Plot and Character Feedback

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trouble time

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Nobody gives me any feedback in this particular thread. I've posted plot stuff here twice, and nobody comments on it at all. By the time someone notices it by now, I've probably figured out stuff or changed stuff or whatever...


*sigh*
Don't feel bad, I got exactly one piece of feedback wen I posted in this thread and it was about what was happening outside the setting that I wasn't even dealing with.
 

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It's an interesting idea, and one that could potentially see some very "grey" decision making - which is a good thing.


However, if I may:


Why would the inhabitants of the planet allow the newcomers to take their relics given that the taking of them would destroy their own planet? That's a major point you'd need to deal with I think.


Secondly, it might make for more tension if all but one of the ships had a damaged reactor maybe, and you had to get to that ship but the captain of that ship was hostile because you are... different, you should make more of that as not only is your character different from the crew he\she was with, but equally different from the planet (s)he finds themselves on - plenty of scope for intrigue and conflict and what-have-you there.


Another option might be that you need to take parts from 5 of the ships to repair the 6th, and then power it.


Although it's certainly got some possibilities I'd worry about you running out of branches and the game grinding to a halt, and introducing a degree of "Ludo-narrative Dissonance" to the game:


"We have to get off this planet, I'll need your energy source."


"But you'll destroy us!"


"Tough."


Player - "But I don't want to destroy this civilization, they are totally innocent!"


Game - "Well it's either that or you and all the rest of the survivors are stranded on the planet."


Player - "But I don't want that to happen!"


There's a danger of what the player wants and is invested in, differing from what the game is trying to make the player do. That could be off-putting...


It's certainly a nice idea though. :)


Thanks for the ideas, I did plan on having some of the inhabitants try to stop you from taking relics but say on civilization literally sees you as their gods so believe it's yours anyway.


I definitely like the idea that one of the ships is far more intact and the captain is hostile, I'll be editing to add that into the game.


As for making the branching more friendly to the players, I was quite keen on the idea that no matter what happens you can't make everyone happy and have a perfect ending, but I'll see what I can do about making one or two endings where the loss is comparably insignificant.


Thanks again for the feedback :)
 

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Here is my current premise for my text based RPG "The songs of our sorrows"


The year is 2019, The united states of America have broken into two separate countries, The southern state coalition (SSC) and the North federal alliance (NFA).


The SSC announces that Genetic and Mechanical modification of the human body is banned and those with such modifications are rounded up for punishment.


The government says that the punishment is death, but this is not the case.


Rather, the government makes Modies (Modies being the slang term that the general public call modified humans) a deal, Join the cursed battalion, A group of modified humans who are sent across the border into the NFA to cause acts of terror. The cursed battalion is forced to complete tasks to undermine the NFA government such as assassinating Key figures, disrupting trade and industry and generally causing havoc and destruction. If you die, that's one more modie out the government's hair, If you live, well, not many do...


You are a new member of the cursed battalion and are put into a team ranging from animal hybrid experiments to ordinary people who merely had modifications to save their lives, together you'll push yourselves to the limit to get in, do what you have to do, and get out....hopefully alive. 


Characters (so far) 


Lucy Agaresta  


A tall young woman who doesn't appear to have any obvious modifcations, she's almost mute, when she does speak it's to the point.


Fee


A wolf-human hybrid that's never been seen before. She appears to be female. Very upbeat and happy but isn't very intelligent or is it that the wolf is taking over?


Knight Sigbad


A man who was involved in an accident and who's heart, brain and left arm was emplanted into a robot dressed as a stereotypical knight. he's got no memories of being human and actually thinks he's a knight of some sort.
 

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Here is my current premise for my text based RPG "The songs of our sorrows"


The year is 2019, The united states of America have broken into two separate countries, The southern state coalition (SSC) and the North federal alliance (NFA).


The SSC announces that Genetic and Mechanical modification of the human body is banned and those with such modifications are rounded up for punishment.


The government says that the punishment is death, but this is not the case.


Rather, the government makes Modies (Modies being the slang term that the general public call modified humans) a deal, Join the cursed battalion, A group of modified humans who are sent across the border into the NFA to cause acts of terror. The cursed battalion is forced to complete tasks to undermine the NFA government such as assassinating Key figures, disrupting trade and industry and generally causing havoc and destruction. If you die, that's one more modie out the government's hair, If you live, well, not many do...


You are a new member of the cursed battalion and are put into a team ranging from animal hybrid experiments to ordinary people who merely had modifications to save their lives, together you'll push yourselves to the limit to get in, do what you have to do, and get out....hopefully alive. 


Characters (so far) 


Lucy Agaresta  


A tall young woman who doesn't appear to have any obvious modifcations, she's almost mute, when she does speak it's to the point.


Fee


A wolf-human hybrid that's never been seen before. She appears to be female. Very upbeat and happy but isn't very intelligent or is it that the wolf is taking over?


Knight Sigbad


A man who was involved in an accident and who's heart, brain and left arm was emplanted into a robot dressed as a stereotypical knight. he's got no memories of being human and actually thinks he's a knight of some sort.


I do enjoy the overall concept, as it leaves a lot of room for conflict. However, I have to say that the wolf-human idea is a dead horse that has long surpassed being beaten and is now the patron saint of cliched, adolescent definitions of what passes for "cool". Pick any other animal-well not foxes-and you'll at least be trying something that isn't so overdone. It's just my personal perspective, and your idea is not at all wrong, I just can't stand the whole "wolves are cool and so are wolf people" thing. All in all, sounds interesting.
 

postnjam

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I do enjoy the overall concept, as it leaves a lot of room for conflict. However, I have to say that the wolf-human idea is a dead horse that has long surpassed being beaten and is now the patron saint of cliched, adolescent definitions of what passes for "cool". Pick any other animal-well not foxes-and you'll at least be trying something that isn't so overdone. It's just my personal perspective, and your idea is not at all wrong, I just can't stand the whole "wolves are cool and so are wolf people" thing. All in all, sounds interesting.
Yeah I'll most likely change the wolf lady. Thanks
 

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I've got a pretty big cast in my RPG, where the overall setting isn't much of a problem, although I have a few design problems with some of my characters. Each of my sixteen characters corresponds to one of eight elements (Fire, Water, Air, Earth, Lightning, Ice, Light, Darkness), having two of each. These are the ones I'm struggling to design either narratively or mechanically:


Bibli:


The first ice user, a scholar with the ability to identify enemies. She uses strategy instead of brute force to overcome challenges. However, I can't design a skillset beyond the first skill (which is basically Libra).


Emily:


The second earth user. A nature-affine youth with powerful healing. I can't really think of a good lead for a good characterization that isn't just healer-typical and I need a gimmick for her healing as well. I already have a healer/DPS whose skills power up as her MP goes down and one that casts a damage-reducing shield that breaks when struck, healing the shielded character.


Theta:


The second dark user. She makes use of psychic powers. This one comes with the wackiest concept I ever had: A tank with only 1 HP. It works right now by passively generating barrier points which service as replacement HP. While this concept is pretty cool as it throws off enemies targeting frail actors, it limits my design for barrier-related skills as any amount of barrier penetration renders her unusable.
 

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I originally wanted to make my story secret until beta release, but i guess i have to get feedback early or else i won't go anywhere.


The protoype name for the game will be Indigo Dream.


The story of this world begins with the classic highly advanced civilisation that is destroyed by an unknown force.


Their greatest leftover, the Indigo Library exists in present day inside an huge sandstone-like pillar called the Krumbion in the middle of the Hungering Desert.


The Indigo Library is a giant computer-like structure which houses all the knowledge of the destroyed advanced civilisation and has its own consciousness.


The Krumbion got its name because it is falling apart at places, aka crumbling.


The Hungering Desert is even more literal. Empowered and dotted with small fragments of the world magic power called the Splinterlings, (or short Splints, the worlds currency) small, red, crystal like objects, the Hungering Desert got an life of its own and consumes everything it can get its sand on, grinding it into dust. Where the sand doesn't reach, it sends its minions, the Golemics, ranging from "sandslimes", rumbling formations of rock, to pure spiritlike hungering manifestations to consume all into itself.


For many years, a different civilisation, a Theocracy, lives in and on top of Krumbion. They have most of their power thanks to the Indigo Library - though they don't have access to all of its knowledge -, but also the Indigo Nebula, a fog like structure that exists above the top off Krumbion and manifests water in an constant stream, leading to an part of Krumbion's top to be jungle-like. Higherreaching parts of the Indigo Nebula, combined with constantly shifting flying rock formations, create the S-s-shacking mountains in the sky near the Krumbion.


I guess that is enough for now. I gave a basic world overview, minus all the surroundings of the Hungering Desert. More World building and characters will be handled seperatly.
 

DarkBooDev

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I figured I'd keep my game's story under wraps, but seeing as how I want my gameplay and story to mesh together due to a sort of "moral choice" system, as well as the fact that I'm having a small bit of trouble creating a good opening, I figure I can post a heavily simplified version of it here:


The current title of the game is Penelope, which is also the name of the main character.


She is a young girl, roughly around the age of 12 to 15, wearing a purple dress, and I have her currently as a "silent protagonist" character, mainly for the common reason of allowing the player to insert themselves into her shoes.


The story begins with Penelope in her room, with nothing of particular interest to do. She looks at her clock and decides that it's really late at night, so she goes to bed. She wakes up to find a mysterious note left on her bedroom rug that simply says "come play with us", after which the door to her closet opens up to reveal a mysterious staircase leading down into a strange looking area. Upon entering the staircase, the door behind Penelope shuts, and as she goes down the long staircase she appears in a weird area, meshing together aspects of her own world and weird dreamlike characteristics, shapes, and anomalies. It's here she meets the first of the world inhabitants, a small white, red-eyed creature known as a Gemmi, who tells her that she has come upon the area known as the Vestibule in the land of Reverie, and he acts as a guide to Penelope, ushering her through the tutorial of the game. As they progress through the area, the aspects of Penelope's homeworld slowly disappear until it appears she's in a world of completely dreamlike qualities. Upon exiting the Vestibule, Penelope and the Gemmi arrive at an area known as the Nexus, which lies at the heart of Reverie. At the Nexus lies a mysterious crossroads, as well as an oddly normal-looking house. It is here the Gemmi offers to introduce Penelope to "their big brother", and he ushers Penelope into the house. It is here where Penelope meets another human in a blue shirt, Michael, who takes delight in seeing another human enter Reverie. It is here when Michael explains the origins of the world, which was created as a world where time stands still, a world designed for the young Gemmi to play in for all eternity. Michael mentions the creator of the world, known simply by the Gemmi and Michael as "Mother", who watched over the Gemmi in the Nexus until recently when a "dark and corrupted soul" attacked and murdered her, upon which Michael, being the most powerful being aside from Mother, assumed guardianship of the Gemmi, promising no harm to come to them. He then says that five Gemmi have wandered off into the different areas of Reverie for unknown reasons, and that several dark and mysterious creatures have appeared throughout the world.


Penelope tells Michael that she wants to leave to return to her own world and Michael offers a solution, saying the magical powers possessed by the Gemmi combined could perhaps open the way back to Penelope's world. He says that if Penelope can rescue the Gemmi, they'll be able to open the doorway. He give her a special locket, which he says "belonged to Mother", infused with the special ability to contain Gemmi souls for safekeeping. It is then Penelope sets off on her journey to rescue 5 Gemmi from the five different areas of Reverie. However, upon reaching the outskirts of the Nexus, Penelope meets a weird looking black and red Gemmi, calling itself Lucian. Lucian tells Penelope that Michael is lying, and then when Penelope collects all 5 souls he'll go back on his word and keep her in Reverie forever, citing that Michael has grown lonely and desperate for companionship. He offers Penelope another solution: he tells her that the magical power of the Gemmi is actually physically manifested in their hearts, and that if Penelope takes the hearts for herself she'll be able to open the doorway on her own. He offers her a "fond memento" of his: a sharp hunting knife, and tells her that, instead of rescuing the Gemmi, she should carve out their hearts and approach the doorway.


From this point, the story diverges depending on what Penelope does, with several paths dedicated to whether Penelope chooses Slaughter or Sanctuary, the two paths the game can take at first glance. However, if Penelope chooses to talk to each Gemmi, she'll find out that they had their own reasons for leaving the Nexus, and actually desired to leave to explore the world of Reverie, as they were always sheltered and grew tired of the Nexus. It is here where Penelope can choose a third option for the game's ending: Shepherd, where she chooses to help the Gemmi in their ambitions, which leads to the game's extended and "True" ending.


Additionally, there is a hidden backstory to the game, which reveals that Lucian and Michael are actually brothers, and that they arrived in Reverie one day with no memories of their lives beforehand and possessing only a knife and a locket which they simply remembered were keepsakes from their parents. Lucian grew tired of living in Reverie, finding the concept of an eternal paradise boring, and approached "Mother" asking her for a way to leave. "Mother" told him that there was no good way to leave Reverie without causing great catastrophe to the world. Enraged, Lucian stabs "Mother" with his knife, killing her. Michael finds him, and upon seeing the horrific sight impales Lucian with a magic bolt, sealing his soul under a small lake outside the house in the Nexus using powerful magic. However, by the time that Penelope arrives, the magic has weakened enough for Lucian's soul to re-manifest itself into a Gemmi, with his will manifested as the dark creatures seeking to destroy what Lucian views as an eternal prison, longing to break free and return to the human world. This reveals that Gemmi are actually human souls, and that Reverie is a form of purgatory, where Michael views it as an eternal paradise and Lucian views it as an eternal prison.


Sorry for that wall of text, but I think it's necessary to understand the gist of my game.  I won't spoil how the three endings play out, and the specs of the story may change depending on suggestions. Please offer any criticisms or comments you have on my story; it would be greatly appreciated! :D  


Thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy post and have a great day.
 
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kaukusaki

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Lenath is the young Prince of the destroyed kingdom of Leistar, he and two low level soldiers are the only survivors of their race, and the warlord who destroyed them has done to this young prince what he has done to many others he wishes to control. Using a magical thread said to come from the Spider who made the world, he sews the boys mouth shut and gifts him with a Soul Stone, the only way to continue living, as now he can no longer eat or drink, is to kill and use the Soul Stone to consume the souls of those killed. Unlike so many before him who were treated this way, Lenath uses the stone, and with every use is pushed further and further into the Warlords control. All Lenath wants is to destroy the Warlord.


By accident he comes across a young Healer, Seraphina, who at first tries to help him, but when she learns who he is she turns him away, believing him a heartless servant of the Warlord. Lenath returns to his two fellow Leistarens and make plans to kidnap the girl and force her to remove the Thread. But running from the Warlord causes Lenath a great amount of pain and he must rely even more upon his two companions and the Healer.


To cut the thread, Seraphina believes they must find the Scissors of the Fates, said to be strong enough to cut even the Spiders thread. However for a time she deliberately leads them in the wrong direction until she is confronted with the truth of the Warlord and the level of his control over the ailing Lenath. When Lenath manages to fight through the control the Warlord has over him, shocking the warlord enough to allow them to escape.


Along the way to the Scissors at last they are joined by many others seeking to take on the Warlord and slowly mass a group that might be able to truly stand up against him. Along the way Seraphina and Lenath begin to slowly fall in love and Lenath learns how to be more than just a tool of the Warlord. When they finally cut the thread and free Lenath from the Warlords control they all go forth to defeat the Warlord once and for all.


------------------------------


Thats all I have thus far on a game I want to start after I finish Storm Twins, but I would appreciate your feedback about it before I start. I want this one to be a lot longer than Storm Twins, which is looking to be no more than 5 hours gameplay at most. I would love to make a story close in length to a final fantasy game, and with a story as engaging. So yes, feedback would be awesome, thank you.
rape as a plot point for a female magic user to gain or enhance the use of powers a very weak and trite trope. Is it only by these means and must it be that way? Could there be other ways to defile and enact some sort of curse like touching metal eating meat etc. It's overused and there are many other ways about it.


think about the origins of your story - you're the creator god after all. Your world has internal rules to make it work.


also the characters motivations are weak and one dimensional. Ask why and examine their emotions reactions and thinking processes .


some books I recommend to help improve your plot:


writers digest fantasy reference


goal, motivation, conflict - Debra Dixon


story structure architect - Victoria Lynne Schmidt


writing with emotion tension and conflict - Cheryl st. John
 
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kaukusaki

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@RyanA That's when the story starts ^^ The current situation of us humans~
have the players play through the prologue and the second half can play through the current situation to the conclusion. The idea is quite fresh; I like it.
 

kaukusaki

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I figured I'd keep my game's story under wraps, but seeing as how I want my gameplay and story to mesh together due to a sort of "moral choice" system, as well as the fact that I'm having a small bit of trouble creating a good opening, I figure I can post a heavily simplified version of it here:


The current title of the game is Penelope, which is also the name of the main character.


She is a young girl, roughly around the age of 12 to 15, wearing a purple dress, and I have her currently as a "silent protagonist" character, mainly for the common reason of allowing the player to insert themselves into her shoes.


The story begins with Penelope in her room, with nothing of particular interest to do. She looks at her clock and decides that it's really late at night, so she goes to bed. She wakes up to find a mysterious note left on her bedroom rug that simply says "come play with us", after which the door to her closet opens up to reveal a mysterious staircase leading down into a strange looking area. Upon entering the staircase, the door behind Penelope shuts, and as she goes down the long staircase she appears in a weird area, meshing together aspects of her own world and weird dreamlike characteristics, shapes, and anomalies. It's here she meets the first of the world inhabitants, a small white, red-eyed creature known as a Gemmi, who tells her that she has come upon the area known as the Vestibule in the land of Reverie, and he acts as a guide to Penelope, ushering her through the tutorial of the game. As they progress through the area, the aspects of Penelope's homeworld slowly disappear until it appears she's in a world of completely dreamlike qualities. Upon exiting the Vestibule, Penelope and the Gemmi arrive at an area known as the Nexus, which lies at the heart of Reverie. At the Nexus lies a mysterious crossroads, as well as an oddly normal-looking house. It is here the Gemmi offers to introduce Penelope to "their big brother", and he ushers Penelope into the house. It is here where Penelope meets another human in a blue shirt, Michael, who takes delight in seeing another human enter Reverie. It is here when Michael explains the origins of the world, which was created as a world where time stands still, a world designed for the young Gemmi to play in for all eternity. Michael mentions the creator of the world, known simply by the Gemmi and Michael as "Mother", who watched over the Gemmi in the Nexus until recently when a "dark and corrupted soul" attacked and murdered her, upon which Michael, being the most powerful being aside from Mother, assumed guardianship of the Gemmi, promising no harm to come to them. He then says that five Gemmi have wandered off into the different areas of Reverie for unknown reasons, and that several dark and mysterious creatures have appeared throughout the world.


Penelope tells Michael that she wants to leave to return to her own world and Michael offers a solution, saying the magical powers possessed by the Gemmi combined could perhaps open the way back to Penelope's world. He says that if Penelope can rescue the Gemmi, they'll be able to open the doorway. He give her a special locket, which he says "belonged to Mother", infused with the special ability to contain Gemmi souls for safekeeping. It is then Penelope sets off on her journey to rescue 5 Gemmi from the five different areas of Reverie. However, upon reaching the outskirts of the Nexus, Penelope meets a weird looking black and red Gemmi, calling itself Lucian. Lucian tells Penelope that Michael is lying, and then when Penelope collects all 5 souls he'll go back on his word and keep her in Reverie forever, citing that Michael has grown lonely and desperate for companionship. He offers Penelope another solution: he tells her that the magical power of the Gemmi is actually physically manifested in their hearts, and that if Penelope takes the hearts for herself she'll be able to open the doorway on her own. He offers her a "fond memento" of his: a sharp hunting knife, and tells her that, instead of rescuing the Gemmi, she should carve out their hearts and approach the doorway.


From this point, the story diverges depending on what Penelope does, with several paths dedicated to whether Penelope chooses Slaughter or Sanctuary, the two paths the game can take at first glance. However, if Penelope chooses to talk to each Gemmi, she'll find out that they had their own reasons for leaving the Nexus, and actually desired to leave to explore the world of Reverie, as they were always sheltered and grew tired of the Nexus. It is here where Penelope can choose a third option for the game's ending: Shepherd, where she chooses to help the Gemmi in their ambitions, which leads to the game's extended and "True" ending.


Additionally, there is a hidden backstory to the game, which reveals that Lucian and Michael are actually brothers, and that they arrived in Reverie one day with no memories of their lives beforehand and possessing only a knife and a locket which they simply remembered were keepsakes from their parents. Lucian grew tired of living in Reverie, finding the concept of an eternal paradise boring, and approached "Mother" asking her for a way to leave. "Mother" told him that there was no good way to leave Reverie without causing great catastrophe to the world. Enraged, Lucian stabs "Mother" with his knife, killing her. Michael finds him, and upon seeing the horrific sight impales Lucian with a magic bolt, sealing his soul under a small lake outside the house in the Nexus using powerful magic. However, by the time that Penelope arrives, the magic has weakened enough for Lucian's soul to re-manifest itself into a Gemmi, with his will manifested as the dark creatures seeking to destroy what Lucian views as an eternal prison, longing to break free and return to the human world. This reveals that Gemmi are actually human souls, and that Reverie is a form of purgatory, where Michael views it as an eternal paradise and Lucian views it as an eternal prison.


Sorry for that wall of text, but I think it's necessary to understand the gist of my game.  I won't spoil how the three endings play out, and the specs of the story may change depending on suggestions. Please offer any criticisms or comments you have on my story; it would be greatly appreciated! :D  


Thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy post and have a great day.
this story is extremely linear. What are all the characters motivations? You explain what they do but not why. I couldn't put myself in Penelope's shoes as her fate (the story you set for her) is decided in advance.


what would happen if she disregarded the note? Is she lonely? Is making friends difficult? If so why?


writing a compelling story to play through should explore all options as a means to resolve the conflict that sets your world. Examine the reasons you have the conflict you have. Again it all resorts back to character motivations that drive the decisions and conflict in your story. Why does Gemini, mother, Michael , Sheppard etc act the way they do etc?


check out these books at your library to help improve your plot:



writers digest fantasy reference


goal, motivation, conflict - Debra Dixon


story structure architect - Victoria Lynne Schmidt


writing with emotion tension and conflict - Cheryl st. John
 
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kaukusaki

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I originally wanted to make my story secret until beta release, but i guess i have to get feedback early or else i won't go anywhere.


The protoype name for the game will be Indigo Dream.


The story of this world begins with the classic highly advanced civilisation that is destroyed by an unknown force.


Their greatest leftover, the Indigo Library exists in present day inside an huge sandstone-like pillar called the Krumbion in the middle of the Hungering Desert.


The Indigo Library is a giant computer-like structure which houses all the knowledge of the destroyed advanced civilisation and has its own consciousness.


The Krumbion got its name because it is falling apart at places, aka crumbling.


The Hungering Desert is even more literal. Empowered and dotted with small fragments of the world magic power called the Splinterlings, (or short Splints, the worlds currency) small, red, crystal like objects, the Hungering Desert got an life of its own and consumes everything it can get its sand on, grinding it into dust. Where the sand doesn't reach, it sends its minions, the Golemics, ranging from "sandslimes", rumbling formations of rock, to pure spiritlike hungering manifestations to consume all into itself.


For many years, a different civilisation, a Theocracy, lives in and on top of Krumbion. They have most of their power thanks to the Indigo Library - though they don't have access to all of its knowledge -, but also the Indigo Nebula, a fog like structure that exists above the top off Krumbion and manifests water in an constant stream, leading to an part of Krumbion's top to be jungle-like. Higherreaching parts of the Indigo Nebula, combined with constantly shifting flying rock formations, create the S-s-shacking mountains in the sky near the Krumbion.


I guess that is enough for now. I gave a basic world overview, minus all the surroundings of the Hungering Desert. More World building and characters will be handled seperatly.
why did the theocracy evolve and survive in your worlds present day? Is it due to the destruction of the indigo? What destroyed them? Why was the machine left behind? Is the theocracy anti science or based in science as their religion to recover the workings of the machine to get it functional again? The theocracy's role isn't evidently clear. Are they trying to restore the advancements of the past civilization? Lastly What's the point of the mountain and jungle and fog?


we're not in your head so it's too vague to truly analyze.


I hope these questions helped...
 

kaukusaki

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I've got a pretty big cast in my RPG, where the overall setting isn't much of a problem, although I have a few design problems with some of my characters. Each of my sixteen characters corresponds to one of eight elements (Fire, Water, Air, Earth, Lightning, Ice, Light, Darkness), having two of each. These are the ones I'm struggling to design either narratively or mechanically:


Bibli:


The first ice user, a scholar with the ability to identify enemies. She uses strategy instead of brute force to overcome challenges. However, I can't design a skillset beyond the first skill (which is basically Libra).


Emily:


The second earth user. A nature-affine youth with powerful healing. I can't really think of a good lead for a good characterization that isn't just healer-typical and I need a gimmick for her healing as well. I already have a healer/DPS whose skills power up as her MP goes down and one that casts a damage-reducing shield that breaks when struck, healing the shielded character.


Theta:


The second dark user. She makes use of psychic powers. This one comes with the wackiest concept I ever had: A tank with only 1 HP. It works right now by passively generating barrier points which service as replacement HP. While this concept is pretty cool as it throws off enemies targeting frail actors, it limits my design for barrier-related skills as any amount of barrier penetration renders her unusable.
to even get the mechanics working, you need to establish why your eight elements exist and why/how they interact with the genders in the world. Also you need to explain how your magic exists in your world.


you are the universe's god. Your story bible explains why your world works, and it helps shape how you'll program the game and involve the players in the characters' lives you created.


I hate to sound like a broken record. These books might help you sort out your story.


writers digest fantasy reference


goal, motivation, conflict - Debra Dixon
story structure architect - Victoria Lynne Schmidt


writing with emotion tension and conflict - Cheryl st. John
 
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kaukusaki

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Yeah I'll most likely change the wolf lady. Thanks
why must it be wolves? Why not eagles or lizards or spiders or sheep or gerbils etc? How does this animal hybrid exist in your story's universe? Just something to think about to flesh your story further. It's solid so far, just need to iron out details.
 

DarkBooDev

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@kaukusaki Thank you very much for your feedback. In the time between when I posted this and now, I've rethought my opening scene several times over to better set up the world I have envisioned. I'm not sure having the note was the best choice. I'd figure instead I'd have Penelope be reading a book that contains foreshadowing towards the characters of Michael and Lucian and hints at their backstory, and then have her go to bed and wake up later to find the portal/staircase open. I figured I'd leave Penelope's motivations up to the player, since her entire personality would be shaped by whether the player chose to blindly follow Michael, be tempted by Lucian, or play by her own rules, which I designed to tie into the gameplay. I played with the idea of her struggling with dependence on others or a general weak will, and the story would be about her having to rely on herself to solve problems, but I'd like to have the story focus on both her and the strained relationship between Michael and Lucian, with a central message of having control over your life and shaping your future, and showing that not everything in the world will be "black and white", forcing you to draw own conclusions sometimes. I figured Michael had grown attached to the Gemmi and was so afraid of losing more of his family to Lucian that he forbids them from exploring the rest of Reverie outside of his protection. However he also desires to see another human again, so he tries to rope Penelope into becoming attached to the world as well so that she'll stay with him. Lucian on the other hand desires to see his true home again, the human world, and he sees Penelope as the perfect opportunity to get what he wants. He felt detached from the Gemmi because they weren't in fact human like him, and felt detached from Michael for trying to dissociate himself from their past life and family. He figures that the only way to leave Reverie and coerce Michael to give up would be to take away the only other family he has other than Lucian: the Gemmi. He possesses this sort of perverse idea that Michael will have no option other to return to the human world with him or face an eternity alone in Reverie.
 

Valryia

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why did the theocracy evolve and survive in your worlds present day? Is it due to the destruction of the indigo? What destroyed them? Why was the machine left behind? Is the theocracy anti science or based in science as their religion to recover the workings of the machine to get it functional again? The theocracy's role isn't evidently clear. Are they trying to restore the advancements of the past civilization? Lastly What's the point of the mountain and jungle and fog?


we're not in your head so it's too vague to truly analyze.


I hope these questions helped...


The theocracy is actually made out of a single "Queen", but not in a "bloodline" sense. (Though often a daughter gets the inheritance) The "Queen" has one of the great artifacts of the ancients in her possesion, the aptly named Indigo Crystal (even though it is green, which is pointed out often). You see, magic in this world needs an focus to work. Which is often a crystal-like object - like the before mentioned splinterlings (though they have to be refined first). The Queens crystal can hold massive amounts of magic, strong enough to be the sole reason why no invader attacks from neighboring states. (The civilisation west of Krumbion is imaginable as "fire nation x warhammer 40k" - inclusing giant airships - and would really need the water spending fog of Krumbion. The rest of the upper goverment is a mesh made out of royalty and businessman. It is mostly seperate from the goverment in the lower levels of the Krumbion, since they have to deal with entirely different aspects - the lower goverment is busy uncovering parts of the lower Krumbion (The hero being part of that, at first) and keeping the hungering desert at bay (job of the royal guard, which is skilled in destroying splinterlings / magic, and such destroying the power source of the hungering deserts minions), while the upper goverment is busy with trading / politics.


As for the mountain and the fog, they are both remnants made by the ancients that survived to present time.


As i am writing this, i wonder how the legal stuff is if someone would use anything wroten down here by someone else for themselves...
 

kaukusaki

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The theocracy is actually made out of a single "Queen", but not in a "bloodline" sense. (Though often a daughter gets the inheritance) The "Queen" has one of the great artifacts of the ancients in her possesion, the aptly named Indigo Crystal (even though it is green, which is pointed out often). You see, magic in this world needs an focus to work. Which is often a crystal-like object - like the before mentioned splinterlings (though they have to be refined first). The Queens crystal can hold massive amounts of magic, strong enough to be the sole reason why no invader attacks from neighboring states. (The civilisation west of Krumbion is imaginable as "fire nation x warhammer 40k" - inclusing giant airships - and would really need the water spending fog of Krumbion. The rest of the upper goverment is a mesh made out of royalty and businessman. It is mostly seperate from the goverment in the lower levels of the Krumbion, since they have to deal with entirely different aspects - the lower goverment is busy uncovering parts of the lower Krumbion (The hero being part of that, at first) and keeping the hungering desert at bay (job of the royal guard, which is skilled in destroying splinterlings / magic, and such destroying the power source of the hungering deserts minions), while the upper goverment is busy with trading / politics.


As for the mountain and the fog, they are both remnants made by the ancients that survived to present time.


As i am writing this, i wonder how the legal stuff is if someone would use anything wroten down here by someone else for themselves...
You know a theocracy is a form of government in which a diety considered the source from which all authority derives. (like Vatican city) A single bloodline form of government is absolute monarchy. In this case you have a magocracy where the government's highest authority is a practitioner of magic.  I'm not sure how else to help.
 

Valryia

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You know a theocracy is a form of government in which a diety considered the source from which all authority derives. (like Vatican city) A single bloodline form of government is absolute monarchy. In this case you have a magocracy where the government's highest authority is a practitioner of magic.  I'm not sure how else to help.
Yes. A Diety. There is a reason i used quotation marks on "Queen". The Indigo Crystal is that powerful.
 

Niten Ichi Ryu

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What Kaukusaki meant is that we is usually referred as theocracy is a form of administrative government where functions are exercised by a clergy or priestly order.


So to use correctly the term Theocracy, it is sort of expected that the ruler is divine (not necessarily an existing being) or appear as divine (as in your Queen, whose divine powers are the result of a cristal) or that the state is ruled by the Representative of a god on earth (as for the Pope for Catholic Church), but also that the whole body of state is composed of religious characters, and that a religious dogma dictates the way this government/state/Hierarchdom operates.


to help renforce the coherence of the term theocracy, maybe name your Queen God-Queen (or Goddess-Queen), and define the upper strata of government as a group of privileged ecclesiastics.


Also, does the indigo crystal makes her into a goddess, or is she passing as a goddess due to the power of the crystal? what I mean is: is it really a sort of theocracy, or is it a manipulation with the trappings of a theocracy?


Also guys, you might make sure we talk about a Deity... a diety sounds like some stuff for weight loss.
 
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Valryia

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@Niten Ichi Ryu She - and the others before her - had another name, but once in control of the Indigo Star they are all called "The Queen" by the respectful citizens and also most foreigners. There aren't any priest, she only has a handful of handmaidens. Her powers - while massive - are mainly destructive, so she does need resources. Besides her control of the Indigo Star, the control over Krumbion is left with the locals. If you want to be plumb, view her as a living nuke silo.


You see, the Indigo Library mentioned before not only imparts knowledge (though that process by itself is complicated) with the citizens, but also a certain uncousious connection between all of them, if i democratic decison has to be made. The exception is that a faction of the nobles made themselves and their children resistant to the influence of the Indigo Library with a special collar. (Only someone who is born in the city is directly connected to the Indigo Library)


The endeffect is that a sort of guiding goverment is mostly unneccesary - most decisions are made democratically, but silent for any foreigner. The is a "Royal Guard" but they are mostly there to deal with the hungering deserts minions and foreign mages. Protective guards are not neccesary since all of the citizens are imparted with self-defense. As for Law, the unconcious connection makes the citizens aware of each others plight, not only causing them to help each other much more easily, but making crime unnecesary. Any problems are caused by the hungering desert, the lower reaches of Krumbion - which does have an security system - and foreigners.
 
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