Plot and Character Feedback

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HexMozart88

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@KenKrath Ooh, I like it. Your voice acting is not bad (though Narboz was a little interesting). The story as a whole is interesting, but I think your characters should have more than one expression (Narboz was still smirking after Ciro died). 


You captured the medieval atmosphere very well, I think. Probably better than in my own game. Your action scenes were top notch too.  :thumbsup-right:
 

KenKrath

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@KenKrath Ooh, I like it. Your voice acting is not bad (though Narboz was a little interesting). The story as a whole is interesting, but I think your characters should have more than one expression (Narboz was still smirking after Ciro died). 


You captured the medieval atmosphere very well, I think. Probably better than in my own game. Your action scenes were top notch too.  :thumbsup-right:


Thanks for the feedback. One thing that I will look at improving are the facial expressions. It was mentioned once before as well. I'm looking for your project to review but sadly I cannot find anything :(
 

LaFlibuste

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@TakaDynasty
Portrait-wise, I'd say yes to all questions, except maybe uniform which is hard to tell with only shoulders shown. It could be either be rather similar or very different.


Story-wise:


1) It is definitely kinda generic but the difference will be in rendition, I guess. All kinds of stories are "done", anyway.


2) Haven't played this either.


3) Well it can be possible, there definitely is a place for small parties in large-scale wars. The thing is, they will have to do small party stuff on the side-lines to gain an advantage for the war effort. They are most likely not going to single-handedly wipe a large battle-field or defend strategic points from thousands of enemy soldiers.
4) I've got no help on the technical side of it, but if you DO go that way, I'd suggest incorporating this in your story. This could even help answer some of KJSP's very valid points, namely why would the general use this party of unexperienced youths: because they've got one of the only/the only summoner around. Maybe it's a tribe/village thing, maybe the hero is special in some way and is the only one able to do it. This last idea might also be why the father sends his son on the mission rather than experienced men. It's also pretty done, mind you, but at least there's a logical explanation beyond "because that's the character the author arbitrarily picked".
 

TakaDynasty

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1) It is definitely kinda generic but the difference will be in rendition, I guess. All kinds of stories are "done", anyway.


Since posting, I've decided to do it like this:

  • Hero comes back from his proving to find his village has been conquered as a foothold for invasion.
  • His father, staying behind to temper the conquerors' aggression against the other villagers, sends him through a hidden passage in the family home on a quest to take a missive about the invasion to the king.
  • In that path will be a statue where a family heirloom will rest; a summoned creature. Not sure what to call these yet; I'm kicking around ideas between "Vis", "Visago", just plain "Visage", or... Crap, I forgot my other idea.

    Anyway, the summoned creature reacts to him and joins him on his quest, also granting him the ability to class change to a specific class. Each of the four party members gained along the journey will likewise offer a new summon with a new class; the ability to catch the interest of these summoned creatures, who are picky about who they react to, is one thing that'll tie the party together narratively.

[*]After meeting with the king and discussing the party's abilities, his party will be tasked with maneuvering the landscape of war taking shape in the kingdom to meet with a few other kingdoms, and attempt to secure an alliance with each. A coalition against a force many have feared for ages.

  • Along the way, they'll have opportunities to undergo side quests that unlock new summons, new classes (via learning directly from those who actually follow the class' principles), and take on dispatch missions from the king's generals to earn various rewards. These would be things like scouting missions, hostage rescues, detachment maneuvers ("Get to the cliff we've set the rockslide on, and trigger the thing on my signal"), and so on.

[*]The final stages of the main storyline will see the party playing a role in major battles, simulated by way of small, sequential engagements set against a scene much larger than the party itself... and eventually, they'll serve as the vanguard in challenging the empire's finest. (Can you tell I'm a huge Suikoden fan...?)



3) Well it can be possible, there definitely is a place for small parties in large-scale wars. The thing is, they will have to do small party stuff on the side-lines to gain an advantage for the war effort. They are most likely not going to single-handedly wipe a large battle-field or defend strategic points from thousands of enemy soldiers.


Absolutely, hence some of the above. Don't worry, how I'd handle a small party in a war story was one of the first things I ironed out in my head. :)

4) I've got no help on the technical side of it, but if you DO go that way, I'd suggest incorporating this in your story. This could even help answer some of KJSP's very valid points, namely why would the general use this party of unexperienced youths: because they've got one of the only/the only summoner around. Maybe it's a tribe/village thing, maybe the hero is special in some way and is the only one able to do it. This last idea might also be why the father sends his son on the mission rather than experienced men. It's also pretty done, mind you, but at least there's a logical explanation beyond "because that's the character the author arbitrarily picked".


Yeah, I've taken some of those thoughts into consideration and come up with... The hero is one of a very select few the summoned creatures favor. It's a bloodline thing, but even within a bloodline, only those with a specific "spark" can tap into the summoning power. Essentially it comes down to, these creatures are fickle and look for a certain quality not everyone has.


I think it'll serve as a portion of why the main character is sent on the mission. As I said, the first summon is meant to be introduced in the secret passage, and while part of it is mechanical, the narrative side is that the father wasn't "one of the chosen", but the catalyst carrying the summon was passed to him by his father, who was. So he knows about the bloodline and the kinds of qualities this particular summon desires, and he saw them in his son. The passage itself primarily existed as an emergency route out of the forest, should the need arise to rush to the king in a time of crisis, but he also uses it to safely house the catalyst.

The hero's father is no ordinary man himself. :)

Ostensibly, the reasoning is "Half our fighters are dead, a quarter are wounded, and we need the other quarter to keep the beasts of the wood at bay. But I trust my son to dutifully slip through danger and warn the capital of the invasion. He'll go." However, he secretly hopes the bound creature responds to the hero on his way.

In short: Thanks to both of you for your insights. I feel like my thoughts are a lot more sculpted after taking them to mind.
 

KenKrath

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Hi there, I was sort of stuck on how to further the main plot of this rpg.


So the main idea of the game is that you are in a high fantasy world where the main character travels around destroying portals from the monster world, and thus restores peace to the settlements near them. Party members join him for various reasons, for example someone who lost their parents to monsters invading from a portal, who wants to prevent the same from happening,


The story continues with him clashing with a mysterious organisation which wants to prevent the portals from being destroyed. At first they are dismissed as typical baddies, however eventually some of the party members find out that the reason they are stopping the portals from being destroyed is that these portals are needed to preserve balance between the world of monsters and humans, and that continuing to do so could lead to the collapse of the world.


This then leads to the party disagreeing on whether they should continue to destroy the portals or not. The main character however reveals he knew of these consequences all along, but decided it is for the best. The story then explores a certain being which exists which can gain immense powers in the world. (I'll refer to them as demons for simplicity) The leader of the organisation which was stopping them from destroying portals turns out to be such a demon. Each demon has a certain phenomenon which can strengthen them. For example there is the demon of war, and the demon of peace. During times of war the demon of war would gain huge amounts of powers and abilities, while during peace he would be average. The opposite would be true for the demon of peace. 


The main character is then revealed to be the demon of chaos, who gains power the more instability there is in the world. Most party members abandon him at this point, believing that he is destroying portals for his own selfish gains. One party member stays however. He trusts the main character isn't doing it for personal gain, because he knows him very well. 


Finally the main character admits his real plan is to bring about an ideal solution to the problem, and to gain so much power from destroying the portals, that he as a being with godlike powers can stop the portals, which create disorder, and then restructure the world so that it can exist in a balanced way without portals being needed (probably by merging the two worlds)


The main issue I have at this point is how I get the main character to destroy the portals in such a number that he would become a god while not completely destroying the pacing of the game. At this point you would expect to be at least 75% done with the game, yet only have 5-10% of all portals destroyed. I couldn't imagine him convincing anyone other than his previous party members to help.


I would be grateful to any suggestions on how to do this, or any other comments on the story for that matter
Sorry I had to put it in a spoiler to save space. Since destroying the portals makes your main more powerful maybe you can keep the party members and have them be affected by the portals being destroyed and getting weaker until they leave and/or die (they are also demons). With characters leaving/dying it might surprisingly flesh them out a bit more. Your audience may also want to know who is next to go. This can create inter-party drama as well. Does a character leave because they feel the main is being selfish, does another feel mistrusting of the main, etc.


So to answer your last part your main character becomes stronger while losing party members.
 

KenKrath

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I could use some helpful advice on my story...


Basically I am unsure how to progress my story and I think my villain may not be... "evil" enough.
I only have basic ideas so far, and I am not an accomplished writer by any means.


A fantasy world, perhaps lower than typical rpgs. Magic exists but real mastery of it is limited to few (so basic spells are easy, advanced spells are much harder and are limited to people who have devoted themselves) I would like to avoid the typical Demons and Dragons and focus more on the Kingdoms of mankind.


The protagonist (player) is a Prince of an once great empire which now is small and weak due to poor leadership and terrible treaties. Only recently has this downward trend been stabilized by the Prince's Father (and possibly Grandfather). The kingdom is sort of religious based and has a unique mastery over light/holy magic. At the start of the story the Father dies unexpectedly (natural causes, To Be Determined?) leaving the Kingdom to his advisers and his 2 children (Prince and Princess). The Prince is not old enough to rule and so the advisers decide that the Princess should head the council and that they should rule the kingdom until the Prince is mature enough for the throne. 


The antagonist is the Princess (older sibling to the player). She wants to restore the kingdom to its former glory through conquest and expansion. Not all that evil, she cares for her brother, father and her people. Enjoys studying and wishes for more knowledge to make the world a better place. (although that idea becomes corrupted. By expanding her kingdom through conquest rather than peace. Probably due to the fragility of life and how quickly her world has changed due to her Fathers death) She is extremely gifted at magic and seems to be constantly pouring over the kingdoms tomes. 



Basically, chaos breaks out and the edge of the Kingdom is attacked. Ready for war the Princess and the advisers are quick to blame the closest kingdom. The Prince desperately wants to follow his Father's example and lead the nation towards peace and away from war. Eventually he must fight for his Kingdom. During these events the Player learns that they were not attacked by this country. At this point it is too late to stop the war (or even if it does stop, the Player's Kingdom has already won). The Prince then confronts his Sister and the Council of advisers about what he learned. They don't care and the Princess convinces them to banish the Prince for events during the
war (which were out of his control). After this the Princess sets herself up as the Empress of the Kingdom and continues her expansion / conquest to further kingdoms.


---


So this is basically where I am stuck. The Player/Prince is now banished. I am considering having him roam the world and gain companions and experience and eventually try to reclaim his throne or having a time skip in which he and his company are now older and have already gained some new skills and partners (to cut down on grinding and such). I don't really know how to continue though. Because I have no terrifying world ending Demonic threat or Big Bad it feels much harder to write. I would like to explore other kingdoms and their wars and conflicts (possibly while the Prince is stuck as a mercenary for hire). Eventually the Prince would have to settle things with his Sister and reclaim his throne, either by forcefully ending her or negotiating transfer of power (possible morality choice?).


I guess I am just asking for critique and advice on how to make the story better and how to fill in the gaps of where I am and where I want to go.


Thank you very much for reading this.
Ok Ice444 so you have a nice premise going here. I think something that will define your story is to delve into why your main's sister really went off the deep end. Was it from reading tomes, was it her council, power? I think once you do that you'll find it easier to develop you main.


Since you're stuck after this banishment maybe you can have your main settle down in a city and have this princess tries to take it over. Her method and background should dictate the story (i.e. through force, treaties etc) somewhat. What type of resistance will the town put up? How does the prince react? Does the city get leveled? Does the princess arrive herself and see her brother interfering? What about the princesses love interest for a nice twist? Does she charm the prince's best friend?


As for companions each of them should have to have a reason for joining you right? A wealthy merchant gone poor because of the princesses new treaty? Two things that might make your story interesting are:


1. This princess is making good changes for the majority of people but this continued path will be harmful.


2. The princess is so efficient that it gives a sense of hopelessness in each town/city that you visit.


Hope that helps.
 

Tenkage

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I love having feedback on my stories and characters! Heyo folks, Tenkage here I'm always open to improvements and idea changes. I feel that story is typically one of my stronger points, but there's always room for improvement, after all! So, without further ado- I give you the story of the Hapless Hero!

Hapless is the son of a great knight who recently passed away. At his death, Hapless' father sent a letter to his friend the King, begging him to not make his son a knight- the boy's an absolute idiot! Nevertheless, when Hapless comes of age, it is tradition for young men to take a trial to prove their worth. So the King gives Hapless an impossible task- thinking that he'll never succeed. But Hapless isn't just any moron. He's the most moronic moron to ever moron, and he will moron his way through every possible RPG trope in the book! There's a "monster" terrorizing the land? Hapless kills some poor exotic pet that got away! The king is "poisoned"? Hapless will find the cure! (And devastate the Elven Forest in the process!) Throw him in prison? Well, isn't it convenient that the local Dark Lord decided to attack just then?

Looting the tombs of past heroes! "Rescuing" the princess from a political marriage, and destroying any chance at an alliance! Making the enemy think he's a brilliant tactician to join their cause, there's nothing Hapless can't screw up! At least, until his big sister Helena- an actual, competent hero- comes back home...

Further details, later on! :p
 
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KenKrath

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I love having feedback on my stories and characters! Heyo folks, Tenkage here I'm always open to improvements and idea changes. I feel that story is typically one of my stronger points, but there's always room for improvement, after all! So, without further ado- I give you the story of the Hapless Hero!

Hapless is the son of a great knight who recently passed away. At his death, Hapless' father sent a letter to his friend the King, begging him to not make his son a knight- the boy's an absolute idiot! Nevertheless, when Hapless comes of age, it is tradition for young men to take a trial to prove their worth. So the King gives Hapless an impossible task- thinking that he'll never succeed. But Hapless isn't just any moron. He's the most moronic moron to ever moron, and he will moron his way through every possible RPG trope in the book! There's a "monster" terrorizing the land? Hapless kills some poor exotic pet that got away! The king is "poisoned"? Hapless will find the cure! (And devastate the Elven Forest in the process!) Throw him in prison? Well, isn't it convenient that the local Dark Lord decided to attack just then?

Looting the tombs of past heroes! "Rescuing" the princess from a political marriage, and destroying any chance at an alliance! Making the enemy think he's a brilliant tactician to join their cause, there's nothing Hapless can't screw up! At least, until his big sister Helena- an actual, competent hero- comes back home...

Further details, later on! :p
I'm guessing that you will have quite a bit of humor in this. It also sounds a bit like "The Brave Little Tailor", and that's not a bad thing. Will it turn out that he actually is pretty competent at some point? I'm sorry I cannot give you much more feedback on this one. One thing I will mention is that if your hero's name is Hapless you will use synonymous names for the other characters? For instance your Dark Lord might be named Darka (just an example)? 
 

Plueschkatze

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I'm thinking of doing a game about the daughter of a magic 'n alchemy shop owner family. The main duty of the protagonist would be to go out on hunts for rare items and materials, therefore you can hire mercanaries to escort you into forests and dungeons, so they'll be part of your party, each with a unique set of skills and personality. So that you can build a huge variety of parties. At some points you can also stay at home and run the shop and meet some costumers. 


While you progress you'll unlock more mercanaries to join you and you'll be able to visit new places, either in the city or new dungeons. While exploring the city you'll get to know the people better, build friendships and you'll be able to romance some of them. Also you can unlock sidestories/quests.


This game would be heavily inspired by games like: Harvest Moon, Zelda, Suikoden and DatingSims.


Any thoughts on that concept? =)


What would you like to see in such a game?


I think I'll start a thread in the Early Feedback section soon.
 

Tenkage

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@KenKrath The base story is meant to be humorous, with the main hero not so much becoming competent, as simply not understanding that he's made a wrong choice. He's actually very good at the physical part of being a knight. Looks the part, and is much stronger than average. He also has a natural magic resistance that weakens and sometimes even outright nullifies certain spells- a great asset for a hero. But he has this fantasy idea of what his hero's journey is supposed to be like, and accepts no other realities than the one he's imagined. To give an example;

In one of Hapless' adventures, he returns to the castle to fine the king sick. In Hapless' mind, this translates to poisoning. In reality, the king has a mild cold. But once Hapless gets the idea into his head, nothing stops him for following it through. He goes to the Holy Temple for advice on a cure, exaggerates the king's condition, and makes them think he has some lethal poison that only a holy antidote could cure. That antidote being leaves from the Sacred Tree in the Faerie Forest. So, Hapless being Hapless, rushes off to the Forest, which has been enchanted to keep folks from entering casually. If someone wanders into the forest, they're never supposed to escape. But because of Hapless' natural magic-nullifying abilities, he makes it through the forest because of this fluke. The Elven Queen mistakes this as the forest's way of letting someone "worthy" through, and allows him to try for the leaves. She gives him a riddle that basically says he has to pluck the leaves using his own talents, without climbing it. Hapless' answer? He cuts it down. And in doing so, he dooms the entire Elven Kingdom. But, hey- he got the leaves, right?

This sort of pattern continues throughout all of Hapless' adventures, until finally his sister returns from her training to put an end to it. But, I intend to have two possible endings for Hapless' story. One where he stays on the side of the King (to his chagrin), and proceeds to royally muck up everything to bitter end. And one where he joins the Dark Lord, because the Dark Lord's limited interactions with Hapless leave him thinking that he's some great hero and warrior. But upon realizing the truth, tries to get rid of him ASAP. Ultimately, Hapless screws the Dark Lord's plans up so bad, the King thinks he joined him deliberately as subterfuge, to thwart him from within. And everyone mistakes Hapless for an actual hero.

As for the naming-pun, Hapless is one of the few characters that follows it, but it also continues in other ways. The King is the good king Goodking, of Kingsland. And the towns are all numerically named. Town one- Onest. One +st. Town 2- Duos, etc.

And finally, if I can swing it, there will be an unlockable, third adventure. It will follow a serious story-line, with Hapless' sister as the real hero, and a swap of names and characters to remove some of the more comedic threads from the initial game.
 

hppyniss

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@Plueschkatze Yup, I'd play it, and I'd become obsessed with it if the areas really felt alive, and the relationships with people felt...meaningful? Earned? Or something. Stardew Valley did this really well -- I came for the homestead but stayed so I could get to know the people. (Also, I'm building a slightly similar witchy game, so the premise is riiiight up my alley. Not enough of these sorts of games!) 


But yeah, let me know if you build this game/want to share it at some point, because I'm already dreaming about it haha.
 

Plueschkatze

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@hppyniss Haha, thank you for the kind words!


Yeah, I love games that give you some freedom to meet the people and to get to know them much better instead of just: "Here's your part, go and save the world!" 


I'm really in love with that plot/gameplay idea, so I hope that I'll be able to make a good game from that...


Witchy game? Sounds nice! Is there a place I can take a look at your game/progress? ^^
 

Enzee

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Right, so here's the outline sketch of my idea.


My girlfriend, often while cuddling, likes to call herself the luckiest girl in the world. And that gave me the idea to make a character story-driven around this idea.


I think it would work a lot better if this character is an NPC; something along the lines of playing an average person being dragged along in an adventure with someone who is essentially serendipity personified. Now, obviously, this would have to be reflected in gameplay. So every hit they score is a crit, every attack against them either misses or hits for minimal damage. But then that quickly stops being fun. Which means that the fighting cannot be the focus. The real draw of something like this would come from the world building and the story. To that end, I feel like playing it straight wouldn't cut it. A subversion of common tropes perhaps? (Something in the style of One Punch Man)


Let me know what you guys think, because my head is all over the place with ideas and could use some guidance.
 

Plueschkatze

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@Enzee Sounds like an interessting idea. I'd go for a game without fighting and focus fully on story telling. More in the vain of to the moon or some horror rpgs that can get you emotionally involved. I mean if she's the LUCKIEST person, mustn't it be hard to be friends with her sometimes? Or how does she feel for more unlucky beeings? How does she handle downers? What if her luck suddenly stops like a magic spell that vanished?! At least that's the direction I'd like to go for a game with that theme. =)
 

Enzee

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@Plueschkatze Ooh, I like that slightly darker angle. I'd probably have a ridiculously over-the-top fight sequence in the beginning of the game to really hammer in the point about her being lucky and what that means and implies in the game's world, but I think you're right in the sense that the story has to be the focus.


While it would certainly be easy to show the impact a person like that would have on their peers through the eyes of a bystander, but how would someone like that react? What would someone who has always had things go their way even know of disappointment or sadness? I'm still on the fence about taking that power away during the course of the game, but it certainly makes for a compelling character arc.


From a design standpoint, I envision this game to be along the lines of a point-and-click game (or, I suppose, a walk-and-hit-Use game) for interacting with the world while using visual-novel style dialog trees and such to move the story along.
 

Plueschkatze

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@Enzee

What would someone who has always had things go their way even know of disappointment or sadness?
Good point. She must be confused about peoples reactions. Everything must feel rather "easy" for her, since "luck" would mean she often succeeds, even if she's doing stuff for the first time. She must feel loved and be kinda careless at the same time. Dunno. You could build a REALLY interessting character from that. I mean... if someones always lucky, would he even care for the things he/she has in life? I mean not taking them for granted and stuff.. Would be a good contrast to a hardworking person... It's a little similar to a "richkid"-character who never had to worry about food or stuff, because of mommy and daddy.
 

Enzee

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It's a little similar to a "richkid"-character who never had to worry about food or stuff, because of mommy and daddy.


This is a good analogy. I'll see if I can knock up a pre-visualization or a mockup run over this month.
 

richter_h

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Hello everyone.


After months of arranging storylines, digesting references and several brainstorm sessions, I decided to do a final evaluation and gather feedback from people outside my circle for the story I'll work on as project's main plot. Note that there should be some grammatical errors as well as some confusing stuffs inside the story, so take it with a grain of salt and feel free to ask away about what's what in the story.


Why showing it here, you may ask?


I'd like to gather responses whether the story is good enough or need some revisions before actually getting into the development phase. Maybe with some more insights from people outside the circle it would add some better understanding regarding the plot, setting, character or the whole thing one at a time.


I've warned you: the story is a rather completed one, and describes everything in one arc so it'll be quite a long, long texts below. I'm making a one-shot story for this project, and fighting the urge to make any sequel/prequel at this moment. Still, this is a subject of changes and I tried my best to make it readable and hopefully, enjoyable.


Anyway, feedback welcome. :D

The story begins when a stray, exhausted Cogger fellow wanders off the prairie west of the Old City, then he falls unconscious. A certain Vigilante stumble upon the prairie and finds the Cogger laying on the ground, still alive but is struggling to breathe. He saved the Cogger and brings him to the Trader's Bunker, where Graham—the bunker's owner—eagerly do his best to save the Cogger's live. In the Cogger's possession, there is a note with partially damaged journal which mentions a name: Stalwart.



Days later, the Cogger has recovered although most of his memories are lost. Knowing the Cogger's condition, Graham then tells him that he helps not for mere charity; the trader had an intention to use a seemingly unrelated, unfamiliar person to do his biddings. The Cogger has no other choice than accepting the trader's deal, for Graham will inform him once the trader's relative discovers someone named Stalwart. So, Graham gives a task to the Cogger—later known as 'Ignored One' because he's deemed harmless by the trader and Vigilantes alike despite of his appearance that resembles the mindless, vicious Cogger kin—to assist the Vigilantes clearing an outpost that occupied by Outlaw ruffians and take a journal from the captured vigilante.



After the Cogger makes the job done, he returns to the trader's bunker. Graham tells the Cogger that, based on his trusted source, a man named Barkeep knows a thing or two about Stalwart's whereabouts—of course he'll give the information for a price. He also tells that he and some other traders are arranging a scheme to access the forbidden area, called Antikythera, and Graham thinks he could use the Cogger to conduct such scheme, and eventually grants them access to 'trove of the old world'.


The Cogger accepts Graham's plans, and he set his journey to the Old City. In his way to the Old City, the Cogger takes a detour and enters the well-known Minuteman Tavern, a safe hoven for ruffians and vigilantes alike. Just after he enters the tavern, a girl bumped him so hard that makes both of them fall and breaks one of the girl's goods. Panicked, the girl gets up and scram after putting her scattered goods into her bag, leaving the Cogger alone. A frowned man comes later, asking why the Cogger didn't halt the girl's escape after explaining what happened inside the bar. He then gives a free task for the Cogger to track down the girl which is supposed to be somewhere near the tavern, and a fair warning as the girl's a cunning type and had succeded deceiving the tavern's patrons for weeks with fake artifacts and such.



Later, after taking some drinks and a quick rest, the Cogger then continues his trip to the Old City, only to be halted by the same girl who bumped him earlier who was spotted prying upon a dead man's body, presumably seeking for loots, and she did find some loots and a strange artifact in the dead man's pockets. The girl suddenly yells and runs over the Cogger as she recognize the one who was in the Minuteman Tavern, in the moment she bumped over someone and broke her stuff. The girl demands a refund for a stuff that was broke when they bumped each other yet the Cogger is in doubt whether he should counter the demand or let it go. After long heated debate, the girl then decided to follow the Cogger wherever he goes, convinced that he'll pay the 'debt' once they're in the Old City.


When they arrive at the Old City's gateway, the road's blocked for security reasons. Barkeep, acknowledged of the Cogger's arrival from Graham, is able to reach them via radio, and suggests them to visit a Vigilante outpost near the Old City and retrieve some items there till the gate is reopened again. There, the Cogger meets Ronnie Smith, whom Barkeep mentioned in his message as his 'trusted source'. When they meet each other, a pack of beasts swarms the outpost, forcing everyone around the outpost to defend the perimeter at all costs. Once they managed to get rid of the beasts, the Cogger then requested by Ronnie to escort her into Evans' hideout, where some key items stored there may be exchanged for information in Barkeep's possession. Through a vast anomaly as well as several hazards are completely surrounding it, they managed to reach the hideout and get the items for Barkeep; some of them reveals another person, named Clive Evans, who also had similar interest as the Cogger currently has, and Ronnie knows Evans although she's reluctant to tell the Cogger more about this particular Vigilante. 



There is also a tape recorded by Evans himself, which mentions bizzare view of the land beyond Dark Valeey in one of his investigations as well as his first impression of Robert Stalwart, whom claimed as the Messenger of Broken God.


Collected the items from the hideout, they return to the Old City. When they arrive, the Marshals rangers are posted in front of the gate, stating that the beasts are heading on the city. Due to manpower's shortage, they asked the Cogger to assist them defending the gate although most of the rangers shunned Cogger's appearance and attitude. Managed to repel the beasts off the walls and after the Cogger mentioned his business with Barkeep behind the walls, the Marshals grants him permission to enter the Old City, marking himself as the first Cogger to have access into the city behind the wall.


Inside the walls, the Barkeep instructs the Cogger to visit McGraves' Pub, his tavern. There, the Cogger meets the trader with similar strature as Graham and asked to lend him the items retrieved from Evans' hideout and wait for several days until he's able to digest the items' information. While the Barkeep's doing his work on the documents and items from Evans' hideout, the Cogger visits a herbalist's shop, where he meets Claris, an alchemist and owner of the workshop. The little girl startled as the Cogger enters her workshop, and the Cogger stands still as he's dumbfounded by a brief flashback in his mind, stroke by the girl's injected sleep potion, and fall unconscious. Moments later, the Cogger awakes, with the little girl besides of him, mending some vials of pure ether that will be used for his source of power. The Cogger tells what he'd seen in the flashback, and a figure that similar to the alchemist in adult form instead of adolescent one. Claris, after observing thoroughly onto the Cogger, found something familiar on him that leads her to  show a memento from her lover whom lost in the Antikythera. Later, she expresses that she wants to find what leads her lover into his demise, as well as  ingredients to revert the effect of potion she brewed that rends her in her adolescent form.



Days later, Barkeep tells the Cogger about a place called 'Institute', which mentioned at Evans' documents as well as an area that separates Kythera and Antikythera—Mistfall—and a structure that keeps adventurers away from the territory beyond the forest: the Dirge. The information, however, is incomplete and the other part is stored somewhere in Institute; the Barkeep gives a task to the Cogger to retrieve the required items there, so the information about Antikythera and how to access the region will be clear. With given location from Barkeep's 'trusted source', the Cogger and the now-partner Mary then set a trip to the Institute that lies beyond the Dark Valley anomalous area.


Managed to pass through and overwhelm the odds Dark Valley had to offer, they arrive at the derelict settlement, where the Institute lies beneath it. They have to deal with ether-poisoned zombies that lurk around the hamlet before they eventually find the entrance to the Institute. There, the Cogger and the girl meet a hideous figure that appears from the dark corner of the derelict library and introduce himself to them as Harris. Harris did hide himself to avoid the Sindikat's next raid and keep the vital documents safe, including the journal Evans used for his expedition towards Antikythera. Harris doesn't give the documents for free, as he gives the Cogger a trade-in: retrieve the documents and gears from the missing hunter he'd hired long time ago somewhere around Mistfall—allegedly near the Dirge, and the documents will be his. The Cogger agrees, but the archivist knows that the couple need a protection gear against strong ether pollution and strange hums around the Dirge, as well as some kind of gizmo that will help them navigate such field reeks of anomalies, so he gives the Cogger fetch quests.


First, the Cogger must take a measurement kit which should be placed nearby various anomalies and pockets of foul ether fields. The kit will record some measurements, which will be useful for protection kit Harris will make for the couple. Harris himself directs the Cogger towards the designated places to get things done, and asks him to return to the Insitute once the procedure is done. Second, while Harris makes the protection kits based of Cogger's measurements, he asks the Cogger as well as Mary—who is adept in treasure hunting—to find Navigator artifacts. Since they have one of the artifacts, Harris then instructs them to find the rest; one Navigator will direct to another, making their job easier. They'll be helped by Natali and Chloe, amateur radio broadcasters who are initially intrigued by the Hum broadcasted around the Dirge and ended up in coalition with Harris for mutualism works.



The Navigators are surprisingly scattered throughout Kythera; one in Solstician Commune territory, one at the center of Lunkerstone, and one more in Svaszar grove. The Cogger and Mary find numerous hazards as well as allies and enemies in every area they visit, and eventually, against all odds and conflicts between Marshals against Outlaws, Mancers against Tinkers, and ultimately Order against Sindikat, they managed to collect the all four Navigators not long after Harris informs them that the protection gears are finished, all thanks to the radio broadcaster duo that act as the Cogger's navigator. Their discoveries lead into their next journey into one of the most dangerous places in Kythera; the Dirge.


With the protection gear equipped and the Navigators in hands, the Cogger and Mary set a dangerous journey to the Dirge, where numerous anomalies as well as ether pockets scattered around the tower complex, and the amount of foul ether is much concentrated just around the tower. They have to confront the horde of ether-poisoned zombies and the louder Hums (allegedly the culprit of the rise of zombies around the site) in their way into the tower's basement, only to meet several anomalies—Poltergeist, Sparkler and the Inferno—and ether-mutated beasts that inhabit the entire tower rooms. They managed to reach the inner chamber, where the machinery that responsible for the Hums operates. The Cogger turns the machine off, only to make himself collapsed and another vision invoked, revealing a figure he guessed as Clive Evans along with the Stalwart, and a brief flashback of Evans' fateful expedition that costs his life. An enormous voice then can be heard by anyone inside the chamber, stating that their journey is ended and they're invited to come to Runica, where the fabled 'wish granter' resides and able to make wishes come true. Mary is eager to see the wish granter by herself, however the Cogger decides to search for the alleged lost hired men Harris mentioned in their first encounter, and he made it to find a deceased man named Ivan as well as the documents, gears, and a journal of the bounty hunter before, during and after Evans' expedition. Based of the journal, Ivan was one of Evans' expedition team member along with Ronnie, Sergei, and Allen.


Through the battlefield where Mancers and Tinkers confronts each other, they return to the Institute and make a deal that Harris has offered. With vital documents in hand, they come back into the Old City and provide Barkeep and his trader fellows in the network the safe way towards Antikythera, and since the Hums are fading away as well as the Dirge is now accessible by most of people, a lot of fortune seekers surge into Antikythera via the same path the Cogger and Mary had used before. The Barkeep stated that someone wanted to meet the Cogger in Evans' hideout.



In their way to the outpost, they have to deal with the uprising Outlaws who are struggling to capture the Vigilante's outpost, and unfortunately they fall into trap when they reached Evans' hideout, knocking them unconscious. Moments later, a friendly figure appears and wakes them up. The figure called himself 'Doctor', treated the wounded ones with his so-called Ultima Panacea, and answers several questions the Cogger and Mary asked to him—in fact, he knows who is the Cogger in his past life before transformed into half-man, half-machine—as well as the natures of the 'wish granter', his previous intention to seek revenge to Robert Stalwart a.k.a. Father Robert, and the true secret of Antikythera. With such secrets revealed, the Doctor disappears, only leaving a note for the Cogger—now fully remembers his past as Clive Evans—that directs him to the stash where one of his partners, Allen Wesson, stored the mechanism to unlock a hidden door nearby the 'wish granter'.


Knowing the expedition to Antikythera will be dangerous, Evans reforms his expedition team which consists of various people he met along his way in his voyage as a nameless Cogger, new and old friend alike, and set forth across Mistfall, against all the odds and the suppression by the notorious Coggers of Broken God cult, dealing with Robert Stalwart in his final confrontation, and eventually reaches the Runica at the heart of Antikythera. Instead of approaching the 'wish granter', he leads the team to enter the secret chamber that only can be unlocked with Wesson's mechanism. The gizmo breaks when it unlocks the door, and turns out being another anomalous artifact that later dubbed as 'Antikytheran Mechanism'.



Making way deeper into the secret chambers of Runica, they're able to reach an alleged control room where an ornated staff stands on its own and glows faint spectrum of color. Evans put the staff off its place, only to summon a spectral projection of an entity who called itself Runican Mage and Warden of the Font. The spectre is responsible of the 'Ether Font' activities, which remains steady and anomalous. The spectre explains many things and answers everything Evans and the others asked—the anomalies, the Broken God cultists, their conflict with the impending doom-bringer Sarkic cult, and the secrets of the Ancients he kept well. Ultimately, the Mage offers a cooperation with Evans' party so Runica will be safe from either Mekansm and Sarkicism cultists, and keep the world as safe and stable as it currently is. Evans rejects the offer, and he along with the rest are banished by the spectre into Ether Realm via Bubble anomaly, where it claims the party would understand his offer if they find the truth by themselves.


Across many of Teleporter anomalies and with help of Navigators artifacts, Evans and co. finally reach the chamber where The Mechanic—who claimed to have observed Evans' deeds since his first moments of adventure till he finally reaches the chamber—and a single, massive entity which Mechanic called it as MKHNS reside. The Mechanic explains what would happen if they let loose the gate between Kythera and Ether Realm, where most of Sarkic cultists and their worshipped beings trapped inside secluded plane reeks of ether, and he keeps MKHNS in this plane as well because such entity is capable to keep Kythera and Antikythera from crumbling apart by unstable ether. Since Robert Stalwart has been killed by Evans in his last confrontation, the Mechanic doesn't have any capable candidates to represent MKHNS in Kythera. 



He then offers Evans position that once Stalwart placed there, which makes him responsible of the world's balance while the 'purging' sequence is in progress; MKHNS is gradually converting any fleshy, living being into mechanicals, effectively preventing one from being infected by Sarkicistic crafts and turned into beasts.
Evans responded otherwise; with Navigators artifacts he took from Mary's hands, he breaks off MKHNS instead of repairing It. The chamber crumbles and then collapses just right after Evans and the party excluding the Mechanic being thrown off the plane, and stranded in strange, beautiful world unlike Kythera; green prairie, with mountainous range in the horizon, waters are clean, and the life forms are unlike Kythera and Antikythera's mutated, wicked ones. 


In this distant land, however, they can hear and feel the ether spurring and shrieking; reminding them to the Mechanic that the ether emissions will occur more often if MKHNS fails to sustain itself. Evans, along with Mary and any other survivors of his expedition team live in this new world since then.
 
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Elizabeth17

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Okay. I don't have a name for my idea yet.


But basically.


Elizabeth is about 16, she had a rough past year and she is recruited by an organization that isn't exactly nice. But while they may not be heroes, they offer her something more important. A sense of self, and a family in their friendship. So the game is about her learning to fight for this organization, and gaining friends. So the early game would probably be a tuturial on her water magic and mostly internal affairs as she develops levels(stats) as well as learning new skills.


After that she is ready with the next stage of the game. Which would be a mission selecion screen. Sort of a, "finish 3 of 5 for next chapter." And the missions get tougher as her friends(optionl party members become closer and closer.)


The missions haven't been designed yet but they should reflect the overal plot in the sense that you are not a hero. So the missions should reflect this internal conflict about the main character, the losses from some missions, as well as the danger of failure as she tries to accept her new position.


Once you near the end. Your mentor will betray you, and many of your allies will join him. Or rather, they were his allies first. But a few stay at  your side. Now you must fight your own team. To prove all you have learned was worth it and that you can make the right choices. Of course, right choice is more than tactical fighting. Will you destroy your former ally or try to reform him? And will your friends pay for your actions?
 

TakaDynasty

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@Elizabeth17

I like the overall premise. It's something that's done a little less often. I also like a mission structure in this case, as it fits the theme and is one of the easier ways to implement story branches and alternate endings, should you decide to go with those. Will the bonds you form through play influence who stays with you and who follows the mentor? I can see it being really rewarding for the player to see the people they developed relationships with stick by them over the guy who's been their leader (I assume) because the player took the time to become close with them.

I sense a strong emotional element in this concept that could be really moving. I don't have the expertise to tell you how it could be refined, but I can tell you I think you've got good ideas in general. :)
 
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