Plot and Character Feedback

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Niten Ichi Ryu

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ok, so basically there isn't any recognition of divinity or even really clergy, more a kind of awe and fear from the people. There is also a collective mind, with a small faction resistant to the collectivity.


That sounds cool and really developpd, but that really doesn't sound like what a theocracy really means and thus such society wouldn't really refer to itself as a Theocracy. I agree that there is a sort of charisma to the word theocracy, but I feel it does not serve this society well.


Maybe going for a name like "enlightened queendom" would be appropriate.
 

Valryia

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@Niten Ichi Ryu The is no "fear". At worst it is awe, and then only from foreigners (the officiall status is neutral, trading is going in all directions). None of the Queens are tyrannical, if they were, they wouldn't be able to control the Indigo Star.


There isn't an absolute collective mind, ala star trek borg. The mind connection is neither constant, nor mind controlling. They are still talking with each other, and even with bigger decisions, they are guided by "showing" solutions. The mind connection is subtle, but effective nontheless.


Ultimatically, they are called an theocracy because that is what they are viewed by foreigners, that's why. It makes the most sense to them.
 
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Ah, what the hey, I'll post my Profiles for some of my Actors here, why not?

Minuet-


A young noblewoman who's been Alto's best friend since they were children.


Impulsive, and maybe more than a little spoiled by her higher upbringing,


she tries her best to not let it go to her head.


Lyric-


The leader of his quintet of Knights, he took Quintus in when he was young and raised him as his own,


apprenticing him as his squire when he came of age.


Kind and noble of heart, Lyric is always looking for solutions that benefit everyone,


but understands that sometimes sacrifice is unavoidable.


Harper-


A quiet stoic young man who much prefers his


inventions than interacting with people sometimes.


Still, he was recruited because they needed someone crafty and smart for their team and he fit the bill.


However, don't underestimate his loyalty, despite what one would think,


he DOES care for his comrades, he just doesn't show it much.


He keeps his emotions mostly in check, and is not easily scared or surprised or shocked by things.


Sonore-


The optimistic one of Lyric's Quintet, he's a lover of stories and always up for a good laugh.


If Harper is the brain of the group, then Sonore is the heart.


His best pal and partner in crime is Legato, but Quintus's enthusiasm is liked by him as well, and is actively encouraged by him.


Legato-


The sly prankster and trap maker of the group.


He's the jokester of the group, and from first glance,


one would think he never takes anything seriously at all,


especially when he's tag teaming with Sonore.


However, when things go pear shaped, even he stops laughing.


When Legato is serious, you know a situation is bad.


Quintus- (quick note: This is the younger version of Quintus, not the one we normally control in the other chapters)


A little man who wants to do big things.


He is Sir Lyric's squire,


but considers the other Knights his family as well.
 

Syndicatech

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So I'm working on my very first rpg.  I've put together my bed time fantasies to be made into my dream game  :D .  I've kinda worked out the prologue as well as some of the character profiles.  Please do give feedback as I'm not a very creative person and would appreciate the help!


Prologue:

[The military and political stuff being in spanish are still up for change (Im not spanish if you're curious xD)]


You are Champagne Bellerose,  daughter of  Chason Bellerose and the heir of the Bellerose house.  Ever since you were young, your father was the greatest inspiration to you.  You always wanted to be like your father who was a senator of the empire.  You would see him legislating laws and establishing public places.  At the age of 16, you decide to join the imperial army and serve the empire just like your father.  After just 5 years, you rose to the rank of “Comandante” and became well known throughout the empire.  A year later, you were initiated into the “Conquistadores de San Gabriel”, an elite invasion force commanded by the emperor himself,  Supreme Vasco De Gallo.  However, not all was well.  November of that very year, chaos began in your homeland, the Great Empire of Heliophotica.  A coup d’état was staged by the emperor’s son, Justitia De Gallo.  An evening during one of the emperor’s feasts, Justitia spiked the wine with a strong poison killing the emperor and the entire senate.  The following day Justitia proclaimed himself as the emperor of Heliophotica and removed any sort of political power from anyone aside from himself.  You know of this immediately and escape the empire together with two of your closest friends, “Coronel” Amelia  Garner and “Alferez” Jonathan Samuel.  As the moon was at its peak,  the three ride out of the kingdom and escaped to the remote village of Memoriam.  Now go and decide your fate!!!


Character Profiles:








The ones with an asterisk (*) are playable characters.


*Champagne Bellerose:  A brave and strong woman.  She is capable of handling herself in even the stickiest of situations due to her adaptable nature.  She is lacking in the ability to convey emotions; heck sometimes she just throws emotions outta the window!  She does not hesitate doing things that may seem immoral if it comes between her and her goal.  (She also eats a ton but nobody notices xD)


Amy Bellerose:  Champagne's sister. A year yonger than Champagne.  The second most important person to her after her father.  Unlike Champagne, she is a timid person in nature.  She is currently studying medical geology (in my game rocks are super cool).  She loves her sister as much as Champagne loves her.  Although being timid as mentioned, she does support her sister's somewhat outlandish ways.  She believes that everyone has a special defining trait.


Chason Bellerose:  A major senator of Heliophotica.  Close friend of the emperor ever since they were little.  Strong lawmaker that absolutely hates criminals.  He once had a band of illegal potion merchants march the street naked while being tortured.  The empire loves him because of stand against crime.  His works made Heliophotica the safest empire in the lands.


Lady Annette Bellerose:  The late wife of Chason Bellerose.  She worked as a restaurant owner until she met Chason.  After she got married, the couple set up a business in trading of minerals such as hematite and bauxite as well as expensive amalgam solutions.  Annette was murdered when Champagne was only 10 years old.  She was in their warehouse when a group of armed assailants raided the warehouse, particularly stealing all of their Aqua Platinus (Platinum amalgam).  Maybe this is why Chason entered politics.  Who knows?


Supreme Vasco De Gallo:  The emperor of Heliophotica.  Supports Chason on his stand against crime.  His works made Heliophotica a bustling center for legal trade.  Listens on the opinions of his people.  A simple man that prefers to live in his family's manor instead of the grand palace.


Revered Justita De Gallo:  Son of the emperor.  A cheap prick that likes to backstab people.  He killed his own father and the other oppositions in the government to become the new emperor.  He proclaimed martial law on the entire empire and formed the "Soldados de la Reforma", a branch of the military that is specialized to cause "reform" (oppression) to the neighboring villages and kingdoms.  He does not care for material possessions or even power.  His reasons behind his actions remain unknown.


*Amelia Garner:  Champagne's "partner in crime" after they escaped the empire.  She is fond of verbally insulting anyone for many reasons.  Always asks Champagne "How are you eating so much and not gain weight?".  No stranger to violence and killing, but unlike Champagne, she does not like using sly tactics.  


*Jonathan Samuel:  A former official of the "Círculo de Hierro" (the Red Cross in their world).  His expertise are healing and knowledge of medicinal minerals and rocks.  A peace-lover before, all that changed when his brother was killed in war.  Now, he aims to make his life useful and help those at war.  He may not be a fighter or warrior in any way, don't underestimate his skills and sense of humor. 


***SPOLER ALERT*** I like killing characters, good or evil xD.


Again this is just for the prologue, I'll introduce the other characters after I finish the prologue ingame.  
 

Niten Ichi Ryu

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I think the Spanish sounding elements are interesting, it could give some personality. It makes it sound like we are dealing with a south American oppressive regime.


on another hand, would you consider reflecting on the main character name?


Champagne is indeed a classy beverage, with a charismatic name, but for a young woman it makes it sound like we are dealing with a stripper.
 

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I chose the name Champagne for a few reasons.  For one she is a member of the nobility even though sometimes her actions don't justify it.  Another is the fact that she likes being herself and likes to show it off, sometimes without caring for the feelings of the people around her (opinion: Like how some people drink champagne and smoke a cigar to look rich).  I forgot to mention this but Champagne likes to deal with things in style (sly with style you may ask?  Assassination with a rose. I'm planning and others) as well as Champagne is a stylish drink consumed by royalty and nobility.  If your curious, Amelia is kinda the alter ego of Champagne in terms of solving problems.  Let's say oh and ***Somewhat spoiler alert*** that a politician needs to be put away, Champagne would trail said politician, find weaknesses in his schedule and abuse them.  Amelia on the other hand would rather show up on said politicians front door and beat the cr4p out of the guards (she's an axe lady with a short temper after all xD)


Anyway if I find a better name to suite Champagne's personality I would definitely consider changing it.  Thank you for your helpful feedback :) .
 

Niten Ichi Ryu

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Simple question to help you decide the name: Does France exists in your world? If not, well then the name champagne cannot exist as it comes from a specific French area. And the only champagne is made in this area. Else it's sparkling wine. Sparkling wine can exist in any universe, but Champagne would have meaning only in our universe.


Also it sounds very French. As you use Spanish, maybe look for the Spanish name of a beautiful but poisonous bug or flower.
 

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In my world, the place is french but Spaniards are given highest regard in this world (not literally france and spain but you get the point, also im not saying france is better than spain irl, thats just how it works in this world xD).  Commoners and even up to nobility are associated with french subjects.  Only those with imperial blood like Vasco and Justitia are regarded with spanish names.  Branches of the government like Senado and Congresso, officially recognized NGOs like the Circulo de Hierro and of course the military use Spanish names and terms because they are approved by the emperor.  I thought of this because my country was occupied by the Spanish for 333 years and they were not the friendliest of invaders.  In this world the Champagne area of france does not necessarily exist but the drink does and is a delicacy of Heliophotica along with cheeses and breads (I really love french bread and pastries irl :p ).
 

Niten Ichi Ryu

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so the drink is sparkling wine. Or you have to have an area called Champagne, where this wine is produced. Champagne is a simple shortening of the real name, which is "Vin de Champagne". It's like when people talk about Californian Champagne, it doesn't make sense. Name comes from area of production ad method of production ( the champenoise method).


Same would be using the word Cognac for a brandy in a world where the actual town of Cognac doesn't exist. (As you may guess, I studied a bit oenology :) )


its also a question of world building. It helps to avoid using names that are too anchored in our real world to give your own world an identity.


its like if you had a dessert called New York Cheesecake but no town called New York.
 

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Yea I know that Champagne is made in a specific area in France and your technically not allowed to name just any sparking wine Champagne, but in common speech nowadays, I noticed that Champagne is used as a colloquial term for fancy white sparkling wine (Most of the people I know don't even know there's a region in France called Champagne!).  I guess you can say I'm riding on the colloquial meaning of Champagne rather than what Champagne really is.  My personal opinion, it's better and easier to understand and to relate something if you have an irl object to relate it to (Naming my character Champagne and have the player associate it with the traits of the drink rather than making a drink called "Heliophotic Stout" or "Sun Spirit").  Sure people who are learned may question this, but I'm totally fine with that :).  


I may put a bit of lore; maybe someone named Champagne invented the drink in a famous pub in Heliophotica and his dad named her after getting wasted xD.
 
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Hey guys, I'm looking for feedback on a very very early stage project. I've fleshed out a lot of things, but I'm mostly concerned I'm forgetting to flesh out things that I would otherwise think obvious, and just, well, does it work?


The game takes place in the Sheador region of an as yet unnamed world. Typical fantasy style, magic, monsters and demons and all that. Sheador is a snowy, mountainous region, mostly wilderness bar a few towns and the capital city. All the towns lay in fairly close proximity to the city, meaning while resources within the region are bountiful, there is little contact with the outside world due to being far from the border. The game focuses around the concept of the Reporters Guild. Each region in this world has a Reporters Guild, Reporters being a class based off of rangers/scouts. Their main job is quite literally to report, scouting their designated areas and alerting said area's leader of anything to be wary of, such as a growing monster population or other threats to human life. Additionally they carry out light tasks for payment, retrieving items from monster infested areas and such - stuff that a common villager may not be capable of.


Sheador is generally quiet and left alone from the outside world (which I'm yet to flesh out much, as it does not feature heavily in the story at this point in time) but the general plot of the game is a Reporter witnesses the birth of a Demon while on a standard scouting mission, is advised to carry the information to the capital city, and then told to butt out. Naturally, she doesn't and wow such creativity she saves the world.


Basic Plot Outline

So the basic plot outline I have is as follows


- Lily (main char) is on a routine scouting mission when she witnesses the birth of a Demon


- Kiya (party member) is also there, she protects Lily and communicates information about the Demon, then joining her


- Upon returning to the village to report, Lily finds long time friend Kait (party member) has arrived. Lily has more important problems, and goes to report.


- She's told to relay the information to the headquarters in the capital. Kiya decides to continue journeying with her and Kait lends her skills too, as the road to the capital is dangerous (due to the Demon's presence)


- So, Lily is being awesome and offering her services to help defeat this demon, but she's told by HQ she's not experienced enough and to effectively "leave it to the grown ups" which naturally riles a girl in her mid-twenties (or maybe late-twenties) with ten years service.


- Kiya tells Lily she should join the fight anyway, that she's a very special snowflake, but Lily is all hell naw orders are orders


- Kiya is on a pilgrimage to the Temple of Virtue (see religion) so they head there as it's on the way back to the village


- Then wow such plot a spirit of some sort, which Kiya associates as the effective God of her religion, tells Lily that she is indeed a special snowflake and gives her a divine power


- Lily decides to fight


- Lily fights the Demon


- Peace is restored and Lily is a savior huzzah


As you can see, it's quite... typical. In that character is thrust into the hero role and does her duty. I'll flesh out some of the ideas in the other spoilers, such as characters, the Demon, Kiya's religion.



Main Characters

Lily is the main character, a 25(ish) year old Reporter having qualified at age 15 (which is 3 years younger than average) due to her exceptional archery skills, which come from a **** ton of hard work and dedication. She was abandoned in Atha'an Village as a baby and raised by the couple who own the general goods store. As a child she would run through the nearby woodlands, following Reporters on their missions. Stein, a veteran Reporter, catches her one day and takes a liking to her, teaching her archery and becoming her main source of inspiration. She has about 10 years service as a Reporter and is widely seen as a "local hero", which embarrasses her to no end.


She's decisive and a strong leader, but has some insecurity issues about her abilities that she hides behind a strong facade. She wants to present herself as an inspiration in the way Stein did for her. Polite, even tempered, and willing to risk her life for the "greater good". She's known Kait for a long time and their friendship is strong and affectionate.


She's used to working alone and relies on her keen eye and well trained body to keep her out of harms way, while dealing ranged physical damage. She has no magical abilities, but later on she will gain access to elemental weapons. High accuracy but a below average crit rate, she's the main damage dealer.


Kiya is a 16 year old Priestess from a group of people known as the Sinless (see religion). Despite being discriminated against for her beliefs, she is kind and inquisitive about the outside world. While incredibly knowledgeable about her own world, Gods and Demons etc, she is fairly naive. She's on a coming of age type pilgrimage to the Temple of Virtue, but meets Lily and decides to travel with her, helping her to understand the Demon that threatens the region. Upon returning to the sanctuary, she hopes to become a High Priestess and serve the Sinless with her very life if need be.


She aids the party as the healer, also serving to buff/debuff. I didn't want her to be a frail little priestess, so I'm taking her stats to a more of a tank like position, with Taunt-like abilties and whatnot. I'm unsure whether or not to give her any offensive capabilities.


Kait is a 23 year old travelling dancer, originally from the Kuuwa Tribe but exiled for her use of the "dark arts". She travels and dances to make money while searching for a place she can call her own. She makes sure to always stop by Atha'an Village to visit Lily. Kait is a talented wielder of magic and hopes one day to find somewhere that will accept her and nurture that talent. Until then she tends to hide her abilities, and fights with a whip. She is light and agile, but deals below average physical damage. She is generally a cheerful girl, often providing the comic relief for the group and is sometimes verging on annoying and over the top. She has a heart problem, and compensates for this with her good nature. She hopes to find her place to call "home" before she succumbs to her health problems, but lives every day to the full, never knowing when it may be her last.



Religion

Religion is not widely practiced in Sheador. Sheador is however home to the Sinless, seen by most of the population as a cult rather than a religion.


The Sinless see themselves as beings of purity, living a life free of "sin" so their bodies and minds are pure. Unfortunately this is partly because they practice human sacrifice in an attempt to appease their Godlike figure, the Creator. Most of the Sinless are, well, pretty snobby and see themselves as better than others, which Kiya doesn't agree with. While a devout follower of her religion, she sees the Sinless as people who have chosen to live a life free from sin, not people chosen by the Creator as many others do. The Sinless mostly wear dark robes, kinda mourning clothes, to remind themselves that death is inevitable and every day should be a celebration of purity. This is another reason they are often turned away by the general population, along with their attitude. At age 16, followers must leave the Sanctuary (a cave in which they have created their own village, away from the rest of the Sheador population) and travel to the Temple of Virtue, which is where they believe the Creator's spirit resides. There they must pray to the Creator to guide them in life and vow to give their heart and soul to the protection of mankind by staying pure and sinless.


At the moment I'm leaning towards the Sinless believing demonic entities come from the sins of the world, and that it's their duty to provide purity to err cleanse the world of demons? I want them to be a pretty messed up group, with the whole human sacrifice to save the world kind of thing.


I'm not sure how well this holds up. First off, the name? the Sinless? It describes what I wanted to achieve, but I'm not fond of the name. Suggestions greatly appreciated. I mainly designed the religion around Kiya's character, with her personality being somewhat of a contrast to the general follower.


And for the record, sex for the purposes of reproduction is not seen as a sin and is celebrated, but sex for pleasure is seen as a sin, not because sex but because pleasure.


My English is failing, it's 3am.



My main focus is to create a 3 character party, where all characters are available within the first 15 minutes or so of gameplay. Gameplay will consist mostly of random encounters, maybe, probably, I don't know, but the main focus is on the narrative and most importantly the characters and their interactions with each other. The fact they happen to be on a world saving quest is secondary compared to the building of their relationship. The game will likely be fairly short, and while character development is key I want there to be plenty of actual gameplay. I don't want the fights to be difficult, so I was toying with the idea of adding in battle interactions of some sort. Maybe a support type command, which when it hits certain levels will trigger conversations upon finishing a battle.


First of all, is my plot too weak? Too cliché?


Are the characters strong enough to create a good dynamic between them? The age difference between Kiya and the others is deliberate, but... does it work?


I'm really not sure. Any and all feedback/advice/orders to scrap this project right now will be greatly appreciated and taken on board.


Thank you ♥
 

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Hullo! This is just an idea for a game I plan to make, "Masters of Mondia"(The title is a working progress :p) It'll be made with RPG Maker VX Ace.


Master's of Mondia is a game that focuses on the adventures Nathan Dexterson: A junior in High School who, while surfing the web, is sucked through his computer into Mondia, Earth's magical, more whimsical counterpart. Nate starts off in a town called "ToyTopia"(The name should give you an idea of the town's theme), but after meeting Abgale, who has the role of both princess and captain of the royal guard of the nearby kingdom of Brentiton, a major superpower in Mondia, he finds himself on a quest to save both his home and this world he never even heard of and barely cares about from two foes: A demonic warrior-priest seeking to take over Brentiton, and an ancient demon who has been banished from the ancient era who can deform and brainwash anything that looks into his eye.


The journey Nate takes with his friends spans the whole of Mondia and eventually leads the gang back to Earth for the final battle.


Note that I'm just going over the basic idea and premise for now, and if it's vague, it's to avoid spoilers. I haven't come up with all the characters yet, and I only have one graphic complete, which is the first screen of the Intro to the game, describing how Nate enters Mondia:


Intro 1.png


(It looks pretty ugly, but at the time I was trying to go for a 90's PC feel, so it came out like this :p)


Anyhow, here are some game play details: The game's two main game play elements are exploring and battling. I kinda want to have the exploring aspect of a Metroidvania game and everything else RPG. There's definitely going to be some puzzles(To spice up the exploring bit), and there'll be towns too(Complete with shops and sidequests), basically all of the stuff to expect in an RPG. I also plan to implement similar elements from other games, such as a similar concept to Earthbound's rolling hp counter, and the button timing of Paper Mario.


Anyhow, I hope you like this idea! If you have feedback or suggestions, make sure to reply.
 
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Okay, reposting this in the proper thread. Hoping and praying that I get some responses to this because this has been bugging me for the past day!


Well, I've run into a problem recently. I wrote my intro recently, and I like it! Though it's mildly outdated now as I've redone the starting room.










My problem is thus: My narrator. No, it's not that I think my dialogue or writing is bad (I know I shouldn't toot my own horn when I haven't even finished the game, but...), nor my concept of the game being a story being told to someone else (not exactly original, but I love the idea). It's, well... I have multiple endings to my game series planned, and while I haven't thought out much for the rest of the series besides a few minor details (such as the third game's True Ending being the most bittersweet of all of them, when others are planned to be ultimately positive and happy, because it's setting up the last game), the endings to the first game have been thought out relatively well in terms of details- you get them depending on stuff like relationships, sidequests completed, character development enc -and I have decided that there's going to be three Bad Endings, two Good Endings, and one True Ending which is of course, the canonical one and the best one. 


In each ending, the narrator is revealed and who it is depends on what ending you got.



  Reveal hidden contents






And the problem is the tone of said narrator. Canonically, it's who I said it was, and I wrote this in mind for that. But... would the tone the narrator is speaking in match the other endings? Nobody narrates the exact same way, they exaggerate details, leave out some either due to forgetfuless or varying points of view on matters and so on. And this is going to be especially perplexing if, say, I write the narrator for Bad Endings 1 and 2 as much more formal speaking or harsher toned about the situation. Or if the narrator of Bad Ending 3 is the one speaking, given who they are, wouldn't it be odd to address their audience as "my dear" since they really don't give a crap about said audience and it might be moreso percieved as mocking rather than heartwarming?


I'm afraid of just changing the tone to match said ending, because it'd be too contrasting to the opening, which I'm not planning on changing (no matter what kind of run you're doing, a Good or Bad one, this isn't like Undertale where dialogue changes depending on whether you've run through this game before or not on different save files, unless I implement a New Game + thing), but otherwise I don't want it to seem weird that I don't since it might be seen as out of character for the narrator to talk like this when they talked otherwise in the actual story.


And no, I'm not planning on changing the endings content wise so it's just the one narrator either. Trust me, it wouldn't work storywise, particularly Bad Ending 3.


@TheOriginalFive from the original thread... " Could you make it so that the Void uses Alto as a vessel in the bad ending if it would change the tone of the narrator?" as creepy as the thought of an Alto puppet sounds... it doesn't make sense with the dialogue spoken. The Void doesn't know Alto at all, so how would it know how he talked in life? And even then, the only ones Alto would address as "my dear" would be his family such as his daughter... which in this ending was never born. Everyone is dead in this ending, and so the opening line doesn't make much sense if everyone's dead. Sure, the Demons created their own little society within the dimension where The Void resides, but it's not like they need it to come and tell them a bedtime story, especially since this one tells them a story that they all probably witnessed and participated in. And even if not, The Void couldn't give a crap about it's creations anymore than now, as the only reason they were made was to be pawns for it's plan as it knew that coming back into Orchestralia at full power again would just get it immediately struck down and sent back into it's own dimension again by the benevolent Gods who fought it long ago. And that plan succeeded, so what use are they anymore to it? 
 

Niten Ichi Ryu

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How much the "story being told" concept is actually used throughout the game?


Will that pop back at some point during the game, or is it mainly about using it in intro and endings? The idea is not bad, but to succeed well it should be more than a gimmick used only for intro and closure. Maybe have some of these narrative moments before it after boss fights, after reveals maybe?


It sounds like someone indeed read a story to a kid. Do you have kids? I have two and believe me reading a story to a kid is full of interruptions and questioning, they are a very interactive audience.


I don't think you should have changing narrators, even if you try a twist effect. Non canon endings could be seen as possible variations of the story, as bedtime stories are not only entertainment but ways to teac children about morals and values.


see the bad ending could be: "And then everyone was dead" "but...daddy, is that true?" " No child, but its what could have happened if Alto did the wrong choice".


Also, what I'm going to tell you will sound familiar since in essence it's a lot what I tell you since I started getting an interest in your project: Do you really need to make your life so complicated for your first game :) ?


Maybe just have one bad, one good and one true ending for the first one. Once you feel you mastered storytelling techniques for multiples endings, gradually add more endings to the forthcoming games.
 
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I'm not changing my ending count. This is a character driven story, and there's no way I'd be satisfied with having no variation at all depending on how you did. It basically tells me, say you didn't raise the friendship levels between Quintus and Minuet high enough by the end, meaning that there's no variation on whether they get together or if they die or whatever. In both good endings everyone leaves on good terms with eachother, but their relationships are different depending on the ending. For example, Quintus has the whole Paladin thing going on, if relationships are at a certain amount, he either goes back to that alone, or Minuet accompanies him. 


Ah yes, because Alto "chose" to just die against the final boss. Because that's totally fine just to have losing against the final boss be just another game over. Because it's not like The Void is a big threat on par with something like Lavos, and should be given a chance to show off what would happen if allowed to be freed upon the world. Also, "And then everyone died" "Did that really happen?" is not satisfactory because it's obviously not true. This story takes place in their world, and several years ago, so obviously it wasn't destroyed because we're still here. Kids are stupid, but not THAT stupid. I can see that being said if it's just deaths in general such as losing a regular battle, but endings? No.


"Maybe have some of these narrative moments before it after boss fights, after reveals maybe?"


...What? I don't get it. I'm not revealing the twist early if that's what you're saying! That's just stupid! 


Also, that as interesting as it is, would make the twist that it's Alto or not Alto pointless because we'd know beforehand. Alto isn't trying to say, "This is a story all about me!" straight up, he's trying to go for a "And that little boy was me!" thing. He's a Bard, he's kinda trying to do his damn job, you know? 
 

Niten Ichi Ryu

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chill out. You ask for advice, I give you advice. What I am saying is that if you really want to have a told story feeling, it needs to follow storytelling techniques, as in bits of first person narration or third person narration. But remember as well you ain't writing a novel but making a game. The narrator techniques are harder to use in a game.


I never talked about revealing the twist or anything, but there should be some reveals of minor or major plot points during your story. They could be moments where the narrative/story told feeling is conveyed.


I propose you cool down your head, and reread what I wrote with an open mind. The story might be clear in your head, but I don't understand what you go about dying against the boss and all that flaming bit. You might need to reflect on what I suggest instead of jumping literally on what you didn't understand.


To be honest I don't think the idea of having a dramatic reveal/twist of a different narrator depending on the endings is that good. It can be, but obviously implementing it will be hard and need skill. The twist might fall flat is the narrator end up being a character to which I built mo emotional attachment. Plus I might be drawn to conclude I actually dealt with an unreliable narrator, which would then question all the game I had been trough, and what it made me feel.
 
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Sorry... >.< This is what I deserve for posting early in the morning.


Narration is going to be third, obviously. 


Major or minor plot reveals? Okay, yeah, I guess that's true. But you could have worded that a little better. 


Funnily enough, I DO plan for there to be narration story wise at one point, though it's a bit being told to Alto himself by Quintus who talks about his own past. Though I know better than to not show, don't tell so we actually get to see what he's talking about too.


You don't get what I mean by dying against the final boss??? Have you never played Chrono Trigger??? (If you haven't, you're missing out! Great classic RPG!) 


I'm talking about an ending akin to this: 










You mentioned the whole "Did that really happen?" thing for endings, and while I still disagree about doing it for endings, regular deaths (losing battles, solving a puzzle wrong, waiting out timed events enc) on the other hand I can definitely see! 


Like this! (Around 3 minutes in for example)










Btw, that was kind of my inspiration for the narration idea (and it's a great game too! Though it's an adventure game not an RPG). Yes, I know it's not original at all clearly.


Hmmm... what is a good example of what I mean? Say, my characters are trapped underground and have to get out. A way to NOT clear the pathway is to have Minuet cast an Earth themed spell because that'd bring down the cavern on their heads. 


As for the whole thing about the twist being bad if there's no emotional attachment... uh, what's stopping you from disliking that Alto is the canonical narrator if I didn't go with that? What if you end up not liking Alto as a character? 


As for the unreliable narrator thing, well... that'd be kind of expected if it's a story told to a child. You'd be changing things around, saying things happened differently than they thought originally, adding details that weren't there before. Technically you could argue that each ending is an alternate timeline where X event happened because of Y criteria instead of Z.


If you look at the King's Quest video above, you could say that Graham himself is an unreliable narrator and yet the story being told is still endearing and makes us feel, because they make the dynamic and the whole game (particularly chapter one) very fun and not taking things entirely seriously (which I theorize is reflective of Graham's mindset at the time). 


Let's see... anything else I didn't cover?


Oh! Did I ever actually say WHAT happens in each ending?
 
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Niten Ichi Ryu

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Nope, never actually played Chrono trigger. Tried emulating it once, but dunno it didn't click for me. I'm also more into westerner style than jrpg, so not sure I'll actually try again one day.


Regarding the emotional attachment, well Alto ia your main, so my basic assumption is that you will manage to make us feel for him :)


nope, we don't know what each ending will encompass, (but I guess you don't want to spoil) so it also makes it kinda hard to really give a relevant advice.


remember that my advices are to take with a grain of salt. I'm not lecturing, I'm throwing ideas, so it helps you think about your own ideas, if it makes you comfort them, all the best.


agreed for the wording, my phone turned or into it, maybe it made the sentence confusing.
 
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Wow, I think you're the first person I've talked to who isn't a fan of CT. That's very surprising! Well, at least now you know what I'm talking about. I mean, really picture it: You've come all this way, gotten to know and love all these characters I've created, have gone through hardships with them but have come out stronger for it, the very safety of the world riding on your shoulders as a player as you face off against the final boss... and then you lose against said boss. And then, you get to watch all those lovable characters, that beautiful world, be torn asunder and everyone dies in front of you.


Isn't that much more of an emotional impact than just seeing "Game Over" appear on screen as soon as you lose?

Regarding the emotional attachment, well Alto ia your main, so my basic assumption is that you will manage to make us feel for him :)


I certainly hope so! I hope that can be so for all of my main characters, actually! No sense getting to know them better if you don't like them.

nope, we don't know what each ending will encompass, (but I guess you don't want to spoil) so it also makes it kinda hard to really give a relevant advice.


Psssh! I'll gladly tell you what happens! I just realized that I never elaborated on them at all. Note that I'll probably add more elaborated details and change some things about them later, once I think of them down the line, but this is what I have firsthand thoughts on.


*AHEM!*

Bad Ending 1- As you already know, I have the whole thing where Quintus gets hurt by one of the villains, is slowly being internally corrupted soul wise by his wounds despite being physically healed, and the only way to save him is to have him become a Paladin. The problem is that The Band doesn't know this, and Quintus doesn't want to tell them what's wrong because he doesn't want any of them to worry. (This happens no matter the run you're doing, there no way to avoid Quintus being hurt sadly.) He tries his best to hide it and fake that he's fine, but he knows it's only a matter of time until he's fully taken over.


In both bad endings, that comes to pass.


At the final area, Quin is fully corrupted and taken over by The Void and unwillingly attacks the party. He's too far gone now, and the party is forced to kill him in self defense. Quintus is happy though, as his soul is now free. Continuing on to the final boss,they manage to win, but the team separates afterwards, disheartened by the ordeal. Quintus is dead, Minuet goes off on her own, to study about being an Archmage in a Wizard's tower alone and shut away from the world, Aria heads home to Sonata City alone and brokenhearted, and Alto considers himself a failure and is so crushed that he leaves the land forever and becomes a wanderer. Aria sometimes thinks about Alto, wondering "Where is he now?"


Bad Ending 2- Similar to above, except Minuet dies too. Haven't decided if I should have her be tossed around like a rag doll (since she's a Mage she's got low HP so it wouldn't take much) or have a situation akin to Quintus's where she's forced to be fought and killed by the party.


Bad Ending 3- What I've already told you. Lose against the final boss, and world goes boom and everyone dies. Plain and simple.


Good Ending 1- Obviously, things go a LOT better here! :D Quintus heads back to the Paladin area to complete his training (this ending is under the assumption that you are aware of this quest and have it in your Quest Log), Minuet is still out to study her thing but instead of locking herself away, she promises to keep in contact with everyone (Quin too btw), and Alto and Aria head back to Sonata City together and their relationship is hinted at.


Good Ending 2- Similar to above, except Minuet goes with Quintus to support him in his endeavors. Alto and Aria head back to Sonata City together, and their relationship is made MUCH more obvious.


True Ending- Similar to above, but BETTER! :D Quintus is much happier as a Paladin (this ending is under the assumption that you actually completed this quest, gotten relationships maxed out, completed most every sidequest blah blah blah) as it's given him something to live for and he's finally made peace with his past, Minuet has learned to take things slower (she'd previously been taking shortcuts to obtain more power so she can become an Archmage quickly, which is the exact opposite way you're supposed to go about a quest like that, but Minuet is rather impulsive) and she's gotten together with Quintus, and Alto and Aria have clearly gotten together and get married, and Aria is named Queen of Sonata City with Alto as her hubby and King! (my notes, by that I mean my message to my friend about it, say he's a King/Prince Consort but I might change that who knows). Oh yeah, did I ever mention that? Aria's the princess.


And of course, in each ending save Bad Ending 3, it's revealed that Alto and Aria have a daughter named Melody, whom the story was being told to, by either Alto or Aria.


A detail I thought of recently for ending criteria is a minor character being saved or not, as she's connected to a couple of the characters. I'll elaborate if you ask! :)
 

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Prologue:


Ryne is a boy of thirteen living within the small village of Atlas with his grandfather. In the village there is a sacred sword stuck in a stone slab, a sword that no one has ever been able to pull free. Every year a festival is held in the village, one of revelry and enlightenment, and during which the young men of the village gather and attempt to pull free the sword in the stone. Ryne wants more than anything to be a hero, to fight back the demons plaguing the lands and lead great armies in battle. This year, urged on by his best friend Alex and his crush the beautiful but tomboyish young Victoria, Ryne plans on pulling the sword free from the stone.


[Assume control of character for the first time. This section of the game plays like a little tutorial, letting you learn the various controls and features using the attractions in the festival.]


As night falls on Atlas, lanterns are lit and sent into the air as each potential sword-bearer approaches the blade and attempts to pull it free. Several of the village's best attempt and fail, leading up to young Ryne. He places both hands on the sword and prepares to pull it free, however; before he is able to give it a shot an explosion erupts in the crowd and send the young boy flying away from the sword. Orcs and Goblins begin invading the village slaughtering all they see. Ryne, Victoria, and Alex, charge forward to face the beasts.


[Player's party engages and Orc in batter, but the Orc is set to be way to strong for any victory. Auto-lose battle.]


After being knocked back by the Orc, his friends in danger, Ryne knows the only way to save those he cares for is to pull the sacred sword free and fell the attackers. He rushed to the sword, once again placing his hands upon the hilt, and begins to pull. Yet the sword does not move. Ryne tries harder, still unable to move the blade. An Orc now towers over him, laughing at his futility, before knocking him away into the side a nearby house. The beasts approaches and prepares to strike Ryne down, but is cut down. Ryne looks past the fallen Orc to the slab to see the sword gone, then a bright light fills the area. As it fades he sees the sword glowing with power, and in the hands of Victoria.


The knights of the kingdom of Zyon arrive, late as usual, and offer condolences to the village elders. Noticing the dead Orc and the sword gone from the slab, they inquire as to what happened. After being told of Victoria's feats the commander of the knights, Octavian, offers her a chance to return to the capital and join their ranks. Though she refuses at first, Octavian convinces her by explaining just how much good the holy sword go do for the world and that only she could ever wield it. Finally Victoria agrees and bids her friends farewell, though Ryne says nothing as she leaves. instead turning his back and walking away.


[Cutscene explaining what happened after Victoria left.]


Chapter 1: The Sealed


It is revealed in the previous cutscene that after Victoria left Atlas Ryne became increasingly more delinquent, this only worsening the following year after Alex is sent away to merchant school by his parents. Originally hoping to still be a great hero of the realm, Ryne had attempted to join the foot-soldier of Zyon, yet after an altercation with his superior in boot-camp he is thrown out. As he leaves the capital he once again meets Victoria, whom has already became a full fledged knight as well as one of their best fighters. Though she attempts to speak to Ryne as they once did he is consumed with jealousy, going so far as to push her down as she attempts to hug him. After this, hurt by Ryne's actions, Victoria calls him a weakling and unworthy of being a knight. As she does this Ryne simply walks away.


Now in the present, two years after the end of the cutscene, it is revealed that Ryne now works as a mercenary out of Atlas. He has become a decent fighter but due to his age receives next to no contracts. After a rather fat, and rude, merchant passes through Atlas to replace his guard whom died on the journey there Ryne sees his chance. When Ryne offers his services the merchant refuses outright, but Ryne continues insisting. Finally he relents, promising Ryne that if he can backtrack through the forest and retrieve his previous guard's sword and return it he will hire Ryne. Agreeing, Ryne sets out to find the sword.


[Assume control of character for the second time. You can walk around the village and talk to everyone, most have negative things to say about Ryne these days. There are a couple of simple side-quests here to help you get enough starter money for potions before leaving, but they are optional. After you finish exploring the village, or not, you head into the forest where you will fight your first real battle and encounter your first real enemies. It plays out like a sort of mini-dungeon, at the end of which you find the dead guard and recover his sword before returning to the village]


Handing over the sword to the merchant the man nearly chokes on his dinner, exclaiming how this cannot be the right sword. After a little arguing he finally agrees to hire Ryne, though never admits the sword is his former guard's. Ryne packs his things and heads out into the world with the merchant. The two travel for a few days, Ryne being constantly annoyed by the merchant, until two Goblins attack their cart. The merchant yells for Ryne to kill them before they steal his belongings, but the Goblins speak up. They reveal that they aren't here for trinkets, but food. First the two point to the bull pulling the cart, demanding they be given it or they will kill Ryne and the merchant. Ryne refuses, but the merchant orders him to hand over the bull, reminding Ryne whom he works for. Ryne does so, begrudgingly, but the bull breaks free and runs off. The Goblins, mad, now demand the fat merchant as a replacement meal. The merchant changes his tune quickly, yelling at Ryne and asking why he hasn't killed them yet.


[Generated fight ensues against the Goblins, whom aren't really a challenge if you leveled up a couple of times during the sword quest earlier.]


Ryne kills the Goblins and turns expecting thanks from his patron, but quickly realizes that will not be. The merchant yells at Ryne, asking how he expects them to get the cart anywhere without the bull to pull it. Ryne is order off to go fetch it, which he does in a little grove to the east of the road. Ryne calls the bull, but it ignores him, so he approaches attempting to grab it and pull it back to the road. However; as he steps forward the ground breaks open and he falls into a little cavern. A short time later he awakens underground. Realizing he can't get back out the way he came in, Ryne heads further in to the cavern until he sees a faint glow at the end of a tunnel. Thinking it is the light of the outside world he runs towards, but finds out it is no such thing. A small cave lies ahead, in the middle sits a purple gem glowing with intense light. Suddenly, Ryne hears a voice.


[Assumes control of character. A little walk through a cave with no enemies.]


The voice sounds feminine, but is distorted and sounds if it's coming from all around him. Ryne demands to know who is there, shouting and drawing his blade, but the voice cackles and assures that the sword won't be needed. Ryne continues to put up his defenses, the voice continuing to haunt him. It claims that it knows everything about him, that it knows why he is so angry with the world and what he truly wants to be. Ryne refuses to believe it. The voice tells him that to be a hero one must have power, power like that which Victoria possesses. Ryne continues to ignore the voice, until it offers him a power greater than that of the sacred sword. The voice tell Ryne that if he simply touches the gem than he will become leagues stronger than he already is. After some more coaxing by the voice and some internal debating, Ryne relents and grabs the stone. His hand begins to burn with more pain than he has ever felt causing his to scream out within the cavern as he collapses to the floor. A blinding purple glow begins to flood outward from the gem, the last thing Ryne hears being the malevolent chuckle of the voice.


Shortly thereafter Ryne awakes in the back of the merchant's cart. He inquires as to how he got here, and what happened. The merchant tells him that he was gone for far too long so he decided to look for the bull himself and as he did so he found Ryne unconscious upon the ground. Apparently it looked as if Ryne stepped within a small hole in the ground trying to catch the pull and fell backwards hitting his head. The merchant goes on to say how he wrangled the bull himself, reminding how lucky Ryne is that he is such a gracious man to save him, before loading Ryne in the back of the cart and heading onward. Ryne nods as he listens to the story, staring down as his hand and silently thanking God it was all a dream.


[A cutscene begins, showing the cart pulling into the great Merchant City of Lundessa.]


Chapter 3: City of Opportunity


W.I.P


So, this is about as much of our game as we have done right now. It's about hour and a half to two hours long, give or take a few minutes for exploring and the like. It's taken about I'd say two months to get this far, mostly because we kept redoing events over and over until we were happy with the end results. That coupled with replacing sprites with stock ones after deciding not to use our own has also taken up a good deal of our time. Still, so far we have a decent amount of story in out game with so much more to add. I'd like to know what you think so far, and if you have any advice for the rest of the story or on what we have now. Thanks!
 
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