- Joined
- Sep 4, 2020
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- RMXP
So, after every chapter, there's a brief 'Intermission' which explains some of the Protag's backstory and how they got the way they are.
Since I'm done with the prologue, I thought it would be a good time to rewrite Intermssion #1, but I'm not sure how, if at all.
Intermission #1 is the birth of the main character, and is an argument between her parents. Her father is a lazy, abusive drunk who had wanted a son, and her mother is emotionally, as well as physically distant, having to work two jobs to pay rent, because her husband refuses to work.
I'm not sure how this reads, because no one's really given any feedback on these parts yet. Excited to hear what people have to say. Thanks for any critique you can offer!
(Note: A break in the text means a new person is speaking)
--------------------------------------------------------------
INTERMISSION 1
Is she done?
Yes, Mr. Niebla. Your wife gave birth to a healthy baby.
She's inside if you'd like to see her.
Kev! The baby's here! Our baby is alive!
Great.
When we get home, how about we have a toast to our son?
Um, Kevin…
The doctor was wrong.
Our child is a girl.
A girl? A girl!?
You mean I put all that work in, and you can't even give me a son?!
Kevin, calm down!
How's she gonna become a quarterback?
You think a woman can play Football?!
*sigh* ****.
...I was thinking of naming her Mist. She has such hazy eyes.
Name her whatever the hell you want.
You always wanted a daughter, anyway.
Come on, Kevin! Just look at her, I'm sure you'll-
No. Keep her bundled up.
She doesn't look like a girl when she's bundled up.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks again for any help!
I'm pretty sure this is the right place to post this.
Since I'm done with the prologue, I thought it would be a good time to rewrite Intermssion #1, but I'm not sure how, if at all.
Intermission #1 is the birth of the main character, and is an argument between her parents. Her father is a lazy, abusive drunk who had wanted a son, and her mother is emotionally, as well as physically distant, having to work two jobs to pay rent, because her husband refuses to work.
I'm not sure how this reads, because no one's really given any feedback on these parts yet. Excited to hear what people have to say. Thanks for any critique you can offer!
(Note: A break in the text means a new person is speaking)
--------------------------------------------------------------
INTERMISSION 1
Is she done?
Yes, Mr. Niebla. Your wife gave birth to a healthy baby.
She's inside if you'd like to see her.
Kev! The baby's here! Our baby is alive!
Great.
When we get home, how about we have a toast to our son?
Um, Kevin…
The doctor was wrong.
Our child is a girl.
A girl? A girl!?
You mean I put all that work in, and you can't even give me a son?!
Kevin, calm down!
How's she gonna become a quarterback?
You think a woman can play Football?!
*sigh* ****.
...I was thinking of naming her Mist. She has such hazy eyes.
Name her whatever the hell you want.
You always wanted a daughter, anyway.
Come on, Kevin! Just look at her, I'm sure you'll-
No. Keep her bundled up.
She doesn't look like a girl when she's bundled up.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks again for any help!
I'm pretty sure this is the right place to post this.