Struggling with yourself

mishakoc

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I apologize beforehand for my personal ramblings but I need to get this out of my chest.

I've been in a really dark place for a while and feel like giving up entirely. I understand it is my own fault and the consequence of the decisions I've made throughout my life. I have never tried enough, postponed decisions because I wasn't thinking about the future and just did what was fun and easy. Then suddenly one day looking at myself in the mirror, the image of who I thought I was shattered and I saw the reality of being a completely useless person without any positive traits, skills goals, and aspirations in life. From then on, everything just spiraled down. Things that were supposed to be easy suddenly became too difficult and just thinking about doing things and not being able to was unbearable. Be it things that would help get me back on track or things that I enjoy. Like I was an empty husk. Like a dark fog clouded my mind, being unable to think rationally most of the time, just trying to survive each day.

Sometimes the cloud gets temporarily lifted and I start wondering, why is all that? I am just wondering whether I'm sabotaging myself on purpose or what. Do I want to be like that? I am not hoping for a happy life anymore, "hope" became a swear word in a way. Because that hope gets crushed again and again by having expectations I'm not able to meet and it's just more painful that way. Many times I'm trapped inside my head with the internal mean voice telling me everything that's wrong with me and it just goes on and on and on. I've been told to get help or talk to a therapist many times but deep down I realize that only I can help myself in the end. Only I can pull myself up from that deep pit but a lot of the times, I don't even know if I want to do that. I have no energy to do that and no reason to. I have lost interest in things I was the happiest doing back when everything was fine. I know not changing anything won't help. I know that, but even then, I don't care about myself enough to truly want that. I wish I could like myself enough to want to either get help or help myself. I wish I was someone I loved so that I wouldn't let myself shoot myself in the foot all the time.

Why is it so difficult? You wouldn't tell your friend they're useless and no matter what they do it is worthless anyway so why even try? You'd want them to succeed in life, enjoy things they loved before (like making games), take care of themselves. You wouldn't want them to torture themselves, right? So why is it that difficult to be kind to yourself, to fight for yourself?
 

Hyouryuu-Na

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Hey there, It's been a while. I'm so sorry you've been going through this. I can relate to your situation to some extent, the feeling of not liking yourself. I also made a post in the general lounge some time ago... it was about 'accepting yourself' cause I was having a hard time being happy with myself. It's gotten a bit better but it's always there somewhere in the background and I'm too afraid to encounter it again. Those times were hard but I got over it somehow. I don't know your situation and I don't really know what to say but please just know that everything will be okay. Everything turns out well eventually. And I agree with people saying you should talk to someone. Yes, in the end only you can help yourself but that person can help you do that. Please don't give up. Life is just a combination of challenges and hardships like a video game. You can't proceed unless you pull yourself together and overcome this. You can't stay stuck like this in one level forever. Don't make things hard for yourself. People make mistakes but people forgive too. It's hard but it's worth it. You know better now than you did before so definitely you won't make the same mistake twice. That's progress right there! You said you never tried enough but it's not too late to try again. I don't know much about you but from the interactions we've had in this forum, I think you're a great person! It's not hard to be kind to someone nice like you. If a stranger like me can like you just from brief interactions, why can't you like yourself? You're better than you think you are. Please pull yourself together and take care of yourself. I'm not great with words but I'm a great listener if I do say so myself. So if you need a complete stranger to listen to you, you can send me a message.
 

gstv87

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I'm gonna encode my actual response within this suggestion:
play Minecraft, and try to navigate the world.

simply *navigate*.... pick a direction, and just walk... you'll find a lot of ravines, mountains and obstacles in your way.
figure out how to elegantly chain solutions to those obstacles, and you'll see what I mean.
don't simply go around them.... don't simply go *through* them.... instead try going *over* and *across*.
once you figure out how to spot reference points, how to envision the path and how to build it and cross it, you'll understand.

you'll die a lot in the process, sometimes by missteps, sometimes by a stray arrow from a skeleton.
if you manage to walk 200 chunks without dying, you'll figure out what I mean.
everything else you pick up in the way, it's yours... and I don't mean loot.
 

AccolourChris

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It seems like you might have a slight form of depression, but it's also possible that your expectations might be a little too high. Have you attempted to do things in small doses and build from there? Before I started making games and trying to better myself I was a hopeless drunk who couldn't even get up long enough to make a grilled cheese. I only went to work to so I could continue to do what was ruining my life. At some point I ended up realizing that it wasn't what I wanted for myself and I started to move towards bettering myself, but I always knew that I would fail along the way. I made sure to keep all my goals on a weekly to bi-weekly basis and attempt to fulfill myself on the easier things rather than shooting for anything grand.

I did simply things like "Clean your dishes after you use them" or "Clean your room once a week". I learned I felt better about myself about achieving those minor things and it started to become a habit I could stick to. I moved up to things like "Write two sentences about a story" or "Finish one character" and overtime those little achievements drove me to want to do more and more with my life. From those I realized I could become better at what I do or achieve more with my life. I think a lot of people attempt to love themselves or fix themselves way too quickly, especially when they are in a terrible slump.

You have to readjust yourself slowly. Through small achievements and very little effort each week and each day you'll reclaim that love you have for yourself and your passion. You start reclaiming that drive you lost. On top of that remember you aren't alone. So many people go through this every day. Reach out to networks of people that are willing to keep you on track and you help them stay on that same track. You don't have to do anything alone, there are always people out there willing to help ^.^ I do hope you can reclaim yourself and if you ever need someone to talk to I'm always open! Though my responses may be slow...I'm bad at messaging xD
 
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Hey @mishakoc, I'm glad you decided to write about that. No need to apologize at all.
What you wrote resonates with me, because I used to feel very similar in the past.

It seems to me you might be experiencing a depressive episode.
Don't worry, you're not alone in that. It's not weird or uncommon, although you might be thinking that it's only you who are experiencing it, and everyone around looks and acts like they never have this sort of problems, they do. Many creatively-oriented people, well, scratch that - just many people in general - experience that. You might think that something is very wrong with you and you might judge yourself very harshly at the moment, but that to me is just... a very human thing to do.

When I say you judge yourself way too harshly, I mean thinking like this:
I saw the reality of being a completely useless person without any positive traits, skills goals, and aspirations in life.

Let me list some of your POSITIVE traits which I can tell just from your short post:

  • COURAGE. It took a good deal of courage to write a post like that.
  • ABILITY TO SELF-REFLECT (otherwise you wouldn't be able to spot that something's wrong; beleve me or not, there are many people who completely lack this inherently human, positive trait)
  • SENSITIVITY (see above, some people are so thick-skinned, they just stumble through life without having any second thoughts; what's more, the world needs sensitive people, although you probably won't hear that from the people on tv or the most popular youtubers).
  • GOOD WRITING. I think your post is well-writen. You're using metaphors and know what they mean. Some people might not like it or think that's too much, or whatever. I prefer people who aren't afraid to use them over people who mistake them for a kind of drug.
  • CREATIVITY. I'm not much of an Sherlock Holmes to deduct that, am I. Pretty much everyone on this forum is creatively inclined, and you, I'm afraid, are no exception.
  • I probably could list a couple more, but I'm tired and it's late when I'm writing this. I'm pretty sure people who know you better could add some good traits and skills you possess.

Now, it looks like we're trying to create a character class here ;) But in a way, we need to do just that. I mean, you need to.
What you're experiencing, all these feelings, the internal struggle, I see it as an essential part of life. You're in a process of building yourself, reworking yourself. Many people have to experience that, some more often than others.

Now:
Many times I'm trapped inside my head with the internal mean voice telling me everything that's wrong with me and it just goes on and on and on. I've been told to get help or talk to a therapist many times but deep down I realize that only I can help myself in the end. Only I can pull myself up from that deep pit but a lot of the times, I don't even know if I want to do that. I have no energy to do that and no reason to. I have lost interest in things I was the happiest doing back when everything was fine. I know not changing anything won't help. I know that, but even then, I don't care about myself enough to truly want that. I wish I could like myself enough to want to either get help or help myself. I wish I was someone I loved so that I wouldn't let myself shoot myself in the foot all the time.

I had to underline it because I also thought like that many years ago. I thought only I can pull myself up, because nobody *truly* knows me, so why should they have any clue what I feel and so on, even if they are some kind of a specialist. I thought I don't need professional help, and just need to 'man up', and wait until the storm goes away.

It's an illusion that too many people fall for. They think they can handle it all by themselves. If they really could, alcoholism and drug use (among other addictions) wouldn't be worldwide issues, and there would be no need for psychiatrists, psychologists or mental health science...
But you need to have tools for that, to build yourself some kind of a solid shelter to weather the storms better. I read your message as asking for help (and there's no a shame in that, quite the contrary, you should be proud of yourself).

The more tools you'd have at your disposal, the better.
It could be the medications (a professional therapist could prescribe). It could be the support from friends and family, or from a behavioural therapy group. It could be physical exercise or meditation. It could be work, and by that I don't mean 'get a job!', I mean finding yourself something to do, something that would take you from that passive state, out of the self-spiral of doubt and self-hate, and would get you going. It could be working on your game, any creative or not-very-creative activity really, painting miniature models, maybe you could look for something you've never done before - like learning a foreign language, reading books (yup I consider reading books a work too), or a dancing class (well, that's probably for after pandemy).

I think a good start could be to make a list of things you like and ask yourself, 'why do I like that?'. Why do you react to that movie or this particular song or game. There's so many things out there to discover, so many things you could potentially be interested about. Many of those things you will find beyond your comfort zone.

Now, about motivation/procrastination. That's such a huge topic.
Some people have it easier than others. You and me, and many other creative people have to work hard for that, to keep up the flame, to keep your wheels going, to finish a project, sometimes even little things seem complicated or borderline impossible to do. We might set goals for ourselves but very often get lost on our path to achieve them.
That's why we need to actively search for tools, again. A waterproof tent and a sleeping bag won't do, even a company of trusty friends - we need a compass and a road map as well - to know the position you're in, set the destination, identify your route towards it, the milestones etc.

I see that you're being very hard on yourself. You put yourself (or are being put) under a lot of stress. One advice I'd like you to put into use, is to go easier on yourself. I know, easy to say. But you have to trust me here, and try to learn that. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Allow yourself to learn from your mistakes. Don't give up, don't let youself back into that spiral, keep working on your behaviour, keep bettering yourself.
Start taking care of yoursef - that means your body and even more importantly, your mind. You have to learn mental hygiene.

Here's where I feel the need to repeat myself: you should start actively asking for help. Your message is the first step, now do the next one, and the next one after that, and keep asking and actively looking for help, until you'll receive it.
You can't do it on your own. Again, it's a common illusion that one man - or a woman - can do it all on his/her own. It's some Hollywood, Die Hard Rambo-style BS. It may even work in a platformer game, but not in real life. I've been there, tried the Die Hard Rambo approach, failed time and again, wasted too much time trying to do it on my own. No man (or a woman) is an island. It often requires another person to look at the things from a distance and see what they really are, what you're looking from up close is too distorted and lack any objectivity at the moment (like your inability to see your good traits). You see the vices but are unable to see the good sides. You need a specialist to help you push through and learn how to focus on seeing the whole picture, including the positive sides. Even a game developer needs a feedback, an outside perspective to improve his game, to make a progress.

So please don't waste time on inactivity, break out of that self spiralling circle, because you deserve it, simple as that. Start making calls. Get in touch with the therapist. Make yourself a safety net - which is something almost everyone use, just not many people call it like that - make a list of people you can count on, who are somewhat close to you, who are near you. If there's not a lot of them, that's something you should start working on too. You could make a list of things that make you feel better, things you like. Maybe there are also things that you would like to try, but never did.

And don't get discouraged, it can be very hard at times and mistakes will be made, but life is just about that, making mistakes, falling, getting up and going in your own direction, getting confused, losing track, then getting up again, and walking on. The sooner you will start making steps on your road to recovery, the better.



A side note. Happiness IMHO is an overrated term, it's a state that happens rarely, and so unevenly, to some may happen very often, to others almost never. And I think very often people who are happy don't realise it until their state changes for worse, and then they reflect about some memories from the past as 'happy moments'.
These days, being content is the new happy for me. I don't feel like I need to search for happiness anymore.
 
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Stimulantfound

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Waking up in the morning with a fresh cup of coffee, and playing some classic games has helped me through a lot of times when I was feeling sad. :smile:

Working a job to help others can be rewarding . . . I'm a housewife, but I have no children of my own, so I babysit on occasion, and it helps me feel useful.
 
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Mythmaker19

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hey, mishakoc, you're not alone. I'm bi-polar and manic depressive, so I definitely know how you're feeling and quite often life is just honestly overwhelming.

I implore you to remember this, because it's helped me immensely: "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly, because doing it poorly is better than not doing it at all." this applies to literally everything.

I know I'm not really helping much here, but if you ever need anyone to talk to, please, let me know. I know what it's like to feel like you're at the end of your rope with no one to talk to and I don't wish that on anyone.

and never forget that no matter what your brain tells you, you are not useless, you are not alone, and you deserve to feel loved.
 

Ailius

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Lots of people are in a similar situation. Normal societies used to value making families and upholding traditions. Now the same institutional forces, which are just as authoritarian as the old institutions, want to make us into a collection of corporate or government drones with no allegiances, communities, and purpose.

The fundamental reason you're feeling bad is because you are a human being, not a Borg drone. You aren't built to be a machine which sacrifices everything for the good of the Collective.

My experience with mental health providers is they can't help because they have been corrupted. Maybe if you got the spare money for a good one, it can work.


Step 1 in breaking the malaise is channeling a fundamental emotion. You need strong emotions to be the fuel which drives you forward. The traditional answer was to start with faith, transition to hope, and then run your life on love. But that doesn't work in the modern day because faith is no longer rewarded. For the modern person? If nothing else I suggest finding something you hate and using that as your motivator. It's what you're left with when you have nothing else. The trick with channeling hate is you need to use it in short controlled bursts or it'll burn through all your energy at once.

Step 2 is: I'll tell you when I figure it out. This is kind of a case of the blind leading the blind here.
 

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