an old game series as well. All im saying is dont miss on a good opportunity to take something we all know and love already, like the pokemon franchise, and make it yours! instead of doing whats already be done, even though it works, give us something we havent seen yet. Take pokemon somewhere GameFreak and Nintendo would never think to go! Or dont. Either way is fine because at the end of the day its YOUR game, YOUR world, and as long as youre happy with it, who gives a rip what we think, eh? lol

but if you make a pokemon game where the lead character is a minun, you know were going to demand to see a plusle version too.
 

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Hello everyone!

I've been working on the dialogue for my game: Lost Legend: Dawn of the Managate. Some play testers have found the initial dialogue between two characters as a bit weak, saying they don't really connect with the main character overall. Below is my revised attempt at trying to add a bit more back story to the main character and the first character who joins you.

Firstly, some info:

SCENE: FOREST. BACKGROUND NOTES: Main character has been sent on a quest by the mayor to discover who attacked his town. The mayor is a spineless weasel who didn't want to risk his soldiers and leave himself defenseless. The main character is a young aspiring knight. He lives with his grandfather, whom was hurt in the attack. The mayor uses this to manipulate the hero into investigating the attacks out of pure revenge. The hero is young, hotheaded and angry at this point.

While traveling through the forest that boarders the town the hero stumbles upon a clearing where he is attacked by a wolf. The wolf belongs to a hunter named Fletch (the first companion to join you!). Fletch wants to know why a child is sneaking around the forest and after talking they team up to track the orcs which attacked the town.

REVISED MEETING

NOTE: THIS DIALOGUE STARTS AFTER BEING ATTACKED BY THE PET WOLF.

FLETCH: You there! What are you doing sneaking about the woods. Don't you know its dangerous,

there are orcs about!

HERO: I wasn't sneaking! I was hunting the orcs.

FLETCH:A child like yourself hunting orcs!
 

HERO:I am not a child!

FLETCH:You are compared to me. Now what are
you doing in these woods?
 

HERO:Why do you want to know?

WOLF: Grrrrrr

FLETCH:Down boy. I wish to determine if you mean us ill or not.

HERO:I mean you no harm. I am here in these woods at the
request of the Mayor of Vendale.

FLETCH:The Mayor of Vendale? That spineless idiot sent
a child to do his dirty work?

HERO:I am not a child! He sent me because I am the
best he has.

FLETCH:That so eh? What about the guards? The trained
milita that are equiped to handle such a task?

HERO:The Mayor didn't want to leave the town undefended
from another attack.

FLETCH:You mean he didnt want to leave his skin undefended.
Listen kid, its too dangerous out here at the moment,
go home, I will track the orcs and report back to the
mayor.

HERO:I can't let you do that.

FLETCH:oh? Why not?

HERO:I need to find the orcs. I need to find who is responsible.

FLETCH:Responsible? Ahhhh I am guessing something has happened.

HERO:........

FLETCH:Nothing serious I hope?

HERO:MY Grandpa is still alive but he was hurt because of this.

FLETCH:So it is a quest for revenge! That explains alot.
I can understand your quest but don't let anger
lead you.

FLETCH:I've tracked the orcs from the mountains. If you wish
you may come with me to investigate.

HERO:Come with you??? I was fine by myself!

FLETCH:Indeed, you got this far and it would be unfair
of me to turn you away from your quest. You need to do
this, today will define you but I must insist that if
you do continue that I will go with you.

HERO:........
           ........
           Ok but don't slow me down old man.

FLETCH:Haha old man? If I am so old you wont mind carrying my things
for me.

HERO:So who are you really? You look old but you look like
you've seen alot. Are you a soldier?

FLETCH:I was, for a time. Long ago.

HERO:Were you a knight?

FLETCH:A knight? Heavens no.

HERO:Oh, I've always wanted to meet a knight. I hoped one day
to travel to the capital and train as one.

FLETCH:Why don't you?

HERO:Grandpa.....

FLETCH:You love him.

Of course I do!

FLETCH:It wasn't a question merely an observation.

He is the only family I have left.

FLETCH:No parents?

HERO:No. Mama died giving birth to me and my Pa never made it
back from the war.

FLETCH:You father was a soldier?

HERO:I am not sure. He must have been. Fought with the queens
legion.

FLETCH:A knight then?

No, a ranger I think.

FLETCH:Interesting. I think that perhaps our meeting was more
fate than chance.

HERO:I don't understand?

FLETCH:I used to be in the rangers. I can't promise much but I
still have contacts. Once we see this through perhaps
I could find out what happened.

HERO:You'd do that?

FLETCH:I will try. Come we need to get on our way.
 

Marquise*

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:3 Sorry reached quota limit of likes but I can see clearly where in this dialogue I would be like "His best man is a child?" *roars with laughter* "All right army! CHARGE!!!"
 

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One of two story ideas I might go with, until the second one tempts me too much...
 
TITLE: Marina
GENRE: Horror/Action/Stealth
 
PREMISE:
Marina Marx is the biggest pop star. She’s the voice you can’t ignore. The idol you can’t hate. The girl you can’t escape...

And if anyone can attest to that last part, it’s recently-discovered busker Lucy Banner, who recently signed onto the same label as Marina. Within hours of meeting the angel-faced singer, she can already tell they’re something amiss with the pop princess and her devoted fan base, which spans from normal people, to cops, and even to studio hands. Barring the fact that said fan base has been likened to “happy cult zombies” by one (missing) blogger, “haters” of their musical goddess have a tendency to turn up scared out of their wits, missing, or (of late) dead.

Now Lucy (AKA “you”) have been labeled as a “hater” by Marina’s adoring public, and the world isn’t feeling as safe these days. Many people have been staring at you strangely. Someone appears to have gone through your apartment from time to time. And at times, you can swear that you’re being followed...

How is Marina doing this? Is she simply a good singer, or is there something far more stranger afoot? What’s more, can you live long enough to discover the truth?
 
CHARACTERS:
 
MARINA MARX~ Born in some small little town few can find on a map, wandering orphan Marina Marx took the nation by storm with her sweet pop ballads, smile, and sheer charm. As far as the world can tell, she's free of vice. Isn't taking drugs, hiding some random disorder, or having a spot in some cult. But few will argue against her hold on a fan base whose devotion is stuff of a cult leader or politician's dream. In fact, if one didn't know better, the might also say that it's supernatural.
 
LUCY BANNER~ Against the wishes and warnings of most people who know her, Lucy dedicated her life to music. An antithesis to Marina, Lucy tends to favor grungy, raw tunes with brutally-honest lyrics and a disregard for fashion. TV and internet being a casualty for the sake of paying her bills, Lucy never heard of Marina until signing onto Endless Dream Productions. Now she wishes she never did. Lucy wants to survive, but she also doesn't want to give up on her one chance for her dreams to come true...
 
MILES PAYTON~ A person you play as in between levels, Miles was originally a disgraced reporter-turned-tabloid "reporter" whose assignment required him to dig up dirt on Marina some months before the game. Of course, given that Marina squeaks more than a clean bathroom surface, this task was difficult. At one point, Miles just vanished into nowhere, much to the confusion of those around him. Did he get a scoop? Or rather, was it more than he was looking for?
 
JACK WIER~ The man who discovered Lucy, Jack has all the makings of an great guy and is easily one of Lucy's biggest allies. Easy going, charming, and having a healthy sense of humor, it's sad to think that anything bad's happening to him. But it isn't, is it? I mean, it's not like he's hiding his pain. We sure hope not. Because if he is, Marina might work her ways on him if the player's not careful...
 
WARREN NICCALS~ Marina's agent, Warren will usually be seen by Marina, if not all the time. Grateful to have found a bankable artist for the first time in his career, Warren seems to be always on the look out for her well-being. In fact, he appears to be flat-out obsessed. Is he a fan as well, or is he simply looking out for his meal ticket?
 
PLOT:
After being discovered by Jack Wier, Lucy Banner's demo album is set to be released by the studio's label, said label also representing Marina Marx. After listening to Lucy's demo album days later and releasing her own album, Marina attempts to bond with Lucy over dinner with her and her (Marina’s) agent, Warren. But the evening is dampened by a critic commenting that Marina’s new album is similar to Lucy’s songs, which results in Marina leaving the restaurant in a huff, Warren following after her.  On her way home, Lucy encounters Jack. As they walk home, Lucy notices that someone is following her.

The game’s perspective switches to seven months before the events of the game and into the perspective of a tabloid reporter named Miles Payton, who is tasked to try to find some scandalous angles on Marina.

Back in the present, Marina denies copying Lucy’s music and tries to convince Lucy to claim that she stole from Marina, Lucy publicly disavows Marina, which rubs the pop singer and her fan base the wrong way. After this, Lucy discovers that the critic who angered Marina was killed the night before. In the days that follow, Lucy finds herself increasingly-stalked Marina’s fans, which spans from civilians to police men to studio employees. The player’s actions determine their ending, which in turn will determine whether or not she can defeat Marina.

Marina's fury appears to be calmed a bit by the arrival of Ruth Worth, a woman who claims to be (the orphaned) Marina's long lost mother. Though Marina accepts the woman as her mother, Miles, displeased at this...

...reminds Marina that Ruth couldn't possibly be her mother. Marina rebuffs this, asserting her apparent dominance over the agent.
In order to get leverage against Lucy, Marina also begins to try to charm Jack, who is struggling with his divorce...
Miles’s story continues to intercut chapters. Finding no leads on decent tabloid news of Marina, Miles pursued Warren, eventually...

....using information/photos of his illicit (and illegal) affairs to bribe him into taking him to Marina’s apartment.
Lucy is eventually lead to Miles, who had since become a recluse. Knowing that Marina has a seemingly-supernatural hold on people, Lucy begs Miles for help, to which he invites her inside. Miles reveals that what scared him into hiding was what he found in Marina’s apartment. In one last flashback, it’s revealed that...

...Marina is actually an AI created to be the perfect pop idol. (It’s explained that Marina’s so popular thanks to subliminal messages and her being able to seamlessly follow music trends online; the latter being the reason why Marina’s music sounded similar to Lucy’s, which was trending online at the time.) Warren asserted his control over Marina, who in turn controlled her increasingly-rabid fanbase, and claimed that the nation wouldn’t care if Marina was a robot even if they believed Miles.
Miles himself was scared into hiding due to fear of backlash from Marina/her fans.

Though surprised at this, Lucy believes Miles and resolves to stop Marina. Lucy decides to break into Warren’s office and find a way to control/stop Marina, Miles tagging along in order to get his freedom back. As Lucy and Miles search Warren’s office, the agent himself walks in on them. Warren acknowledges the truth, as well as reveals that...
...Marina has since become self-aware and shunned his control over her. What’s more, Warren reveals that a previous attempt at creating an artificial human pop star (a real-life CGI idol in Japan called Aimi Eguchi) resulted in public backlash, which prompted a fearful Marina to actively ensure her survival. (He also implies that Marina genuinely wants to be human/famous.)
The climax depends on the player's actions, but my personal preference...

...takes place at a big concert where Marina is set to perform. Miles exposes the criminal activity of Marina's drones, as well as hints at her true nature. Lucy is able to save Jack's mind and bring him back to her side. What's more, Ruth's real daughter appears and claims her mother, Ruth abandoning Marina for her real daughter and emotionally ruining the pop singer further. In the end, Marina is convinced to sing in a duet with Lucy, in which Marina reveals her true nature and expresses her love of being a singer. However, Warren, watching the concert via TV, shuts Marina down.

In the fallout of the events, members of Marina’s fan base are tried and the courts are flooded with insanity pleas. A surviving Jack finishes his divorce and he promises to remain devoted to Lucy and her career. Miles works to publish a book dealing with his misadventures with Marina. Ruth reconnects with her real daughter. Lucy herself works on her next album, which is dedicated to Jack and Marina, forgiving the latter and even expressing sorrow for her. Meanwhile, a drunk Warren is picked up from a bar and introduced to his new client, implied to be another AI...
 

LootHunter

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I think, you should split dialog in two. The part that starts "HERO:So who are you really? You look old but you look like you've seen alot. Are you a soldier?" is (in my opinion) better take place, when hero and Fletch already moving together through the woods.
 
Also a dialog beginning is a bit confusing. How old is the hero? And was a wolf a threat to him? I mean if hero (aka player) managed to defeat the wolf - that means he is quite capable (despite of age), otherwise he indeed looks like a child not fit for the tracking orcs job.

@162

Generally a good and solid story. But

AI disguised as human is a bit unrealistic (at least if you don't place events into "near future"). And your proposed ending is somewhat cheesy for a horror.
Actually Miles, thinking that Marina is android, can be interesting midpoint of the game, but when Lucy and Miles confront Warren he would reveal...<a radical plot twist here>
Also I still don't get, how exactly you put stealth element here. I mean, I understand that player would have to go around "fans", but what penalty will be if he/she fails? Game over or something else?
 
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jvcscasio

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SCENE: FOREST. BACKGROUND NOTES: Main character has been sent on a quest by the mayor to discover who attacked his town. The mayor is a spineless weasel who didn't want to risk his soldiers and leave himself defenseless. The main character is a young aspiring knight. He lives with his grandfather, whom was hurt in the attack. The mayor uses this to manipulate the hero into investigating the attacks out of pure revenge. The hero is young, hotheaded and angry at this point.

While traveling through the forest that boarders the town the hero stumbles upon a clearing where he is attacked by a wolf. The wolf belongs to a hunter named Fletch (the first companion to join you!). Fletch wants to know why a child is sneaking around the forest and after talking they team up to track the orcs which attacked the town.

*snip*
Ok, so there are some things to improve here, besides the typos.

Does everyone in your story talk like they are actors in a theater? Because unless you are trying to replicate the feeling of literature, the dialogue lacks personality.

A boy would never say:

"So who are you really? You look old but you look like

you've seen alot. Are you a soldier?"

And

"Oh, I've always wanted to meet a knight. I hoped one day

to travel to the capital and train as one."

Specially right after they meet someone. And the man talks in the exact same way as the child.

Try imagining someone you know, even if it's through television, saying the lines. If it feels forced, change it.

Lastly, don't show that much of information right off the bat, spread the information throught the game a little more. An idea:

After this line: "HERO:I can't let you do that." have the boy run or walk away, only to meet an orc and get into a corner. THEN, the man arrives, helps him, and continue the dialogue.

This would give a different taste to their interaction and create the beggining of a bond between the boy and the man, to be used later.
 

Crocmon

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Hey! First time poster, tinkerer with VX-Ace and now MV for about a year now. I've got a decent amount of (unpublished) writing to my name, run DnD games, all that jazz. I've got a habit of tinkering with the RPGMaker system in fits, trying to get my creativity to go in one direction as opposed to twelve. The gist of what I have is a simple story involving a not-too-impressive young man in a science fiction setting as he tries to traverse a forming Confederacy to see his long-distance lover on Earth. I post this stuff here with a simple question: would you like to see this? I haven't finished the book that this will be based on, and so far I've got a "proof of concept" version of the game's prologue. But, for that to make sense, let's get into the game's high-concept of "Local Man Visits Earth"!

Title: Local Man Visits Earth

Genre: Visual Novel (To The Moon esque, very minimal battles)

PLOT: The bloody Plague War has tattered the once-mighty Republic of Terra, and factions have become states that were minted as the "Confederacy of Mankind" out of respect of the Republic. Despite their overall resentment of the Republic, the Plague War saw everyone lose loved ones. The Plague united all of mankind but briefly, with its absence comes an awkward state of cold-war as each faction struggles to legitimize their borders to one another. On the outermost edge of this Confederacy, there's a colony named New Eris. On this colony, we find a young dock foreman known as Royce Arnolds who is struggling to hang on to what little hope he has left of being fully content in life. After a truly atrocious day, involving busting his face in front of his crew, getting cross with the station's AI, and hearing about the ship he came in on being dismantled, he quickly ends up in a state that'd make You, Me, & Everyone You Know (specifically the band as heard in "Some Things Don't Wash Out") seem positively optimistic in comparison. He takes a bottle of scotch to settle down for a night, and ends up drunk-dialing a girl on Earth. In the following conversation, the two instantly fall in love with one another. He resolves, as they close out a night of talking to one another, to go to Earth and buy her a cuppajoe in-person. Without fully realizing the scope of such a goal, he sets aside a fund to do just that. The game, after a prologue that demonstrates this to the player, will be a VN-style adventure where he rushes from one end of the forming Confederacy to the other, and gets into all sorts of trouble in the process: accidentally robbing a bank, meeting a mob boss, coming face-to-face with a murderous pop-star-turned-spymaster and living, meeting the elusive cult who manages the Confederacy's economy, playing chess with a fascist dictator, dodging bullets, getting artificially made a psionic, and overall bringing a bit of stability to a disjointed Confederacy by his blundering through the borders of each faction and reminding everyone that they're all, at the end of the day, human.

CHARACTERS:

  • The following list will outline the primary characters I've decided; there's a lot of lore for this setting to pull from I have stashed away
  • Royce Arnolds, the titular Local Man, is a lovable goof who has an affinity for old music (contemporary pop-punk and alt-rock) and a bit more fire in his heart than he's aware. His more simple nature embarrasses hardened individuals and endears manipulators, but can have surprising moments of insight. He's very much a "Starlord" figure, drawing inspiration from Chris Pratt's presentation of Starlord. He lacks the self-image of a superhero, instead substituting it with a complete disregard for what a "normal man" should be able to do. He'll stubbornly pursue his goal, in spite of any adversity before him.
  • Lynell Martin, a secretary for Digital Rain Studios, a record label determined to push out hit after hit, Lynell was born of a slightly-wealthy family and paid for college to be a musician. Ended up settling into her place, never quite content but never depressed over it. Hits it off well after sharing similar interests in music, roots for Royce. Although Royce wouldn't believe her if she said it, he may as well be a stereotypical Knight-in-Shining-Armor to Lynell. His grit and determination continue to impress her throughout the story, and despite several problems that may arise in their relationship (long-distance being what it is), she will always root for him.
  • No there will not be a "and then they fell in love with other people" ending as the canon ending. Perhaps there may be a "bad end" should there be demand for it, but honestly I hate building up a relationship and dashing it 500 Days of Summer style to try and be artsy
  • Bee, like the buzz! is the only moniker for a mysterious companion Royce makes on the "hive of scum and villainy" known as Leuans Mercenary Outpost. She has a special shotgun that fires jets of flame, an affinity for explosive devices, and several prosthetics that appear to be much less advanced than they really are.
  • Talon, a calm and quiet man stands tall atop the massive Leuans Outpost. He rules over the various criminal elements simply: "Don't f*** with me." He takes any who can survive on his colony, and asks nothing of them other than they survive and never outright harm those who can't defend themselves.
  • The Mad Matryoshka, the deranged pop-star-turned-spymaster, the Matryoshka is a woman who uses strange methods to enthrall her audience and give them pleasures never seen before. Her powers are revealed to Royce through spiked drinks and the equivalent of Jedi-Mind-Tricks, as she takes him down a rabbit hole he's almost scared to try leaving.
  • Admiral Hayman, an extremely powerful psionic who works for the Republic military, known as the ECNF. She encounters Royce only briefly, but her impact on him is lasting. Commanding the massive supercarrier, the ECNS Churchill, she rescues Royce from several close-calls. Hayman is cold and calculating, having only brief moments of humor as she interacts with someone she suspects will do the Confederacy a lot of good.
  • The Director lords over the United News Network, a media monopoly. His interactions with Royce Arnolds are few, but the Director knows a media sensation when he sees one. The man who rhymes every sentence, no matter how stale it sounds, will be eager to try cashing in on a potential star.
  • Desmond Morganti stands tall and powerful in the People's Free State, and his classified origin stories make him a terror on any man's horizon. The Local Man meets him, and tales of Royce cause Desmond to scheme and plot as to how to abuse this opportunity. Manipulating and bribing Royce, Desmond's plans for Royce are anything but good.
  • More to be determined!
So the gist of it is that local man calls Earth-born girl, gets an off-the-wall idea, and treks across a sector of space to run to Earth and have a sweet date with his long-distance lover. Would this have any market/interest? It's a bit of a pipe-dream, to be quite honest, and I don't think this will be my FIRST finished RM project, but if this gets a following I'll be handling this as a solo project once I finish the book that will form the basis of the VN. Any words of wisdom from those with similar pipe-dreams or those that have finished their pipe-dreams?
 

jvcscasio

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@Crocmon


An idea, in the "They hit it off over phone" part, you could add a layer of Lynell at first having a second intention (like extortion, or wanting to travel and not really caring about him) however as they run into trouble together, she starts liking him (like Nami from One Piece, or like a certain character spoiler from The Force Awakens).


About selling and success, your first game will hardly be a success. As you work on more and more games you will develop a style, knowledge and hability for games that is impossible to teach.


Experience is obligatory, and you have to start with that in mind.


but don't give up, it's hard but not impossible, and if your first game is not a success, you can always remake it in the future, after you became expert at game creation.
 

Danito

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Hey, I Kinda just lurk around here or post in other topics xDDD.

Anyways I have this idea and I wanna know what you guys think...

So basically for my game I'm doing this thing where the character has the choice of good or evil. Depending on there choices, Will result in a different, yet same story.

Heres how the story would Look, its a bit linear,

            ----------------- --------------

            |        |            |

----------|        |            |

            |____|______|________

So Basically it starts linear but then it splits to the good and evil story lines, But you can alternate between the two depending on your choices in game. But in the end you will be forced to Side with Good or evil. But its an inner battle. 

Cause basically You the main character are a sealed bad guys who was sealed with the Life energy of 3 Heros.

So the Heros died but the villain is alive and You are basically the villain, But because of the Heros inside you, you have the qualities of those Heros, making you naturally good. But because you have an alive villain inside you, you have the capacity for evil, and thats Really evil evil XD, Cause it is a Demon king. So You can kill the people you befriend, Yet still be good. You can save towns but still be evil and enslave the world. SO that is my idea for my story in my Game that Im making. WHat do you guys think? All criticism Is welcome lol.
 

CrazyCrab

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To be honest I feel like if you make it so easy to switch back and forth the decisions will lose most of their importance.

I mean you're evil for the 1st 10 choices, then you switch with the 11th choice and boom you get the good ending.

I feel like the system would make more sense like this

                           Stage 2 --------

                                       /

Good         Stage 1  -----                 (...)

                  /                    \

Neutral  ---                       --------

                  \

Evil            Stage 1 -----

This way if you are evil for the first 10 choices, doing 10 good things will only bump you back to 'neutral'. Anything less will mean that you're still evil. And you could have decisions that bump more than once, let's say you choose to slaughter a village for the lolz. You are bumped 10 times onto the evil side, you giving one child a piece of candy won't make you the paragon of the land.
 

Danito

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To be honest I feel like if you make it so easy to switch back and forth the decisions will lose most of their importance.

I mean you're evil for the 1st 10 choices, then you switch with the 11th choice and boom you get the good ending.

I feel like the system would make more sense like this

                           Stage 2 --------

                                       /

Good         Stage 1  -----                 (...)

                  /                    \

Neutral  ---                       --------

                  \

Evil            Stage 1 -----

This way if you are evil for the first 10 choices, doing 10 good things will only bump you back to 'neutral'. Anything less will mean that you're still evil. And you could have decisions that bump more than once, let's say you choose to slaughter a village for the lolz. You are bumped 10 times onto the evil side, you giving one child a piece of candy won't make you the paragon of the land.
So Im just tryina to wrap my head around how that would work. I understand the concept... Kinda, Mind going into a bit more detail of how even though on the good path they can make evil choices, Yet if  they chose to save the world in the end, that would technically make them good. Are you saying that for example if he is on the evil path, He basically has the evil dialog but the choices to do good things while still being evil. but if he starts off bad then keeps chosing good, he would still be on the evil path, Yet if he chooses good till the end then HE is basically good.... but he cant alternate between the two paths so wouldnt that not really

work? Lol Im just a bit confused

Also Because this is all story related, as it is a bit linear. All choices are pretty big. So iF you do one of the evil choices like murdering a town, Then your next choice is finding some **** to save the world, But then you kill your allie, but then you save the world. You kinda alternate making it you can either continue on one path or change, Cause I want to say as a point that it is never too late to change, Lol as an example, Darth vader, Aka Anakin skywalker, HE started off good, turned bad than in the end redeemed himself by saving his son and the world, technically atleast.  
 
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Kes

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Jut chipping in here to remind people that this particular forum is for discussing general principles of game making that would be applicable to several games.  It is not about an individual specific project.  Either the discussion has to broaden out, or - if the OP wants comments/ideas/critique for this particular game - I can merge this with Features Feedback.

My sense so far is that this is highly specific to one game, but perhaps Danito would like to comment before I do anything.
 
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