Script in the works

Harrumi

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I've never written a story before, but I do have one hell of an over active imagination. So I decided to give a go at actually writing out a story before designing the game to go with it.

Like I said, this is my first go, please be gentle.

Ever since I can remember, I've heard the stories of our ancestors.
A brave people, strong, and enduring.

Mystical Warriors with no fear, and a courage that carried our people.
In them, the land would not be threatened, and peace would reign.

..and Peace did reign... until now.

The world trees- responsible for holding the balance of light, and darkness...
are dying, and the world is slowly fading away into darkness.

No one knows why or how this is happening, but as a result chaos has ensued.

Even more worrisome now, is the sickness befalling my people...
Once energetic and Strong people, are now feeble and weak.

Brother- ___, ___! Come quick!
...It's Mom and Dad!

I can't remember the time it took for me to get there...
It felt like seconds.

Brother- ... are they going to die ____?

Actor 1 - Don't be stupid ____ ...
They're just sleeping...

-actor 1 starts exit-

Brother- Where are you going?..

Actor 1 - I need to think, you should stay with them.

I ran...
My whole world was crashing down on me, so much worry
and panic rolled into a sick and twisted ball.

I found my self at the monuments, where everyone pays
tribute to our great ancestors.

Actor 1 - LIARS!... -fricking LIARS!

Actor 1 - YOU! You're supposed to be here!
In times of chaos my ASS!

In that moment, I didn't realize what had just happened.
But my whole life was about to change...
 

Amenti

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I like what you have so far, keep it going. :)
 

Nightblade50

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Sounds cool B) keep it up.
 

Poryg

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Like I said, this is my first go, please be gentle.
No, we're not on a date :p

Anyway, it is too short for me to evaluate it. So the only thing I can say so far, there are many errors.
This colour - excess
This colour - grammar and other mistakes
This colour - weird things
Mystical Warriors with no fear, and a courage that carried our people.
In them, the land would not be threatened, and peace would reign.
The comma is excess, since and is a conjunction that connects two sentences without one.
The "a" is excess, because emotions are uncountable.
In them is very weird. What does it mean? Didn't you mean under their reign? Under their protection? Or in their eyes?

..and Peace did reign... until now.
I'm going to ignore the fact that "And" should be capitalised and "Until" too, since this can be a matter of writing style in a game. But I can't ignore peace, since in the previous sentence it is in lowercase.

The world trees- responsible for holding the balance of light, and darkness...
are dying, and the world is slowly fading away into darkness.
The world trees... Are they like particular trees beeing called like that? If not, it is a mistake and "Trees around the world" would be better.
A dash needs to be surrounded by empty space. "The world trees - responsible".
If you use a dash instead of a comma, you need to use a dash on the other end as well. "darkness - are dying"
Excess comma after dying.
Also, it is much better to use "light and dark" instead of "light and darkness", since you're using darkness in the followup sentence.

Even more worrisome now, is the sickness befalling my people...
Once energetic and Strong people, are now feeble and weak.
"Worrisome" is a negative trait of a person, it means someone who worries excessively. "Worrying" is correct.
Excess comma. It's unnecessary to separate two natural parts of the same sentence.
Sickness strikes and attacks. Death comes. Doom and curse befalls.
Strong - unnecessary capitalization
excess comma
It is much more common to use weak and feeble in the opposite order too.

I can't remember the time it took for me to get there...
It felt like seconds.
Unless it has not been seconds, this is irrelevant.

are they going to die ____?
When you want to call someone by any title, you need to separate by a comma. "to die, ___?" is correct. Even if the name is at the beginning, the same thing is true: "___, are they going to die?"

I need to think, you should stay with them.
Separate it into 2 sentences instead. In context to last sentences having it like this is unjustifiable. In order for it to be justifiable (although separating it into two sentences is just as correct), the second sentence needs to have connection to what has been said. For example:
"What are we going to do?"
"I'll gather some wood, you go find some food."
The question is concerning both you and me, so using a comma to connect you and me in one sentence is valid.
But if I had a question "What are you going to do?"
You have to use
"I'll gather some wood. You go find some food."
Because the question is only about you, you can't talk about me in the same sentence.
My whole world was crashing down on me, so much worry
and panic rolled into a sick and twisted ball.
Crumbling down on me, although maybe "Crumbling in front of my eyes" sounds even better (up to you here).
Worry is not uncountable. So much fear is possible, but not the best with following up panic. So many worries are also possible,
Due to using past continuous in the first sentence and not using something that is instanteous in terms of timeline and happened during the first sentence, using present simple is a mistake. Had rolled is correct. Or you could use "rolling" instead, which, given the fact that you connected these two sentences by a comma, makes much more sense here.
I found my self at the monuments, where everyone pays
tribute to our great ancestors.
Not my self, myself.
Also, depending on the timeline, "where everyone pays" might be wrong too. If the character is certain people don't do it anymore, "where everyone pays" is a mistake and should be replaced with "where everyone used to".

In that moment, I didn't realize what had just happened.
But my whole life was about to change...
His whole life had already been changing by the darkness rising, so it's very weird to use this. I can't offer a good replacement here though, since I know too little about the story.
 

Harrumi

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... Can I just keep you in my pocket?
 

Poryg

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As long as it's not one of the pockets located at the back side of your pants, sure, you can. Not sure if you have huge enough pockets though :p
 

Harrumi

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I get a shirt pocket so I Can hear you. ^_^
 

Poryg

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That is the place where I'm the most comfortable, close to girl's heart :kaoluv:
 

Harrumi

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Well, since It's going to take me awhile to write this, I hope your stay in my pocket is comfortable. I'll feed you, and give you water!! It'll be great!
 

Poryg

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Yay! Food, water and warm and comfortable shelter close to girl's heart! I'm the happiest Poryg in the world! :kaopride:
Hopefully you don't have a boyfriend, he might not like my presence there :kaoback:
 

Harrumi

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Lol I recently got married actually, but I need my pocket Poryg! He'll have to get over it real quick. Lmao!
 

Poryg

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So you don't have a boyfriend, you have a husband. Not sure whether I'm lucky or unlucky :p
 

Harrumi

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The world trees... Are they like particular trees beeing called like that? If not, it is a mistake and "Trees around the world" would be better.
A dash needs to be surrounded by empty space. "The world trees - responsible".
If you use a dash instead of a comma, you need to use a dash on the other end as well. "darkness - are dying"
Excess comma after dying.
Also, it is much better to use "light and dark" instead of "light and darkness", since you're using darkness in the followup sentence.
For this one i'm confused a bit. It's probably my bad because I didn't use capitols. I was using "-" to quickly end the thought on The world Trees, into an short explanation, then a continuation on the next line.

worrisome - causing anxiety or concern. (works)

I can't remember the time it took for me to get there...
It felt like seconds.

Unless it has not been seconds, this is irrelevant. (Not quite true, because it's representing a feeling or an emotion to help us build a connection with the character).
 
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Poryg

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Yeah, worrisome is my bad :D Sorry for it :p The knowledge that is disappearing from my head is worrisome too ;_;

Yup, if the World trees are World trees specifically, it's correct.
 

Harrumi

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ohhh and


In that moment, I didn't realize what had just happened.
But my whole life was about to change...

His whole life had already been changing by the darkness rising, so it's very weird to use this. I can't offer a good replacement here though, since I know too little about the story.

Since everyone if suffering the darkness together it's not quite a huge change per say, but what's going to happen next is. :)


... other then that does the story sound interesting enough?
 

Poryg

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We shall see :)
I will not judge whether the story is interesting enough based on a couple of sentences. I don't care about what they call "first impression" and I need enough to get that first impression :)
 

Harrumi

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You tease! lol

You best believe I'm going to be adding to this! You better be ready. !! <3
 

Poryg

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Look. It's like when you ask if the pie smells good before you even make the dough. Too soon for me to give answer.
 

Harrumi

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Any answer that involves pie is acceptable. /nod
 

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