Plot and Character Feedback

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Elizabeth17

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Yep! That would be my idea. Overall 8 characters. 1 main(you) one garenteed ally. 6 allies you can elect to add to your team at will  and develop a bond with. And those bonds determine how the final level ends. :D


Thank for the feedback. Also tons more factors to the final level. lol. But thats the core idea. :D
 

TakaDynasty

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Yep! That would be my idea. Overall 8 characters. 1 main(you) one garenteed ally. 6 allies you can elect to add to your team at will  and develop a bond with. And those bonds determine how the final level ends. :D


Sounds good! Six allies is a solid number, and yeah, you definitely need at least one ally who'll always be there just from a mechanic standpoint. Better make sure the final boss is balanced to make it "tough but not impossible" with just one ally though. :)
 

Elizabeth17

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Ironically, the plan is for you to fight the boss solo. Which might sound horrible but she is the main character, so by the game machanic you have had to use and raise her.


The idea is sort of. Well, first the villain motivation is to destroy you before you become stronger than him. And the implication is that has already happened. So he kidnapps your garenteed ally and uses them as a  hostage restricting you to fight without magic. Your allies recue her mid fight.


So I think the victory condition of part one would be more, surviving x number of turns(or letting your friend die.) Then after she is rescued, you can use your magic. Which would make the match much easier. But the trick is. She is supposed to be a good fighter and a good spellcaster. So the true ending happens if you win without magic, even once allowed to use it. Which would give weaker players and easier out to win, and make the final boss much harder for people that want the true ending. It is also meant to be a cocky moment. Elizabeth being like.


"You kidnapped my friend. Our ally. All to fight me handicapped. Fine, I don't care she  is rescued, I am gonna play your game and WIN!" lol.


:D  And yes, my avatar is Elizabeth(the games main character.) lol.
 

TakaDynasty

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Haha, I see. It's an interesting premise! If it's a one-on-one showdown, that's a different story mechanically.

So essentially, rather than a story about an event or a world, it's a story following this one girl and how her experiences with this group shape her by the end of the game. That could be really fun, especially if the personality spectrum is a bit broad where you could turn up with an Elizabeth that's really sensitive and caring in one game, one who only looks out for herself in another, or anything in between.

Stories of growth and adaptation, especially for teenage characters who have so many ideological angles pulling them in different directions, offer a lot of opportunity for storytelling when the story is more about them than the world around them. The more I hear, the more I think you've got the right idea in terms of theme. :D Make sure you consider the world around Elizabeth as well, though. Not so much as a "character" itself, but as an influence on Elizabeth. For example...

Are there other factions she'll cross paths with? How do their ideals and methods conflict with those of the group she's running with, and how can ("can" being a keyword, if you want the player's actions to dictate what kind of Elizabeth they end up with) they influence her?

Is there an authority in this world? How does it view Elizabeth's group, and how does Elizabeth view it?

Does Elizabeth have any family or friends from her previous "life" that could get in touch with her? How do they see her new life, and how might their potential presence affect her?

Things like that. You've got something potentially fascinating here. :) How open-ended you decide to make it is up to you; it could be interesting whether Elizabeth's personality is dictated by the player or not. Just bear in mind the approach will have to be a little different depending on which angle you take. If the player's input is key, it's how "might" things affect her. If it's a linear story about how Elizabeth becomes the girl you, the developer, already know she'll be, it's how "do" things affect her.
 

Elizabeth17

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In a sense it is both. I mean, Elizabeth becoming a fighter is a defined moment and I have a very set idea of who Elizabeth truly is, but for the purpose of a game I would be very open ended because I think Elizabeth to each person playing her would enjoy shaping her in their game. But their version of her isn't gonna reflect the actual cannon version of her.


Does that make sense?


And I know your questions didn't seek ansers, but I can't help myself. lol.


1. Elizabeth's activities are illegal and as a result, against the police is very likely. Also missions might reflect a dark scale(since player can pick missions they can silentely decide her ethics as a result.)


2. Elizabeth has no true conflict with the government, she assists the illegal people because they  have become her family.


3. Elizabeth has no family she would be willing to visit, with the only exception being in a graveyard.


I have a feeling these answers are giving you a more defined version of who she is. lol. :D
 

TakaDynasty

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In a sense it is both. I mean, Elizabeth becoming a fighter is a defined moment and I have a very set idea of who Elizabeth truly is, but for the purpose of a game I would be very open ended because I think Elizabeth to each person playing her would enjoy shaping her in their game. But their version of her isn't gonna reflect the actual cannon version of her.

Yeah, that makes sense. It's not uncommon for there to be canon interpretations of characters that are blank slates for players. Of course, she can become a fighter regardless! What would change isn't whether or not she can fight, but why she fights. Where she draws her will from. Is it the desire to be free of limitations and expectations? The desire to protect? The desire for revenge? The desire to impress someone? That would be what the player determines. :)
 

And I know your questions didn't seek ansers, but I can't help myself. lol.


1. Elizabeth's activities are illegal and as a result, against the police is very likely. Also missions might reflect a dark scale(since player can pick missions they can silentely decide her ethics as a result.)


2. Elizabeth has no true conflict with the government, she assists the illegal people because they  have become her family.


3. Elizabeth has no family she would be willing to visit, with the only exception being in a graveyard.


I have a feeling these answers are giving you a more defined version of who she is. lol. :D


Haha, it's fine. It means you're passionate about the game's main character, and that's a good thing. :D

This does define a lot about her, but the good thing is it's not necessarily counter-intuitive to your premise. In fact it's almost necessary, as Elizabeth has to have a reason for falling in with these people to begin with, and you seem to have a clear idea of why she does. In fact, having a character with a specific personality at the start of the game can make the ending that much more satisfying for a player who turns her into something very different. A sort of... "Look how far she's come. When she started out, she was a bitter, lonely girl with no place in the world, and now she's found her purpose and defends it with all her might."

(Not saying that actually defines who she starts out as, but as an example, haha.)
 
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Elizabeth17

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Yeah, that makes sense. It's not uncommon for there to be canon interpretations of characters that are blank slates for players. Of course, she can become a fighter regardless! What would change isn't whether or not she can fight, but why she fights. Where she draws her will from. Is it the desire to be free of limitations and expectations? The desire to protect? The desire for revenge? The desire to impress someone? That would be what the player determines. :)
 


Haha, it's fine. It means you're passionate about the game's main character, and that's a good thing. :D

This does define a lot about her, but the good thing is it's not necessarily counter-intuitive to your premise. In fact it's almost necessary, as Elizabeth has to have a reason for falling in with these people to begin with, and you seem to have a clear idea of why she does. In fact, having a character with a specific personality at the start of the game can make the ending that much more satisfying for a player who turns her into something very different. A sort of... "Look how far she's come. When she started out, she was a bitter, lonely girl with no place in the world, and now she's found her purpose and defends it with all her might."

(Not saying that actually defines who she starts out as, but as an example, haha.)
Except. Your right that is  how she starts out. Tvtropes labeled her "A broken bird" and very much for the reason you mentioned.


:D   I am glad you like my idea. :)


Thanks for  the feedback.
 

Kes

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@Elizabeth17 Please do not quote whole posts simply to indicate who you are answering.  It makes the page slow to load and to scroll down, especially for those accessing this on their phones.  If you want to make it clear who you are replying to, just use the @membername convention as I have done on this post.  Tagging a person in this way has the additional advantage of letting them know that you have replied to them, if they have that option turned on in their Notification settings.
 

benj2687

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Hello,


 


I have an idea for a plot for a series I want to writecreate and would like feedback from people who wont flatter me (i.e family members). The genre is adventure/magic/ action I guess but its still very early days but I will explain the basics below:


 


·        A young man named Hiro leaves his small home island of Stonehaven to fulfil his dream of reaching and exploring the End of the World. Hiro has lived on the small island his whole life and has an unquenchable thirst for adventure. He has chosen his goal to be the End because when he was younger, a travelling mercenary visiting his master told him what End was- completely enrapturing the isolated young Hiro. Hiro made this his aim and trained since that day to become strong enough to make the journey. Hiro possesses a rare item known as an artefact and it will be very important in his journey. He has had the artefact ever since he was discovered on Stonehaven as an infant; embedded in the back of his left hand. Artefacts are rare but each possesses unimaginable and different powers. Across the world, multiple guilds are being formed. A guild is a group of like-minded individuals aiming for the same goal. More specifically, Explorer’s Guilds are being formed in order to have a greater chance of reaching End.  Many people want to reach End for many different reasons but Hiro’s may be the most profound of all; for the joy of adventure. Along the journey, Hiro will meet various different people who will join him in his cause and they will team together to reach End.


 


Artefacts: Special items and tools that boost power in battle (e.g. A sword that covers itself in flames or the ability to communicate with animals via a connection of some sort). This is one of the main gimmicks of mi idea but I do not want them to be overpowered so soldiers without artefacts can still beat them. 


 


The End of the World: In the story, the End of the World is undiscovered. Many groups want to reach End for various types of gain- e.g. The World Govt. wants to establish a base there to ensure complete control over the worlds laws. The race to reach the End is highly competitive. ( I do have more for this but I do not want a wall of text to stop people commenting :/ )


 


Adventurers Guilds: Early on in the story, Hiro will form a guild and use it to generate funds and experience for his eventual assault on the End. He will set the guild up in his countries capital city and gradually gain members who use the guild for work and in turn help Hiro in his goal. 


 


My main concern is that I am trying to fit too much into the story and that maybe I should just focus on the guilds or the End. More information available. 


 


I would appreciate any feedback and would be happy to send a copy of what I have to anyone looking for something to read or would like to help me some more. 

Many Thanks.
 

Niten Ichi Ryu

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@benj2687


Hiro, as a name as a very japanese sounding connotation. Weird when coming from a place named stonehaven.


While not saying that you indeed try to fit too much in the story, scope seems epic and maybe much for what may be your first game. The trap will be to try to make your world and ideas so alive and part of the story that you might "miss" the fact that you are making a videogame, not a novel or a Pen and Paper RPG setting.


Otherwise, the pitch sound interesting, even though it really reminds of shonen manga tropes.
 

LightningLord2

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@benj2687 My recommendation for a smaller game to start out with is one that is a prequel to the 'big' game you're trying to make, possibly with a simple plot such as Hiro's father (or other person he knows) retrieving the artifact Hiro owns in the story and handing it to him.


As for designing artifacts, head to the game mechanics section for ideas about how to balance them.
 

RetroBoy

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Hello,


 


I have an idea for a plot for a series I want to writecreate and would like feedback from people who wont flatter me (i.e family members). The genre is adventure/magic/ action I guess but its still very early days but I will explain the basics below:


 


·        A young man named Hiro leaves his small home island of Stonehaven to fulfil his dream of reaching and exploring the End of the World (1). Hiro has lived on the small island his whole life and has an unquenchable thirst for adventure. He has chosen his goal to be the End because when he was younger, a travelling mercenary visiting his master told him what End was- completely enrapturing the isolated young Hiro. Hiro made this his aim and trained since that day to become strong enough to make the journey. Hiro possesses a rare item known as an artefact and it will be very important in his journey. He has had the artefact ever since he was discovered on Stonehaven as an infant; embedded in the back of his left hand. Artefacts are rare but each possesses unimaginable and different powers(2). Across the world, multiple guilds are being formed. A guild is a group of like-minded individuals aiming for the same goal. More specifically, Explorer’s Guilds are being formed in order to have a greater chance of reaching End.  Many people want to reach End for many different reasons but Hiro’s may be the most profound of all; for the joy of adventure(3). Along the journey, Hiro will meet various different people who will join him in his cause and they will team together to reach End.


 


Artefacts: Special items and tools that boost power in battle (e.g. A sword that covers itself in flames or the ability to communicate with animals via a connection of some sort). This is one of the main gimmicks of mi idea but I do not want them to be overpowered so soldiers without artefacts can still beat them. 


 


The End of the World: In the story, the End of the World is undiscovered. Many groups want to reach End for various types of gain- e.g. The World Govt. wants to establish a base there to ensure complete control over the worlds laws. The race to reach the End is highly competitive. ( I do have more for this but I do not want a wall of text to stop people commenting :/ )


 


Adventurers Guilds(4): Early on in the story, Hiro will form a guild and use it to generate funds and experience for his eventual assault on the End. He will set the guild up in his countries capital city and gradually gain members who use the guild for work and in turn help Hiro in his goal. 


 


My main concern is that I am trying to fit too much into the story and that maybe I should just focus on the guilds or the End. More information available(5). 


 


I would appreciate any feedback and would be happy to send a copy of what I have to anyone looking for something to read or would like to help me some more. 

Many Thanks.


1: Why? 


"Hiro has lived on the small island his whole life and has an unquenchable thirst for adventure." is simple and it works but it sucks.


He could just go for an adventure to another island... why does he want to go to the End of the World?  (Maybe call it the Edge of the World or the World's Edge). Unless you want some kind of plot twist, like the main character is the unwitting reincarnation of a great evil and unconsciously longs for the utter annihilation of all life... and doesn't realize that is what he is trying to find... followed by some grand internal struggle... or something.


Calling it "The End of the World" implies Apocalypse, closure or some kind of destruction.


2: Lame.


Not saying this to discourage you but sounds like the plot to every modern anime. You want something that is going to be interesting to your player and make your game memorable. Chosen One found with artifact of unimaginable power who wants to travel the world, is lame. You're not lame. But the idea is tired. Its been done, a lot. And its cheap.


If you get an object of unimaginable power, come up with something in game. During the first Act have him get into an unexpected battle with an extremely powerful antagonist, then have them "slip on their robe" and fall off a cliff or accidentally get crushed under a rock knocked loose by the rampaging cow the hero had originally been sent to recover from the mountain top... something like that.


THEN the hero finds the object that he shouldn't otherwise have. Something like that can work, but just always having it is dull and lazy writing.


Maybe then the artifact is what he needs to start the adventure?


I know this suggestion is hackneyed; its been done over and over since the Wizard of Oz, but even that is more original than "Found with an artifact of ultimate power" thing. Its WAY over used... and worse... its boring.


3: The Most Profound of All.


No its not. The Joy of Adventure is an extremely shitty excuse... BUT... its an AMAZING excuse if there is a rival or antagonist who has a REALLY awesome reason for wanting to get there but is beaten to it by this "dumbass" who just went on the quest because they thought it would be "fun" and it gives them a really good reason to be in opposition with the protagonist. 


The Joy of Adventure is a really magical and wonderful motivation, but it is by no means the most profound. In fact, I'd argue its one of the least profound reasons. Everyone loves discovery and finding new places and new things. If you're just going somewhere because its neat, and you find something someone else has been in search of their whole life, its not profound. Its funny, but its not profound.


4: Adventurer Guilds
You called them Explorer Guilds earlier in the post -- given the theme of the game is exploration -- that is better. Stick with Explorer Guilds, sounds better and focuses your project more.


5: Is my Game is too Ambitious?


It might be. If its just you, I'd say it could be. Making games is hard, to get mine anywhere near complete I have needed to outsource a lot and I've done a lot of data-basing. But if this is something you are passionate about... you can do it. A simple story with great design can be fun and I feel that you are trying to tell a fun story. Just don't fall into the trap of cliches without being aware of it. And if you feel like your game is too big... it probably is.


Do you know how to write Acts, like in a play?


If not, look it up on Wikipedia or do a tutorial. It will help you a lot, when I was learning how to write screenplays for film and television it really helped me out... but I've also found it helped me a lot when planning out my game. You need a "Beginning" a "Middle" and an "End."


Its not has hard or daunting as it sounds. If you start by writing the skeleton of the story and then fill that in, it will help from things bloating and becoming overwhelming.


Remember, even a short game can be fun if it is well-written. And a finished short game is better than any project abandoned. I hope something I've said here has helped some... I am no expert by any measure... but I know the art of storycraft and the biggest key to making that work is being passionate about the story you want to tell.


All the best Bud.


~RetroBoy
 
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Oddball

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i think i finally crafted a mc i like. Though i understand shes not perfect and am open to feedback


Echinecea


she goes into most situations confidently, even if shes second guessing herself or feels scared but strategizes when she feels this way. Shes encouraging and empowering to other women. Shes empathetic to others but all she really wants is to retire from her bodygaurd and adventuring life and live life as a normal person do to stress, and has gotten to the point were she doesnt want to deal with other peoples crap, but always gets dragged back in anyway do to her strong empathy. Shes stubbron and a bit of a... you know what at times, but also extroverted, fun loving and easily depressed
 
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LightningLord2

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Having both likable and not likable traits help to make a character very relatable. Echinecea sounds pretty interesting and might try to do her quest so there's a way she can retire and live a more leisurely life (maybe detail a bit about what it entails) and not have to worry about raising threats. In many stories, it helps to have a 'foil' to the main character - someone who's primarily something the character is not. In her case, you can make a secondary character who could be a youngster who is very eager about adventure without understanding the meaning of why adventurers do these tasks to begin with.
 

MobileSuitSonic

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The Feudal Age began with the final collapse of the Veii Sultanate, brought on by debt, plague, and invasion. The former lands to this once-great empire started their own countries.


Over 1,200 years after the fall of Veii, a sorcerer named Vespion appeared. Claiming to be from another reality, he took over the kingdom of Itoi and began a war to dominate the world. Wherever his armies went, they brought with them Vespion's vision with their destructive wake: big hair, pastel clothing, synth music, and state ownership of everything.


Even though no army could stand up to his inhuman might, the legendary knight Tobias, his eight squires, and the mage Atlas were able to stood up to oppose the wizard-king. Despite Tobias' death in the climatic showdown, Vespion had been weakened. Unable to kill him, Atlas sealed the strange man inside of a strange metallic cylinder labelled "New Coke".


Atlas could foresee that their actions would be only a temporary solution, seeing that Vespion would escape his prison within 1,000 years. In the meantime, he reforged Tobias' sword into a stronger weapon: the Sword of Zelc. The blade was placed under a protective spell, waiting for the day the Chosen One would release it.


It is now 2229 of the Feudal Age. Vespion was released from his aluminum prison seven years ago...


Working on a comedy game that pokes at many ideas in the fantasy/RPG genre. For example:

  • The 99-of-one-item cap.
  • NPCs who are stuck in one place for the whole game and say the same thing over and over again.
  • Mute protagonists who just so happen to be the Chosen One.



The project itself was started five-to-six years ago, but was hampered by the limitations of what my copy of RPG Maker VX could do. I also had a bit of writers block when I got the town where you get your ship (fairly early in the game, I might add).


Even though I've cut my teeth on an earlier version, there's still much for me to get used to.


The game still has a LONG way to go before being finished.


Let me know what you think so far.
 

Stanley

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idea removed due to future spoiler
 
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Kyoku

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@Stanley Uh, wow that's a lot of stuff there. Just keep in mind that I SUCK at plot stuff, but maybe when the knights see the dude, they try and test him ( secretly maybe ) and try to see if he is ready to join them and stuff... They probably try and test him by fighting him or making a bunch of monsters kill him ( maybe they lured him by pretending they weren't the knights and instead an evil bad guy, so he didn't know it was them, PLOT TWIST ) Yeah, that's all I got...


I like your backstory by the way. It's really well thought out. My history is pretty much a bunch of blobbed mess!
 

Kes

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@MobileSuitSonic General Discussion is not for feedback on specific individual games, but more general topics.


Merging this with Plot and Character Feedback
 
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Stanley

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idea removed due to future spoiler
 
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LaFlibuste

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@Stanley Plot idea, based on what you've given us (feel free to disregard, I don't want to hijack your idea ;)  )

When Hel-something was struck down, his soul got broken into a hundred (or any other amount) shards. These shards got dispersed through the wind and merged with random individuals. At first, the hero might battle a corrupt individual at the head of the Rose Knights who was making believe the war was over and peace was a thing for the last 50 years, while in fact it is still going on behind the scenes. The final bad guy may be someone who was first touched by a shard and is hunting out other chosen ones to collect the shards for himself (and/or granting smaller ones to various influential people in order to corrupt them and bring them under his sway). This could be either to get more power to himself or the downright revive the evil being, whichever. As the hero progresses through the Rose Knights order, he notices that thigns are off, that there are seemingly random attacks and dreadful events all over the continent/world. He might even see a pattern to it. Maybe the Rose Knights were accomplices, even. In any event, he has to take down the corrupt head of the order. The plot then moves on to the big bad, yada yada yada. Plot twist: turns out the hero was so heroic and developed the powers and abilities he did because he himself is a chosen one of Hel-something, he carries a soul-shard within him, and this is in parts why the big-bad was chasing him all this time. How will he deal with this? Commit suicide? Relinquish his powers? Some sort of cleansing ceremony? Some 2-cents psycho-pop thing about accepting your own dark side? Yours to decide :)

This might more or less fit within a 3-5 hours game, though, because following the same character over the course of multiple games is going to break character progression. But hey, technical problems, you can deal with 'em later ;)
 
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