Narration would be a big plus, but yeah, I hear you on the equipment. If you're recording through an Xbox360 headset, maybe ask the community for someone to read your script?
It's worth noting, people don't tend to realize how good the microphones are on our phones. The mic's on most modern phones come through really clearly, the only downside is that they capture a really wide field; basically any noise you can hear, the phone's mic can hear. So distant traffic or yard work will be audible if you can hear it.
Get a thick blanket, go into a closet, set your phone down, hit record, try not to fidget too much. Job's good.
Yeah, I understand it's your first; I should have made that clear I understand why it's current iteration is the way it is. We all gotta start somewhere. So as a first time job, not bad. Also, not sure what the view count is at, but when I saw it was really good for a first video on a channel with 0 subs, so I'd say overall a positive start.
Just like with games - or really anything - let's learn from our past and make improvements for the future. I hope in a year's time you can look back at this first video and be like,"Oh god, what was I thinking!?!"