RMXP Working on Draft #2 of my game's script, wondering if this part needs any rewriting.

Doinathing

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So, after every chapter, there's a brief 'Intermission' which explains some of the Protag's backstory and how they got the way they are.

Since I'm done with the prologue, I thought it would be a good time to rewrite Intermssion #1, but I'm not sure how, if at all.
Intermission #1 is the birth of the main character, and is an argument between her parents. Her father is a lazy, abusive drunk who had wanted a son, and her mother is emotionally, as well as physically distant, having to work two jobs to pay rent, because her husband refuses to work.

I'm not sure how this reads, because no one's really given any feedback on these parts yet. Excited to hear what people have to say. Thanks for any critique you can offer!
(Note: A break in the text means a new person is speaking)

--------------------------------------------------------------

INTERMISSION 1

Is she done?

Yes, Mr. Niebla. Your wife gave birth to a healthy baby.
She's inside if you'd like to see her.

Kev! The baby's here! Our baby is alive!

Great.
When we get home, how about we have a toast to our son?

Um, Kevin…
The doctor was wrong.
Our child is a girl.

A girl? A girl!?
You mean I put all that work in, and you can't even give me a son?!

Kevin, calm down!

How's she gonna become a quarterback?
You think a woman can play Football?!
*sigh* ****.

...I was thinking of naming her Mist. She has such hazy eyes.

Name her whatever the hell you want.
You always wanted a daughter, anyway.

Come on, Kevin! Just look at her, I'm sure you'll-

No. Keep her bundled up.
She doesn't look like a girl when she's bundled up.
--------------------------------------------------------------


Thanks again for any help!
I'm pretty sure this is the right place to post this.
 

Hyouryuu-Na

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If your intention was to make her dad look like an a$$hole, congrats you did it ^^ I already hate him!
Maybe add an exclamation mark here. He doesn't sound too enthusiastic that his 'son' has been born.
"Name her whatever the hell you want." Could also be "Name her whatever the hell you want!" The exclamation mark brings out the impact more.
A girl? A girl!?
You mean I put all that work in, and you can't even give me a son?!
This man needs to learn biology XD Then he'll know better than to blame his wife.
You think a woman can play Football?!
Yeah I hate him.

It's a short script but looks alright aside from how mad the dad makes me -_- Which is alright I guess. It's a good thing to give rise to some emotions in your players like this XD
 
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PixeLockeT

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Some of it reads slightly stiff and could use more character even a pinch. For example, to punch the emotions and tie it back to the MC, the part where it says "Kevin, calm down!" could be written something more like.

Husband: A....girl? A GIRL!?
Wife: K-Kevin.....
Husband: You mean to tell me, I put in ALL of that work, sweat and tears, day after day after day.....but you....you couldn't even give me a **** son!? (I'm read that as they kept trying for a child)
Wife: Kevin, please! You're going to frighten her!


But yeah this "father" is a piece of crap. XD
 

Doinathing

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Some of it reads slightly stiff and could use more character even a pinch. For example, to punch the emotions and tie it back to the MC, the part where it says "Kevin, calm down!" could be written something more like.

Husband: A....girl? A GIRL!?
Wife: K-Kevin.....
Husband: You mean to tell me, I put in ALL of that work, sweat and tears, day after day after day.....but you....you couldn't even give me a **** son!? (I'm read that as they kept trying for a child)
Wife: Kevin, please! You're going to frighten her!


But yeah this "father" is a piece of crap. XD
Thanks! That was my intention, to make the father a horrible scumbag. I didn't attach names to the characters in the intermissions because I thought it would make for a nice stylistic choice. though I'm not really a big fan of it, UNDERTALE does this with the tapes in the True Lab. Characters refer to each other, but are never given a name or faceset on the textbox.

EDIT: I just read the modified dialogue, and I must say, that better captures the scene! Also, nice font.

If your intention was to make her dad look like an a$$hole, congrats you did it ^^ I already hate him!
Oh, just wait until you read the next 3 intermissions! He does all sorts of horrible ****, like wife-beating!
 

PixeLockeT

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The scene resonated with me a lot. One of my parent's abuses are because I'm "not girly enough" and "I wanted a REAL daughter! Not a tomboy!" (yeah they had dreams of me being a model or fashionista stuff, and instead I like tech and video games lmao I am the family disappointment) XD So I figured I'd try to help punch the scene a bit more. Cause it was my lived experience!
 

Hyouryuu-Na

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Oh, just wait until you read the next 3 intermissions! He does all sorts of horrible ****, like wife-beating!
Ugh no... :( Well, I hope his deeds don't go unpunished. What's the genre of your game btw?
 

Doinathing

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Ugh no... :( Well, I hope his deeds don't go unpunished. What's the genre of your game btw?
Uhhhhhh...what? Define genre.

The scene resonated with me a lot. One of my parent's abuses are because I'm "not girly enough" and "I wanted a REAL daughter! Not a tomboy!" (yeah they had dreams of me being a model or fashionista stuff, and instead I like tech and video games lmao I am the family disappointment) XD So I figured I'd try to help punch the scene a bit more. Cause it was my lived experience!
Oh. ****, man. that sucks. I hope things get better! Thanks for the help, though.
 

Hyouryuu-Na

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Uhhhhhh...what? Define genre.
What is it like? Traditional rpg, adventure-centric, story-driven, visual novel type- like what is it? Ig I wouldn't call it genre but English isn't my first language. It's the closest word to what I was thinking.
 

Doinathing

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What is it like? Traditional rpg, adventure-centric, story-driven, visual novel type- like what is it? Ig I wouldn't call it genre but English isn't my first language. It's the closest word to what I was thinking.
Oh. Well, I'm trying to make it story-driven because it would to take a lot of effort to make the gameplay not feel like an 'RPG Maker game.'

I personally don't have anything against RPG Maker games. Heck, OneShot was my favorite game I've played recently, and MOTHER: Cognitive Dissonance isn't far off!
 

JMsoup

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Um, Kevin…
The doctor was wrong.
Our child is a girl.

A girl? A girl!?
You mean I put all that work in, and you can't even give me a son?!
I'm not a writer, but I think before the husband explodes it might be more natural for him to be shocked in silence first. Maybe like:
Wife: Um, Kevin… The doctor was wrong. Our child is a girl.

Husband: ...

Wife: Kevin?

Husband: What do you mean, girl?

Wife: Huh? I said that our child is a-

Husband: I know what you meant! I put all that work (etc etc)
 

TheGameBrewery

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Having been in the room with my wife after the birth of both our kids, I can tell you the mother would be too exhausted to speak and would most likely burst into tears at any comments from the father.
 

Frostorm

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Assuming this is modern-day...we can easily determine gender before the baby is born. I personally would prefer a girl, but hey that's just me. I guess some couples do prefer to keep it a surprise, but if they do, that usually comes w/ the understanding that either outcome (boy or girl) would be acceptable. All I can say is, what a crappy dad!
 

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