The quickest proofreading you'll ever do.

[Tw0Face]

Hi, guys.

I made some descriptions for items, buildings and so on that appear in my game. I would be glad if some of you could spare a couple of minutes to check if everything fits grammatically. Feel free to post suggestions to me if anything sounds broken or so. It's mainly about the correct use of language. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Maybe the descriptions, if they're good, will even give you an idea on how the game works.

Thanks in advance.

Spoiler: Descriptions

1. Empty slot description:

This is an empty building ground. A Sawmill can be built upon here.

2. When building is in possession:

This is your Quarry. It allows you to train Villagers into Stonemasons.

3. Places where resources can be found:

Place 1: This place offers a good opportunity to forge iron ore into Iron.
Place 2: This place is rich in raw materials. A lot of Lumber can be processed here.
Place 3: This place is rich in raw materials. A lot of Stone can be refined here.
Place 4: This place is rich in raw materials. A lot of Vegetables can be harvested here.
Place 5: This place is rich in raw materials. A lot of Ore can be mined here.

 

[Aoi Ninami]

"A iron ingot" should be "An iron ingot".

Building descriptions: instead of "Allows to train", either "Allows you to train" or "Allows training" or "Can be used to train".

Everything else looks okay.

 

[Tw0Face]

@Aoi Ninami: Thanks a lot.

 

[Kes]

General Discussion is not for feedback on specific individual projects but for broad themes relating to the making of games.

[move]Game Ideas and Prototypes[/move]

 

[Tw0Face]

@Kes: Thanks for moving the topic to the right subforum.

 

[Finnuval]

Only two suggestions outside of what @Aoi Ninami mentuoned :

Villagers : Potential worker for your settlement. Must be trained for a specific task to be of use.

Anything Else : a (common/luxury/essential) good sold at your markets.

 

[Tw0Face]

@Finnuval: I like your idea of describing the Villagers. Thanks.

@Aoi Ninami: I have one question left. Which one is most correct? 1. "Allows training XX into YY." 2. "Allows training of XX into YY." 3. "Allows the training of XX into YY."

 

[Wavelength]

My corrections and comments in-line with your descriptions. Additions in green; deletions in red; commentary in orange.

Spoiler: Descriptions

1. Resources:

Ore: A piece of iron ore used by blacksmiths to forge Iron. Can be used as a building material.
Iron: An iron ingot made from refining iron ore. Can be used as a building material.
Stone: A hard and solid substance found in the ground. Can be used as a building material. If it's hard, we know it's solid.
Lumber: A material which forms Comes from tree trunks and branches of trees. Can be used as a building material.
Vegetables: Plants such as cabbages, potatoes, and onions. Used to train Villagers into Workers.

2. Buildings:

Farmhouse: Allows you to train Villagers into Farmers. "Allows to train" is bad grammar - we need an Object to follow 'allows'. I recommend 'you', but any object can be used there.
Sawmill: Allows you to train Villagers into Lumberjacks.
Quarry: Allows you to train Villagers into Stonemasons.
Ore Mine: Allows you to train Villagers into Miners.
Refinery: Allows you to train Villagers into Blacksmiths.

3. Workers:
Note: It's fine to say "Requirements" if any workers have more than one Requirement to use. However, if all workers in your game have only one requirement, say "Requirement" rather than "Requirements".
Farmers: A single Farmer can harvest 1 Vegetables per day. Requirements: Farmhouse. Modifier-Noun agreement. 1 Vegetable; 2 Vegetables.
Lumberjacks: A single Lumberjack can process 1 Lumber per day. Requirements: Sawmill.
Stonemasons: A single Stonemason can refine 1 Stone per day. Requirements: Quarry.
Miners: A single Miner can mine 1 Ore per day. Requirements: Ore Mine.
Blacksmiths: A single Blacksmith can forge 1 Iron per day. Requirements: Refinery.
Villagers: The Villagers of your settlement must be trained as workers in order to serve any purpose. Alternate suggestion: The Villagers of your settlement must be trained as workers before they can produce resources.

4. Tools:

Axe: A hefty axe with a sharp steel blade. Used by Lumberjacks to process Lumber.
Hammer: A light hammer with a steel mallet. Used by Stonemasons to refine Stone.
Sickle: A common sickle with a short handle and a curved blade. Used by Farmers to harvest Vegetables.
Pickaxe: A tool with a long wooden handle and a sharp, curved metal barhead. Used by Miners to mine Ore.

5. Misc:

Anything else: A resource commonly sold at markets. Note: "Anything Else" is a very strange name for an item!! Possible suggestions to rename it include "Miscellaneous Item", "Sundry", or "Trade Goods".

 

[Tw0Face]

@Wavelength: That's exactly what I was looking for. Thank you very much.

I consider this as solved for now. Anyway, I'll keep this thread open as there may be more small descriptions to check in future.

 

[Aoi Ninami]

@Wavelength I deliberately left "1 Vegetables" as-is because in RPGs, one commonly sees things like this as shorthand for 1 unit of Vegetables -- for instance if the Vegetables is an item, then when you go into the item menu you might have something like "5x Potion, 7x Ether, 1x Vegetables".

"1 Vegetable" would mean a single potato, onion or whatever, and I just don't think that was the intended meaning here.

 

[Wavelength]

@Wavelength I deliberately left "1 Vegetables" as-is because in RPGs, one commonly sees things like this as shorthand for 1 unit of Vegetables -- for instance if the Vegetables is an item, then when you go into the item menu you might have something like "5x Potion, 7x Ether, 1x Vegetables".

"1 Vegetable" would mean a single potato, onion or whatever, and I just don't think that was the intended meaning here.

On an interface, sure - but not in a description, where it's going to sound very awkward.
(And I lightheartedly say let's think of it as "1 Vegetable Unit" )

 

[Tw0Face]

This thread is so helpful. Thanks so far.

I got a few more descriptions especially for buildings and places where resources can be found. Some of these descriptions I made sound a bit dull to me. Please tell me if you would leave it that way or, if not, make suggestions on how to write it better. Thank you guys.

Spoiler: Descriptions

1. Empty slot description:

This is an empty building ground. A Sawmill can be built upon here.

2. When building is in possession:

This is your Quarry. It allows you to train Villagers into Stonemasons.

3. Places where resources can be found:

Place 1: This place offers a good opportunity to forge iron ore into Iron.
Place 2: This place is rich in raw materials. A lot of Lumber can be processed here.
Place 3: This place is rich in raw materials. A lot of Stone can be refined here.
Place 4: This place is rich in raw materials. A lot of Vegetables can be harvested here.
Place 5: This place is rich in raw materials. A lot of Ore can be mined here.

 

[Wavelength]

Here are the rewrites I would recommend, shown in bold:

Spoiler: Descriptions

1. Empty slot description:

An empty plot of land. You can build a Sawmill here.

2. When building is in possession:

This Quarry allows you to train Villagers into Stonemasons. This gets the point across nicely, but if you really want more flavor, you can add a detail about the sights, sounds, or happenings that take place at the Quarry. Using the Ore Mine as an example - "The Miners all agree that the din and dust of the Mine build character. This Mine allows you to train Villagers into Miners." However, I would recommend the simple, short form over the more detailed one, because it is conveying crucial information that the player will want to understand in an instant.

3. Places where resources can be found: General note: there seems to be a bit of confusion between the places you gather a material (such as Stone) and the places you refine them into useful materials. I am assuming you are kind of combining the process into a single location, so I'm being very loose with my terminology. If you have a separate place for gathering a material and refining it, then we should do another rewrite.

Place 1: This Mountain's climate is ideal for the refining process. You can refine Iron Ore into Iron here. Choose Mountain, Desert, Bluff, or whatever - the important thing, in my opinion, is that you give it the name of some geographical feature, so that the player can see it on the map and immediately know what you can do there. Also note that "forging" can only be done with the completed Iron - for example, you can forge Iron into a Sword, but turning ore into a metal is known as "refining".
Place 2: This Forest is full of mature trees. You can process a lot of Lumber here. For ALL places: if you can process less Lumber in other areas, this is the rewrite you want. But if this is the only place you can process Lumber, then remove the phrase "a lot of", which is unnecessary.
Place 3: This Pit offers useful building materials. You can refine a lot of Stone here.
Place 4: These Fields have produced ripe crops. You can harvest a lot of Vegetables here. Alternative: "This Farmland has produced...."
Place 5: This Vein teases a hidden bounty of minerals. You can mine a lot of Ore here.

 

[Tw0Face]

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm very glad about that.

General note: there seems to be a bit of confusion between the places you gather a material (such as Stone) and the places you refine them into useful materials. I am assuming you are kind of combining the process into a single location, so I'm being very loose with my terminology.

To make it a bit clearer, in my game, a building such as a Quarry is used only for training Villagers into workers (Stonemasons). The Stone itself is mined by these guys in nearby areas. So there's one Event just for training purpose (Quarry) and another Event for mining the appropriate resource (in case Stonemasons and a Quarry are both present).

 

[TheOneEyedOne]

You should specify if it's Iron Bars that are being made but I would find this information helpful. ^_^

 

[Tw0Face]

"The Miners all agree that the din and dust of the Mine build character.

@Wavelength: Do you have more ideas like this for the other buildings? I kinda like this.

You should specify if it's Iron Bars that are being made but I would find this information helpful. ^_^

Thanks, I will.

 

[Tw0Face]

Have a few more sentences containing lore. It's a quest where you have to build a watchtower to get support from another kingdom.

Spoiler: Text

Scout: "Milord, I'm pleased to bring good news. The independent Fort of Nomerin has agreed to support us by making parts of their military units available to us. Come see me again as soon as we have a Watchtower."

Scout: "Milord, now that we have a Watchtower, we're ready to chase the enemies out of
the land. You should head to Fort Nomerin and ask for their assistance."

Fort Nomerin: "Milord, we're honored that you have come to see us. As previously stated, we'll join you in battle. Allow us to bolster your army by providing you with some of our best soldiers. These are very loyal and war experienced men. They will be of great service to you."

Anyone able to help me make proper sentences out of these? These are important for the further progress of the story.

Hope it's okay to spam my questions about writing here from now and then.

 

[Soryuju]

Here are some revisions which you could try out! I've marked a couple parts of the text where the specific context of your game matters, and you can fill these sections in however it's appropriate.

Spoiler: Revised Text

#1

Original:
Scout: "Milord, I'm pleased to bring good news. The independent Fort of Nomerin has agreed to support us by making parts of their military units available to us. Come see me again as soon as we have a Watchtower."

Revision:
Scout: "Milord, I bring good news: the independent Fort of Nomerin has agreed to send us reinforcements. Come see me again as soon as we've finished building a Watchtower."


#2

Original:
Scout: "Milord, now that we have a Watchtower, we're ready to chase the enemies out of
the land. You should head to Fort Nomerin and ask for their assistance."

Revision:
Scout: "Milord, now that we have a Watchtower, we're ready to drive our foes* from this land. You should head to Fort Nomerin and ask for their assistance."


* Who are their foes? Are they a singular group/people/race (e.g. the bandits, the Vikings, the demons, etc.)? If so, you might want to use their name here instead of "the enemies" or "our foes."


#3

Original:
Fort Nomerin: "Milord, we're honored that you have come to see us. As previously stated, we'll join you in battle. Allow us to bolster your army by providing you with some of our best soldiers. These are very loyal and war experienced men. They will be of great service to you."

Revision:
Fort Nomerin: "Milord, we are honored by your presence. As promised, we will send our finest warriors to join you on the field. May they serve you well.*"


* It might be nice to mention the enemies by name again here. So instead of just writing "May they serve you well," like I wrote above, you might also consider something like "May they serve you well in the battle against the [GROUP NAME]."

All in all, these changes mostly come down to reducing wordiness and making the individual lines a little more punchy. Let me know if you need more in-depth feedback on any of these lines, or if you don't understand why I made some of these changes, and I'll be happy to go into more detail. Hope this helps!

 

[Tw0Face]

@Soryuju That's pretty much perfect! Thanks a lot.

 

[Tw0Face]

I was trying to write an ending for my game. It should be in the form of pictures or scrolling text. After that text, the game is over. But I'm not so good at writing it in an epic style and I'm not sure if it sounds completely natural. (I think it's garbage by now xD)

The text should give the player a good feeling at the end, like "Yes, I did it! This was ME!" Hard to explain... You may also rewrite it completely, add things, etc. I'm curious how good this one can become. Thanks for your help.

Spoiler: Ending

"With one last and final blow, the armies of Traventor, led by the great king, finally succeeded in wiping out the last great enemy army. Strengthened and untamed, the kingdom defended the capital from further invaders. Little by little, the soldiers succeeded in driving out the last orcs and dwarves who had once torn the land from under their noses. The orcs retreated into the mountains and the dwarves finally left the island. Since the great invasion, barbarians have also been sighted very rarely. Since the power of dark magic was no longer strong on the island, the last undead and other magical creatures that threatened the people were finally wiped out. The economy flourished again and life returned to normal. Port Traventor once again became a safe island where harmony reigns. Under the merciful guidance of a great king."