What are the best/worst puns you've ever heard?

[Lorenze]

Face it, there's always at least ONE pun that's actually pretty funny. (I think all of 'em are since I LOVE puns)

Anyway, what the best/worst ones you've ever heard? I've got a few.

• How does Moses make his coffee? HeBREWS it! (What, you didn't like that? Jew gotta be kidding me.)
• I asked a frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.
• Seriously, hispanic and black jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!
• No matter how much you push a piece of paper, it's always stationary.
• What did Zelda say to Link when he had trouble opening a door? "Try force!"
• What do you call a 16-year old who's been crushed by a piano? A flat minor!

...I'm just gonna go back in my corner now kthx

 

[Quigon]

Venison's dear isn't it?

 

[Touchfuzzy]

This is a quote from the rmvx.net irc a long time ago. though they cut out the beginning of the joke:

(Beginning goes like this: So there is this small village back in the middle ages, and these monks show up and want to move into the town. So they think. well why not. We are a small little village, no reason to turn people away)

<~Touchfuzzy> and monks aren't bad folk
<~Touchfuzzy> ...So they open a flower shop.
<~Touchfuzzy> And suddenly children start to disappear.
<PatheticOrdinary> lol
<~Touchfuzzy> So looking for the children one of the townfolk go into the flower shop.
<~Touchfuzzy> And right before his eyes, a giant flower eats a small kid.
<~Touchfuzzy> So of course, they organized a bunch of the other peasantry and got a bunch of pitchforks and torches.
<~Touchfuzzy> But the monks came out and beat them back.
<~Touchfuzzy> Night after night.
<~Touchfuzzy> So this guy named Hugh.
<~Touchfuzzy> Who was a dirty and stinky beggar.
<~Touchfuzzy> Came up and said "I can get rid of those monks."
<~Touchfuzzy> So the townpeople thought "well even if he fails all we lose is a dirty stinky beggar."
<~Touchfuzzy> So the next night they come over the hill
<~Touchfuzzy> and to their surprise Hugh is standing alone, the flower shop burning to the ground, the flower dead over his shoulder, and all the monks running away.
<~Touchfuzzy> And to this day, whenever some ignorant kid picks on Hugh, for being a dirty and stinky beggar
<~Touchfuzzy> they have a saying.
<~Touchfuzzy> Hugh and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars
<~Touchfuzzy> Bad enough pun for you.
<Solistra> Bad... and long.
<Sevith> WOW.
<Sevith> all that, ALL THAT, for a pun
<Solistra> I just wasted a lot of brain cells on that.
<Sevith> Touch, you sir get 1 gold star
<~Touchfuzzy> The point is that by this point everyone wants to kill you for wasting their time.

Its generally best to drag it out even longer, go ahead and add in the parts about the monks fighting them back with kung fu, make it as LONG as possible before hitting them with that terrible bomb at the end.

 

[OceansDream]

Conch you sea that everyone loves Ocean puns?

 

[Seacliff]

I find this thread very punny.

Okay, seriously, I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

 

[Minnow]

@Touchfuzzy: Just told that one to a friend, but stretched it out a little more. Their response was: "...............Go to jail."

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

 

[Jollan]

Why do they put a fence around graveyards? Because everyone is just dying to get in.

 

[Espon]

I have a character that slips in awful puns in about half her dialog.  She'll also tell you some jokes if you ask.

Where did the kittens go on their field trip?  To a mew-seum!

What do you call a cat with eight legs?  An octo-puss!

What do you call it when you see it raining cats?  A cat-astrophe!

I'm feline rather fine today.

Why are cats such good singers?  Because they're very mew-sical!

 

[Soma]

Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind (anything with bubsy, in general )

 

[amicable]

my dad named his old car henry VIII because it was a two-door. groan with me.

 

[monkeynohito]

I like to refer to really awful puns as 'punishment.'

 

[Marian Hurricane]

Spoiler

Get it? GET IT? Har har... har .... ._.

 

[monkeynohito]

A scientist invents a drill tank that can dig through earth and rock at a respectable rate, but he's sad because his girlfriend says it's super-boring.

 

[Clord]

Uranus is showing.


http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/UranusIsShowing


That is like toilet level puns right there.

 

[Faerypixel25]

All of the best ones I have heard are really innapropriate, so I won't tell them but here is a really really bad one.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

[Lorenze]

Holy crap, these are amazing guys. I love you all. <3

I have a character that slips in awful puns in about half her dialog.  She'll also tell you some jokes if you ask.

Where did the kittens go on their field trip?  To a mew-seum!

What do you call a cat with eight legs?  An octo-puss!

What do you call it when you see it raining cats?  A cat-astrophe!

I'm feline rather fine today.

Why are cats such good singers?  Because they're very mew-sical!

Yeah, totally using these. All save points are cats in my game, and I know these will fit in just nicely with their personalities.

I'm sure both me and you will make the meow-st of these puns.

 

[aironneil]

Here are some I've always liked:

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Broken pencils are pointless.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

[PixelLuchi]

Toilet paper is a rip-off.

Apartheid is a little white lie ( I'm South African for those who don't know XD ).

 

[Nemoide]

They aren't the types of puns that can easily be shared, but I know Piers Anthony works some pretty obnoxiously amusing ones into most of the Xanth books.

 

[PentagonBuddy]