twosnakes

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Inspired by the cringe dialogue thread, I created this post so we could collectively help each other improve some lines and get constructive feedback. I'll start:

"Look at me man! My hands shake, I...I can't focus. I can't go out there anymore. I'd get myself killed... or worse someone else."

Context: ptsd survivor refusing to help the group scavenge for supplies.

Too wordy? Not sure I feel about the "..." and built in stuttering.
 

Kenen

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I don't think it's too wordy. I'd tweak the punctuation and maybe break the sentence up:

"Look at me, man! My hands are shaking. I can't focus.

I can't go out there anymore. I'd get myself killed–or worse, someone else."

You can also use the built-in message text wait commands to add a set frame wait after certain punctuation points for emphasis, if you wanted to. For example, after the em dash to add emphasis and weight to "someone else."
 

Tai_MT

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Eh, I'll bite. Just for fun.

"Look at me, man! My hands are shaking! I will get myself killed if I go out there! Or, worse, someone else..."

I am not sure the tone you really want to convey here, so I sort of just inserted my own. Namely, the person is manic, in a panic, facing complete and utter terror. Then, the realization that they might get someone killed who is counting on them when they can't be counted on. I thought the "I can't focus" portion was a bit redundant if we were going for "nearly a panic attack". You could probably emphasize the mood with animations between the sentences (or during them if you feel pretty slick in the maker).

I'll add my own for critique just for fun.

Context
The party is in an Inn. One of the attractions is a girl dressed like a bunny that is dancing for patrons. The conversation is between the main character and his wife. It happens as the player walks up to the chair facing the stage. It is the second interaction with the event (of 3). I feel like the dialogue is appropriate for the way their relationship works and their mutual respect for each other. But, it feels a little "unnatural", I guess for me? I don't know a lot people in relationships that talk like they do (I guess Morticia and Gomez Addams are the inspiration for their interactions together. Or are the closest equivalent that anyone might understand).

Selece
Can't stop watching?
Alex
This is the first time I've seen them dressed as a bunny. I wonder if it's to appeal to those who find Elves attractive.
Selece
Do you?
Alex
Attractive people are always attractive to everyone.
Selece
That doesn't answer the question.
Alex
The bunny attire doesn't do anything for me.
Selece
So, you're staring at this girl instead of me?
Alex
I stare at you all the time. It's nice to appreciate beauty on someone else from time to time.
Selece
I can't disagree. You're not the only man I've "appreciated the beauty" of, either.
 

twosnakes

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Eh, I'll bite. Just for fun.

"Look at me, man! My hands are shaking! I will get myself killed if I go out there! Or, worse, someone else..."

I am not sure the tone you really want to convey here, so I sort of just inserted my own. Namely, the person is manic, in a panic, facing complete and utter terror. Then, the realization that they might get someone killed who is counting on them when they can't be counted on. I thought the "I can't focus" portion was a bit redundant if we were going for "nearly a panic attack". You could probably emphasize the mood with animations between the sentences (or during them if you feel pretty slick in the maker).

I'll add my own for critique just for fun.

Context
The party is in an Inn. One of the attractions is a girl dressed like a bunny that is dancing for patrons. The conversation is between the main character and his wife. It happens as the player walks up to the chair facing the stage. It is the second interaction with the event (of 3). I feel like the dialogue is appropriate for the way their relationship works and their mutual respect for each other. But, it feels a little "unnatural", I guess for me? I don't know a lot people in relationships that talk like they do (I guess Morticia and Gomez Addams are the inspiration for their interactions together. Or are the closest equivalent that anyone might understand).

Selece
Can't stop watching?
Alex
This is the first time I've seen them dressed as a bunny. I wonder if it's to appeal to those who find Elves attractive.
Selece
Do you?
Alex
Attractive people are always attractive to everyone.
Selece
That doesn't answer the question.
Alex
The bunny attire doesn't do anything for me.
Selece
So, you're staring at this girl instead of me?
Alex
I stare at you all the time. It's nice to appreciate beauty on someone else from time to time.
Selece
I can't disagree. You're not the only man I've "appreciated the beauty" of, either.
I think since it doesn't advance the plot it can be shortened. Maybe combine the first couple lines.

Selece: What a beautiful girl. Can't take your eyes off her? Is it the bunny attire?

In my head, saying "her" instead of "this girl" reads better.

Selece: So, your staring at her instead of me?

The last two lines seem malicious or bitter? Is there tension between alex and selece?
 

Tai_MT

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They're meant to come off as a "malicious jab" to some extent. An admission that, "You aren't wrong, but I still don't appreciate it". Though, their relationship is fairly complicated once you get passed the fundamental parts of it.

Their dynamic is one of equals and they "banter" a bit. It's typically "in good fun" and no malicious intent is usually behind the words. Just gentle reminders of "This is how I feel, so please be considerate" between them.

Put simply, the "conversation behind the conversation" is meant to read like this:

"I'm more curious about the dancer than attracted to her. So, don't worry so much." With the response being, "I know you're a guy, are you sure you don't find her more attractive than I am?". And his retort is basically, "I just find her to be a different kind of attractive, not better." Then, Selece drops it by effectively saying, "Okay, I get it. I've done the same thing, but I still don't like it."
 

twosnakes

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They're meant to come off as a "malicious jab" to some extent. An admission that, "You aren't wrong, but I still don't appreciate it". Though, their relationship is fairly complicated once you get passed the fundamental parts of it.

Their dynamic is one of equals and they "banter" a bit. It's typically "in good fun" and no malicious intent is usually behind the words. Just gentle reminders of "This is how I feel, so please be considerate" between them.

Put simply, the "conversation behind the conversation" is meant to read like this:

"I'm more curious about the dancer than attracted to her. So, don't worry so much." With the response being, "I know you're a guy, are you sure you don't find her more attractive than I am?". And his retort is basically, "I just find her to be a different kind of attractive, not better." Then, Selece drops it by effectively saying, "Okay, I get it. I've done the same thing, but I still don't like it."
Just reading the dialogue as is,I think it's hard to discern the intended conversation behind the conversation. Perhaps more direct wording would be beneficial. That being said, we don't have the previous banter and character development that would make it more obvious.
 

Julijewels

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Keep in mind that this is just an incredibly rough version of conversation as it's the first lines that I've actually put into this game. Pretty much you die in intro cutscene in the ocean and this guy catches you from an island in the clouds.

This is strictly feeler placeholder text that will most likely be 90% changed, including the name of the character which is also placeholder based on what he looks like.


1653888684609.png
1653888697572.png
1653888708547.png
1653888793319.png
 

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