Plot and Character Feedback

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Cyreides

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I've been trying to work out a plot for a game called "The Void" for the past 2 years now before I move ahead much farther with the actual game itself, so any feedback on the idea of it all would be great since I've not really shared it with anyone.


As basic a premise I can give for the game would be this:


There are two worlds, one called Aeria, and one in a different realm referred to only as The Void.


Aeria is a planet that was split into 4 pieces before life began on it by a giant comet filled with magical shards. The 4 pieces are floating islands that orbit around a giant shard (The Master), and are tethered to it by 4 smaller pieces (The Servants) that struck each "island". Each island has it's own sort of seasonal thing like fall/winter etc.


The Void is this other worldly place, sort of alien in design, very jungle/cavelike, with lots of overgrowth and exaggerated plant life full of neon colors and lights.


Anyways, to the actual story, a creature named Tyrorik that was jailed in the depths of The Void has amassed an army and has been gathering his strength in magic over the years, waiting for a chance to strike and take over there. He's also been searching the realms for another source of power and finds Aeria. He uses his magic to open these vortex like portals to Aeria to send his army through in search of this power.


A warrior mage on Aeria named Kyro sees his home town destroyed in the first arrival, and ends up trying to take down the creatures, but fails. He starts gathering a group to find out what's happening/why and how to stop it. Eventually they accidentally lead Tyroriks army to discover the power from one of The Servants, resulting in them harnessing it and destroying it, which causes the entire landmass it's on to fall out of the sky.


In an attempt to flee from the sinking island and hunt down the creature responsible for it the group goes through a portal into The Void. The come across one of the jailers there named Eedec who is also on the hunt for Tyrorik and he joins up with them to take him down, and they discover Tyrorik has overthrown the king of The Void and corrupted the citizens with magic to do his bidding.


They find him weakened from using his magic and defeat him temporarily, and then Tyrorik flees into Aeria through a different portal. The group gives chase and he disappears to regain his strength. He starts sending corrupted Void creatures and people over through portals to slow them down. After searching for him and taking down his army every step of the way, they find he's going to harness the power from The Master and they attempt to defeat him once more. He is shown no mercy after what he's done, but the twist is this, as he is delivered the fatal blow, he exclaims that his magic is the only thing keeping the two worlds tied together and that nothing from The Void can exist in Aeria without him. So as he dies, so does everything else from The Void that is in Aeria. The creatures, the people that were corrupted, and Eedec. They all fade into oblivion.


The game is suppose to end with an epilogue where it's shown that the portals have all disappeared and Aeria has been rebuilt to some of it's former glory. And the last shot would be of Kyro kneeling at the foot of a statue for Eedec, shedding a tear, which would have more emotional impact if I had mentioned there's a whole love plot with them that has to be written in somehow.


The whole tone of things that I'm going for is sort of dark and depressing. I want the game to feel moody. I hope to keep the soundtrack in line with this title screen song.
 

Arithmetician

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@Cyreides  Well, the whole thing about the world being split and this having to do with four shards, along with the whole thing about an evil imprisoned in the Void reminds me of Final Fantasy V.  Though that's fine... you put your own spin on things, and few ideas are truly original.  Even the ideas I've come up for MV games are inspired by existing games, such as Final Fantasy V, Persona, and Etrian Odyssey.


I do suggest foreshadowing Tyrorik's role as the ontological foundation for the inhabitants of the Void in Aeria.  Otherwise, it comes across as a diabolous ex machina  for some cheap angst.


Likewise, if there is to be a love story, make it integral to the plot or otherwise do without it.  If you try to shoehorn things in your writing will suffer.


My Plot Ideas (Mk. II)


As people may know, for my first game, I'm working on a dungeon-crawler (not 1st person... that's too hard to implement) inspired by Etrian Odyssey and Demon Gaze.  The core cast is drawn from the Cover Art characters (I figured they'd be good for a first game, as they'd simplify the design process a bit).  


The Setting / Starting Out


Gildenburg  (German, "Guild Castle") is a hub for adventurers far and wide.  Nearby the city are the ruins of an ancient civilization, surrounded by and containing vast Labyrinths  populated by monsters.  The treasures hidden within the Labyrinth and the trade in the parts of slain monsters (to say nothing of the need for constant protection against the Labyrinth's monsters) offers riches to successful adventurers... or an early grave for the careless.


Aldo is one such adventurer,  having travelled far from his village but inexperienced in combat, hoping to explore the Labyrinth and make his fortune.  Of course, it is far too dangerous to travel into the Labyrinth by one's self.  Therefore, adventurers must form and register guilds in order to be allowed into the Labyrinth.  


As Aldo is still quite green, he has trouble getting into the larger guilds... and their structure, which is quite risk-averse, clashes with his freer spirit... not to mention he lacks the requisite gold for guild membership fees.  However, he encounters Dilara, a young scholar from the Mages' Academy (though several years his senior) sent to investigate the Labyrinths, who is also passionate about her task, if unused to life outside the Academy's towers.  She has a grant from the Academy that is suitable for founding and registering a small guild.  They also meet Nina, a reserved elf shamaness who feels drawn to the Labyrinth and offers to serve as their party's healer.  They need a guide though, and find one in Eisele, an orphaned but surprisingly resourceful girl who knows the forests around Gildenburg well.


Having registered their guild, and provisioned themselves at Frist's blacksmith and Chimg's shop (she's somehow cornered the market on adventuring sundries and fresh fruit in Gildenburg) the four set off to the Labyrinth, and receive a stern warning from Gustaf, the grumpy old knight by the gates, who has seen many young people leave and never return.  Pushing onward regardless, they brave the forest (or sensibly run from its most powerful beasts) and make their way to ruins.  Yet their challenges have only begun.


The Party Grows

As the game goes on, more characters will join the guild.  They will find and repair a robot in the Ruins, whom they will dub "Rob", and will team up with Akja, a witch who gathers ingredients for her spells and potions in the forest.  Their successes will eventually attract the interest of Franz, the young prince of Gildenburg, who will join and sponsor their guild, bringing with him Gustaf against the latter's objections.  They may also be able to hire Yaichi as a Ronin mercenary for the guild.  And perhaps Hayatemaru will appear as well.....



The Secret of the Labyrinth(s) - Major Spoilers

The Labyrinth (whether as a monolithic structure as in Etrian, or several smaller Labyrinths, as in Demon Gaze),  was/were constructed by the Ancients as a prison for a powerful demon, although most of them perished in the process of containing it.  The demon's malignant influence turns ordinary wildlife monstrous, and in certain places in the Labryinth the boundary between the world and its prison is weak, allowing lesser demons to inhabit the Labyrinth's deeper levels.  The demon bides its time, knowing that the human lust for fame and fortune will eventually lead one to set it free, and seeks to manipulate adventurers into slaying the Ancients' Guardian Beasts that serve as the bosses of the Labyrinth(s) and help maintain its seal.     


It also learned that Nina is a descendant of the Ancients, though much knowledge has been lost from that time, and she is devastated to learn that she has inadvertently played a role in freeing the demon that her ancestors sacrificed themselves to seal away. 


The demon threatens to lay waste to / enslave the entire world.  But Aldo and his friends make a last stand against the demon, and manage to slay it for good.
 
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Cyreides

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@Cyreides  Well, the whole thing about the world being split and this having to do with four shards, along with the whole thing about an evil imprisoned in the Void reminds me of Final Fantasy V.  Though that's fine... you put your own spin on things, and few ideas are truly original.  Even the ideas I've come up for MV games are inspired by existing games, such as Final Fantasy V, Persona, and Etrian Odyssey.


I do suggest foreshadowing Tyrorik's role as the ontological foundation for the inhabitants of the Void in Aeria.  Otherwise, it comes across as a diabolous ex machina  for some cheap angst.


Likewise, if there is to be a love story, make it integral to the plot or otherwise do without it.  If you try to shoehorn things in your writing will suffer.
Having just looked up the story for V, I feel sort of dumb. Not sure what I'll do with the plot now. Like, I knew there were obviously games that dealt with Crystals as a big plot point (I've played CC), and knew there of course games with floating worlds (FlyFF comes to mind), and I was already taking some influence from some FF games I had played like VII, III, VIII, IX and CC, but I had no idea there was a FF game that close plot wise like that... I thought this would be a more unique idea than it apparently is. Not sure if I can somehow further distance the plot of this from V at this point without changing the entire setting.


Also what do you mean by ontological foundation? Do you mean like more of a backstory as to how Tyrorik came to be in the position he's in in The Void? And the conflict between him and the current ruler of The Void? I had planned to do that if that's what you mean. Also, not sure if I'm reading that right but Aeria and The Void are entirely separate places prior to this and have never made contact before.


Where the love story is concerned, I know I definitely have to make that work organically somehow. The one person I showed this to a year or so ago said the same thing, and I've been having a hard go at getting that worked into the plot outside of a bullet point basically saying it's in there somewhere in the dialogue that's yet to be written lol, which is not helpful. I just want to make it work so bad for the ending it would create.


Feedback for yours now (forgive me if I'm terrible at giving it):


I really like the idea of a labyrinth. I've not myself played a game where that type of setting is the main focus, and the whole growing of the guild thing as a way of expanding the party seems like a neat idea as well.


The evil sealed away thing again haha, but I'm doing that too, and it's almost unavoidable in a way sometimes. I like the way it's setup though, and it has a nice backstory with one of the characters. Overall seems like a very neat idea, and you've got your characters more mapped out than I do. I'm just slowly figuring mine out as the story calls for them to exist lol.
 

Arithmetician

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@Cyreides 

  • Well, you don't have a "MUWAHAHA!  Feel the Awesome Power of the Void" villain who gets consumed by that same power he tries to control.  Or a morphing multi-armed dimension-traveling swordsman.  Or an amnesiac warrior from another world.  Or twelve Sealed Weapons.   Or civilizations that carelessly destroy the crystals that sustain their world in a misguided attempt to amplify their elemental power and bring about greater prosperity.  Or a turtle.  FFV is a game that doesn't take itself too seriously, and it seems you have a different feel in mind for your game.  And even if you drew inspiration from the Final Fantasy series (and I'm sure most of us do, given how prolific it is), the execution is far different.  Why don't you think about how you can flesh out the details of your world?  That can help distinguish it further.  And again, almost nothing is truly original.


  • Yeah, I shouldn't have used such a technical term there.  My bad.  "Ontology" is the branch of metaphysical philosophy concerned with the nature of being and existence.  So when I say an ontological foundation, I was saying that the character (Tyroik) was essential to their continued existence at a metaphysical level.  


  • For other examples of the usage of the term "ontological", you could check out the articles on TvTropes entitled "No Ontological Inertia", in which effects and objects fail to persist after the one who brought them into being perishes, and "Ontological Mystery", in which characters find themselves in a strange environment without any idea how they came to be there.


  • As for mine, yeah, it's cliche, but you need some reason for a Labyrinth to exist, and I recalled that the purpose of the original Labyrinth in Greek Mythology was to imprison the Minotaur, and then amplified that to a threat that explains why the Ancients who built the Labyrinth are no longer there.  I was also happening to think about Danmachi, a show which many could describe as "Etrian Odyssey, but as a harem comedy anime", in which there is a massive Dungeon extending deep under the city, which monsters continually spawn from, almost as if the Dungeon itself is alive.  That got me thinking: what could be spawning so many monsters?  In my case, they're escaping through the cracks of an otherworldly prison.  There was a similar concept in Demon Gaze, where monsters would emerge from the otherworld through demon circles... and hunters would bait them there, luring them to their side with small gems to obtain the rare items the monsters brought with them.  


  • If I have a single Labyrinth, or at least a central one that extends deep down, with possibly sub-Labyrinths around it, the main Labyrinth could even get progressively darker in its design as one proceeds down toward the demon's prison.  Come to think of it, that would even provide an in-story reason to change the visual style of my monsters part way through the game.  At first, they're more brightly colored and even at times "cute" like Thalzon's MV battlers and the MV RTP battlers, but as one starts encountering the lesser demons deeper in the labyrinth, they can change to the more subdued and gruesome monsters of Thalzon's earlier designs, emphasizing their nature as creatures that do not belong in the world.

 
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BlissAuthority

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The Secret of the Labyrinth(s) - Major Spoilers

The Labyrinth (whether as a monolithic structure as in Etrian, or several smaller Labyrinths, as in Demon Gaze),  was/were constructed by the Ancients as a prison for a powerful demon, although most of them perished in the process of containing it.  The demon's malignant influence turns ordinary wildlife monstrous, and in certain places in the Labryinth the boundary between the world and its prison is weak, allowing lesser demons to inhabit the Labyrinth's deeper levels.  The demon bides its time, knowing that the human lust for fame and fortune will eventually lead one to set it free, and seeks to manipulate adventurers into slaying the Ancients' Guardian Beasts that serve as the bosses of the Labyrinth(s) and help maintain its seal.     


It also learned that Nina is a descendant of the Ancients, though much knowledge has been lost from that time, and she is devastated to learn that she has inadvertently played a role in freeing the demon that her ancestors sacrificed themselves to seal away. 


The demon threatens to lay waste to / enslave the entire world.  But Aldo and his friends make a last stand against the demon, and manage to slay it for good.


This could be an excellent set up for horror, or for a lategame swerve into Lovecraftian themes, and on those grounds I'm all for it.


Exploring the depths of the labyrinth being a very, very bad idea - and a metaphor for colonialism - is standard operating procedure for the EO games.  I'm not saying "don't do this it's not original," I'm saying "this keeps being done because it's great, so please add your own spin to it."


I think it might be a good idea for them to learn what breaking the seal actually entails as the turning point of the 2nd act rather than as a surprise THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM much later in the story, where the rest of the adventure becomes the characters going "How do we fix it?" and coming to the conclusion that the sealed demon might be weak enough to put away for good.  Making it a conscious, daring risk the heroes take rather than blundering into it.  Then again, having them blunder into it might suit your story better.
 

captainproton

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How is a labyrinth a metaphor for colonialism?  I've always read it as a metaphor for the psyche, particularly one's fears.
 

BlissAuthority

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How is a labyrinth a metaphor for colonialism?  I've always read it as a metaphor for the psyche, particularly one's fears.


It can be that too.  Etrian Odyssey makes it about colonialism in particular by having:

  1. Adventurers plundering everything they can reach
  2. From lands where sapient monsters (that is, people) live,
  3. Who are called savages (and therefore okay to kill) by the authorities of the town the adventurers use as a base,
  4. And the story makes a point of saying "no, that's not actually okay."

It's not something about all "going into a labyrinth" stories: it's about the source material of EO in particular.  And, frankly, I'd love to know how the locals feel about thier homes suddenly being toxic waste dumping grounds corrupted by evil magic because the Guildenburgers couldn't deal with thier own literally goddamned demon problem.  But that's just me.
 

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@BlissAuthority  You raise some interesting points and suggestions.  Indeed, a challenge is to find a way to make the game my own, and I'll admit that the plot is cliche at the moment.  I suppose a demon can have some overlap with Etrian's environmental themes (e.g. your point about how it's like pollution mutating the monsters), though as you said, it can easily take a more Lovecraftian turn, and I think that's more what I was going for.  This was something that managed to all but wipe out a far more prosperous civilization than Gildenburg, and it was only able to be sealed away, not destroyed the first time.  To parody the words of Lovecraft, "In his house under Gildenburg, the demon lies dreaming."


Although now that I think of it, that basic plot is more akin to Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door (insofar as you had the Shadow Queen under Rogueport and the heroes were tricked into unlocking its prison), transplanted to an Etrian-like setting.  


It would be more Lovecraftian if the heroes accidentally unleashed forces seemingly beyond their control... or if you had cultists or the like purposefully trying to unseal it.  Rational people do not try to wake Cthulhu / the resident eldritch abomination.  


Indeed, another argument for a more Lovecraftian twist is that it means I don't need to really explain where the demon came from.  It simply is, a seemingly cosmic force indiscriminate in its lack of regard for humanity/other sentient life, its origins incomprehensible to such puny minds.


Unfortunately, progress on this game is currently stalled, as I've gotten myself bogged down trying to balance skill trees.  But since everything's still in the early stages, the plot is still quite malleable, and I would welcome further suggestions and discussion.


@captainproton


A labyrinth can be very much a metaphor for one's psyche and fears.  As progress on my Explorers of the Labyrinth has stalled recently due to the aforementioned balance issues, I have been turning my attention to another labyrinth-based game, which I am tentatively calling Anima Labyrinth.   Indeed, in this concept, the labyrinth literally is a manifestation of the psyche and the main character's fears.  It's influenced by the Persona series, particularly with relation to Jungian psychology.  The reason why I even call it Anima Labyrinth is because I intend for one of he playable party members to be the protagonist's anima, the unconscious feminine aspects of his personality.  The real question is deciding just what is messing up his psyche so much that he has to confront it in the labyrinth / what demons (internal or otherwise) he must face.
 
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I suppose this would go here. I haven't purchased the software yet, just playing around with the trial version of MV. I plan to purchase the software once my trial runs out. My question, sort of, is what people think of the theme I am doing for my "side project" RPG. To test the software in the trial and get results with minimal story planning, I went for a pure adult comedy route, but this was never intended to become an actual game, it was just a way to test the software, and then once I purchased it I would start over with a more serious epic fantasy tale. But some of my friends seem to really like this little video I did, and they enjoyed watching the comedic dialogue back and forth between the characters.


So I guess my question to the community is, should I flesh out this comedic take or scrap it in favor of something more dark and serious? The game itself is not downloadable yet, I just shot a short four minute video of my self playing through three maps. It was just a quick little game I threw together in about 5-6 hours, though most of that was figuring out how I wanted to map the areas. Fore warning, the game does have adult language, but of course it is written and not spoken. If it is considered too mature for these forums and thus my comment can't be posted, I completely understand. I would just really love some feedback. Ultimately, I want to start a 127.0.0.1/banned.url page next year once I've got a playable demo and aim towards one day making my dream of turning Omnilore Productions into a real company come to life. Anyway, any feedback anyone can give me would be much appreciated :D.
 

Niten Ichi Ryu

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@omnilore, is this a troll game?


This is not too "mature", this is completely immature. So these forums are pg13, so yes, language is totally inappropriate. It's not even swearing, its just vulgarity for the sake of it.


Sorry if I sound rude but don't flesh that out, flush it.
 

Omnilore

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Well, clearly it wasn't so inappropriate that they declined the post. It had to get moderator permission before it posted, and it got posted, so I assume they didn't consider it too vulgar, lol. But yes, it is rather vulgar, and as I said, I was messing around with the engine and did not put a lot of depth into it. If this was fleshed out more it would be along the same lines of other adult comedies such as Family Guy, BoJack Horseman, and others. But of course, if one finds those immature and offensive, they will feel the same way about this game.
 

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Well this is character and plot feedback, so maybe start actually talking about your plot and feedback to get advice/feedback.


right now, what I see of the plot is: Fight a Ninja.


what I see of the characs is an idiot, a Nympho, a far righter and a chick, all with foul mouth and vulgar names. Nothing more. How do you plan to flesh that out?


don't get me wrong or bigot, I do love family guy, and they indeed throw a few F bombs here and there. But they also walk a thin thread, dealing with controversive subjects with more or less subtlety.


so maybe reduce the foul language, to make the bad words more impactful and be careful what subject you joke with. And maybe less Meme like stuff. I mean your Trump guy might be totally outdated and not fun anymore in a few months.


I understand what/where you want to get, but keep in mind that:


- You might not manage to pull it off without a lot of work and test writing. Funny is a serious business.


- What works in a 25 min cartoon might fall flat out in a media like a game.


maybe play or replay stick of truth to get inspiration. It didn't work only because of south park and the lulz, but because it was a good game, with good writing.
 

Omnilore

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Yeah, it would definitely need to be fleshed out more. I haven't put much thought or effort into this comedic take yet, I guess I was wanting some feedback to see if this type of setting with these types of characters would be interesting. Though I admit, it is a bit juvenile and would limit my audience, so it's probably best to focus on something a little more serious. So I'll present some of my other ideas and plots. I am an aspiring writer and hope to one day own my own multimedia company. I want to pilot a variety of creative projects across multiple outlets such as webcomics, cartoons, video games, webseries, and indie films. Right now I am in the "starving artist" stage, just keeping my eyes open for that spark that will unleash the Fires of Creation :D.

For roleplaying games, I envision the world of Krystaria, with a variety of stories in mind crafting tales across tens of thousands of years, from the first vestiges of civilization to the farthest reaches of space. High fantasy, modern supernatural, and futuristic science fiction, all rolled into the same ever-changing world spread across vast expanses of time. From the first man-made fire to the last, the over-arching narrative of Krystaria would tell the entire history of the people. Krystaria isn't actually the name of the world, but the title of the series as a whole. Krystaria is what many people consider a goddess, an ancient fae queen who sacrificed herself to erect the Crystal Pillars, a network of tower-sized gems that dampens the gathering of Akudar, dark energy cast off by negative emotions.

Akudar, if left unchecked, is drawn together similar to mass/gravity. It clumps and becomes these dense spheres of pure negative emotion, and eventually gathers enough substance to become self-aware, thus sparking the birth of a minor demon. In that way, demons are given life by hate, fear, and anger. They can keep absorbing Akudar until they manifest a physical form or possess a body. The Crystal Pillars project a dampening field to vastly weaken this process, ensuring that the majority of Akudar fades from the physical plane of existence before becoming self-aware. The largest of the Pillars -- the Mother's Sapphire -- sits in Krysthaven, the capital of the known world. Encased within is the form of a beautiful young woman, frozen in time. Many consider this to be Krystaria herself, and have even erected an oppressive religion around it, eventually leading to the Holy Krystarian Empire and a series of crusades and inquisitions, similar to our own world.


The main story of the first game would take place in the middle of the timeline, where the Holy Krystarian Empire has an iron grip on most of the known world, but they haven't yet developed modern technology or conveniences, similar to the Dark Ages. The main protagonist is Darbin Crest, the teenage son of High Inquisitor Ladarsa Crest. Generally, there are twelve High Inquisitors and they answer to the Lord Commander of the Knights of the Mother. In most cases, each High Inquisitor will have a staff of lesser Inquisitors and will be tasked with maintaining religious courts of justice in one of the Empire's regional areas. They usually work alongside local Regents.


But Ladarsa is different. He was such a brilliant soldier and tactician in his younger days as a Knight, the Emperor and Lord Commander couldn't allow him to be shoved into a court once he ascended to High Inquisitor. He was granted his own army and a fleet of ships, and sent south to battle the growing resistance in the island kingdoms of the Sea of Uhlakar. Within only a few years, he had crushed the voices of most of the islanders, burned apostates at the stake and demanded complete and total obedience from all with absolutely no mercy. He took the port city of Hedenmoor as his capitol, executing the inhabitants of the palace and naming it his own. Ecstatic with Ladarsa's immense success, the Emperor also named him Regent of the Sea of Uhlakar and chose him as next in line to become Lord Commander.


Fast forward a bit, and Darbin is born. Raised in Hedenmoor and taught to hate all who oppose the Empire, he shows every sign of becoming the tyrant his father is. Once turning sixteen, Darbin is required to undergo military training and continue the legacy. On his first training mission, he accompanies his father on a voyage south to the island of Rendari, where reports of a young girl who can use magic have surfaced. Mages are rare and anyone with such talent is required to attend the College of Sorcery in Krysthaven and pledge themselves to the Empire.


So they arrive at Rendari, and after a chase through the woods, they catch the girl. Her name is C'marya, and Darbin is a bit conflicted because to him, she looks like a lost and scared child. At first, Ladarsa wants to take the girl alive so she can be sent to the College of Sorcery, but it quickly becomes apparent that she will not cooperate, and so Darbin is ordered to make his first kill and execute the girl.


Clearly disturbed by this, but bound by honor, Darbin unsheathed his sword and walks over to her. She cowers before him in the wake of the magic dampening chains that have bound her, and he lifts his blade to strike. He whispers, "I'm sorry," and swings downward. A moment later, he is frozen in place, and he hears his father and the soldiers yelling. Turns out the girl was only playing with them and the chains had no effect on her. She has placed an enchantment on Darbin, preventing him from moving. She comments that she can sense a kind soul in him beneath the layers of darkness, and that she will hold on to him for a while until he learns to respect life a little more. She then smiles and also reveals her enchantment compels him to protect her and to get her as far away from the Empire as possible.


Another daring chase scene unfolds as Darbin fights his father's men and struggles to get off the island with C'marya, his own personality still intact but driven by the enchanted compulsion that causes him intense psychological trauma if he does not comply. From here, the story opens up as they go on a series of adventures across other islands and eventually the mainland, gathering a cast of characters along the way. Darbin unwillingly aids in building a new resistance against the Empire, forced to obey by the enchantment. Over time, C'marya deliberately weakens the hold so that he is making these decisions with more and more of his own willpower, ultimately unsheathing the hero that was within him all along.


This overall theme is kind of cliche in that it's similar to the battle between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, but I feel I can make it rich and vibrant enough where people will still enjoy it. So, what do you think? I would of course have to be careful how I write it, because I doubt people want to spend more time reading unending lines of dialogue than actually playing the game, lol.
 
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I'm thinking about starting a new game that will be an RPG with a dark atmosphere to it. The game will take place in a afterlife sort of world. 


mechanics.png




The world is made up of the memories of the dead and you randomly go through those rooms or memories. I wanted to give the game a Yume Nikki feel to it. 30_591.png


However, unlike yume Nikki there will be a story and there will be battles. 


I'm planning the enemies to be the souls that were lost in the afterlife, so I want the enemies to be creepy or weird. There will also be bosses, however some bosses I thought I'd make completely optional. They will be optional because you won't have to explore every room the game will have to offer, so you may never even find some while playing. 


The game will not use MP, or TP. Skills in the game will have a downside to using them. such as, doing damage to you or making you poisoned. 


story.png


In the game you play as a guy who has grown to believe no one cares about him and believes everyone hates him.


He decides to end his own life to escape the world. As soon as he gets to his afterlife he's greeted by a lost soul (someone who gave up hope in the afterlife)


who shows him the room. The room is where you can travel the rest of the afterlife. There are other humans in the world, however they are hard to come by because most people give up quickly. Most lost souls are also mindless. The lost soul that found you is one of the only souls who can actually think. 


In the game you and the lost soul come up with a plan to save everyone by killing the ruler of the after, however you aren't sure where to find him but you'll just have to look.


I wish I had screenshots but this is just a concept.


Everything and anything is subject to change.


I have no problem changing any ideas.


 
 

Kes

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Game Mechanics Design forum is for discussing the design of game mechanics and this has no aspect of game mechanics about it.  It is also meant as a broad based discussion forum, not for giving feedback on individual specific projects.  Therefore....


I am merging this with Plot and Character Feedback thread
 

HexMozart88

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@Industrial Gamer That's a pretty cool idea. I think that the enemies should be all deformed and stuff so you cannot recognize any faces, so then one of them can be someone you know whose death you've inflicted. 
 

consolcwby

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I've been kicking around an idea for the last year and a half, and while it may never amount to anything, I was wondering if anyone wanted to comment. Maybe this is a dead-end, but we'll see. It's a rather surrealist-absurdist comedy idea. Yeah. I love that stuff! But, maybe it should take another form than a game... I dunno. The cast is listed in order of their appearence in the credits. I already wrote a theme-song to it and wouldn't mind getting feedback on how it fits into this. If needed, I can dropbox it here. It's a little samey, but has that vibe I'm looking for in the setting.


The Gist:

Welcome to the Townsville USA! The home of The Alexander Pope School For Gifted Children, The Alexander Pope Memorial Hospital, and the corporate headquarters for The Alexander Pope Pizzaria, Winery, and Car Wash Co. Within this sleepy community, are our heroes - children all - yet each with their own special gift:
1) Trout: A befuddled and confused child, always following others no matter where they lead. His gift is extreme hero worship.
2) Millicent: A happy and bubbly child, always carrying her dolly named Dolly. Her gift is extreme naivete.
3) Kuma: A thoughtful child, always ready to offer useful and wise advice, whose gift is extreme sleepiness.
4) Rachel: A clever and doubtful child, always lurking and trolling on the internet. Her gift is extreme insight.
5) Debs: A spiteful and hateful child, always bullying those who disagree with the right-wing extemist Alexander Pope and his 'wifu' Sara Palin. Her gift is extreme illogical assumptions.
6)  Simone: A bi-haired Canadien girl who has just arrived in town whose goal is to become the global leader of SJWs. Her gift is extreme wickedness.
7) Kittu: A cat-girl who lounges around town. Rachel's arch nemesis and immune to all known human communication methods. Her gift is extreme apathy.


A scene I wrote last year:


(Fade up from black into Title Credits)


(Dissolve into:


First scene:  Ext. Downtown at the beautiful Alexander Pope Park And Recreation Community Center)


(Millicent, blonde haired is carrying a small blonde haired doll walking towards the redhaired Rachel)


Millicent: Hi, whatcha doing?


Rachel: Look at that! (pointing excitedly in front of her)


(The camera pans to show a large life sized statue of Alexander Pope slaying the Demon Lord Ehnono, a blue and white catgirl is sleeping within the crook of an upraised arm of the statue)


Millicent: Oh! It's Kittu!


Rachel: That damned cat! How many times do I have to call the police to stop this kind of thing?


Millicent: Oh, you shouldn't do that! It's not nice. Besides, she's sleeping. The sirens will wake her all up!


(Rachel turns to Millicent)


Rachel: Now don't you start again! That damned cat-thing is ruining MY town! I mean just look at it.


(they both turn to stare)


Rachel: Is it a girl? Is it a cat? Is it even human?


Millicent: Ooh! You think it might be an alien? That would be exciting!


Rachel: No! No it wouldn't! Last night I went on this web site and they said aliens were sneakin' in all over the place! Ruining everything!


Millicent: Why? Won't they share their technology?


Rachel: No! They want OUR technology 'cuz they're poor! They HATE US HUMANS! Them and those stupid people online!


Millicent: Oh, Dolly doesn't like that one bit! She didn't even know there are stupid people who can use a compooter!


Rachel: Yeah. There are!


Millicent: Well, who are they? What do they call themselves?


Rachel: Civil Rights Lawyers!


Millicent: Well, what do they do besides go on the internet?


Rachel: They're professional complainers!


Millicent: Oh, well, Dolly doesn't like the sound of them at all! Ooh! I think she wet herself! I better go and change her. She's shy and needs some privacy.


Rachel: Becareful! You don't want any pervies to see that!


Millicent: Oh, I know! I'm gonna change her where I always change her, near the Eighth Street stop lights. That way, the police cameras have a full view and they can catch the pervies before they can sneak up on us!


(Millicent walks off)


(Rachel approaches the statue)


Rachel: Hey! You! You stupid cat-thing! Get down from there! Your ruining a perfectly good statue!


(Kittu looks up briefly, turns her back to Rachel and tucks her head by her tail)


Rachel: Damned cat-thing! You ARE probably an ALIEN! And a lawyer to boot!


...


This is kinda the idea. It is more or less an exploration into the minds of adults who should know better by having their inner-child be actual children. The intent is to show the modern equivalent of an apology, if said apology was wrapped in the soiled bedlinens of Alexander Pope! :D


THEME SONG
 
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Pierman Walter

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@consolcwby I'm getting a serious Psychonauts vibe from it. It has potential to turn out hilariously great, as long as the social and political stuff doesn't become super ham fisted.
 

consolcwby

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I love Psychonauts! The focus isn't really on politics. The rest of the 'script' deals with a haunted house, believe it or not. The driving force of the plot had the characters dealing with situations by using their 'gifts'. The drawback to the overall plot was keeping everything contained within the context of the house. The characters tend to veer off on strange tangents, and their willful enough to behave in an unpredictable manner. It's surprisingly difficult to write. The most fun I've had is writing Millicent - she's like a stress toy! I can do just about anything to her and she unflappably bounces back! She and Rachel are the real main characters. They have a strong Odd Couple vibe at times!


And thanks for your input! I gotta keep the ham and cheese far away from this! xD
 
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So, let me summarize the story of the world I'm creating:


The world of Clastea is a world that was once ruptured by a battle between the first creatures that inhabited - creatures that the people of the land would refer to as "Gods" if they ever landed eyes upon such creatures. These beings were all avatars; absolute representatives of the primordial forces that encompass our very existence, but that can be broken down simply, since we understand the concepts of life, death, heat, cold... the earth we stand in, the air we breathe.


These creatures did not possess intelligence the way you and I understand intelligence. They acted on the world like wind or fire do, and as they fought each other out of sheer necessity just to exist, they ceased to while shaping the world, rupturing themselves into smaller pieces. Their beings fused with the now-formed world of Clastea, spreading their elemental energy across the land and birthing magic in the process. Their primal elemental force runs deep within the crust of the world in what mages today refer to as "Ley Lines", veins under the planet that might as well be a fusion of all the Gods that shaped it with their battles, living and sharing this existence with us in its own unique way.


Magic is prevalent in the world thanks to this, and it's not uncommon to see an elemental walking around the land - all with varying degrees of self-consciousness. Some people actually attempted to make the smaller and cuter elementals their household pets, all with absolutely hilarious end results, such as a house burning down somewhere, for instance.


The world, of course, is clad with calamity when it decides to strike. People's petty wars, monsters that evolved in curious ways thanks to their exposure to such thick elemental energies for such a long time... The world definitely changes over time, and with time, people's perception of light and dark, good and evil, gave way to creating elementals never seen before. For the past fifteen fifteen hundred years, these light sprites and the dark sprites have been engaged in a very visible and clear battle. It started small; no one remembers when and where it started exactly. But people were swayed by the pleas of the spirits, and thus factions were formed, alliances were created. Light and Dark suddenly became the most divisive thing in the entire world, with the forces of Light and the forces of Dark slapping each other around for supremacy over the other.


Avarice, jealousy, hatred and bloodlust were easy prey to the spirits of Darkness while bravery, intensity, relentlessness and sacrifice were the traits that Light embraced alongside its champions. Their wars have raged on and on, as the world keeps on going forward, just as it always had.
 
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