The reworked plot for a reimaging of my first comic book

Kazuki

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I decided i would rework the plot of my first graphic novel "The Osana Empire: The Rebellion": http://takamurart.deviantart.com/gallery/30802088

Here's the plot summary for the new one

The Osana Empire seeks the power of Osana’s Tears. This valuable resource has revolutionized the world of medicine and gave the world cleaner fuel. However in recent years the empire has become more cruel and unusual.

  

    It is the job of the Osana Imperial Resistance(OIR) to stop the empire’s violence towards people who won’t comply. Sanoir, a brave and kind(OIR) member will join the Osana Imperial Army as a double agent  to take out the empire from inside.

Here's basically what will happen in the first book

Chapter 1

Sanoir(protagonist) is requested by the OIR leader(Takamura)

She briefs him on a mission he has to do, infiltrate the ranks of OE army and destroy it from the inside

The leader believe this method will lead to less casualities

Sanoir complies, believes it is for the good of their nation

A couple hours later Sanoir arrives at the Central Osana City Training Grounds

He then hands in his resume  and he goes to the training hall to be tested

In the training hall they are greeted by the recruitment officer who states that their will process of elimination.

There are 20 recruits and 10 spots

The 10 pairs of recruit spar , Sanoir wins against his oppenent

They are not official recruits in the OIA, the instructor tells the new recruits that they will have obstacle course ready  for them to gauge different skills

Chapter 2

The recruits sleep at the training grounds

During the night Sanoir contacts Takamura in the woods so no one can hear him. He tells her he got in

Once he finishes his call he returns to the barracks to go back to sleep

The next morning Sanoir is tired for waking up late at night

The instructor quickly catches him yawning, he asks him “Are you tired from staying up all night?”

He responses by saying the excitement of these drills kept him awake.

The instructor told him to drop and do 20 push ups

Later that day  the recruits ran through the obstacle courses, these tested. The courses testes speed, endurance, the ability to follow instructions and teamwork

Did a decent job on most of the courses but did his best in a teamwork  course

Chapter 3

It was test for their first simulated field mission

The 10 recruits were divided into two teams to capture each others flag

Many people don’t share his enthusiasm but they play with him anyway

Sanoir’s team wins, his team commended his leadership, but he said, “A leader is nothing without his comrades

 

Chapter 4

A week later, during morning role call all the recruits were gathered and when the instructor didn’t show up it started to raise a couple eyebrows

Suddenly they heard  the instructor yelling at someone

They realize it was a  OIR member hassling the instructor

Then they shot him a futuristic automatic weapon

The other recruits tried to go after the assailant because it is they swore duty as soldiers of the empire to protect ans/or avenge their superiors

However, the assailant shot them down.

Sanoir was shocked but the person didn’t shoot at him

He told Takamura what happened and she told him to pursue  because he may cause unnecessary casualities his weapon is in a contraction pod (stores stuff in a smaller easy to carry pod)

Once he is properly equipped he heads after the assailant  they fled

Chapter 5

When he caught up with the assailant  he did this because Takamura’s plan was going to be too slow

Sanoir questioned how did he know since that matter was discussed I private

They said they overheard the details  so they decided to attack anyone about to join the OIA

Sanoir was angry with him stating he killed those people in cold blood but the person responded they were going to cause this nation more grief

Upset with his answer Sanoir took his sheathed sword off his waist and drew the sword and told them, “ if you are going to go around and kill anyone you believe will be a part of the OE you are going to have to fight me”

The two started to fight, the assailant wanted Sanoir out of the way so they could continue wreaking havoc on the training grounds.

At the climax of the fight the assailant became desperate and wanted to kill anyone associating themselves with the empire. took out a giant bottle of OT and drank

The assailant transformed into a monster

It tried to strike Sanoir by a mysterious blocked it’s attack

She states that you shouldn’t be taking out ugly beasts by yourself.

 

I plan to just simply name this "The Osana Empire"

Tell me what you think about this new version
 
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Kazuki

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I decided i would rework the plot of my first graphic novel "The Osana Empire: The Rebellion": http://takamurart.deviantart.com/gallery/30802088

Here's the plot summary for the new one

The Osana Empire seeks the power of Osana’s Tears. This valuable resource has revolutionized the world of medicine and gave the world cleaner fuel. However in recent years the empire has become more cruel and unusual.

  

    It is the job of the Osana Imperial Resistance(OIR) to stop the empire’s violence towards people who won’t comply. Sanoir, a brave and kind(OIR) member will join the Osana Imperial Army as a double agent  to take out the empire from inside.

Here's basically what will happen in the first book

Chapter 1

Sanoir(protagonist) is requested by the OIR leader(Takamura)

She briefs him on a mission he has to do, infiltrate the ranks of OE army and destroy it from the inside

The leader believe this method will lead to less casualities

Sanoir complies, believes it is for the good of their nation

A couple hours later Sanoir arrives at the Central Osana City Training Grounds

He then hands in his resume  and he goes to the training hall to be tested

In the training hall they are greeted by the recruitment officer who states that their will process of elimination.

There are 20 recruits and 10 spots

The 10 pairs of recruit spar , Sanoir wins against his oppenent

They are not official recruits in the OIA, the instructor tells the new recruits that they will have obstacle course ready  for them to gauge different skills

Chapter 2

The recruits sleep at the training grounds

During the night Sanoir contacts Takamura in the woods so no one can hear him. He tells her he got in

Once he finishes his call he returns to the barracks to go back to sleep

The next morning Sanoir is tired for waking up late at night

The instructor quickly catches him yawning, he asks him “Are you tired from staying up all night?”

He responses by saying the excitement of these drills kept him awake.

The instructor told him to drop and do 20 push ups

Later that day  the recruits ran through the obstacle courses, these tested. The courses testes speed, endurance, the ability to follow instructions and teamwork

Did a decent job on most of the courses but did his best in a teamwork  course

Chapter 3

It was test for their first simulated field mission

The 10 recruits were divided into two teams to capture each others flag

Many people don’t share his enthusiasm but they play with him anyway

Sanoir’s team wins, his team commended his leadership, but he said, “A leader is nothing without his comrades

 

Chapter 4

A week later, during morning role call all the recruits were gathered and when the instructor didn’t show up it started to raise a couple eyebrows

Suddenly they heard  the instructor yelling at someone

They realize it was a  OIR member hassling the instructor

Then they shot him a futuristic automatic weapon

The other recruits tried to go after the assailant because it is they swore duty as soldiers of the empire to protect ans/or avenge their superiors

However, the assailant shot them down.

Sanoir was shocked but the person didn’t shoot at him

He told Takamura what happened and she told him to pursue  because he may cause unnecessary casualities his weapon is in a contraction pod (stores stuff in a smaller easy to carry pod)

Once he is properly equipped he heads after the assailant  they fled

Chapter 5

When he caught up with the assailant  he did this because Takamura’s plan was going to be too slow

Sanoir questioned how did he know since that matter was discussed I private

They said they overheard the details  so they decided to attack anyone about to join the OIA

Sanoir was angry with him stating he killed those people in cold blood but the person responded they were going to cause this nation more grief

Upset with his answer Sanoir took his sheathed sword off his waist and drew the sword and told them, “ if you are going to go around and kill anyone you believe will be a part of the OE you are going to have to fight me”

The two started to fight, the assailant wanted Sanoir out of the way so they could continue wreaking havoc on the training grounds.

At the climax of the fight the assailant became desperate and wanted to kill anyone associating themselves with the empire. took out a giant bottle of OT and drank

The assailant transformed into a monster

It tried to strike Sanoir by a mysterious blocked it’s attack

She states that you shouldn’t be taking out ugly beasts by yourself.

 

I plan to just simply name this "The Osana Empire"

Tell me what you think about this new version

 

I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions to make chapter 3 and 4 more action pack because the first book for any story defines how the rest of the series is going to be like.
 

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Hey man, why don't you do some progress on your game? Oh, because you'd rather wake up at 5am and spend the night making a cosmetics system for your side view battlers? Ok.
spillycup wrote on Finnuval's profile.
i love u so much! i’m so happy you’re in my life right now :kaocry:
To my horror, I found out I got zero Jack Vance books in my bookshelf! :kaoback: Where do y'all go in the internet to buy used books? Like, not Amazon?
Marquise* wrote on Mrs_Allykat's profile.
Your new logo is sooooo attractive! Feels like those sour liquid candy mixed with the wrapping of the popping candy rocks ones. ^^ It gives flavor and taste to our eyes. ^^
Sorry I couldn't comment before, I relogged here for someone's B-Day yesterday. ((Yeah yeah... been scared got on the throne and all as usual. Being social seems harder than walking now. So sorry to everyone and especially you.))
How goes the game make?

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